forgiveness...does it really exist?  

dippy12441 40F
8 posts
3/12/2006 11:29 pm

Last Read:
3/17/2006 12:36 pm

forgiveness...does it really exist?

Have you ever had one of those days, where it all seems pointless? Like anything you do, doesn't matter? It's like the more the more you want to change things, the more it seems impossible. Thats whats going on inside. It sucks. You try not to let anyone from seeing you in such pain and agony. But they somehow manage to break you. I have always built up a wall. A wall which no one could climb. But lately it seems to be falling apart. Piece by piece. And there's nothing I could do to fix it. My brother, Elliot, for example. He was always in my life. Until I screwed up, that is. Then he came back for a visit. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I've never been more uncomfortable in my life. He was always there for me. And now i feel like I need to be there for him. His once wonderful marriage is broken. He is losing his children, his life. I dont know where to start. He has been there from the beginning, to guide me through. I want to be there for him, through thick and thin. But know if its possible. In my heart, I think that he needs me. But in a way I know that I am to blame for his broken marriage. It sucks, to always be responsible for someone elses mess-ups. It wasn't them who screwed up, it was really me. The one people always blame. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I feel more sorry, for all that he had endured. I have always wondered what it would have been like for him, if I were dead. Then again I wonder what his life has been like knowing that I am alive. Wondering everyday, what I have been through. And if I was still alive. What a miserable existance he must have led. What was I thinking, ruining his life. How dare I think that he was concerned about me and the life I had led. Who cares. Its not about me, nor has it ever been. It's all about him. Elliot, my savior, my best friend, my hero, and my everything. I thank you for my life. People ask me all the time, if I have any regrets. I only have one thing I regret doing, and one thing I regret NOT doing. Both happened on the same day. Elliot...I regret putting a gun to your head. and two...I regret not putting the gun up to my own head and pulling the trigger. You would have been better without me, still being. I'm damaged goods. You dont need that in your life. Not now, nor ever. I'm sorry I've messed things up for you, your wife, your family. It was never my intention, to screw it all up. Please except my apologies. Even though you may forgive is I, who could never forgive myself.

Kaliedascope61 43M
4084 posts
3/13/2006 12:16 am

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