Too close, too personal to say  

curious082385 32F
4230 posts
3/18/2006 4:19 am

Last Read:
3/28/2006 7:42 am

Too close, too personal to say

Ever have those times when you are tired, exhausted beyond belief...but when you lay down to try to sleep, you just can’t? Your body screams for rest, but your mind spins unrelenting webs of thought to keep sleep at bay?

Yep...that would be me for the last few days. So now, here I sit at work, at my computer, wishing I could be curled into a warm bed, wishing for peace and sleep.

There should be a rule against blogging when you feel like this. All inhibitions, fears and safeguards sort of don’t matter any more. Thoughts float through my mind, tingle at the tips of my fingers...begging to be written. Somewhere there is a voice of caution that whispers, “don’t...those are too personal...too close...not to be shared”.

So I sat down and wrote all of those thoughts. Let it all spill out into this little white box that has become my outlet and my diary. Didn't bother with spell check. Clicked Add.

I left it up for about few minutes and went to answer back to comments on previous posts. As I was scrolling down the page, my eyes caught on one of the paragraphs I had just written. This resulted in me re-reading the whole post and now here I am...clicking Edit and deleting my words. They were just too close to my heart...too much of me...too vulnerable.

So now, I'm sitting here...trying to think of some deep lesson I can pull from this or something witty to say or even of a new idea for a post. But there just isn't anything. So I guess I'll leave this as it is...the ramblings of an exhausted Curious. Take it as and how you like.

rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
3/18/2006 4:54 am

I understand.............thats all I can say.

curious082385 replies on 3/18/2006 6:07 am:
Sometimes that is all that needs to be said.

rm_PurryKitty2 49M/51F
9753 posts
3/18/2006 5:13 am

I have been there!

Purry {=}


curious082385 replies on 3/18/2006 6:09 am:
We all have been at some point or another I think.

angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
3/18/2006 5:54 am

I've been there. Actually feel the same way this morning. Sometimes its a good thing there is an edit and delete button on here!

curious082385 replies on 3/18/2006 6:09 am:
Oh yes! A very good thing.

pet_humility 50F

3/18/2006 5:57 am

Well at least you wrote them and it felt good
to get them out. Even to go re-read something helps..but then
sometimes you think, damn that is just to much to show and do exactly what you did and delete... But at least you might feel a wee bit
better huh?

curious082385 replies on 3/18/2006 6:17 am:
Yes, it did feel good to write them. But as to making me feel any better...can I get back to you on that one?

carebearluv2 43F

3/18/2006 9:33 pm

Any therapist would tell you that you should write your feelings down, even if you never post them or send them. I am putting together a letter to my father and will probably end up never sending it. It just feels better to write it down sometimes. I hope one day you will gather the courage to post it, like I will gather the courage to continue my previous post...

curious082385 replies on 3/19/2006 6:08 am:
Perhaps some day I will. We'll see. I hope that you do continue yours. It is good to see you moving forwards.

onelittlesecret 34M
1579 posts
3/18/2006 9:38 pm

I've sometimes have that problem, where my brain won't shut up so I can go to sleep. It seems you've been going through a lot right now, I hope life starts giving you a little bit of a break. And you know what they say, about peaks and valleys and all that, I bet you're going to do alright with yourself.

And personally, probably not everything I write should be shared with other people. lol!
Sometimes I need to work through it just for myself, but doing it as if I were writing it to someone else can help me to then go back and look at myself more objectively.

If there is anything you'd like to share though, please feel free. I think they'll be several folks who will receive it kindly. Although I might be a little naive, or totally oblivious, to some of the mean and rude people around here.

curious082385 replies on 3/19/2006 6:10 am:
Yeah, not everything that I write should be put out here in the open. I wouldn't so much say that there are mean people out here, although there are a few, just some who don't understand or don't care to understand.

MyRealLoverOne 47M

3/18/2006 10:46 pm

(((hugz))) to you dear one!

curious082385 replies on 3/19/2006 6:10 am:
Thank you.

bardicman 51M

3/19/2006 2:01 am

Hugs, My last post is far more personal than what I normally put out. It is not disguised at all. I think I shall leave it this time.

I am not dead yet

curious082385 replies on 3/19/2006 6:11 am:
*softly kisses your forehead*
Yes, I read it and applaud you for posting something so close. Perhaps I should do the same, we'll see. For now it is enough to talk to those who care.

