deliciousngood 65F
1130 posts
4/29/2006 2:24 pm

Last Read:
5/20/2014 10:02 pm


I bet you are thinking...I have never heard that word before. You'd be right, for the word was coined by a polyamory group.

Compersion n : the feeling of taking joy in the joy that others you love share among themselves, especially taking joy in the knowledge that your beloveds are expressing their love for one another, the term was coined by the Keristan Commune in San Francisco which practiced Polyfidelity, Kerista disbanded in the early 1990's.

The essence of it is that you deal with feelings of jealousy by replacing them with unconditional love and a spirit of INCLUSION ...rather than a feeling of fear of abandonment and EXCLUSION.

To me this is an idealized way to view an open lifetstyle. I think that it is a superb idea. However, I also feel that MOST people are not capable of this, even if they claim to be open and free of judgment, fear and jealousy.

When I first heard this term(compersion) and read a little bit about it I thought...YES...I know that jealousy is a FEAR...not a projection outward, but an inward looking emotion. If I embrace my fears instead of denying them and tell my partner what and when I am feeling them...well...that should make everything OK and let him know that I am not going to get angry AT him, as long as he includes me in his life.

I did not work...simply because the other person did NOT include me...excluded me at every turn ,did not even try to embrace my feelings at all, even though I understood his desires and needs and gave him free rein to express them.

Do I think a polyamorous life-style is workable? Do I think I am mature enough to embrace that? I don't know. All I do know is that sort of thing has reared its head in my life many times so I do feel it is worth investigating, even at this "late date". HeHe

What do you all feel about polyamory? Have you heard of "compersion"?

Namaste my blogging friends

ilsgicemru 73M
2822 posts
4/29/2006 3:30 pm


......................... Delicious

I'm heading out to eat .. and won't have time to do this one justice until I get back !! .. But I wanted you to know I have been here !!

......................... G

ilsgicemru 73M
2822 posts
4/30/2006 7:12 am


....................... Delicious

A very thought provoking post . and thought provoking subject !! ... I was introduced to the word "compersion" . several months ago by a delicious young lady on this site . Lol . and have read through several web pages on this subject !!

I first experienced compersion coming from another person (a woman) . about 13 years ago when my marriage began to fall apart because of alcohol abuse .. At that time in my life . I didn't even understand the concept of "letting go" . and still struggle with it today !! .. This woman was just a friend at the time who I began to share my deepest thoughts and fears with . about my marriage !! .. Over a period of several months . I fell in love with her and I know that she began to develop a deep love for me .. But she realised how vunerable I was . and "let me go" . but I think that she continued to love me . after she got married . and took pleasure in seeing me "grow up" emotionally !! .. We wern't able to stay in touch with each other because her husband was jealous of me . and after she died . my name was removed from the list of her pall bearers . because of his jealousy !!

Remembering this experience this morning . I realised that I experience the concept of compersion many times in my life today through the "recovery" meetings that I go to !! .. Very often I share thoughts about myself with some women that I have come to care very much about . that I never could and never will be able to share with my wife .. And they have shared their intimate thoughts and feelings with me !! .. Many times these thoughts are as intimate a having a "physical sharing" !! .. As I became more fond of these women . I began to feel the wanting for a more physical relationship !! .. Several years back . if they had not had mature boundries for themselves . that would have happened with several women on several occasions .. But it didn't . and I felt feelings of rejection and jealousy on many occasions !! ..

Today . I am happy to say . I can take joy and pleasure to see these woman friends moving on with their lives and having relationships that don't include me !! .. I am happy to see that they are happy in a loving relationship !!

I have also learned about compersion by being a blogger on this site .. For instance . as I got to know the femail half of a "couple" on this site . I began to experience what it felt like to care deeply about someone . knowing that they had a healthy "primary" relationship with someone else !! .. I took much pleasure in knowing that my interest in her and sexual desires for her . created a heightened enjoyment for her and her mate when they were having sex . though I also could feel jealousy at times when I saw that she showed interest in other male friends .. I also felt feelings of rejection when for some reason or another . our contact through the blogs and Emails fell off for awhile !!

I feel that compersion is all about "self love" . and honesty !! .. We have to learn to love ourselves first . and to have unconditional love for others !! .. And if we recognise that we really can never posess another person . then the fear of losing that person should diminish . and if we truly love ourselves . we will know and feel that we are loved by others just the way we are !!

At this point in my life . knowing that I will soon be exploring new relationships . I think that I can feel compersion . especially with the knowledge that that person hopefully . already has close male and femail friendships !! .. I would want those relationships to continue because I want a partner in my life who has a full range of interests that she can bring back to our relationship !!

Alcohol aside . one of the things that has caused the downfall of my marriage . was that neither of us had outside friends and interests !! .. Whenever we did something . we did it together . and seldom did we do something seperately .. Had alcohol not changed our marriage . I would have never taken yoga classes . pursued my hobbies . learned about health . nutrition and eating better !! .. In fact . the close physical part of our marriage . prevented "us" from exploring life and learning about ourselves and learning to love ourselves . and as a consequence . we stopped bringing anything new into the marriage !!

