A PURIM STORY  

drsuzyb2
36 posts
3/26/2005 2:11 am

Last Read:
11/13/2006 8:31 pm

A PURIM STORY

How a Sexy Young Woman Used the Power of Seduction to Save Her People from Genocide

by Dr. Susan Block

Like many Jewish hedonists, my favorite Jewish holiday is Purim. Since it doesn't usually coincide with a comparable Christian holiday (as Hannukkah does with Christmas or Passover with Easter), not many gentiles know about Purim, which I call the Jewish Mardi Gras. Halloween with Hamentashen. The Purim Story, the Book of Esther, also called the Megillah, is filled with sex, seduction, exhibitionism, sexual harassment, sexual teasing, feasts, parties, political intrigue, lots of post-op transsexuals (otherwise known as eunuchs), the awful spectre of genocide, and Esther--a shrewdly sexual heroine who rescues her people from a fate worse than Rwanda, armed with nothing but her smarts and her sex appeal.

Though the Story of Esther is an incredible tale, according to archaeological findings, it may also be a true story. Interestingly, it is one of the only stories in the Bible in which God never appears. And it's an extremely relevant story in light of all the inter-ethnic, interracial, inter-religious violence going on in the modern world.

So, relax and read on for my erotic exotic version of the Purim Story, the chronicle of Esther, a sexy young woman who used the power of seduction to save her people from genocide. You might want to grab your Bible, so you can check out the source (the Book of Esther is right between Nehemiah and Job). You might also grab a glass of wine (Purim is Judaism's most Dionysian holiday). Grab your lover, if you have a lover. Grab your vibrator, if you have a vibrator. Grab yourself, if you like. Enjoy! Purim is a time to celebrate.

The Book of Esther begins with celebration: A great feast, the climactic week-long banquet in a festival that's lasted 180 days. That's 6 months of solid nonstop partying--and we think if we go all weekend, we're being decadent!. King Ahasuerus, who rules 127 provinces from India to Ethiopia, is the man behind this Mother of All Parties, filled with lots of eating, drinking and carousing, as the best Old Testament parties are.

And "on the 7th day," says the Bible, "the king, merry with wine" and wanting to impress his royal party animal buddies, calls for his wife, Vashti, "with her royal crown, in order to show the people and the princes her beauty." Now, when I was in Hebrew School, I learned that "with her royal crown" really meant "wearing nothing but her royal crown." See, I said this was a sexy story!

But Vashti is feeling prissy, or maybe she's on the rag. She refuses to parade her naked self before her horny old despot husband.. If she could have sued him for sexual harassment, she would have, but they didn't have lawsuits back then. They didn't even have lawyers, though they did, of course, have Judges.

So, the king kicks Vashti, the Mother of All Party-Poopers, out of the palace. Some interpretations say she's executed which, I always thought, was a rather drastic punishment for refusal to strip at a drunken party. But I never had much sympathy for Vashti, a sex-phobic prude with no zest for exhibitionism, one of my favorite fetishes. So, off with her head!.

Now, Ahasuerus needs a new queen. Naturally, being a Biblical King, he wants a virgin. They were into that then--the virgin fetish. A lot of guys are still into the virgin fetish, until they have to deal with a real virgin. My advice to Virgin Fetishists: Get a nice experienced lover who likes to roleplay she's a virgin. But, Ahasuerus doesn't have me or anyone else as a sex therapist (they didn't have sex therapists back then either), and he wants a virgin. So he holds a Greater Persian Beauty Contest where all the hottest virgins in his kingdom compete to be queen. There they were, rows and rows of Biblical jailbait, all decked out andpanting to be picked...

I remember getting all decked out to compete in our Hebrew School Esther contest, when I was a kid (and also, coincidentally, a virgin). Thanks to my Mom's costume-making talents and already bottomless need for acclaim, I won. Playing Esther in the school play was the height of my prepubescent exhibitionism. Too bad the kid playing Ahasuerus was two years younger and five inches shorter than me. Well, that did make him easier to push around, which is, eventually, what Esther does...

