clcm1606 39T
1 posts
7/22/2006 8:05 am

I'm trying to change.

I'm here on AdultFriendFinder, indirectly, because of two of my ex-girlfriends. We'll call them C. and J., because that's enough to differentiate them.

I recently (within the past few weeks) ended a two-month relationship with C. I met C. through a competing personal ad site, and we hit it off very well at first, and things quickly dwindled. I recognized this as a pattern in my relationships. I tend to confuse infatuation with love. AND, I become very easily infatuated -- mainly because I have a low self-esteem, but I'm working on that. If a girl would give me the time of day, I was hers, pretty much. I'm trying hard not to be that way.

Such was the case with C. I figured out that we didn't have much in common after all, however, she was firmly entrenched with me because I'd stupidly dropped the "L" word somewhere in there. That's another problem I have.

Enter the other ex-girlfriend, J. J. and I met in 2001, again through a personal ad service. J. is the only one of my ex-girlfriends that I can say I've been in love with, and mean it. We dated for 2 1/2 years. However, she was my first sex partner. Prior to her, I'd actually found sex to be kind of disgusting, and wondered why people could ever want it (I had this opinion at age 22!). I look back on me then, and I laugh.

On the other hand, J's prior sex history intimidated me. She'd been with several men and women. She was great, and helped me out a lot in terms of getting over my disgust, and was very patient with me. Over the course of the relationship, I became absolutely convinced she was cheating on me, because I was a newbie to sex and therefore couldn't possibly be satisfying her, a "woman of the world," so to speak. This ate away at our relationship, and eventually, we broke up. It's far more than that which caused the relationship to fail -- but if I were to analyze it fully, I'd have a small book on my hands, and this is a blog.

J. and I were both in a lot of pain, and didn't really speak to each other, other than to exchange some quite nasty words with each other. Eventually we didn't talk to each other at all. When we broke up, I found out two things that really bothered me: She said she'd wanted to sleep with me on the night we first met, and it bothered her that she had to coach me into it for 3 months. The second thing, was that she was only pretending to be comfortable with me being trans, and it kind of bothered her when I brought "her" into the bedroom with us. (Well, she should have said so, one, and two, this confused me because she said she was bisexual.)

In the ensuing years, I had two other relationships, neither of which were very good. I was then single for a period of about seven months. I tried another personal ad service, but found whenever I got close to someone and revealed my "secret" about trans-ness, they ran away and never spoke to me again. So I joined another personal ad service, and this time presented myself as a gay female, and came right out about who I was and my body. This, I figured, would weed out the people who were uncomfortable with it. C. thought I was actually female until the day we met (I am male in public), which just indicates that she didn't bother to read my profile, but whatever.

While I was on that ad service where I eventually found C., J. and I began talking again, and we patched up our differences. We ended up in bed together. This was another first for me. I'd never even considered sleeping with someone who wasn't my girlfriend. But it was pretty wonderful. We had all the great stuff of our relationship without the crap of actually being in a relationship. It stopped once I started dating C., because we agreed it was not good to cheat, but J. and I remain good friends, and I feel I can tell her anything.

J. said she would sleep with me again if I broke up with C. This was not why I broke up, and was on the table for months, so I took it under advisement. However, my timing of this break up was poor, as J. is moving to another area, and I'll have to go visit her there.

We did see each other, and have a discussion. It seems that she can just hop into bed with anyone she wants, whereas I don't have a foggy clue how to meet people, and breach that subject. We agreed it was probably because it's easier for women to get sex like that than it is for men, since horny men outnumber horny women by a long shot. And, looking at how much I enjoyed the FWB with J, (and hopefully will still enjoy it whenever we visit each other), I'm here at AdultFriendFinder. Because I really can't deal with the crap of a full-blown relationship at this point in my life, and I'd just like a few local, good FWBs, and to broaden my sexual experience.

I'm not sure what I'll find, and I haven't had much luck thus far, but I haven't even been on AdultFriendFinder for a week. I'm also not sure how much I'll write in here, because I have a journal on another site -- however, I don't really write about sex in that one, so who knows.

I'm supposed to meet a friend for lunch in an hour, and the place where we're supposed to meet is an hour away, and I haven't showered. So I need to get my arse in gear here. Ciao for now.

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