I like using the metaphor of burning logs in a fire .. One log can not generate enough heat to burn brightly by itself .. Two logs can burn brightly for awhile . but it takes three logs to create a bright and hot flame !! .. The third log of course is "outside interests" !! .. Even hobbies and other innocent outside interests . can be met with jealousy . in an unhealthy partnership !!

Sorry for the extremely long comment .. I didn't think that I was going to write so much !!

....................... G

reverend21 51M
1913 posts
4/30/2006 7:13 am

yes, I have heard of compersion, I great practioner of it.

deliciousngood 65F
1666 posts
4/30/2006 2:39 pm

Thanks Ils...great thoughts

Rev...thanks...can you expound on that? Tell us about the practice of compersion?

rm_anacortes 75M
2850 posts
4/30/2006 8:25 pm

"poly" it seems to me to be all about truth.. truth to yourself and the others you are involved with..

"poly", in my mind, will not work if there is game playing or power trips etc..

AND, yes, I do think poly can be sacred..

Casia1979 38F

5/3/2006 6:58 am

I have heard of compersion...not sure if I have felt it myself yet...but I know that my partner feels it for his wife, and the man that she is also with. It's definitely a new concept to me, and most others.

As for Big Love, I love this show! BUT, I feel it is somewhat unrealistic in some ways. The women are simply too jealous of one another, and this jealousy seems to cause more problems than I think would truly arise if this family were "real". I think they would be more comfortable with one another, and if not, they would find another lifestyle.

At the same time, they are so loveable and identifiable and this is hopefully what will lead the viewers who are somewhat closed-minded to open their minds a bit to "alternative" lifestyles.

deliciousngood 65F
1666 posts
5/3/2006 1:54 pm

I tend to feel that there is a difference between POLYAMORY and polygmay....subtle but different!
Thanks for the comments.....

jeffreyl1 66M  
24 posts
5/5/2006 10:54 pm

Fear, which is indeed the root of jealousy (and other "negative" emotions), is a normal, human response. In the jungle, it's that particular chemical reaction in our brains that makes our hair stand on end, just before the lion pounces, thus invoking "fight or flight" an instant or two earlier and hopefully improving the odds of survival. It's futile to talk about eschewing fear; it's as programmed into our makeup as another type of chemistry a bit more rampant here at AdultFriendFinder.

How one responds to fear however, is always a matter of choice. I would argue that jealousy is a choice to be avoided, because it turns the fear inwards, to feed on your heart and soul. It does nothing to secure the relationship, nor the well-being and/or happiness of its' object (which, after all, is what love ought to seek). And, in the final analysis, one has to remember that one cannot "own" another. True love comes to one willingly, or not at all; the emotional violence of jealousy robs a relationship completely of the volition necessary for real love. It's the difference between perching a butterfly on your finger and sticking it to a board with a pin.

I've been engaged in a polyamorous relationship (and mindset) for some time now, and I would be baldly lying if I said I had never been beset by the fear of loss, nor done battle with the demons of jealousy, as a result. My own answer is not so much couched in "compersion" (though in passing, I find the concept itself quite valid) as it is in a firm belief that I belong to me, and only me, while the same is equally true, in the inverse, of any individual I find myself in relationship with. Indeed, how can I enunciate love and respect for an individual and yet expect them to cater to my fears, and at the expense of their own honest desires, to boot...?

It's probably important to note in passing that polyamory as it's practiced spans a gamut of relationship every bit as varied and vibrant as that of the monoamorous community. "Mono" folks embrace everything from casual dating to marriage (or some equivalent commitment), and so do poly folks. The main difference, I think, is a belief that being open and transparent in a relationship is ultimately more important than a (possessive) sense of exclusivity.

In my mind, it's all about the old saw, "If you love something, set it free, etc., etc." Compersion thus is more a tool to me than an end in itself. In the final analysis, the real "end" is the same for both poly and mono folk. Or, as John and Paul put it, "All you need is love," ... indeed....

deliciousngood 65F
1666 posts
5/6/2006 5:14 am

JEFF(hi by the way and how the heck are you?)

BRAVO.....You have said it all!!


jeffreyl1 66M  
24 posts
5/6/2006 2:27 pm


All true, I think. For me, it's an issue of self-esteem and self-sufficiency. I am come to the realization in "my old age" that my care, my happiness and my life are my problems.

Too many, poly and mono alike, look to relationship as an abdication from their nonetheless inescapable responsibility to define, know, care for and ultimately love themselves. Co-dependency is alive and well, in other words (and axiomatically, to my thinking, represents an unhealthy situation, regardless of so-called orientation).

I thus look to others to share experience and time with, not to somehow accomplish things in lieu of my own participation in my own life. Jealousy, which is essentially the manifestation of the fear of loss, becomes easier to switch off when we acknowledge that the loss in quesiton is not to an intrinsic and inviolable self, but rather simply one of potential....

