Still Standing  

clevergirl4U 59F
1461 posts
8/28/2006 12:38 pm

Last Read:
9/4/2006 5:59 am

Still Standing

The week before Katrina I ended what was to be my last romantic/sexual relationship to date. Then Katrina came in a blew my life apart, along with hundreds of thousands of people in Louisiana and Mississippi. A few months later, I was undergoing chemo for the ovarian cancer that wasn't in remission, after all. My one child, my 16 year-old son, had a psychotic breakdown. It came from out of the blue, and we still aren't clear on what happened.

It has been a traumatic year.

But, we are still standing.

A site friend wrote this and sent it to me last week:

Today before sunset
we were blessed with a beautiful thunderstorm.
As the sun set,
The sky to the west cleared.
It shone with a blue that could exist
only once,
And only for a moment.
The air was filled with the scent of
rebirth and healing.
I was unaware that my soul yearned
for this moment
Until it was over.
The west facing trees stood tall and unafraid.

Peace to you
as you journey to healing and rebirth.
Meet you there.


His poem reflects my sense of being purged, washed clean and renewed by this past year.

When I look back on that failed pre-Katrina relationship, I wonder what WAS I thinking?! He is NOTHING like the man I would choose to have in my life today. My priorites and what really matters are new and different.

Katrina...a post unto itself. I'll just say that I've discovered strengths in myself that I never knew I had. I know there is not much that could happen that I wouldn't be able to survive.

The house is still broken in places. It will never be the house it was. In the beginning of recovery, I struggled, and stamped my foot and yelled at people. I wanted everything fixed and restored to pre-Katrina. Ha! Not possible. Now I smile at that thought and I imagine that I'm living in a battle scarred veteran.

There is nothing like a serious illness and chemo-sickness to distill what matters to the essentials. They tell me it is terminal. I tell them we are all terminal.

I've changed my lifestyle completely, as a result of the illness. I'm a vegan, herb-growing, medicinal tea-drinking person who meditates daily and uses the mantra "Every act a loving act."

My son is happy and we are happier as a family. My son jokes that even the dogs are happier We are in family therapy. He's doing well. I'm learning to "let go" and choose my battles with him.

Lest you think I'm a Pollyanna, I have had dark, dark moments of depression over this past year. I have felt like giving up at times. All that works for me is to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I find I have more good days than bad.

I think that what we think of as "terrible, earth-shattering events" are in truth the things that strip us bare, purge us, cleanse us, and if we are able to rise to the challenge, renew us. And you?


HartBreaker58298 59F

8/28/2006 1:00 pm

WOW you have touched my hart hang in there and like you said takeone day at a time live you rlife like you wouldn;t live it before and be happy look out for number 1 and your self.
Jan


rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
8/28/2006 11:40 pm

I wish I could see the big picture template of us all. So many of us have had one helluva journey over the past year. It's as though we came together here, as a little assist, to get us up over that wall.

Odd, yeah?

oh, and I really loved this post

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


kyplowboy22 62M

8/29/2006 5:09 am

"I have had dark, dark moments of depression over this past year. I have felt like giving up at times. All that works for me is to put one foot in front of the other and move forward."

And that is what makes you the tender, small and quiet, raging warrior that I have come to know and admire so. What an inspiring breath of air you are, kid, in a world that snivels in its own stench. And I am proud to number you among the few I call friend.

kpb


clevergirl4U 59F

8/29/2006 3:06 pm

    Quoting HartBreaker58298:
    WOW you have touched my hart hang in there and like you said takeone day at a time live you rlife like you wouldn;t live it before and be happy look out for number 1 and your self.
    Jan
Yep...one day at a time is all any of us have Thanks for visiting


clevergirl4U 59F

8/29/2006 3:22 pm

    Quoting humboldthonni:
    This is an eloquent message. Why should we think we are above nature which renews itself in the cycle of birth and death. I think we push away our fears that but this is the brutal truth. To live with it takes courage.

