Shizophrenic, Or Just Well Rounded?  

doneinforever 58M
9 posts
8/3/2006 3:58 am

Last Read:
8/7/2006 6:31 am

Shizophrenic, Or Just Well Rounded?

schizophrenia ( P ) Pronunciation Key (skts-frn-, -frn-)
Any of a group of psychotic disorders usually characterized by withdrawal from reality, illogical patterns of thinking, delusions, and hallucinations, and accompanied in varying degrees by other emotional, behavioral, or intellectual disturbances. Schizophrenia is associated with dopamine imbalances in the brain and defects of the frontal lobe and is caused by genetic, other biological, and psychosocial factors.

Why would someone open a blog entry with a definition of schizophrenia? I have my reason. You see, I believe we all have at least a touch of it. I'm not talking a full blown psychotic condition. Just a touch. You know, those little voices in our heads that aren't us, but are a part of us. That voice out of nowhere that says,"Go ahead, kill 'em, kill 'em all." You answer, "well, if you could just give me a good reason, I would." Fortunately, we are rational beings and the reason would have to be pretty damn good. The poor souls that have gone over the edge find the reason that,"they have shoes" to be good enough. okay, maybe I'm just a little closer to that edge than a lot of others. A great thing about full blown hallucinations, at least you always have someone to talk to.
My reason for bringing this up is because I had an internal conversation today. There is a woman I know who I find very attractive and I know she feels the same about me.The problem I have with that is that she is very clingy. She also seems to be very emotional needy. That is probably the last thing in the world I want right now. Easy enough right, just don't see her. Yeah, but, I broke up with someone about a month and a half ago and I could really use a fuck. That's where the conversation starts. I asked the little bird from my previous post.
I laid out the dilemma for him, he cocked his head to one side and said,"Listen, you stupid dick, I have one job and one job only, and that's to ask you that philosophical crap, about dying and the way your living your life. By the way, you ain't paying me enough. The fucking eagle on the back of the quarter gets residuals."
I say,"Well, you ain't no fucking eagle."
"Listen, punk, your lucky I'm not. I'd rip your throat out with all the whiny crap I get from you. Listen, I'm taking off. I'll be back in the morning for my shift."
"Hey, where is it you go when you're not on my shoulder?"
"All kinds of places. Right now I am going to a public bird bath."
"Is that like a bath house for birds? Where gay birds hook up?"
"No, it's coed. Great place to hook up with chicks. Though I will admit to being bi-curious."
"Really, who knew?"
He flies off and, while I am musing about what he's told me, I'm joined by Joe. I don't really know if that's his name but it seems to work. Joe is part of my head that is really macho. He doesn't come around much anymore, but he did hang around a lot when I was younger. He usually shows up these days when I've been drinking.
"Brother I couldn't help overhearing your conversation with the canary. Bang the hell out of the bitch, if she gets hurt it's her fault."
"You don't think it's wrong to use somebody? You don't feel it's wrong to take advantage of another person's vulnerability? To sleep with someone who wants a deep commitment, knowing full well that you aren't going to give her that?"
"Bro, I've seen her. She's hot.She's got those big firm hooters. Skinny waist, firm butt. Beautiful face with a great mouth. I bet she can suck a mean cock with those lips. You have to jump on it. I'm sure she'll let you tap that ass, fuck her tits and then cum on her face. That's what I'd do."
"You insensitive SOB. I can't believe you would do that to another human being. To a woman who deserves more than that. You know, she's been burned by guys before. I don't want to be another piece of shit that just craps on her. I don't want to do that to people."
So he says,"Hey, motherfucker, it's a bitch of a world and sometimes you can't help but be a dog. You don't think she already knows that you aren't looking for a soul mate. What, you think you're the only person in the world with perception? She still keeps coming around, right? So, just give her what she wants."
"Okay, okay, okay I see your point. I just have to think about this for awhile."
"Take it for a spin. Fantasize about her and jerk off for awhile. See how it feels."
"Yea, sure, I'll do that."
"Just for the record I would never do those things I was saying. I'm gay."
"You're shitting me."
"No, I really am. I like pastels, wine coolers and I adore Bette Midler. I also admire the fact that you care for other people's feelings. I think it's great that you try not to do harm, but don't let that isolate you."
"Thanks Joe."
"Anytime bro'. Remember what I said about the jerking off. I gotta run, I've got a meatloaf in the oven."
