Interviewing the President  

celticpride73 44M
1 posts
2/1/2006 10:22 am

Last Read:
8/7/2006 7:53 pm

Interviewing the President

I'm here with a spokesman from the Bush White House and they've kindly taken some time from their busy schedule to answer some concerns over recent events.

Q. Let's get to the meat of this right now. Can the President spy on Americans without a warrant?

A. The President has to spy on Americans without a warrant! We're at war! The President's gotta defend America and he's not gonna wait around for a permission slip from a judge or a senator or America to do it!

Q. That's just the kind of tough, no-nonsense
thinking I like in a de facto dictator! Now some crazy people say the President broke some silly old laws like FISA and the National Security Act and the Fourth Amendment. Are these crazy people crazy or just nuts?

A. Both! Maybe those "laws" worked back in 1978 back when Leonid Brezhnev was snortin' coke with Ayatollah Khomeini and tie-dying t-shirts while listening to Grateful Dead albums, but in today's dark and dangerous times they just aren't good enough.

Q. Things sure have changed since the innocent days of mutually assured destruction! But is it legal for the President to just ignore the Bill of Rights?

A. Maybe not according to plain ol' stupid ol' regular Bill of Rights laws, but we're at war! You don't go to war with regular laws, which are made outta red tape and bureaucracy and Neville Chamberlain's panties. You go to war with great big strapping War Laws made outta tanks and cold hard steel and the American Fightin' Man and WAR, KABOOOOOOM! ... where were we again?

Q. I forget. How does a War Bill become a War Law?

A. It all begins with the President, who submits a bill to the President. If a majority of both the President and the President approve the bill, then it passes on to the President, who may veto it or sign it into law. And even then the President can override himself with a two-thirds vote.

Q. Wow. It's the checks and balances that make all the difference in our democratic system.

A. It's true.

Q. So the President can spy on me without a warrant?

A. The President would never, ever spy on you, unless you're talking to a known terrorist.

Q. Well that sounds reasonable!

A. Or an associate of a terrorist, or a suspected associate of a terrorist, or a possible suspected relative of a member of an affiliate of a terrorist, or someone with a name that's spelled like a terrorist's, or someone who's been mistakenly identified as a terrorist by an NSA algorithm because they sent an email once with the word "bomb" in it. That's how we KNOW Roger Ebert is a terrorist.

Q. That sounds like I should look into switching to smoke signals.

A. Well if you want, the President can stop the illegal wiretapping just for you.

Q. Really? Well thanks, that'd be great!

A. And then the terrorists can come and eat you.

Q. Wait! ... What?

A. 'Cause without the wiretaps there's nothin to stop the terrorists from eatin' you. The terrorists and their army of bees.

Q. Oh no! I'm allergic to terrorists AND bees!

A. Oh that's too bad, 'cause now the President hasta stop the so-called "illegal" wiretaps and let aaaalllll those terrorist bees eat you.

Q. Quick! Put the wiretaps back, put the wiretaps back!

A. No no, you just said you wanna get eaten. Eaten by terrorist bees.

Q. I change my mind! Please let the President wiretap me, pleeeease.

A. I dunno...

Q. Please, I can change! I DO believe in terror, I DO believe in terror!

A. Oh, alright. But just this once!

Q. It's a Nine-Elevenmas miracle!

A. We are here to serve the public after all.

Q. Is the President above the law?

A. Nobody's above the law! As Commander-in-Chief the President simply outranks the law.

Q. So the President doesn't actually break the law.. He just appoints new laws to fill vacancies in the event that the law is absent, wrong, or inconvenient. Well everyone knows he has that right as empowered by Acticle II of the Shmonstitution!

A. Yep. In the new and freer America, the importance of the law falls somewhere between Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings and Secretary of Veterans Affairs Jim Nicholson.

Q. Well you can't put the law any higher then that.. It would just slow down the War on Terror with bureaucratic rules and terrorist-inspiring regulations like the Geneva Convention and the Bill of Rights.

A. Exactly. If the law outranked the President, we'd never get anything done! The President would go toss Osama bin Laden through a plate glass window and the law would call him into his office an go "Dammit president, you're outta control!" And then the president'd be all "I'm outta control? You're outta control law! The whole freakin system's outta control!"

Q. Wait! I've seen this movie! And then the President would totally turn in his badge and quit the force to fight crime "his way"!

A. Right. His way ... and with awesome kung-fu.

Q. And bees.

A. Not bees! That's a terror weapon!

Q. Right. Sorry. Can the President eat a baby?

A. If that baby has suspected ties to al Qaeda, then it's the President's duty to eat it - for the sake of national security.

Q. Gotcha. So the President doesn't want to eat sweet, delicious babies. He just wants to protect America from the growing threat of a rogue baby insurgency right?

A. Exactly. And nobody will have more compassion for that succulent baby barbecue than him.

Q. How many non-terrorist babies would it be acceptible for the President to accidentally eat in the course of enforcing a rigorous terrorist baby-eating program?

A. First of all, the President would never ever eat a baby unless it was reasonably suspected to be affiliated with possible terror-like programs or activities. Second of all, do we really wanna start tyin' the President's hands when he's tryin' to protect everybody from jihadist babies? They could be Islamifying our country's pablum supply as we speak!

Q. Sir, I demand the immediate establishment of a cabinet-level Department of Baby-Eating!

A. That's how we'll win the war on terror son.

Q. So with our sophisticated baby-eating technology we should be taking the Terrorstani capital of Fearlamabad any day now?

A. Of course! But the actual occupation could last quite some time, you understand...

Q. Well, yes. But the battle has to be won. These people want to use terror to take away our freedoms after all.

A. And that's just un-American

3d60 49M

2/1/2006 11:35 am

Q: Will FEMA take away your civil liberties, rights to freedom and in carscarate whim..

A: yep we declare a civil emergency and round up who the hell we like for whatever reason we don't have to give you..

Q: do we live in a democracy, in which we can effect change

A: no in the west we all live in a candy coloured fear induced facist society, where govourments, presidents, judges and generals are all puppets, bouncing to the strings of unseen forces......wake up america, europe, the whole bloody world because we are being sold down the river.

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