Fox4aKnight1 44F

3/19/2006 8:11 am

been there curious ..............sometimes too many times to count.... hugs gal ....

curious082385 replies on 3/20/2006 5:27 am:
And hugs back to you, sweetie. I hope you are coming out of your own ok.

rm_corezon 54F
3376 posts
3/19/2006 1:13 pm

(If this posts twice by all means delete it; I am wordy enough as it is, lol, I know this)

I expect once you get a truly good 12-24 hour sleep and are finally rested everything will begin to fall together in your mind.

There are times I post more personal stuff on my blog than other times and I seem to be throwing more in the longer I stay. I tend to put in only the things that I am comfortable with there being discourse about. I have occasionally posted and thought better of it and deleted all or parts of it if I decided later that I just didn't want to share least not yet.

If I feel the need or the desire to post I post. There are times I'm not sure about a post, but I decide I am curious enough of the response to risk it anyway, and confident enough to respond to any fallout.

So...until you feel like, ok, I'm not sure about this but it is time...then don't post it. You are right about the tired thing...I do it too. Things that seem confusing and hopeless when I am tired look much better in the morning light after I've had a good couple of nights of sleep.

curious082385 replies on 3/20/2006 5:30 am:
Yeah...looking back I'm really glad that I didn't put it up. Well, parts of it anyway. It's saved into my e-mail, so maybe parts of it will be used later (it was really long) for other posts. But we'll see. Yes, things did look clearer after some rest...or perhaps not clearer, but easier to deal with.

rm_corezon 54F
3376 posts
3/19/2006 1:13 pm


curious082385 replies on 3/20/2006 5:30 am:
Yep, it posted twice!

curious082385 replies on 3/20/2006 5:30 am:
Ok, I swear I didn't mean to double post the comment!

elysianpleasure 48M

3/20/2006 5:59 am

Enough with the hugs, and understanding... my dear... you need to get out and do something with that energy. If I were there right now... I would take you dancing in the streets... I would strip naked for you... and I would sing at the top of my lungs the best version of the Sugar Hill's Gang's Rapper's Delights that a middle ages, white guy can do... it ain't pretty... but if that didn't make you laugh... nothing would... so here goes...

I said a hip hop,
Hippie to the hippie,
The hip, hip a hop, and you don't stop, a rock it
To the bang bang boogie, say, up jump the boogie,
To the rhythm of the boogie, the beat.
Now, what you hear is not a test - I'm rappin' to the beat,
And me, the groove, and my friends are gonna try to move your feet. s
See, I am Wonder Mike, and I'd like to say hello,
To the black, to the white, the red and the brown,
The purple and yellow. But first, I gotta
Bang bang, the boogie to the boogie,
Say up jump the boogie to the bang bang boogie,
Let's rock, you don't stop,
Rock the rhythm that'll make your body rock.
Well so far you've heard my voice but I brought two friends along,
And the next on the mic is my man Hank,
C'mon, Hank, sing that song!

Check it out, I'm the C-A-S-A, the N-O-V-A,
And the rest is F-L-Y,
You see I go by the code of the doctor of the mix,
And these reasons I'll tell you why.
You see, I'm six foot one, and I'm tons of fun
When I dress to a T,
You see, I got more clothes than Muhammad Ali
and I dress so viciously.
I got bodyguards, I got two big cars
That definitely ain't the wack,
I got a Lincoln Continental and a sunfoofed Cadillac.
So after school I take a dip in the pool,
Which is really on the wall,
I got a colour TV, so I can see
The Knicks play basketball. Hear me talk about
Checkbooks, credit cards, mo' money
Than a sucker could ever spend,
But I wouldn't give a sucker or a bum form the Rucker
Not a dime 'til I made it again. Everybody go
Ho-tel, Mo-tel, Whatcha gonna do today? (Say what?)
'Cos I'm a get a fly girl,
Gonna get some spank n' drive off in a def OJ. Everybody go
Ho-tel, Mo-tel, Holiday Inn,
Say if your girl starts actin' up, then you take her friend.
Master Gee! My mellow!
It's on to you, so whatcha gonna do?

... I could finish... but you get the idea...

aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
3/26/2006 1:23 pm

Been there... I've left them up to prove it.

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