wake up call  

charmedlulu 61F
78 posts
4/5/2006 5:25 am

Last Read:
4/29/2006 6:11 am

wake up call

....I had to take a few days off, away from the pc...writing this blog, has been very cathartic for me, but it is only the beginning, I now need to heal. Fortunately, it has made me sick, physically, made me sick to write what happened, and the fact that I didn’t have enough sense to get out of it. It has made me think good and hard, about myself, my wants, my desires, my dreams, what indeed I am searching for. When I look back, and see how twisted everything was...I was always accused of truly what he was doing...chaos is important to his kind, I realize that now. It was necessary to keep me confused, only when I would have distance, would I begin to see things clearly. I will never understand it totally I am sure. ...Was it worth it? I guess it was, Yes, because of the lessons learned that bring one to a better understanding of the whole. I experienced a “major wake up call.” I am lucky to be able to tell my story, I survived some of the most tumultuous waters of life, that one can. I believe we all are in places in our life that are meant to be...I believe right now, I am where I am, so I can take the time to heal. Last week, I took a big step, in going for HIV and Hepatitis screening. It saddens me, that anyone, can say I am clean, and disease free, and we buy it. What is the proof...I didn’t ask for the proof, and now, I come to recognize, that I don’t believe he has ever even had himself tested, he couldn’t even pass his own drug screen, did that under false pretenses...and as for his other mate...I doubt very much she has either, yet she chose to live the life of a prostitute...and he supported it...and neither of them liked to use “condoms”. Apparently condoms took away from the glory. My mind has traveled to many places in the last few weeks. There were times in my life, where I got into abusive relationships when I was younger...but then, I never gave anyone a second chance to hit me again...I am confused most by why I stayed so long...in this tangled mess...where I was not only physically hurt, but emotionally too. I kept trying to make it better...I walked on egg shells at times, in an effort to have him care. I often said toward the end, that he didn’t know me...he never knew me, nor did he want to...I didn’t realize that till my alter ego figured it out. And when I finally awakened, I realized everyone in his world was this way to him...I finally realized it was not me. I think, perhaps if I had someone I could have confided in, maybe, I would have woke up earlier...but my story was not one that you can just share with anyone...nor would it be one that I would be very proud to tell my family. There were times, when I wanted to contact the other woman...but I didn’t feel that would be of much benefit either. I had to distance myself...and I thank God I did. Unfortunately I think it will be very hard, to ever attempt to trust again. I will never again assume, someone is trustworthy. I have learned that trust is earned, and I know that he never earned one ounce of trust from me...

papyrina 52F
21133 posts
4/5/2006 6:00 am

hugs honey

I'm a

i'm here to stay

lookingforit991 59M
6 posts
4/5/2006 8:13 am

There are many good people out there. Just go slow.

rm_Rico0825 56M
483 posts
4/5/2006 2:42 pm

The fact that you are putting this out to the public show what a wonderful,humble, unique women you are. You will not only move on from this but grow from it.

Did you ever consider moving to Jersey?

DOM_anation 54M

4/6/2006 10:14 pm

take it day by day charmed, Another day,another dawn.It shouldn"t be this way but life goes on.Tried to be nice but now she"s/he"s gone.The flame turned to ice but life goes on. So lulu,just keep on keeping on,hugs and best wishes,good luck,DOM

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