Baring My Soul  

curious082385 32F
4230 posts
7/12/2006 5:48 pm

Last Read:
7/19/2006 1:09 am

Baring My Soul

You keep goading me. Keep teasing, taunting me with accusations of shy, fearful innocence. Testing and always pushing my boundaries of how much I will reveal here. Do you really want to know?
Do you really want to know why I don't share my exploits, my stories of wild nights?
You've been banging on the lock of this Pandora's you really want to see what is inside?

The people who I trust, the people who are closest to me know the truth...they know why I try to hard to keep my sex life private, why it is so intensely important to me to keep sex and dignity separated by harsh lines of black and white. But you couldn't be content with me telling you I had my reasons, could you? So fine...fuck it. You really want to know? I'll tell you.

I came here looking for casual sex because it is the closest thing to a physical connection that I can have with someone. If I let emotion get tied up in it, the bad gets pulled up with the good. I can't feel love without hate, safety without terror, connection without the remembrance of the severance of my soul from my body.

Are the words enough or shall I tear my clothes off and show you the scars? Because I have them.

Do you want an exact recounting of all the blows that fell on me as I was helpless and tied to that tree? Because I can list them all...the ones that came from his fists and all the kicks.

Is that enough for you to understand why I guard my privacy or shall I continue?

Should I try to describe to you the way a woman works? How all of us have an inner mother and an inner child? And how the mother weeps in despair as the child screams in terror and confusion? How you have to find some way to leave your body, fight desperately to disconnect yourself as he you because it is the only way to survive?

Do you want me to tell you how it felt to have his fists slam into my stomach, my hands tied behind me so I was unable to curl in defense around my unborn child? Or how it felt to have the blood of my murdered baby run down my legs and hear his laughter?

You have no idea what it is like to fall to your knees, look up into the mocking eyes of the only person whose death you could coldly and truly rejoice in and have to beg for your life and his mercy.
You can't possibly understand it and I pray to every god there is that you never will.

But don't goad me with cowardice...I've survived things you can't even begin to imagine.
Don't taunt that I can't or won't reveal all here...that darkness is kept locked deep to protect those that I love.

bulging_boy 50M

7/12/2006 6:51 pm

When I said to you... if anything... i know you'll earn more respect from me

You proved me right.

Curious... I will always stand beside you as a friend.

rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
7/12/2006 6:56 pm

I love you C.

You are many things, and coward is not one of them

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
7/12/2006 7:25 pm

You have a strength that most will never know throughout their entire lives. This post proves it, as if there were any doubt. As if it matters if there was. You know who you are and THAT's what counts. You are the best of the best.


Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

toothysmile 51M
16517 posts
7/12/2006 7:39 pm

the beauty that lies within you leaves me in awe.

bardicman 51M

7/12/2006 7:41 pm

Hugs Baby.

I am not dead yet

carebearluv2 43F

7/12/2006 7:47 pm

I am speechless as a single tear drips down my cheek. You know I love you.

Choozmi 51M

7/12/2006 8:31 pm

Thank you for sharing that with us.

I'm sure I speak for others when I say that we will listen to (read) anything and everything you have to say.

maverick1255 52M
3953 posts
7/12/2006 8:48 pm

I am sorry to hear your pain. And how utterly deep it is.

Thank you for allowing us a glimpse of this. You did not have to. And especially for who ever is bothering you! He has no right!

Sending you warm echos of healing waves from my heart. Warm caring hugs.

Mav, feeling blessed

rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
7/12/2006 9:55 pm

You don't owe these people, or anyone, anything, any explanation. If it helps you to write and publish your pain, that's one thing, but if it hurts to do it, you owe us nothing. I know.


StillSmokin2oo6 45M/44F

7/13/2006 12:17 am

Just be yourself,that's the person we've all come to care for so very much... fuck anyone who doesn't like ya for it...

gloriousjourney 40M
62 posts
7/13/2006 1:18 am


papyrina 52F
21133 posts
7/13/2006 2:24 am

just be your self,we are mostly all here for you,sod the shits who upset you.

hugs my friend,get in touch if you just feel the need to rant or talk with a stranger

I'm a

i'm here to stay

papyrina 52F
21133 posts
7/13/2006 2:26 am

and for all those who have been abused reading this ,please read [post 340157] with over 6 pages of comments from abused men and women,you are not alone,hugs to each and every oneof you

I'm a

i'm here to stay

funintheday2006 57M
9659 posts
7/13/2006 3:30 am

I just felt my heart break.