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to the Bible, where we now meet Mordecai the Jew, who enters his beautiful teenage cousin Esther into Ahasuerus' virgin contest. Mordecai encourages Esther to bat her lovely virgin eyes, but keep a lid on being Jewish. Even in these days before the tragic Israeli-Palestinian conflict, it was not cool to be Jewish. It's never totally cool to be Jewish; non-Jews are always suspicious of Jews. Actually, everybody's always suspicious of somebody. That's one reason I'm telling this story.

Esther's Jewish, though she's no JAP. She's actually pretty down-to-earth. And she's hot, "comely" in Bible talk, and the king gets extremely horny just looking at her. He gives her a prime position in the royal harem, where she's "purified," that is, bathed and beautified with ointments and perfumes for six months. When it came to extensitve beauty treatments, those ancient Persians out-Japped the JAPs.

The beautifying was done by eunuchs, Biblical post-op transsexuals. Literally, these are guys who have been castrated for one reason or another. Their main job was to take care of the harem girls without impregnating them, which was the King's thing... Aside from the obvious horrible pain of having your penis and/or testicles removed (nonconsensually, for the most part), it wasn't such a bad little institution; every woman in the harem got her own personal human safe sex toy...

After her treatments, Esther "goes in unto" the king. That's the Bible's way of saying they have sex. And she gives him the best head he's ever gotten in his life. Just kidding; the Bible doesn't say she gives him head; I'm doing a little interpretative extrapolation here. Ahasuerus falls madly in love with Esther after just one night, so I figure it must have been a hot night.

Ahashuerus crowns Esther queen, and he holds another big bash. The Bible's pretty coy about exactly what Esther does there, but I would imagine that, at some point, she strips down to her crown. After all, that's the king's fetish, and Vashti's downfall..

I can just see Esther belly-dancing naked on a pedestal above crowds of drunken revelers drooling at her comeliness. Go Esther! Go Girl! But make no mistake: Esther's go go, but she's no bimbo...She's about to get into some heavy political action.

See, all this time, Mordecai's been hanging around outside the harem (can you blame him?), and he overhears a couple of eunuchs plotting to kill the King. Mordecai tells Esther who tells Ahasuerus who has the eunuchs executed (they sure didn't have a lawyer). Then he has his royal scribe enter the event into his Royal Diary.

Then, King Ahasuerus promotes one of his princes, Haman the Agagite to be his right-hand man. All the people bow down to Haman, except Mordecai who's Jewish and doesn't bow down to anybody except God, and maybe his accountant, but certainly not this Haman character who turns out to be a sort of Hitler-wannabe BCE

Haman's mad. He vows to kill not just Mordecai, but all the Jews, and all their accountants! And, since Haman is now the King's pet, he uses the King's royal seal to issue an edict that all princes in all provinces must prepare "to destroy, to slay, to annihilate all Jews, young and old, women and children, in one day, the 13th day of Adar, and to plunder their goods." His excuse? As he tells the King, these Jewish people are "different...so let them be destroyed." The 8-letter word is "genocide". Oh, I know, this story isn't so sexy anymore. Well, life isn't just a barrel of orgasms...

So: Mordecai roams outside the harem wailing "Oy gevalt! They're gonna kill us! Worse, they're gonna clean out our bank accounts!" One of Esther's eunuchs comes out to see what the racket's about. Mordecai gives him/her the bad news, and says to tell Esther that it's up to her to change the King's mind.

Esther is not happy to hear of her new assignment. Actually, she's scared to death. Because even though they didn't have lawyers then, they had laws. And according to law, anyone who approaches the King without being invited is executed on the spot, unless the King holds out his golden sceptor. Now, even though Esther's the queen, she's fairly new on the job, and the King hadn't invited her in to see him. So according to law, she could be killed--instantly. Considering what happened to Vashti, this wasn't just paranoia..

But cousin Mordecai doesn't want to hear from laws. He reminds Esther, "The lives of all Jews have been condemned. You might think you're assimilated and can pass for Persian, but Haman's henchmen may not agree. Besides, perhaps you were blessed with your "comeliness" for a nobler purpose than just keeping a horny King happy and getting your feet rubbed by eunuchs." Talk about inflicting Jewish guilt; Mordecai does a number on our Esther. But guilt like that is good. Guilt over sex is usually dumb guilt. Guilt over not saving people's lives when you have an opportunity is generally good guilt...

