My worst day  

rm_cru1972 46M
3520 posts
4/6/2006 6:52 pm

Last Read:
7/27/2010 9:30 pm

My worst day


Let me start this by saying I have not felt like myself lately. I have been perusing the place we call Blogland looking for something to get me out of this stale feeling. I have visited hundreds of blogs looking for SOMETHING. I don’t know what I was looking for, or maybe hoping to find.

I think it may have something to do with the flood of emotions I have had lately, see for most of my life I have been “shut down” not feeling anything. Not love, not hope, not happiness, not even despair nor desire. It was a life, not a great one, but it was comfortable because I was not able to be hurt anymore. That is all I had ever remember wanting, not being hurt.

My worst day started one night while drinking with friends, oh how I know that statement Well once we were “gone” we went driving around looking for something to do, “How ‘bout mailbox baseball?” one of them say’s. Well all righty then, we had a plan, we had my car, we had a bat, and mostly we had fun!!

Or so I thought, turns out people saw my car, and that’s exactly what they told the police. And with being the honest person I am, I fessed up, little did I know it was 43 charges, all coming with federal charges on top of it. WOOfuckinHOO. Just what I want jail time, and most likely lots of it.

Well the next few days were very hard on me, trying to figure out a way out of the situation. Well there was one thought that kept popping into my mind, and with my past, my depression , my unemotional state of life it started to sound very romantic. Now I needed a plan, one that wasn’t messy, one that wouldn’t hurt, one that would work!

Okay I have a plan, one that would work. I got a 12-pack and put the rest of my money in the gas tank after work. I went home and got my most prized possessions, and a hose. I drank and waited for dark. I knew where it would happen and how it would happen. I hooked the hose into the exhaust of my car, and ran the hose into the window. I finished what was left of the beer. I remember as I drifted of the first time “Thunder Island was on the radio. And I thought to myself what a way to go. Well six hours later, and several times of coming to It was starting to get light out, and I couldn’t have that, or I may be found. So off I go to where I lived and the garage. Okay So the hose didn’t work, but I know that it always works in a garage RIGHT?

Wrong at 9:00 after 10 hours of trying to die someone showed up and found me. Well after that nobody would let me out of their site, until I got help. Which I did, the psych ward. After all the questions, which my father and stepmother sat in on Everyone in the room except myself, could not believe I had made it as long as I did. Well to me that’s where the being “shut off” was my savior. It made it easier to deal with my life. After being poked, and prodded, and MRI’s, and CAT scans, I was given a clean bill of health. No brain damage no nothing, just depression. But after one and a half long week. I had realized, IF I did not die then, the doctor’s and nurses must be right! There has to be something out there for me. Something GREAT! Well to this day I live off of that sentiment. I wake every morning to greet the day, with wonder and awe. WHAT AWAITS ME TODAY?

Dedicated to a friend going through some hard times. Hopefully this let's her know she is not alone.

HOTNBOTHERED0414 48F

4/6/2006 8:01 pm

I have been there and I know what your saying. Maybe one day I will tell you about the day I should have died!


LustyTaurus 50M
21253 posts
4/6/2006 8:14 pm

Wow..that was depressing...lol

I'm glad you made it through cru...sometimes fuckin something up is a good thing right?

Thanks for sharing, you will probably help more people than you'll ever know by posting that.

lustytaurus


sweetSinn2690
2943 posts
4/6/2006 8:29 pm

cru...this is really touching that you would share such deep privacy with us...I really admire all that is coming out in you, you are such a sweet, caring guy and one day someone will come along to be your equal...because you so deserve it. Everyone should have your attitude and you may not know it, but you are teaching me and probably others that hey...maybe shit ain't so bad...look how he came out. I just want to say thanks for all the sweet things you do and say...~sweet~


Oh WHATEVER BITCHES!


catseyes23 62F

4/6/2006 8:36 pm

That certainly was a read and a half.

Thanks for sharing that with all of us, Cru. I can only express what Lusty has already said.


Cats...


Kaliedascope61 43M
4084 posts
4/6/2006 10:24 pm

wow man! i gotta stop by here a heck of alot more often! Great job on your blog, great stories! Even if they sucked going through at time, im glad you made it through to tell your tale.


powerbella 44F

4/6/2006 10:41 pm

Dearest Cru,

The most truthful words I ever heard was : "Hope floats..." Living in hope and anticipation of goodness and kindness is faith(to believe with all that is within you and with your whole being in those things we cannot see yet.