PurplePeach72 45F  
9199 posts
7/13/2006 5:43 am

Dear C,
I'm so sorry someone pushed you to this, they have no right, and should be ashamed. I've been there with you in your hell as it was mine too, I've been the child, young woman, and adult woman abused, beaten, bloody, abused over and over again until I could break free and survived. We are survivors, we are here for you, we love you for everything you are, you are beautiful and perfect! Scars are badges of honor, reminders of our courage, our drive, our survival.
Hugs & {=}'s,

Thanks so much for your kind words on my blog. {=}


elysianpleasure 48M

7/13/2006 11:35 am

* Hugs *

love you... it isn't ok... but you are... and your friends are still here

* More hugs *

Seriously_Real 49M

7/13/2006 11:35 am

There are times when words fail and tears fall. I have known you, like this, of this, for a while. Every time I hear of it I wonder how it can be that an angel could be tormented by evil.

You will read the words, though, here, of those who love you. We know your soul was never tied to a tree, never scared, and never stopped from surpassing anything in its way. That you are still here, that you are still who you are says all there is to know.

Still. Even so. There are times when words fail and tears fall.

While that happens, as you make the right choices, an army mobilizes. An army of ones you love holding your banner, doing battle with thoughts and prayers and energy for what is right, saying your name to the wind to be carried where it must go. We would run through walls, and bear any pain with and for you. You know you are not alone. Your Constants never leave.

But you might not know just how strong we are for you, and how large your army is. Do you know the most beautiful thing of all?

You do not need saving.


moo_nips 58F

7/13/2006 2:51 pm

It pains to read the words of your tragedy and suffering

Yet, I sense such a strength and truely vital spirit within you
that is so much stronger than the pain..

I am one of those who feels the Cosmos can be touched from within

And I also feel something very deep is inside you...something many of us need to experience - the joy and perspective of You...a single ray of that light would be enough for a simple one like me...and luckily there are many rays available...for all the others who would share such brightness!

keep on keepin on sister...know your heart is wide and deep

seek_u_topia 52M

7/13/2006 4:08 pm

Oh sweetheart...I so wish there was something that I or anyone could do to take away those memories and those events. (I remember you saying in a post a while back that the car accident you were involved in was your second scariest/worst experience.) Of course you don't have to reveal anything to anyone, but I do hope this helped you. I want you to know that I can't imagine the strength it must take to write about such an event, and I have no doubt you must feel pain just at the thought of it. But you are clearly a strong woman...and yet no one should have to endure such things.

wishing i could take the pain away...and wrap you in warmth and safety. big hug my friend

tootsiedippin 54M/54F
1078 posts
7/13/2006 5:49 pm



TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
7/13/2006 6:21 pm

I am so sorry, for everything you have been are a strong woman, and have many friends here.

Addy19742 44F

7/13/2006 7:28 pm

Words could not possibly express how sorry I am. Your wording is so powerful, like you. Hugs to you!

marywannado 44F

7/13/2006 9:08 pm

Hey, ya know my thoughts on this, *hugs* to ya... some people can be so cruel...

rm_shannee2006 53F
3355 posts
7/14/2006 1:06 pm

Sometimes there is nothing to be said that can possibly cover how a person feels at witnessing the bravery it takes to tell the truth even when it's painful to the strength it takes to survive what shouldn't be done to the honor it does others to witness someone standing up for herself despite horror, pain and fear.

Thank you for your story. I honor you. I am sorry for your loss. The loss of your dignity, your child, your sense of safety and your ability to trust and love.

I won mine back...and I know you can too...though not your child. That's the sadest part.

I root for you and for all survivors. Hang in there fellow traveler.

Yup...this juiciness is from me....


curious082385 32F
4925 posts
7/15/2006 5:46 am

Thank you to all who commented here.
I knew that eventually this was going to come out on my blog...but I didn't think it would feel this good to release it. Thank you beyond words for your reaction.

WayneMarie4girl 46M/39F

7/18/2006 2:30 pm

We hope you find your inner peace.

HBowt2 60F

7/18/2006 4:27 pm

there are no words to change or take away that horror but i'm glad you shared how you is good to release it...makes you feel less alone....stronger cos you can talk about it.....and more sure that it should never have happened....HB2xx

aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
7/18/2006 7:23 pm

Holy shit am I so very sorry to have read this post... I never knew... I'm sorry! Hugs...

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