In Defense of the Married Man Re-Visited  

clevergirl4U 59F
1461 posts
3/16/2006 9:33 am

Last Read:
3/28/2007 11:21 am

In Defense of the Married Man Re-Visited


This is NOT the blog that I had planned on writing. And this is NOT a position I had EVER imagined myself defending! I had planned on a "tongue in-cheek-smart-ass-funny" Top Ten List about married men, prompted by another blog that I read. But as I worked on this blog, I knew that my list wasn’t honest... it didn’t ring true to my own experience. And so.... I find myself defending what most of society easily finds indefensible...the married man who seeks sexual intimacy outside of marriage.

OK...not EVERY married man.

I am NOT defending married men who lie about being married. I am NOT defending married men who lie about their expectations for an extra-marital affair. I am NOT defending married men who addictively seek out one night stands, or multiple/ concurrent partners. But I WILL DEFEND the married man who talks honestly about his situation and his expectations and seeks out a compassionate friend with whom to share sexual intimacy.

Sometimes honorable men find themselves in sexless marriages.

Would it be better for him to abandon wife and family for a better SEX life? Many of these men have been in long-term marriages and consider their wives very good friends. They made a promise to this woman that they are trying to keep. Apart from sex, life at home is good.

WITH HIS PERMISSION norprin5

does it have to be love?

i know, it’s love that you’re looking for…

and i do love you

really, i do

but i won’t leave her for you

for anyone

you are a fantasy

a scene in a play

a dream from which i must eventually wake

she is my air

my water

my fire

without you

i am lonely

without her

i am nothing

© norprin5 2006

He conveys the idea much more beautifully than I ever could.

Many wives know exactly what is going on. It is an unspoken agreement between husband and wife.

I know this to be true from personal experience. Liaisons are exposed and the wives do nothing. Two or three liasons are exposed over the years and they do nothing. Could I live like that? NO. But I am NOT living their lives, or walking in their shoes. Living my OWN life is more than enough challenge for me. And she is not your “sister”...she is just one more person on the planet trying to find her way, and if you met her you might find that you have NOTHING in common. (And I can say this, inspite of my undergraduate degree in Gender Studies.)

Women involved with married men are only victims if they CHOOSE to be.

People lie. Each of us needs to develop our “bullshit detector.” Along with “trusting our gut,” it is an essential life skill. I am 47, and at this point in my life, I don’t think that there is a man on the planet who could lie to me and get away with it for very long. No one COERCES a woman into a liaison with a married man...women CHOOSE and need to take responsibility for their own choices. In these types of liaisons, a woman needs to set her own boundaries... “I want THIS, but not THAT.” He is LUCKY to have found a woman who is both willing and who desires this limited kind of relationship, girl. YOU have the power to define the relationship any way that you want, and let him take it or leave it.

By now you probably know that...

I have experience with the married man. I wouldn’t take back one minute of that experience, which was both painful and joyful. Like any other meaningful human interaction, I learned SO MUCH about myself.But I seriously doubt that I would ever get sexually involved with a married man again... as FreeLove noted in her blog that inspired this, “They are in a hurry to get home...” (such a brilliant and bottom-line observation!.)

liquidiamond 31F

3/16/2006 11:12 am

Thankyou for stopping by my blog. I enjoyed reading yours, but i don't want to respond quite yet cause this is one thats making me think (thats when you know its good )


norprin5 56M

3/16/2006 11:32 am

well said, well written.

by the way, just in case you got the wrong idea from the poem...i am not in a 'sexless' marriage; my sex life with my queen is very good, as a matter of fact. my reasons for being here are varied and complex, and have changed since i began blogging. if you wander around my blog for a while, you'll see what i mean.

but i see what you mean about the poem fitting your post. thanks for spreading me around a little

King Nor XVIII


angelgrrl 49F

3/16/2006 7:24 pm

Excellent post. This also can apply to married women. There are often many many reasons to stay.


rm_itsme20069 62M
1 post
3/17/2006 9:36 am

how did u find out about me? u've just told my story....thanks for not being judgemental!


cumuwill3x 57M

3/17/2006 2:12 pm

Dear clevergirl4u:

Thank you very much for putting my situation on paper(in print). Your words and thoughts hit right on the top of the nail. Now do one on women who just look at a man and decide if they are going to sleep with him or not before they ever take the time to get to know the man. He may not be the best looking thing in the world or area, but he may well best the most caring, thoughtful and attentive person she is ever going to meet. Ladies as the old saying puts it
"Don't judge a book by it's cover.