Cru, I must say this, you have emotions! I have been reading your posts for some time now and you are alive in your emotions, you have a beautiful heart and soul. I have learned in this week that even those really bad situations in our lives can be turned into good growing situations. Cru, I believe you to be one of the few people that will also be able to recognise that it is due to grace(unmerited favour) that you are standing.

You encouraged me this morning tremendously!!! Sometimes we think we are so broken we are not worth anything to anyone, but out of the broken vessels, between all those cracks and holes, living waters flow through barren ground around us and we feed people...

You are beautiful to me!!!


rm_yukonpaul 52M
1120 posts
4/6/2006 11:40 pm

I've had a noose around my neck and one step away from ending it too. Those thoughts are mostly gone, thanks to medications and some therapy.

Thank you for sharing. I know how difficult that is.


jadedbabe78 107F

4/7/2006 1:06 am

Wow, I would certainly call that a bad day .

Thank you for sharing something so personal and deep.

~Jadey


mycin62 56F

4/7/2006 1:51 am

You know once you hit the bottom, the only way to go is up! Hang in there, this too shall pass. Thank you for sharing something so personal and thought provoking.

Cin


PassionKisses4Me 45F

4/7/2006 3:31 am

I too have been to that very low point in my life...and hopefully shall never return..thanks for sharing...glad you are still here with us...luv ya...hugs and kisses baby

Becky

~Becky~


rm_metalmama69 43F
3878 posts
4/7/2006 6:28 am

Thank you for this, you will be hearing from me very soon


Efilnikufesin69 48M

4/7/2006 6:38 am

Your pure willpower and sub-conscious desire to survive pulled you through. Shows just how strong your character really is. Good thing you made it! Thanks for this one chief!


rm_DarknStar 55F
2823 posts
4/7/2006 6:47 am

WOW Cru...Thanks for sharing your story, and Glad your still here! For some reason it just wasnt your time to go! and that, that good person that lives above us, has a mission for you. Just like he has a mission for us all. I have been there too, I thought, life would be better without ME. Well maybe more along the thoughts that I didnt want to hurt anymore and thoughts of dieing would be Better. Well hell I wouldnt have to feel the pain or the hurt anymore, but hell Im still here!

Yes I look everyday, for what Im looking for, the hell if I know. I guess Ill find it when it slaps me in the face! I guess!. Damn will life get better, I sure hope so. But for now, I just keep hangin in there, because that is what everybody wants me to do.

Your NEVER alone!

*HUGS* and Hang in there! and Ill do the same thing!


SacredStarDance

4/7/2006 7:41 am

I'm in tears...Thank you so much.. I know you have a purpose to be here you are meant to be here to share your words and your strength and courage to help others think. attitude is everything..

I have been there.. it hurts like hell and yet I found my heaven. Thanks to people like you

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat


angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
4/7/2006 8:21 am

Cru...your heart is so sweet! Being able to "feel" these feelings today is a blessing. To you and to all of us who are lucky enough to be cared for by you. I'm praying with your friend too....and I know your words will help. I was just thinking that I'm SO counting on you while walking through this upcoming surgery. So I am so glad that sub-consciously you wanted to survive. You have touched my life...and so many others lives here. Please know that we are here for you too.....anytime. ~hugs~


digdug41 50M

4/7/2006 12:43 pm

when I feel these feeling of noyhingness I sometimes look at world as a void and there is no movement there is just nothingness it took a long time to feel anything and I know whatcha mean good post at least I know I am definitely not alone

roaming the cyber streets of blogland


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:03 pm

    Quoting HOTNBOTHERED0414:
    I have been there and I know what your saying. Maybe one day I will tell you about the day I should have died!
I think there are more out there than we realize.


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:06 pm

    Quoting LustyTaurus:
    Wow..that was depressing...lol

    I'm glad you made it through cru...sometimes fuckin something up is a good thing right?

    Thanks for sharing, you will probably help more people than you'll ever know by posting that.

    lustytaurus
If fuckin up something is a good thing, Then I should be king of the world!!! I was hoping to help some, but with what I've heard so far it was more than I could have imagined.


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:13 pm

    Quoting sweetSinn2690:
    cru...this is really touching that you would share such deep privacy with us...I really admire all that is coming out in you, you are such a sweet, caring guy and one day someone will come along to be your equal...because you so deserve it. Everyone should have your attitude and you may not know it, but you are teaching me and probably others that hey...maybe shit ain't so bad...look how he came out. I just want to say thanks for all the sweet things you do and say...~sweet~
I figured on expounding on this post, maybe this weekend. I know there are those out that have had it harder than I, but I want people to know that it is not as bad as it seems. As far as the equal, I hope not, there's all ready a mini-me and if he turns out to be even half of me Look out hell will be filled with ICE


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:15 pm

    Quoting catseyes23:
    That certainly was a read and a half.

