A Start ...continued  

complexlysimple 35M
894 posts
6/15/2006 7:58 pm

Last Read:
12/16/2006 8:03 pm

A Start ...continued


I've managed to get my emotions back under control ... so I will continue.

Here is the start. Read it first. A Start

***************

In writing I realized that this may be incredibly painful for some ..the only reason I've been able to continue is because I'm omitting specific memories ... so should you read this and feel pained ...all I can say is: I'm sorry, I do not wish to harm you with my thoughts.

***************

I remember now my great grandmother died before I was 6 ... I think it may have actually been when I was 4 just a few months after my brother was born ...either way ....

I remember being jealous of my younger brother ...at least until the point where I had casued him to fall of a swing knocking out his two front teeth ...baby teeth.. losing his teeth may have slowed down his learning to talk .. I don't know, either way he spent much of his childhood in therapy for speech and have test after test after test run on him ..the medical community still has no fucking understanding of him ...thankfully he is starting to live a normal life now ...no therapy, no doctors ... some counseling for education ...he started school a year younger than I did... which may have made a huge difference because even when I started I started in remedial(?) reading courses....

Anyway that was pretty much the way things were ... he was taken from doctor to doctor ... I was more or less ignored and expected to "grow up" and help take care of my little brother...

My second brother was born when I was 7 ... after that I don't remember getting much attention at all unless it was either being told to do something, getting yelled at for doing something wrong, getting yelled at for them doing something wrong - I was told I was the older brother and I was supposed to be setting a "good" example ...occasionally there was a spanking in there instead of being yelled at ..thankfully .. and I say thankfully because while the spankings did hurt ..being yelled at was worse ..imagine a movie drill sergeant ...except instead of giving you time to answer, it was question after question , after question without giving a chance to answer and cutting you off if you did try ...following you if you tried to get away, backing you into a corner and getting in your face ..when you're less than half the size they are... I preffered being spanked ..there was more than once that I wished I had been spanked instead of being yelled at....

Oh and while this is going on, imagine waking up in the middle of the night because your parents are screaming at each other over finances ...among other things ..and imagine feeling like this is all your fault ....them yelling at each other, your younger brothers' problems - behavioural and health.

There were a few times where they started screaming at each other during the day and I tried to get them to stop because they were scaring my younger brothers as well as me ...the times I did, I would just yelled at too ..by either one or both of them ... then of course there were also the numerous times where they would start one of their screaming matches and then turn to ask us who we wanted to live with because they were getting a divorce ... I can't even begin to count the number of times that happened ... actually I wish they would have, it might have made life more bearable....

The years passed me basically having to grow up and watch over my brothers teaching them to more or less just tune out our parents arguing... the only time I really remember getting much in the way of attention was like I said earlier when I fucked up, my brothers fucked up or there was something that need to be done... I know there were other times that I got attention ... I just don't really remember them...

This is about the way my life went until I got to junior high ...which reminds me besides all this crap I had to deal with from my parents .. there was an ever changing group of friends ...it was never the same from one year to the next ...friends one year tormentors the next... I also had my cousin who found more than a litle fun in beating me up ... yep, I've had my head implanted in more than a couple snow banks - pulling icy snow plugs out of your ears isn't fun -

Anyway by the time I got to junior high my self esteem was pretty much shot to shit. Fortunately I had played a little flag football in grade school and ended up playing football there ..which is what more or less helped turn my life around ...that cousin that had been burying my head in the snow banks? he's actually the one that started me in weight training when I was 14(?) ..the summer between 7th and 8th grade.... this is what stopped the tormenting from my peers .. I had gotten smarter over the years - I think I've told that story here already ...about realizing in first grade that if I wanted to succeed I'd have to do it my self - so the only thing they really had to torment me about was that I was slow ..they could insult me and run away with ease. That changed in 8th grade when after having spent the summer lifting working mostly my legs because I could do so without a spotter. In gym class that fall when they had us run 50 yard dashes ... I actually ended up being one of the faster kids in the class... this had some ups and downs to it though ..it meant a lot less tormenting, but more kids trying to pick fights..which I dare not get involved in because I knew I would get yelled at if I got in trouble...

Freshman and sophmore year in high school where mostly me studying and working out trying and being pushed to be the best I could ... also when I was the most suicidal ... I don't mean occasionally but almost daily I was either thinking of killing myself or wishing I was dead... I think that the only thing that really kept me from doing so was that I could not figure out how to dispose of my body after I was dead .. I didn't want to waste anyone's time disposing of my worthless corpse.... on an upside there were days that were better than others being on the football team helped ..it gave me a focus and a sense of belonging... also in this time of my life I felt tremdous amounts of anger toward nearly everyone and everything ... I had gained strength, intelligence ...in a way I was almost god-like stonger than most seniors - I was the first sophmore playing football to bench press 300lbs, clean 225lbs and squat 375lbs since they had started a board to keep track of lifting achievements a few years earlier. I was also near the top of my class academically .... so while I knew I wasn't truly a god I also knew that there were (are) precious few people who can match me mentally or physically ... even fewer that can do both ...and as far as I'm concerned that's not opinion or bravado that's fact ..if you think you can disprove it be my guest, I would welcome being wrong.

