curious082385 32F
4230 posts
11/12/2005 8:46 am

Last Read:
9/15/2006 10:10 pm


Mood: bitter

Do you know what hurts? To find a place, a person and to truly start to believe that you can be yourself, open the deepest parts of your heart and be safe. You start to show little's accepted with open arms and you are loved for it....and slowly the walls start to crumble. Then one day, afraid but trusting that it will be ok, you say something that is a deep, deep pain, a secret that you guard so closely. You shake as you write it and remember.....but it's going to be ok, right? After all, this is your safe place, they'll still love you, pull you into comforting hugs....won't they?
Only to be proven wrong.
I have gotten several cruel e-mails in my Inbox here. I won't name names, because I won't stoop to that level. The people who wrote them know who they are.

Perhaps it was my fault for opening myself so quickly. But that is me. I don't guard or hold people at arms distance.

So many people think that they can deal with things, will say "try me, i can handle it, i promise". But in the end, when they see the scars, when they hear the tears, when suddenly confronted with the ugliness and darkness inside me and the things that put them there....they learn that they can't take it. So they turn away, pull back in disgust or simply walk away. They want you to be happy, not scarred. They can't take it, can't stand the truth of who I am and the experiences that brought me to this point. They'll interrupt and ask you to stop telling them, caution you that they may not want to hear it.

Please forgive me for my bitterness. This is not aimed at all of you....but only a few. You know who you are. But don't worry, I'll guard myself and my heart.

nightstalker172 38M
1258 posts
11/12/2005 9:51 am

Its not your fault that people are too weak to handle certain things about you. You shouldnt blaim yourself for being who you are. Its not your fault they cant handle it. but now you've done it have perked my curiosity...all this talk about darkness and ugliness...everyone has their inner demons...some people just arent strong enough to handle it. Im sorry people on here have treated you badly for your darkness. I can relate to that. Just because that darkness exists inside you doesnt make you a bad person. you let everyone see you and that can lead t alot of pain down the road. I on the other hand. Im very gaurded I let few people see me because few will understand and I feel few deserve it. But being guarded has its own pains just like being open. Being lonely or being an outcast from most people comes to mind. You either leave yoursefl open for people to tear you appart or you gaurd yourself and imprison your heart in a wall of stone and allow only a few visitors now and then. Neither sound very pleasant. It doesnt seem possible to come to a happy meduim either. You are a kind and gentle person and youve done alot of good. Like with that kid Will. Very few teachers would do what you've done for him. You should be proud of yourself and not let the weak bring you down.

634694u 47M

11/12/2005 12:33 pm

I will. The more you show, The more I need.

PrincessKarma 44F
6188 posts
11/12/2005 12:59 pm

Oh, precious... I am sorry that you have to learn that lesson on your own. People are mean-spirited and cruel because they cannot face life in all its pain and glory.

You know what I am going through right now... but I will not allow a so-called friend's betrayal and gloating to get me down, nor a coward's refusal to take up the challenge and rewards of loving me to defeat me.

You are beautiful inside and out, and those scars only enhance the beauty. You are loved, precious, remember that always *HUG*

And if anybody doesn't like/love you as you are, their loss!

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

spinmedown 50M
3626 posts
11/12/2005 3:14 pm

I think only those truly lacking in heart could wish to injure those who choose to share their heart. Be brave and be strong.

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde

jim5131 56M
1296 posts
11/12/2005 10:16 pm

I can't imagine the scars, tears, ugliness and darkness inside of you.

I feel like I know you....these thoughts seem alien to me.

Disregard those that cannot accept you for who you are. They look for someone perfect...that banal idea is a fantasy. We both know that nobody is perfect to anyone else. We learn to accept each other dispite our shortages and misgivings.

Stay being real, honest with yourself and you'll never doubt yourself...

rm_SexyByShasta 46M
2 posts
11/13/2005 5:49 am

The key, i believe it in recognizing that they are sicker than thee. And opening up with the expectation that those who see the real you may be to fucked up themselves to deal appropriately. Even if you open up and get a hurtful response, you have grown in the experience.