    Thanks for sharing that with all of us, Cru. I can only express what Lusty has already said.

    Cats...
Thanks Cats, I know how you feel


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:17 pm

    Quoting Kaliedascope61:
    wow man! i gotta stop by here a heck of alot more often! Great job on your blog, great stories! Even if they sucked going through at time, im glad you made it through to tell your tale.
Lookin back, they weren't that bad. That's the good thing about Hindsight.


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:28 pm

    Quoting powerbella:
    Dearest Cru,

    The most truthful words I ever heard was : "Hope floats..." Living in hope and anticipation of goodness and kindness is faith(to believe with all that is within you and with your whole being in those things we cannot see yet.

    Cru, I must say this, you have emotions! I have been reading your posts for some time now and you are alive in your emotions, you have a beautiful heart and soul. I have learned in this week that even those really bad situations in our lives can be turned into good growing situations. Cru, I believe you to be one of the few people that will also be able to recognise that it is due to grace(unmerited favour) that you are standing.

    You encouraged me this morning tremendously!!! Sometimes we think we are so broken we are not worth anything to anyone, but out of the broken vessels, between all those cracks and holes, living waters flow through barren ground around us and we feed people...

    You are beautiful to me!!!
Hope is a wonderful thing. Thank you for the wonderful words.


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:31 pm

    Quoting rm_yukonpaul:
    I've had a noose around my neck and one step away from ending it too. Those thoughts are mostly gone, thanks to medications and some therapy.

    Thank you for sharing. I know how difficult that is.
Arn't you glad now though? Really, once I started it was not that diff cause I hoped to help others. I am not proud of it, but also I'm not ashamed of it either.


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:32 pm

    Quoting jadedbabe78:
    Wow, I would certainly call that a bad day .

    Thank you for sharing something so personal and deep.

    ~Jadey
Like I said Worst, as long as it helps people it was my pleasure.


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:34 pm

    Quoting mycin62:
    You know once you hit the bottom, the only way to go is up! Hang in there, this too shall pass. Thank you for sharing something so personal and thought provoking.

    Cin
And I have been going up for eleven years


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:36 pm

    Quoting PassionKisses4Me:
    I too have been to that very low point in my life...and hopefully shall never return..thanks for sharing...glad you are still here with us...luv ya...hugs and kisses baby

    Becky
I think with as well as your life is going of late, you shall have no prblems of ever returning.


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:38 pm

    Quoting rm_metalmama69:
    Thank you for this, you will be hearing from me very soon
You are welcome, I was proud to have heard from you. I am here for you.


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:43 pm

    Quoting Efilnikufesin69:
    Your pure willpower and sub-conscious desire to survive pulled you through. Shows just how strong your character really is. Good thing you made it! Thanks for this one chief!
Thank you for your words, They are well recieved. Oh and since I got you here, I know where you got your handle, excellent album. LOL


aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
4/7/2006 3:43 pm

Wow, man! That really puts great perspective on my little problems!


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:49 pm

    Quoting rm_DarknStar:
    WOW Cru...Thanks for sharing your story, and Glad your still here! For some reason it just wasnt your time to go! and that, that good person that lives above us, has a mission for you. Just like he has a mission for us all. I have been there too, I thought, life would be better without ME. Well maybe more along the thoughts that I didnt want to hurt anymore and thoughts of dieing would be Better. Well hell I wouldnt have to feel the pain or the hurt anymore, but hell Im still here!

    Yes I look everyday, for what Im looking for, the hell if I know. I guess Ill find it when it slaps me in the face! I guess!. Damn will life get better, I sure hope so. But for now, I just keep hangin in there, because that is what everybody wants me to do.

    Your NEVER alone!

    *HUGS* and Hang in there! and Ill do the same thing!
I'm with you on this one, I feel my Higer Power does have something great in store for me. What scares me the most now is the fact that when I accomplish what it is that I am supposed to do, WHAT HAPPENS THEN? I'm don't know how long you have just been going through the routine, for me it took years. But this I swear to you, "It does get better Your ost is exactly how I felt my whole life up to that point.


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:51 pm

    Quoting SacredStarDance:
    I'm in tears...Thank you so much.. I know you have a purpose to be here you are meant to be here to share your words and your strength and courage to help others think. attitude is everything..