So, shivering in her sandals, Esther goes to see Ahasuerus. Upon spying her there without an invitation, the guards pick her up and start to take her away for execution. But the King notices it's his favorite wife, his comely Esther, and, just in time, he holds out "his golden sceptor" and saves her. I always considered this a very phallic image: the king saving Esther by holding out his long, hard sceptor for her.

Now, don't get too excited; Esther doesn't deep-throat the thing. But the Bible does say, rather suggestively, that she "touches the tip of his scepter." Of course, the king gets very excited. He falls for Esther all over again. He just loves the way she touches that tip. Like many desperately horny men who will do anything for certain women, Ahasuerus proclaims that he'll give Esther whatever she wants. Pay dirt! But our Esther is cool. She's cunning. She doesn't spring the big request right away because she knows even a sex maniac like her husband can't be pushed beyond his limits, or the spell of seduction is broken.

So, she invites the King and Haman to a private dinner. Ahasuerus is really excited now (besides being a horndog, he's also a foodie). He calls for Haman, who appears instantly, puffing with pride that he received an invitation to dine with the king and his wife. Esther entertains like a great geisha, plying her King and his Prince with wine, sweetmeats and erotic treats (at least that's my interpretation of "private entertaining"). When the King is pleasantly drunk, well-fed, and well-shtupped, he asks Esther again: What does she want? He'll do anything! But Esther doesn't tell him what she wants. She teases him. She plays her potentate like an instrument. And she coyly asks him and Haman to come back the next night for another dinner. Ahasuerus departs in a state of erotic agitation. He's got royal blue balls. He's bursting with the need to please his seductive new queen, and riddled with anxiety, not knowing what she wants.

Meanwhile, on his way home, Haman sees Mordecai who still won't bow down to his Royal Self. This makes Haman so mad that he can't wait until the 13th of Adar to kill Mordecai. He builds a gallows right in his own front yard, and he gets up early the next morning to see about obtaining Ahasuerus' okay to hang Mordecai that day. Of course, he has no idea that Mordecai is Queen Esther's cousin. He doesn't even know that the King's wife is Jewish.

Meanwhile, back at the palace, Ahasuerus, still in a tizzy over Esther's teasing, can't sleep. He couldn't turn on the TV (they had plenty of eunuchs back then, but no TV's). So he has one of his eunuchs read to him from his Royal Diary. Remember when the King made the entry about Mordecai turning in those other eunuchs and saving his life? Well, that's the entry he hears, and he decides he's got to honor this Mordecai fella in some way. At this point, Haman strides into the palace, hell-bent on getting Ahasuerus to let him execute Mordecai NOW. But Ahasuerus, being King, speaks first: "What shall be done to the man whom the king delights to honor?"

Haman stops mid-stride, assuming Ahasuerus is talking about him and suggests that "such a man" be given the king's robes to wear and the king's horse to ride while one of the king's princes rides before him thru town proclaiming his honor to all. Ahasuerus loves the idea, and commands Haman to do just that...for Mordecai the Jew. Haman feels like a freshly castrated eunuch! What an insult. He obeys--he has to, he's a company man--but he's seething.

Haman proclaims Mordecai's honor as Mordecai rides through the streets of Shusan in the king's robes on the king's horse.

That night, Esther throws the dinner party of her life--more wine and sex and sweetmeats--that has King Ahasuerus down on his royal knees again, like a submissive CEO with his dominatrix/mistress, begging her to tell him what she wants. But she's a cool mistress, that Esther...

I remember the night I first told the Story of Esther to Max. I was telling it in bed, in an even sexier way than I'm telling it now. So, at this point, with the King down on his knees begging Esther to tell him what she wants, Max got down on his knees begging me to let him go down on me. I was on my period at the time, but I ain't no Vashti, and neither Biblical prohibition nor bodily squeamishness stopped my Max. He dove for it, smearing his face with the blood of my affliction and the juice of my affection... I tried to continue my Bible-reading: "Okay... Lessee... the King... mmm... that feels good... the King asks Esther what she wants...oooh...that's soo nice...she wants...oh Goooddd...she wants him to suck her clit--"

"No," Max said, "that's not in in the Bible."

