Trapped by my love  

desertslowhand 53M
14 posts
6/12/2006 11:55 pm

Last Read:
7/9/2006 10:38 pm

Trapped by my love

When I married my wife, we were in love.

As seems to happen way too often out there, she has lost interest in me. I have not progressed in my career enough, I didn't do the right things at the right times, etcetera, etcetera.

In general we have a good life. We talk. We go places. We agree on most things and mostly agree to disagree on the others.

Except sex. She'll do it if I ask, since she feels she made a commitment. But she almost never starts anything.

She is simply no longer excited by me. I think she has developed the "contempt of familiarity" for me.

Since I'm not pushy enough to ask for it, we have declined to the point that I am looking around to see if I can find someone willing to have discreet sex once or twice a week with an old married guy.

The problem is that I still love her. She still turns me on when I look at her. I brighten up when I see her. The phrase "she lights up my life" makes sense to me.

So I look. I fantasize.

And I do nothing.

rm_BiF33Ut 51F
295 posts
6/13/2006 1:06 am

Sounds like some counseling is in order. I don't necessarily mean just you.. I mean the both of you. Her "contempt of familiarity" may actually be a change in hormones and loss of "hunger".

There is a slight possibility that her "disinterest" isn't about you at all.

Still a marriage therapist wouldn't hurt, that's for sure.


desertslowhand 53M
21 posts
6/14/2006 12:38 am

We tried it once. I think the counseler told her things that she did not want to hear. That counseler tried to set her up with some one-on-one sessions, but my wife ducked her. Later, when I suggested we try another counseler, she said "sure" but never took the next step and it died on the vine.

I would have gone by myself, but I couldn't think of a way to do it without making her feel guilty and effectivly "forcing" her into going as well, which would lead to her resenting it. Instead, I got a set of audio tapes on re-building relationships and listened to them. I really tried to apply the lessons and she saw the difference. (She said something about "aliens" and "pods".) Later, I gave her the womans' version for her to listen to, but other then a spate of guilt-induced attention there was been no improvement. I may broach the counseler subject again.

Now, moving on to the next problem, which is actually more scary.

What if it's not about me?

I dismiss the idea of an actual affair. Partially out of wishful thinking but mostly because I don't think she would be able to hide her guilt. She is very faithful to her committments! Not to say it's impossible, just saying it's rather unlikely.

Change in personality? No longer interested in sex? This is possible and that concerns me because there is little that I can do. Therapy would probably help some here.

What worries me the most is...
How do I decide when "enough is enough"?

rm_BiF33Ut 51F
295 posts
6/18/2006 3:38 am

That's a real drag, and I know that coming to the table to have the table be empty is emotionally draining.

When is "enough" enough.... I would have to say when you start reaching outside of your marriage for the fulfillment your not receiving in it.

My husband and I were content. Complacent may have been a better word. We enjoyed each other's company most of the time, but eventually after his loss of interest in sex it became obvious to me that I am a WHOLE package, and he was only interested in part of the package. The part without sex. It was emotionally abusive as far as I was concerned, but I only recognized that later. I left, heart in hand, watching in the rear view mirror for some sign. Any type of body language, and wave to stop, hell even a tear would have been good.... I kid you not, he didn't even bow his head. He just watched me pull out of the drive and then turned around and walked back into our house.

Today, almost 9 yrs later, I thank God for unanswered prayers. I can't even imagine how my life would be had I stayed where I was.

Sex is part of the package. Intimacy is part of the package. Touch and fulfillment... they are all part of the package. It is hard to let go, and I can't tell you when I actually released my grip on the memory of what we used to have, and let go. I could have probably kept up the pace I was keeping for a few more years; sexless, and beating myself up for oppportunities I didn't take... and for the way I felt when he would reject me. But hindsight being what it is, I see that I am far happier now, and have a lot more self esteem, and love myself... and am able to love those around me at a higher level than I had thought possible before.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that my comments helped rather than hurt or hindered.

Feel free to keep in touch via email if you like. My handle on here is the same that I use on ya who.

Peace.... out.

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