THANKS AGAIN clevergirl, you have a beutiful way with words. If you ever want to talk let me know. I have two good ears.


clevergirl4U 59F

3/17/2006 2:55 pm

    Quoting rm_itsme20069:
    how did u find out about me? u've just told my story....thanks for not being judgemental!
Thanks so much for visiting!!! I'm honored that you chose this post as your entree into Blogland. Norprin's poem added MUCH to my prose. I enjoy speaking up for those considered indefensible by the morally righteous. Life is just never that black and white....


clevergirl4U 59F

3/17/2006 2:58 pm

    Quoting angelgrrl:
    Excellent post. This also can apply to married women. There are often many many reasons to stay.
Yes...if I tweaked the reasons for staying just a little, I could submit the exact same post defending the married woman...great idea!
Now...to find the female poet to enrich the prose!


clevergirl4U 59F

3/17/2006 3:03 pm

    Quoting cumuwill3x:
    Dear clevergirl4u:

    Thank you very much for putting my situation on paper(in print). Your words and thoughts hit right on the top of the nail. Now do one on women who just look at a man and decide if they are going to sleep with him or not before they ever take the time to get to know the man. He may not be the best looking thing in the world or area, but he may well best the most caring, thoughtful and attentive person she is ever going to meet. Ladies as the old saying puts it
    "Don't judge a book by it's cover.

    THANKS AGAIN clevergirl, you have a beutiful way with words. If you ever want to talk let me know. I have two good ears.
You are very sweet, and THANK YOU for just the inspiration I need!11 Maybe I will call it "Dog-eared Cover, But a Great Read." Look for it in the next couple of days. Will you be my muse?


rm_Smile_My_Way 60M
1519 posts
3/19/2006 3:53 am

Very well written. This is what I would tell people about my marriage if I could. I would like to leave a link on my blog for others to come here and read your wisdom.


rm_PurryKitty2 49M/51F
9753 posts
3/19/2006 5:34 am

This is always so confusing. However, I honestly think if a man is in a sexless marriage, there is a reason and the couple should be discussing it. If they cant have sex then they should be honest saying they NEED to get it elsewhere. If the other person cant understand then they should suggest alternatives such as vibrators, etc.....how about inviting the other person over?????

Purry {=}

Purry


clevergirl4U 59F

3/19/2006 8:10 pm

    Quoting rm_itsme20069:
    how did u find out about me? u've just told my story....thanks for not being judgemental!
I live in a very big glass house


clevergirl4U 59F

3/19/2006 8:19 pm

    Quoting rm_PurryKitty2:
    This is always so confusing. However, I honestly think if a man is in a sexless marriage, there is a reason and the couple should be discussing it. If they cant have sex then they should be honest saying they NEED to get it elsewhere. If the other person cant understand then they should suggest alternatives such as vibrators, etc.....how about inviting the other person over?????

    Purry {=}
Yes...I agree...it IS very complicated, and every marriage is different. Sometimes, wives feel guilty over not providing what the relationship needs, and perhaps turns a blind eye when the husband goes elsewhere. Not many couples are open enough to bring a third person into the home, I'm afraid Both husband and wife may be avoiding the 800 lb. elephant in the room, because if they DISCUSS it, they may have to make changes that neither wants to make. I think that "going outside the home" may be a "solution of last resort" for many husbands.


clevergirl4U 59F

3/19/2006 8:21 pm

    Quoting rm_Smile_My_Way:
    Very well written. This is what I would tell people about my marriage if I could. I would like to leave a link on my blog for others to come here and read your wisdom.
Thanks...credit goes to Norprin and his poetic male perspective, too.


rm_Keystone3812 66M
583 posts
3/31/2006 12:39 pm

Great post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


rm_wolddawg2 65M
2 posts
8/6/2006 8:59 am

very true!!! and well written to the point and facts. but believe it or not its tough for us average guys who are shy to find the extra,


rm_cottage50 65M
1 post
11/14/2006 2:47 pm

Very nice post...you are right on target...now I just need to find that understanding person...


IMJP37 55M

2/3/2007 7:59 pm

Well hey- as you say some of us are honest decent men with our own reaons. Mine is a chronically ill wife that has told me to go have fun, just to sdtay healthy and always come home at some point to watch bad movies on the couch with her. And not to rub it in her face.

This has been going on for a very very long time, and I have been good- up until now. In which I now plan on being very very good in different ways.

But I can understand that most mnarried men are just cheating to rack up the score. And what does that say about their personality?


JollyNannyWheel 60M

2/26/2007 2:52 am

Good post,
I hate to do this because I think I may out myself, sooner. First let me say that all my contacts are not for ending in sex, many of them are no way situations. I just like talking to the women. They apparently must not read profiles too good either, or else they lie on their own profile when they say, married, attached, prefer not to say don't bother. When I see they don't seem to care, I don't know which of the aforementioned it is!! Then I don't want to bring it up cause I'm having a good time. I justify this by saying, hey it was right there for you to read, because I have had some go ballistic. but some don't and are just content to chat. But the ballistic ones sure put me in a funk for a while. It's almost as if none of it is worth while. BTW A few on this site know my story and I'll just say it is a little more compelling than your average story. And I do not tell tales!! If the truth isn't ok with you, Fine by me


rm_Nimrod2154 63M
15888 posts
3/24/2007 6:01 pm

Great Post, Thank You. I am in a similar situation as norprin5. I have not had sex with another other person yet. I haven't had sex in over 6 yrs now. I just join this site in Jan. 2007 and starting blogging in Feb. I spend more time blogging now. I am honest in my profile about being married and wife not knowing. A lot of people have a problem with that and I can respect them for that. I haven't met anyone from this site face-to-face yet. I wonder if I should be looking since I haven't found anyone yet.

Thanks again for you words. They have help.

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