Where I'm at and where I've been...  

carebearluv2 43F
1267 posts
3/10/2006 10:20 pm

Last Read:
3/15/2006 7:47 pm

Where I'm at and where I've been...

I have tried to write this blog entry several times. Each time I do, I end up debating whether to post it, until I finally erase it. Not because it isn't a good entry, because it is one of the most revealing entries I have ever written. Each word on this post is coming from a place deep within my soul and that scares me.

I am not one to reveal myself to people, at least not my true self. People see me as someone who is always cheerful, happy go lucky and who never causes conflict. Most people would describe me as kind and good natured. While I am that way on many levels, I hide on a daily basis. I hide deep, emotional scars that prevent me from feeling down. I built large, scaling walls so thick in my soul; a fortress against anyone who would even begin to try to get to know the real me. Truth is, I am scared of the real me, scared of what I have become and the road I am headed down.

Thinking back, I try to pinpoint what caused this change within myself. I try to determine when I became this internal fortress and when I stopped giving people a chance. When I became convinced that anyone that got too close to me would leave and hurt me. When I lost hope and faith in people, especially men.

My Dad left when I was 8 due to an affair with my best friend's mother. I was the one that found them together and told my mother. An 8 year old does not have the mental capacity to understand the truth behind that type of action, they can only understand the action is incorrect. I did not know why my father was kissing her, just that she wasn't my mother. When my Dad left, my world collapsed. As far as I was concerned, he left me that day because I wasn't good enough as a daughter. I wasn't enough. He left an 8 year old and a 5 year old and he hasn't really been back since. Sure, he calls every week and we talk, but any true resemblance of a father left the day he walked out the door. I have spent the remaining years up until this point, fighting that feeling. It suffocates me. It also makes me a perfectionist in everything I do because I never feel good enough.

I guess you could say my opinion of men was formed at that point. They became liars and cheats. I never hated them, I just knew what my Dad was capable of and felt all men could be the same way. All men could up and abandon me.

I was 15 when I dated my first real love and he meant everything to me. The star hockey player, great sense of humor, cute, popular. Honestly, I slipped into almost an obsessive mode and the more he rejected me, the more I wanted him. He cheated on me in front of me, used me for sex when the mood struck and whenever I garnered the courage to leave, he sucked me back in with sweet promises. This went on for about two years and every night, I cried myself to sleep. I compared anyone who tried to date me to him, made him almost god-like and pretended my heart wasn't shattered. Finally, I left him and while my heart was crushed, I knew I was better off. Therapy and a mental break convinced me of that.

During one of my darker periods with him, I met a guy at work. He was a great guy, kind, sweet and gentle. I didn't feel anything for him but he was crazy about me. He pursued me continously for 3 years, despite having other girlfriends. I loved the attention and I would do whatever I needed to do to get it, even if it meant helping him cheat. I was the "other woman" several times and that's when I first got a more mature view of cheating. That's when I also confirmed my belief than any man would do it for a woman they desired.

Fast forward a few years and I was pregnant by him. 19, living at home and all he wanted was an abortion. I didn't have one. Instead, I would spend the next 12 years of my life, to where I am today, trying to convince him to be a father to a boy he never really wanted in the first place. A boy that feels abandoned, just like I did at 8. I live with the guilt of that every day of my life, even though it is not my burden to bear. My only crime was believing in him and for that, I will never forgive myself.

Before I became pregnant by my work "friend", I met and dated a man that physically abused me. He shattered any resemblance of a chance I had to break out of this cycle of self sabotage and warped ideals about men. He had an alarming degree of charm, which hid his deceptions for quite a while...

*To be continued as I take a break, a breath and think.....

curious082385 32F
4925 posts
3/11/2006 12:18 am

Blog twins indeed. I've got several blogs saved that were never posted and many more that were deleted before they were even finished.
I can't tell you how much I admire your courage in finally posting this one. I only hope that it felt good to do it. Thank you for letting us witness your journey...it's an honor.

norprin5 56M

3/11/2006 5:46 pm

waiting patiently...take your time, luv. *safe hugs*

King Nor XVIII

honestandreal30 42F

3/12/2006 10:09 am

carebear...this is very moving. reading this has bought some of my scars to surface. my scars of my own father who left when i was 6 yrs old....may need to post a blog of my own

hang in there carebear


carebearluv2 43F

3/15/2006 7:45 pm

Curious, we've already exchanged our thoughts on this post, so all I will say is write it, post it and reveal it. You will feel better...

carebearluv2 43F

3/15/2006 7:46 pm

Thanks for taking the journey with me Nor..

carebearluv2 43F

3/15/2006 7:47 pm

Honest, I am glad I inspired you. I will be over to read your post as soon as possible.

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