But the anger I felt I contained and hid because I knew it would get me into trouble... I think this may have been about the time school shootings started happening ...my opinion on them? Morons ..they complain about not having anyone, yet they don't see that have/had each other...

It wasn't until I got a car and was playing on the varsity football team that I really started to mellow out .... by this time mostly due to football I had a fairly consistant group of "friends" mostly teammates that I really only saw at school or when doing something team related ...after a while that changed ...occasionally after I started being the designated driver ... I drove they got drunk ..sickeningly drunk ...there was more than one time that I was washing my car off at 3am... my parents had backed off a bit once I had started playing football even more when I was playing at varsity level ..they still argued with each other but by that time me and my brothers had more or less become completely desensitized to it ...kind of hard not to considering it was a fairly common occurance..

When I graduated high school it was with honors and knowing that I was going to college ... finally getting away from my parents house ...almost the Three Days Grace song "Home" - "..this house is not a home..."

When I got to college -what the heck I'm not there any more - in Rolla, Missouri it was like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. My freshman year I started with a roommate ...he joined a frat withing the first few weeks which meant I had a room to myself ...not a bad thing per se, but it meant I spent a lot of time alone ... enough that by Thanksgiving I had more or less forgotten how to talk ...it wasn't that I didn't want to I just couldn't ...my freshman year my parents (...more my mom's decision I'd think) flew me home three times Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter/springbreak. The second half of the year was a bit better I had started to drift into a group of friends. I went home that summer going back to Missouri again in the fall ..this time to a place where I had a job, some friends and was starting to learn to actually enjoy life ...which reminds me I had had the job as a freshman ..working with the campus police ..my first real job actually ... the downside was it also meant that there were more than a few nights were I'd come back to a cold dark dorm room soaking wet from having spent the night walking around in the rain ...later when I move into dispatching it also meant having to deal with deaths, asaults, theft, miscellaneous complaints, alarms ..including one on a research use nuclear reactor ..basically a bunch of fun crap ...thankfully I had gotten off an hour before one of my friends had been hauled to the emergency room for alcohol posioning (he survived) ..but I am glad I didn't have to be the one to call his parents as an school official... the deaths and serious accidents were .."unpleasant" aspects of the job... but I did it well...

Anyway back to sophmore year, I went home only a couple of times that year summer and Christmas ... I can't say that I really cared Rolla was more of a "home" than I had ever really felt as a junior and senior in college the only time I went home was over Christmas break ...and that was a "whatever." Junior year also found me my first "love" which really blew me away ..someone might really care about me ..granted she was about 100 miles away but she cared and we could talk ...unfortunately I ended up scaring her, since she was living with an abusive ex, which drove me nuts, so between that and her wanting to "understand" me I shared more of my life's memories than she was ready for ...and she threw me out of her life ... 100 miles away, living with an abusive ex-boyfriend and I'm the monster ... the day that happened was the first time in my life that I took time to myself and missed a class ..it was the one that I had that afternoon ... I also ended up visiting the school shrink that day ..probably the only reason why I decided not to go to class - I had never taken time off to "heal" ..... I couldn't I was almost always being hurt for me the standing thing was to pick up the pieces and continue on my way ...no complaints ... which also means former MN Gov. Jesse Ventura's book title "I ain't Got Time to Bleed" makes me laugh ...bleed? whatever. I don't have time to complain or write a book about it... ..though I might be now

No, her being in my life really opened my eyes in so many ways even though I never got to see her or touch her and she still means a lot to me - I wish her no ill will .. I can't. So when we parted ways it hit me hard plunging me back to the suicidal thoughts I had gotten away from ... but I let the professor kow that I wasn't going to be in class that day... I showed up for my class the next morning though I'm not sure how much I remember ... it probably wasn't worth going, but I did. I also traded my work shifts that weekend since I knew there was no way I could keep enough self control to work an 8 hr shift in dispatch.

To shorten this up a bit I again graduated with honors and had my faculty advisor suggest I move onto get a master's degree, but I didn't because I felt a need to leave and I realized that I need to learn how to live and actually enjoy life...

I left college and not having a job moved back in with my parents ... here I can move a bit faster since much is in The last year ...except that when working in the warehouse there were days that I'd be walking around the floor soundlessly crying realizing that for all intents and purposes I am nearly without friends, family, future, hope ..essentially am nothing but a machine and a monster... I have never been able to fully share my life and am not sure that I will be able to ..even though I'd like to. My mind has been openned to the fact that it might be possible to find someone who can love me, it doubts that I ever really will ...how can someone love a machine?