    I have been there.. it hurts like hell and yet I found my heaven. Thanks to people like you
Sorry, I didn't mean to bring tears to anyone. All I wanted to do was help.


firestarter665 44M/40F

4/7/2006 3:55 pm

It was so nice of you to post this in dedication to a friend.

I have had days where I wanted to end it all, but there was something inside of me that told me that happiness would come. It did, but certian days are still a struggle. The best thing for me to deal with my bouts of depression are my friends and family being my support system (and therapy helped too).

One day at a time.


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:56 pm

    Quoting angelofmercy5:
    Cru...your heart is so sweet! Being able to "feel" these feelings today is a blessing. To you and to all of us who are lucky enough to be cared for by you. I'm praying with your friend too....and I know your words will help. I was just thinking that I'm SO counting on you while walking through this upcoming surgery. So I am so glad that sub-consciously you wanted to survive. You have touched my life...and so many others lives here. Please know that we are here for you too.....anytime. ~hugs~
You always say the sweetest things. I will be there to walk you through your surgery. It is still hard to believe that I have people in my life that do care like every one of you. thank you


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 3:58 pm

    Quoting digdug41:
    when I feel these feeling of noyhingness I sometimes look at world as a void and there is no movement there is just nothingness it took a long time to feel anything and I know whatcha mean good post at least I know I am definitely not alone
I don't think that any of us are truly alone.


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 4:02 pm

    Quoting aascrompn:
    Wow, man! That really puts great perspective on my little problems!
Glad I could help! just kidding, since this I have not had any problems that I could not deal with.


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/7/2006 5:00 pm

    Quoting firestarter665:
    It was so nice of you to post this in dedication to a friend.

    I have had days where I wanted to end it all, but there was something inside of me that told me that happiness would come. It did, but certian days are still a struggle. The best thing for me to deal with my bouts of depression are my friends and family being my support system (and therapy helped too).

    One day at a time.
Thank you for the kind words, Sorry to hear that you are still struggling "One day at a time" is a good way to live a life.


libgemOH 57M/53F

4/8/2006 6:01 am

Cru, I don't know how I missed this post but I'm sure glad I finally caught it!! I've been there too, both with an attempt as well as the best friend of one who succeeded. He committed suicide 5 years ago!!

2 things: 1st, I'm sure glad you fucked that up! Otherwise, I would have never gotten to know you! 2nd, the best test to know if our mission on earth is done; if we wake up, it's not done yet! *BIG HUG* -B


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/8/2006 7:31 am

    Quoting rm_mzhunyhole:
    Blogs like yours brings my world right back to earth with a big thump!..I ain't got no frigging problems.Hang in there Cru{=}.
What do you mean ya got no problems? You're not gettin any, and ya got ants


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/8/2006 8:05 am

    Quoting libgemOH:
    Cru, I don't know how I missed this post but I'm sure glad I finally caught it!! I've been there too, both with an attempt as well as the best friend of one who succeeded. He committed suicide 5 years ago!!

    2 things: 1st, I'm sure glad you fucked that up! Otherwise, I would have never gotten to know you! 2nd, the best test to know if our mission on earth is done; if we wake up, it's not done yet! *BIG HUG* -B
I thought somebody was missin' I'm glad you failed as well as I did. I've had a couple people in my life succcede, but never anyone as close as best friend. This is one time I'm glad to say"I'm a failure! "if we wake up, it's not done yet!" I love it, not so much to worry bout


SacredStarDance

4/8/2006 8:50 am

It did help.... the tears were happy tears

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
4/8/2006 10:19 am

I was just tryin to be facetious, But I'm glad they were happy tears.


twirly_girl 48F

5/19/2006 7:54 pm

Well, you KNOW how glad I am that it didn't work.
I had read this before and never commented basically
because I hadn't ever posted on your blog at that point.
LOL
I too spent a long part of my life feeling nothing.
It's kinda nice now to be able to feel so many things,
both good and bad. Mostly good though.


-Nikki


rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
5/20/2006 12:22 am

    Quoting twirly_girl:
    Well, you KNOW how glad I am that it didn't work.
    I had read this before and never commented basically
    because I hadn't ever posted on your blog at that point.
    LOL
    I too spent a long part of my life feeling nothing.
    It's kinda nice now to be able to feel so many things,
    both good and bad. Mostly good though.

I am so very glad too. but you should have posted I had lot's of first timers. Good and bad are both wonderful feelings now.


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