sleep deprived and pensive  

catastrophegirl 41F
975 posts
7/4/2006 2:00 am

Last Read:
7/4/2006 5:41 pm

sleep deprived and pensive

working a double shift today. i need the money. it'll about cover my car insurance. but not the speeding ticket.
i don't really go out lately. i never have the time or money.
i am pretty much not seeing anyone right now. no time. not feeling well mostly.
and unfortunately this is that really fun part of my health issue where i get randomly depressed for no good reason. i mean, you know me, i'm a pretty cheerful person most of the time. i have learned to keep myself seeing the bright side of things.
but right now, and for the last few days especially, i have just been a total wreck. for no reason that i can fathom. sure i'm a little more cut off from social interaction, but not entirely. i go to work, i work with friends, we laugh, joke and have conversations.
so i can't go out in daylight in this heat.... i still have the option to hang out with people after dark - i just never do lately.
mostly i am just tired but unable to sleep. i find myself having the old nightmares, the ones about not being able to sleep. and being late for work. which of course makes me late for work in the end because i hear the alarm but i think it is part of the dream and it doesn't affect me. i've even gotten used to being bitten by my cat in my sleep.
i finally figured part of it out... i'm apparently lacking in dopamine... see, you get dopamine from various sources: chocolate (unable to eat lately due to tooth pain; ) repetive manual tasks (like sweeping floors. i only own a broom because i was given one. i have about 4 square feet of solid floor so i just use a brush and dustpan. it takes about 90 seconds; ) jogging/running (ummm... NO; ) or sex (not getting any of that the last few weeks.)
so i'm just melancholy from chemical unbalance i think.
i would say i feel a bit lonely... but then i spend time in the company of people and enjoy myself for a limited time... then i want to not be there and they want me to go because the welcome is worn and it's just nodding at each other and smiling.
perhaps i am just missing out on "me" time.
it's so good to have the laptop back at work because trying to edit documents in wordpad was so frustrating that i was just taking my work home to do it... on my slow old computer that is having issues with the latest upgrades (i swear microsoft has got to be deliberately inducing errors into the win2k updates to force me to change to winxp.) it took up all of my time. this machine is sooo much faster that i did in two hours tonight what it took me 6 hours to do last week.
i want to read a book in bed with a cup of tea and pack of smokes and my cat.... i want to go to a friend's house just to watch a movie and hang out, not to help out with something or talk business. i want to get out of the house and do something social that isn't work related... or website related.... and going to the warped tour didn't count because i heard the word "myspace" used over a hundred times in that one day...... "here's our myspace" "we're on myspace" "did you see our myspace video?" "are you on myspace?" "are you a myspacer?" (when did myspacer become a term?)
"did you google that myspacer's preferred blog? oh - my - god!"
i want a vacation from the cyberverse. but i can't afford to go

Your post has been denied due to the following reason: Banned Topics (hate/weapons/under age). Please update your post to get it re-reviewed.
you want me to edit my post, start giving me an exact reason why. thereis nothing in this blog about hate or weapons or underage. it's about my medical problems and a concert i went to. if you have a problem with me mentioning the name of another social networking website.... then you need to tell me that in your 'banned' message.

i am really sick of getting censored on what is supposed to be a more adult friendly site. pair that with getting emails from guys who believe the advertising lead ins that they will get laid in 24 hours just for joining and then want to take out their frustrations with abuse toward me and the few other real women on here.... and it makes me feel ill just thinking about the way you handle business. i am glad i don't own any stock in the company or i'd be flushing it down the toilet.

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