Looking back, one last time.  

dasher121 37M
3656 posts
11/11/2005 8:05 am

Last Read:
10/10/2006 8:15 pm

Looking back, one last time.

I saw you yesterday, across the busy road, talking on your phone.

I remembered the last thing you said to me, before we parted ways for good. Do you remember?

I met you years ago, first year of college, you were lost in chaos, confused about yourself.

I was shy, innocent, and inexperienced. You opened my eyes to having fun, being more social, loving life.

I treated you like the beautiful lady you were, while others treated you like an object.

You taught me the wonders of sex, the pleasures of intimacy, and the ups and downs of falling in love for the first time.

I remembered the last thing you said to me, before we parted ways for good. Do you remember?

When your family would ignore you and push you out the door each time, I welcomed you into my family. Included you in everything that we did, all the laughs, good times, and special moments.

I wanted you there, to show someone did care.

I held your hair many nights while you prayed to the toilet, picked you up when you stumbled around.

I helped you through rough times of your addictions, stayed by your side while you were deathly ill and I rarely slept. Sitting by you to make sure you didnt stop breathing, never dosing for a second.

I remembered the last thing you said to me, before we parted ways for good. Do you remember?

I listened to you tell me out of jealousy that my family spoiled me in college with their visits and weeks supply of homemade food and money. While yours pretended you didnt exhist.

I shared all my possessions with you. I paid your bills with my refund checks, fed you my food.

When the police found that stuff in your car, I took the blame so you wouldnt get a DUI. Paid the fines and never said a word afterwards about it.

When the stress of bad family history and current problems overwhelmed you and your mind became bent, I never skipped a beat.

Sat up with you during countless nights while you cried for no reason, while your meds gave you out of control mood swings.

I never skipped a beat.

For our first few years together, I drove to your house always covering that distance because you were affraid to drive the interstate.

I sat in hours of traffic that one summer with the construction, just to see you.

To my ever dying shame, when I found out you cheated, I took you back. And was equally ashamed when I stooped to your level to get my revenge, to feel wanted again.

When I lost my way, you werent there. You turned your back on me when I needed you most.

I reached out for someone, ANYONE and yet felt the grasp of no ones hand in mine, pulling me back. So I pulled myself back, picked myself up again by the bootstraps and soldiered on. Knowing that my actions didnt define me, its how I picked back up that did........and on my own. All alone, surrounded by fake friends more loyal to you than ever to me.

I remembered the last thing you said to me, before we parted ways for good. Do you remember?

You said that I was selfish, and was not the sweet kid you first fell in love with.

I will always remember the things that you taught me, the experiences and the lessons that I learned from you.

But I dont want your memories anymore, dont need or care for them now. You broke my heart, and never realized how much I was there for you. How much caring for you dragged me down, brought me pain and worry.

How my own mental health was sliding out from under me. But I never faltered, never gave up on you because of the love in my heart for you.

But not anymore, we havent been together in a long time. And now Im finally free of you, for good.

You'll never read this, but this isnt for you. You'll never understand how wrong your words were. But you arent supposed to.

I saw you yesterday, across the busy road, talking on your phone. I remember the last thing you said to me before we parted ways for good.

I look over my shoulder one last time..... I smile to myself and keep walking......Im free

rm_texasgal1978 47F
225 posts
11/11/2005 1:18 pm

It's a good feeling knowing that you are free. I have been there and when you realize you no longer are holding on to those feelings and memories it is quite a release.

okyme 54F

11/12/2005 11:43 am

I have to say, your blog is such a broken hearted emotion, but for all the love you felt, you will grow strong. For all the tears yo cried, you will care more, for moving on with your life, you will become happier. Good luck and thank you for sharing, it was beautiful in a sad strong way.

looking4fun_604 51F
67 posts
11/12/2005 12:39 pm

very poetic....very sad. To comment on Gishtoo's reply, she will not wake up and realize what she had/lost. If you were there through an addiction, the addict can say the words I'm sorry afterwards, but never truly feel the hurt caused by their actions or words while they were in the throes of their addiction. Harsh reality, but truer words were never spoken. Been there, done that.