"Your cooking a meatloaf?"
"Yeah, I'll give you the recipe sometime. Oh and you know how you fold your underwear and keep your socks together? That's me."
So Joe takes off. I figure, what the hell, I'll think about her and stroke it a bit. So I start to think about her. The feel of her body pressed against mine. The smell of her perfume, the texture of her hair, just barely stiff with spray. I begin to imagine the feel of her neck as I brush my lips to it lightly. Then it happens I get this image in my mind's eye of the canary corn-holing Joe. Wow, talk about your bucket of cold water.
Then who should appear but the Vicar. I have no idea where or how the Vicar got here, but he's always been with me. I can't imagine that, as a child, I fully realized him on my own, yet I have no clue as to who saddled me with him. He is a very stern, and forbidding figure. Eyes as icy as the coldest night in hell. A mouth that a smile would never touch. Not a frown just a look of perpetual disapproval.
"I know what you are thinking, boy. You should be ashamed of yourself."
As always when he comes forward I am immediately assailed with an overwhelming sense of guilt and dread.
"Yes-sir," I say trying not to sound petulant.
"Put that thing away," he orders, pointing at my crotch.
I look down at my now limp penis, lying in the palm of my hand, my erection that had been, so much promise to have died so young. I quickly stash it back in my pants and zip my fly.
"Sorry sir," I say, nervously, hoping the Vicar won't notice the slight tinge of fear in my voice.
"Why would you ever believe that it is alright to even conceive of a ravishing another human being? Don't you know that fornication is only for reproduction? It is not there for your pleasure, you evil little boy."
I'm beginning to get pissed off at this point and I burst out with "You know, I am not perfect, dammit I have made mistakes in the past but I've also done some good things. Don't I get any credit for that?"
Something strange begins to happen and the Vicar's features soften. Just a touch and a hint of what might be warmth tries to creep into his eyes."Of course you do, boy. I live in here with you and I see it. It's not my job to offer up praise, however. The truth is, you really try to be a good person, I just show you one view of the situation. Generally, you seem to sort out the opinions we give you pretty well and make informed decisions."
"What do you mean we?"
"You aren't stupid, you know there are a lot of us living in this place you think of as your mind. Well, we all have our jobs. Mine is to rein in your more base instincts."
"Alright then, since we're having this little heart to heart, what would you do in my situation?"
"Do you have a smoke? Thanks." The Vicar takes a moment to light his cigarette, inhales deeply, then let's the smoke out in a long contented sigh."I really should try to quit, but I have cut back to about five a day. If it were me I would fuck her 'til she faints, give her smelling salts and fuck her again."
"I can't believe I am hearing this from you."
"Well, my son, the truth is, if it weren't for me, you wouldn't know a damn thing about a clitoris or a g spot. Hell, you'd be ejaculating the moment you kissed anybody. Kind of weird, isn't it, the way your psyche works, I mean?"
"I'm having a problem here. Nothing in my mind seems right. Maybe I'm truly schizophrenic? Maybe I need some kind of psychotropic drugs?"
"I don't think we're that far gone. Your just slightly nuts. Anyway, I think shrinks prescribe drugs too easily."
"So, you're kind of like a Tom Cruise type?"
"Not a chance, I think that guy is as crazy as a shit house rat. Look, just be open minded, listen to yourself.Go ahead and listen to other people, I mean really listen. Not just to the words, but also their feelings, more often than not, you'll be pleasantly surprised."
"Thanks, hey let me have a drag."
"Finish it. I have to go work on a sermon. Oh boy, are you going to feel like crap. You remember that weekend with your sister-in-law?"
"That was a couple of years ago, aren't you ever gonna let me live that one down."
"Nope. Until later."
I guess the whole upshot of this is that I may or may not be crazier than the next person, but if I go into situations with okay intentions things will work out. Right?

On a different note. What has everyone been listening to or downloading lately? I picked up an anthology of Gang Of Four called 100 Flowers Bloom. It's been in my car for about the last week. It's great. Anarchy with a groove.

doneinforever 58M

8/7/2006 6:29 am

I hate that, when you buy a CD because of a song on the radio and the rest of it sucks. I tend to listen to mostly alternative stuff, but I often wonder what it is supposed to be an alternative to. For the last year or so I seem to have found myself listening to a lot of eighties and nineties. Hunh, may I am trying to regain my misspent youth.

Become a member to create a blog