    I picture you as an oak now, with younger oaks aroud you. Standing firm and tall, vigilant in your strength. Renew.
I was never one of those people who is terrified by death. To be honest, I lived so "on the edge" in my 20's that it really is an unexpected gift to find myself still alive and approaching 50!

Katrina taught me that death and destruction can come out of nowhere fast, and it's random. There is no point in asking the question "Why me?"

Katrina taught me to simply roll up my sleeves and move forward. It was a good reminder to have, just prior to the cancer diagnosis.

Thanks for the good words, honni


clevergirl4U 59F

8/29/2006 3:27 pm

    Quoting rm_1hotwahine:
    I wish I could see the big picture template of us all. So many of us have had one helluva journey over the past year. It's as though we came together here, as a little assist, to get us up over that wall.

    Odd, yeah?

    oh, and I really loved this post
Yeah...but I only saw that as I marked the anniversary and thought about the past year as one organic unit. We did come together here. And now many of us are moving on to other places...another leg of the journey. I'll see you over there sometime soon...


clevergirl4U 59F

8/29/2006 3:29 pm

    Quoting kyplowboy22:
    "I have had dark, dark moments of depression over this past year. I have felt like giving up at times. All that works for me is to put one foot in front of the other and move forward."

    And that is what makes you the tender, small and quiet, raging warrior that I have come to know and admire so. What an inspiring breath of air you are, kid, in a world that snivels in its own stench. And I am proud to number you among the few I call friend.

    kpb
Your words give me strength, kpb, and I number you in my small group of friends, too


clevergirl4U 59F

8/29/2006 3:34 pm

    Quoting rm_flyaway1012:
    A beautiful touching post. I admire your strengths. I would love to know you better, if you ever need another person to call friend, let me know, I would be honored. Bless you and yours....
    flyaway
I would love to get to know you better I'll try and come by your blog more often. As kpb will tell you, I'm not online that much these days. Hope you will be patient until I have more time and energy to reach out


rm_titsandtires 52M/42F
3656 posts
9/1/2006 8:24 pm

"If you're going through hell, keep going..."

Winston Churchill


rm_lonedad1962 55M
1 post
9/3/2006 3:58 pm

clevergirl ,with out a dought you are a special woman inside and out ..i know sometimes itseams like it would be so easy to just give up ,but your baby will alway love and need you..i had a heart attack last year out of the blue,right aftermy wife of 1 yr. started fouling around onme and i moved out in feb ,but we kept trying ,or i kept trying ..we called it over the end of march,she moved him in april..all i wanted was to die ,but i couldnt give up ,we have a 2 yr old that is my life now..so when i get realy down and just want to give up i think of my baby girl ,her name is Katarina ,but we call her Kat..so dont ever give up ..life is only what you make of it ...take care... paul.....


clevergirl4U 59F

9/4/2006 5:45 am

    Quoting rm_titsandtires:
    "If you're going through hell, keep going..."

    Winston Churchill
I like that


clevergirl4U 59F

9/4/2006 5:59 am

    Quoting rm_lonedad1962:
    clevergirl ,with out a dought you are a special woman inside and out ..i know sometimes itseams like it would be so easy to just give up ,but your baby will alway love and need you..i had a heart attack last year out of the blue,right aftermy wife of 1 yr. started fouling around onme and i moved out in feb ,but we kept trying ,or i kept trying ..we called it over the end of march,she moved him in april..all i wanted was to die ,but i couldnt give up ,we have a 2 yr old that is my life now..so when i get realy down and just want to give up i think of my baby girl ,her name is Katarina ,but we call her Kat..so dont ever give up ..life is only what you make of it ...take care... paul.....
You had a VERY difficult year yourself! But you are "still standing", too

Our children DO need us, even into adulthood. Now that he is a young man, he doesn't need my constant care. But he still asks for my advice (occasionally, when he is pretty darned desperate...ha), loves to have me on the bleachers for his games, and making sushi for his friends before they head out to a movie. I know what deep pain it would cause him to lose me, so he certainly motivates me to be well

Good luck to you on your journey


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