I'm sorry you had to experience this, but it helped to make you the person you are today. Hopefully you love yourself half as much as I like you. God (or whatever you believe in) does things for a reason. We may not understand why these things happen when they happen, but sometime in the future it becomes clear to us why we went through what we went through. It just serves to make you stronger, to prepare you for something bigger and better.

Thank you for letting us catch a glimpse of what make you you.

rm_bella_ 48F
4030 posts
11/12/2005 1:40 pm

Wonderful post...full of emotions and truths...you are the type of man that turns women on...believe me.

To be free...I understand your feeling..as though all the baggage that you have been carrying just disappeared from your life, your mind, your fears.....be free...stay free...

dasher121 37M

11/12/2005 9:48 pm

Thank you all for the comments. This was a weird one for me, and not to express what I was feeling. It's more weird for me because of the history that was attached. Of course everyone has "the ex". And this, obviously, was mine. Hadnt seen her in a long time and our parting words were not the best.
Going to try to choose my words carefully here. It's not that I still had strong feelings. Not the case at all. When things ended I knew it was for the better. But up until I saw her a few days back across the street, I had this feeling that never seemed to leave. It's like having a wound that never fully heals or a shadow that you just cant seem to loose. Its not an unimportant thing, and not very noticeable. But it is there. I guess I didnt have any closure. And the parting comments I got were very unfair. Screwed up my perception.
After this incident(if you could call it that), I felt different. The wound healed and the shadow was no longer there. And sometimes putting something into words is a refreshing feeling.

rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
11/12/2005 11:04 pm

wow, Axl, whats up with the harem? I told you that was a good look.

tillerbabe 57F

11/13/2005 2:54 am

That is so beautiful! Thank you so much fro taking the step and sharing yourself with the rest of us - makes me love you more.

You are a beautiful, soulful strong man and I say "CHEERS to you!" for moving forward after giving so much. Don't change the beautiful soul that is YOU! (GAWD i wish I was closer.....) {=}

dasher121 37M

11/14/2005 8:22 am

hey there sister saint- welcome back, havent seen you in here in a bit. yeah, the average dude look hahaha.

Till- thank you also for the kind words, means alot to this dude

lookingfor- couldnt have put it any better than you did, very insightful and hit the nail on the head.

dasher121 37M

11/14/2005 9:15 am

bella- to finally feel free is one of the greatest feelings in the world! since that day, my step has a new bounce in it, my smile a bit bigger(i always smile though), and my perception on what had happened clearer. It truely is wonderful, and infectious.

dasher121 37M

11/15/2005 9:51 am

Shugi, going to have to remember that. Thank you humbold.

femme872 30F

11/18/2005 3:40 am

That was the saddest post i ever read!
And u know, in a way it has made me realise many things about my break up.
Thank u for that.
I guess things can only get better from this point on.

dasher121 37M

11/18/2005 7:14 am

femme- glad that this could help in some way. thanks for the comments.

RedheadedMedStd 35F

12/19/2005 10:36 am

The way you pour your heart out, the way you release all those inner demons, the way your words can touch a complete strangers soul. Your writing is exquisite, and I thank you for sharing all your happiness, fears, love and tears, with us...

rm_goddess1946 107F
13518 posts
3/28/2006 2:56 pm

Reading this after a reference made in a later blog...
Knowing that it is hard to forget...and there are some
things that one will always remember. I, like you, have
chosen to remember what I want to remember as positive...
the addictive one can kill you in many ways and I know because
I have been there.

I cried reading this one, Dude..thanks for sharing it...I must
not be as healed as I'd like to think I am because this still
cuts through me as though the pain was my own..

You are free...always...and very deserving of so much more.
We all are. love to you, Goddess1946

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...

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