barely expressable  

catastrophegirl 41F
975 posts
5/10/2006 10:14 pm

Last Read:
11/20/2006 5:22 pm

barely expressable

I have just come home from dinner with my sister and her boyfriend.

i have walked in and sat down to write this. my right arm and the last three fingers of my left hand are numb for the usual reason.

the ingredients for my cake are waiting on the counter. but first i have to write down these:

"barely expressable words to a friend i apparently no longer have"

you were my first choice for the person i wanted to spend today, my 30th birthday and the traditionally worst day of my life, with. i didn't tell you it was my birthday because i didn't want your pity or obligation. just your company. if we were sitting on a sidewalk somewhere chain smoking and not talking to each other, that would have been enough.

a few days ago i asked you if you had plans for today. you said no. i asked if you wanted to hang out. you said you didn't think we could find anything fun to do. you didn't think it was a good idea. i took that to mean no. i got the feeling you'd rather sit at home with nothing to do than to hang out with me. that hurt.

life sucks really badly for you right now, i know. when i asked you yesterday if you'd like me to go buy you some food last night you said you were busy and could we do it tonight. i explained i had made plans for tonight since you weren't originally available. my sister wanted to take me to dinner. she's been trying to get me to agree to go out to dinner tonight for weeks but i had told her no on the chance i might get to see you. when you said no, i agreed to go to dinner. she is my sister after all.

then very late last night (or rather early this morning) i got an email from a friend i hadn't seen in about a year asking me to hang out this afternoon. i had no other afternoon plans so i was delighted. i didn't tell him it was my birthday either. in fact, almost no one knew. i blocked comments for days to keep my friends who did know from tipping anyone else off.

this morning i woke up to several text/email messages from you telling me how you were mad i made other plans and that you didn't really need the groceries but could you have some money? i explained i had plans and maybe tomorrow.

you said:

"forget it.
keep yer rotten help.

i'm sick of people treating me like shit.

i hope it was worth it. "

so i had lunch and hung out with my friend for the afternoon then met my sister and her boyfriend at the restaurant

all through dinner i had to hold it together by turning it into a work experience. we talked food and restaurants and critiqued the atmosphere and service. then my sister's boyfriend gave me a little bottle of jack daniels. then i got into my car.

i started my car and cried all the way home. because i learned something today. i learned that someone i thought was a friend is actually someone who wants to spend time with me only when i can provide a service or financial benefit to them.

well, no accidents or funerals or surgeries for me today. just a lesson i kind of knew was probably coming, but was a bitter pill all the same.

now i'm going to go make my birthday cake and get miserably drunk. if i feel especially motivated i might hook up my ps2 and spend some time killing virtual beasties. but i doubt it. i just want to get comfortably numb.

rm_hardtarget00 56M
128 posts
5/11/2006 6:39 am

I am so sorry for you! I wish I were there to give you a great big hug and let you know that I care. I do not know why people act like this but it is what I too have come to expect. Rarely do we meet people that do not have some alterior motive for out companionship. Love and hugs and happy birthday.

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