I hope you do not let anything said to you or about you lower your estimation of yourself. You are as wonderful as you can be and fuck those who do not realize it.

rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
11/13/2005 2:31 pm

If I can quit looking at shasta long enough I will tell you from one scarred person to another, you will find someone that will understand and accept you some day. That is the definition of love, acceptence. I did and you will too. I love the pic on your post, its beautiful.

curious082385 32F
4925 posts
11/14/2005 12:08 am

First off, may I say to all of you a very heartfelt thank you. Your kind words have me blushing and in tears.

Nightstalker - how right you are. In my life outside of AdultFriendFinder, I do protect it and wall myself off, put on the happy know the routine. For some reason, it never occured to me to do it even my definition of guarding is still more open than I've ever been. If that makes sense.

63 - what to say to you, my dear? Once again, the simplicity and honesty of your answer touches my heart.

Princess - "beautiful inside and out" are you, dearest. Don't let them get you down.

Spinmedown - truly lacking, yes...enough that I almost pity them. Yes, it can be painful, but so wonderful to.

Jim - perfection is only an illusion...this I know. Still, just once, I would like to be someones perfection.

Shasta - "recognizing that they are sicker than thee" make me smile. But yes, it's growth and sometimes growth hurts. Emotional growing pains, I suppose.

Saintlianna - Shasta's pic?? lol...pretty distracting isn't it?
Someday, yes, I hope I'll find him. He's out there, I know. Thank you.

Efilnikufecin69 48M

11/15/2005 6:17 am

Let me at'em, I'll splat 'em!

007sexy40plus 52F  
7603 posts
11/15/2005 7:42 am

I have gotten nasty emails and I have posted them with their names, But I am growing from that. I got a post the other day I thought was negative towards me I had responded but then after I thought about it, I deleted it and the response I made. I figured why bother with trash build up, just put it to the curb for garbage day.

Hang in there lady, It gets worse, but you can just ignore it. Don't let it get you down..

btw I agree with you all about Shasta's photo, its very distracting.

I am the real deal! "Come Get Me!!!"

PrincessKarma 44F
6188 posts
11/15/2005 4:40 pm

*snrk* What's so distracting about a cock shot? Seen one, seen 'em all.

straight: True. Best to kick the toxic people out of your life instead of encouraging them by paying attention.

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

HedonisticGuy69 47M
90 posts
11/18/2005 9:15 am

Facades, facades abound, around us all.
The inability to show a piece of ones heart is an indication of where they are in their journey to find self. Age is not the best indicator for at twenty you write well and express yourself in a way that many twice your age cannot.
Experiences will lead to greater and greater wisdom but beware of becoming overly jaded. As life's disappointments mount, this danger can become reality.
I have found that people who put blinders on cannot face the darkness in themselves let alone in another. So is it a suprise that they shun or turn away, possibly lash out, even?
If you have the courage, dare I say the naivette, to bare yourself in ways great and small immediately, then you are leaps and bounds further along towards becoming a fully self actualized individual compared to most.
When you recognize someone cannot do the same, someone who's closed minded then just accept this for what it is... a comment about them less about you in any negative sense, whatsoever.
Life is a journey of self discovery as you have stated. The hurts, the scrapes and assortment of challenges provide opportunity to grow and develop.
You are a dancer... are you not stronger, swifter, more agile and limber because of repeated challenges (workouts) you put your body thru? Muscle responds to stimuli, without it there's no growth only decay.
No different than the muscle which provides life sustaining blood thru your body, the heart, nor that which gives life to imagination, that's contained in your skull, a beautiful mind.
I look forward to further creativity pleasantly discovered here in future. Be well! No fears as there's no doubt there will be many who will bring thee what you need.

dasher121 37M

12/14/2005 4:32 am

for all the horrible and shitty people that are out there, there are just as many if not more great ones. you are a wonderful woman. dont let stupid ignorant people shake you into hiding yourself.

dasher121 37M

12/14/2005 4:33 am

people do and say stupid things. and it effects their life in negative ways, gives them bad karma. things do get better and those people do disappear.

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