"Yes..." I replied. "But something tells me the King is not giving Esther head while she tells him what she wants."

"I don't know," he said, "she's a powerful woman. She could tell a man to do anything anytime."

Then he went back to licking me, slowly, sensually, and then passionately. I felt a conflict of biblical proportions raging in my loins, the armies of menstrual pain battling the armies of sexual pleasure for control of the temple, my body. It was close, but pleasure overtook pain, and I relaxed into Max's mouth.

I picked up the Bible in an erotic trance. No one was there but the two of us, yet I felt as if the king's great feast was going on all around us. All the princes were watching as I lay in the royal bed, as two eunuchs held my legs apart for my hungry king to devour me. All the princes stroked their sceptors, as I writhed and recited the story:

"What is your petition, Queen Esther?" begs the king, "It shall be granted you. What is your request? Even to the half of my kingdom, it shall be fulfilled."

At this point, when Esther knows she's got him by his royal cajones--when she knows he'd buy out Bloomies for her, if there had been a Persian Bloomies-- our gal lays her cards on the table: "I ask for my life, and the life of my people," she says. Simple and direct.

And the king doesn't miss a beat. " Consider it done, Esther my love." He may be a drunk, but he's not a skunk. Just like that--genocide reversed... Such is the power of a sexual woman.

But the story continues. Now that she's stated her desire, and he's granted her request, the king gets curious. WHO would destroy his Esther and her "people," he demands to know. Uh oh...Haman's in deep doo doo now.

Slowly, dramatically, Esther points to Hamen. The king's in shock; Haman's his main man. He steps outside to think. Haman's freaked. He gets down on his knees to beg forgiveness from Esther. What a woman, that Esther, royal goyim on their knees before her, one after the other. Haman's literally falling all over Esther's lap when the king walks back in and assumes the worst. "Will he even assault the queen in my presence?" he bellows. And within moments--no lawyers, no trial, no questions--Haman the Aggravating Agagite, is taken away by eunuchs (more eunuchs!) who execute him on the very gallows he prepared for Mordecai. Then the king gives Haman's property to Esther, makes Mordecai his new main man, revokes the Jewish genocide edict, and the 13th day of Adar becomes a day of "gladness, feasting and holiday-making," and getting drunk, as it still is, the holiday of Purim.

And that, my darling reader, is the end of the Story of Esther (my version). Hopefully it'll inspire you to read the Biblical version yourself. Hopefully, it'll inspire you to get a little drunk--that's what you're supposed to do on Purim! Hopefully, it'll inspire you to find ways to use your own sexual powers to create peace in your life and in our world.

Peace through pleasure,
let me hear from you,

drsuzy


keithcancook 61M
18138 posts
3/26/2005 4:08 am

Happy Purim! You are right about the gentiles ignorance of purim as I have never heard about it so thanx for teaching me something new. As for your story, it was wonderfully funny, witty and well written. I thouroughly enjoyed your style. Thanks for sharing it.


rm_magic8u
2 posts
3/26/2005 6:08 am

Happy Purim or a belated Happy Purim whichever the case may be. On the other hand, judging from your piece, you may just go right on celebrating till you cease to celebrate.

I'd heard on the news that Jews were celebrating Purim and tho I'm generally well educated and informed, I didn't know what it was and wondered. Now I know. Thanks for another piece in my lifes' learning puzzle.

Your erudition, brilliance, writing, subtlety, candor and humor were a feast worthy of Purim.

Max! A man after my own heart! Once, when powerfully motivated by an exquisitely beautiful, sensual and erotic woman, I once dove into a monthly! It added the most unique exotic spice for us both! Always glad I did!

Admiring you! As would Esther for so ably extolling her use of her sexual power!

Les
magic8u


rm_magic8u
2 posts
3/26/2005 6:18 am

Oh yeah....good riddance to Haman and his ilk! Love stories with a just ending!

Les
magic8u


LimesMastsAvoid 71M
456 posts
4/20/2005 10:34 am

Mazel tov !, All those years shlepping to Jewish School and learning dreck, you brought the story to life ! My yarmelkeh is off to you ! (Son of a Holocaust Survivor)


rm_ChriNa 47M/F
49 posts
4/4/2008 12:43 pm

great story we love it.


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