It perhaps sounds callous, but I will never again make the statement "I need you," to anyone because, the objective truth is, I don't. If you think about it though, it makes the statement, "I want you," immensely more meaningful and valuable.


I'm good ... et vous...?

deliciousngood 65F
1666 posts
5/6/2006 11:40 pm

I am good too.....ANd thanks so much for your very intelligent and thoughtful response!!

Loving more,


ilsgicemru 73M
2822 posts
5/7/2006 6:10 am

....................... Delicious

It's good to see the dialogue going on here .. I read the comments last night and re-read them this morning .. I thankyou again for the post . and everyone for their comments !!

This morning . I was able to turn some jealousy that I was feeling . into "compersion" by acknowledging the feeling where I felt it deep in my chest . realising that it was caused by an unfounded fear . accepting the feeling as a 'gift' to learn from . then replacing the fear of abandonment with the spirit of unconditional love !! .. What a miracle to be able to go from fear to love .. from feeling an empty hole and hunger in my solar plexus . to a lightness and fullness all over !!


VenusDiaries 63M
867 posts
5/7/2006 11:57 am

Polyamory as a lifestyle is wonderful if the participant is mature and confident enough in oneselve to understand all the emotions invovled.

VenusDiaries 63M
867 posts
5/7/2006 11:58 am

Beautiful Photograph on the lawn.

SirMounts 103M

5/8/2006 3:23 am

I compliment you on describling the lifestyle, so well.
...I like your blog, deliciousngood. *smiling*

want_a_bite 58F

5/9/2006 4:13 pm

I'm "playing" with half of a very "highly evolved" open marriage couple right now, and am learning a lot about jealousy, feelings of possession, property, and how my emotional and sexual response and excitement don't work smoothly as this stuff gets sorted out. But it feels like a useful exploration that will benefit me, and I enjoy the sex and, yes, the lovemaking, and it is definitely "lovemaking". So I feel lucky to be involved in their lives, though I also know it is temporary as they are moving out of the country soon. I will miss them. I will visit them. We may not always be lovers. I'm certain we will be friends.

deliciousngood 65F
1666 posts
5/9/2006 6:32 pm

I am involved in a similar scenario....a couple I am VERY good friends for life with and I am SOMETIMES sexual with one of them...but always friends...always caring and always both of's really a fine thing!

papyrina 52F
21133 posts
5/10/2006 4:35 am

Hugs right back at you

I'm a

i'm here to stay

TTigerAtty 63M

5/16/2006 4:52 pm

I had not heard of compersion before this post nor had I ever considered polyamory as a lifestyle for myself. To each his own, I suppose. Someone made the comment that "polyamory is wonderful if the participant is mature and confident enough in oneself to understand all the emotions involved". I am rather suspicious that this level of "understanding" would ever be reached in such a relationship. It is not something that I would want to "experiment" with personally.

SirluvsStorms 47M
684 posts
6/9/2006 2:06 am

Oh the things I learn from you! Thank you Alice

amoldenough 71F
16436 posts
6/19/2006 3:35 pm

I have not heard the word compersion. It sounds wonderful in theory, but I don't know if it would be right for me. I am very much a monogamus person. I do find that I have feelings of jealousy, and it's not a good feeling. It leaves me feeling bad about myself for having these feelings that we're not supposed to have. I think I will leave "compersion" for another time--maybe when I have grown up a little.

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."

amoldenough 71F
16436 posts
6/19/2006 3:41 pm

ils--I enjoyed your comments very much. Especially about unconditional love. I try to have unconditional love for the people in my life, and even some that are not. Some people are harder to love than others, but I feel that I do a pretty good job. However, it is the self-love that is hard for me. I have experienced much recjection from people that I loved and I thought loved me. But, they had the inability and were not capable of unconditional love towards me. So, I have a hard time loving myself. Hopefully, in time, I can get better at it. Thanks for your helpful words and sharing them with us.

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."

TheHungriestWolf 38M

8/3/2006 11:34 pm



Love is inherently selfless, so to love someone is to withhold your judgement and control over them.

It is like the Christian paradox that a "loving" God can create conscious beings in "His" likeness, only to cast them off to hell. It is an impossibility for a god of "love" to do this, just as it is an impossibility for two people to purely love each other and restrict each other from experiencing joy.

Some people may only receive joy from a monogamous relationship. And that is a wonderful thing! But all jealousies, fears and insecurities aside, most people yearn to express physical and emotional love to many people throughout the course of their life. And this is a positive thing!

I believe I will find a partner in my life, and I think that having that one person in your life is essential. You can't dedicate yourself to too many people because you only have so much energy and resources available to you. So you find that one person to "team up" with and in that union you find security.

From there you allow each other the freedom to love in your own unique ways and times and places. It is a gift greater than most we have grown accustom to giving in our society.

Anyone feel what I am saying?

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