So now I here I sit having shared this tale, hoping I have not caused pain, knowing I probably have ...and I am cloaked in what I know to be true ...

I am nothing and I deserve nothing

...but I will be thankful for whatever I am given, and I know others may have had rougher lives than I and I am ashamed to make noise about what my life has been like... for it is nothing

But that is from where I draw my strength, my thoughts, my ideas from nothing....

For I am nothing and I reside in chaos ...the true abyss of nothingness ...

I will not ask anyone to stand beside if they do not wish to, if anyone wishes to leave me to my ..nothing I will understand for again ...in the end I am nothing ....though "nothing" can have some rather interesting things within it

Again I am sorry for any pain this may have caused, but if someone wishes to truly be part of my life I think this is something that needs to be known ..and know if you have read this and remain in my life you are the reason for my happiness, the reason for my joy, the reason I continue to live.... {=}

And to those who wish harm to others: Beware for in the end the "nothingness" may catch up with you and you may very well wish for a death you know you don't deserve...

BaronessK 53F

6/16/2006 8:02 am

I debated with myself on whether to respond. It seems, somewhere, there is a message {or multitude of messages} for someone {who is not me}. But...

You are NOT 'nothing'; you DO deserve 'things' {happiness, love, a sense of belonging, and so many other 'things'}. It does not matter, individually, that 'others' have had 'rougher' or even 'better' lives than you. I, myself, went through much of what you did {and some things you didn't, as well as some I didn't that you did}...BUT...I was given strength, mentally, to deal with these 'things'. For every talent we are given, it is balanced out with something we are 'terrible' at; for every gift there is a 'balancing' factor.

We can sympathize and empathize with others...but their pain is not ours nor is our pain their pain. I 'feel' others pain through my own experiences; yes, that small voice says, "There but for the grace of God...." or reminds me {louder} that I have indeed walked through those same Halls of Hell.

You mention, time and time again, 'nothing'...but that is akin to saying that a Black Hole is 'nothing'. Even a 'Void' is not 'nothing'. Who are you to say that what you just said will not affect someone else? Who am I to say that as well? No one has a way of KNOWING. Who are we to say that what we do {or do not do} will or will not affect someone or something else? No matter how 'alone' we, as human beings, are...we affect and are affected by the whole of humanity and a collected consciousness.

YOU are the reason for your happiness, the reason for your joy, and the reason you continue to live...it is YOUR perceptions, YOUR feelings, YOUR humanity that allows you to feel your pain and your empathy and your sympathy towards other human beings in their own struggles. It is YOU that allows you to Love and to Live. No soul burns {lives} exactly the same; and when a soul goes, we as a collective humanity are made the poorer for the loss. In that, it is NOT about 'you'...it is about who you would leave behind if you went...and others' lives that would be irreparably changed by you not being in their life.


complexlysimple replies on 6/16/2006 3:54 pm:
Exactly .....some of the very same thoughts crossed my mind after I finished writing ....I find a certain beauty to paradoxes/conundrums -that how I veiw reality/life: as a paradox (or series of paradoxes and how we navigate those paradoxes more or less defines (and does not define) who we are...

...so from where I sit what you said and what I said are just about the same thing ...just from different viewpoints ... nothing=everything so to speak ...much like love and hate are just opposite sides of the same coin .... there is very much a balance factor at play ...

As for me being happy ..I've gotten myself to the point where my happiness is very much dependant on those I care about ...and when they hurt I may feel pain as well just from seeing them in pain ...it can be difficult at times ...but it's something I've more or less chosen to do...

I guess I should also add that I'm not "perfectly" nothing/everything ...that would(& wouldn't) be how I define "God"

Confused yet? ...doubt it ... ...thank you for responding though I wasn't sure that anyone would actually take the time to read it...

BaronessK 53F

6/16/2006 9:42 pm

That is your burden, of late...to be found fascinatingly complexedly simple....


complexlysimple replies on 6/17/2006 8:18 am:
seems that's going to be a life long 'burden'

GoddessOfTheDawn 106F
11240 posts
6/17/2006 4:01 pm


tho I'm not anyone I read it, and re-read it, and I still don't really know how to comment. But I do echo Baroness' statement that you aren't nothing and deserve much more than nothingness

survival can be a bitch just as much as life....


complexlysimple replies on 6/18/2006 8:02 pm:
of course you're not anyone ...your someone - your GoddessOfTheDawn ... though I know that's not all of who you are - I don't/can't know all of who you are any more than I can know all of who I am ...

But as for being nothing ...the thought has crossed my mind -more than once- that sometimes nothing=everything .... the mythology behind 'Chaos' for example -an abyss/ gaping void from which everything came - interesting stuff

Become a member to create a blog