Suggestion: DaphneR  

bulging_boy 50M
4912 posts
1/22/2006 4:30 am

Last Read:
4/25/2006 10:10 pm

Suggestion: DaphneR

Back on Please give generously I asked for some ideas. Fortunately for you, I got some replies.

I say fortunately, because it may be the reprieve from all the shite you've endured over the last few days.

I looked through the comments and it seems DaphneR's suggestion is next in line. Sorry Daph. I wish I could have done you proud... but you know how it is!

So... on with the show.

Your bride-to-be has been kidnapped by a band of one-legged pirates and been taken to their faraway hideout. Tell your tale of adventure, search and rescue.

Thanks Daph! Thanks a fucking bunch!!


I remember as if it was yesterday, arriving home after a long day. Thinking of nothing but taking [blog LiBlonde97] in my arms and allowing the tedium to wash away.

The front door was wide open, an invitation I was hoping, but seeing the disarray inside... I realised things weren't going to be good.

I stepped inside and surveyed the mess. Unwashed dishes, clothes strewn over tables and chairs... I could go on...

I've never been a tidy fucker... but there was a chair upturned and a full bottle of Sauvingon Blanc on the counter.

My heart fell to the floor and I almost joined it when I saw the note under the bottle.

She is with us now. Bring the booty of ten size nine slip on shoes - for the right foot. Or she will be fed to the crocodiles tomorrow at noon. Ye have been warned. Arrrrrr!


The pirates of the Right. Foot.

It took longer than I would have liked to gather myself together and formulate a plan. It was fairly simple.

Get ten size nine slip on shoes... for a right foot.

I mean... who wouldn't right? I would have gladly given my life to ensure the safety of my [blog LiBlonde97]. Fortunately... these were pretty dumb pirates and had no appreciation of worth.

I rang all the shoe shops in town. None had size nine of any type of shoe.

I began to get a little worried. After all... this was *my* future these fuckers were dealing with. I pondered my situation for a while, before deciding I didn't really have many options.

I went to the shoe shops and bought what I could. They weren't size nine, but they formed part of my cunning plan. I then went to the chemist and purchased the remaining ingredient.

At exactly eleven forty the following day, I made my way to the only pirate ship berthed in the harbour. I made a forceful demand to see the captain and was led on board the ship.

The captain eventually hopped up onto the deck and introduced himself, I however was not in the mood for pleasantries. He had stolen one of the most precious things in my life... and I wanted it back.

I threw a bag on the ground in front of him and advised him that the payment was complete... I would be taking my [blog LiBlonde97] back and leaving.

By now the remaining pirate crew had made their way to the deck and surrounded me in a crescent shape. Their swords drawn and laughing.

I was frogmarched and placed in the hold. For how long I'm not sure. The way the ship tossed and turned told me we were no longer tied up in the harbour.

Eventually we stopped. Light shone into the dim hold where I had been sitting, nearly blinding me. The sillouette of one of the pirates made it's way in a jumping fashion down the steps towards my cage.

I was released and let at gunpoint off the ship. My destination was the side of my [blog LiBlonde97]

We stood side by side with the Pirate Captain menacingly threatening us while slashing his sword through the air.

At his feet was the sack containing the ransom. I leant down, grabbed the sack and threw it high into the air. As the sack floated lazily towards the sky I shouted, size nine slipons for everyone!

As they all watched the bag open and slowly spit the shoes out in a kind of mesmerised horror... I ran through them and grabbed my prize. [blog LiBlonde97] smiled at me as I held her tightly, threw her over my back and ran for the ship.

By now the shoes were raining down and the pirates were trying to gather as many as they could in a bizarre lolly scramble fashion.

We boarded the ship and I pulled the gang plank from the ship throwing it into the water. I unfastened the ropes keeping the ship in and smiled to myself.

[blog LiBlonde97] had already brought the anchor up and we drifted out into the ocean away from the pirate hideout island.

It wasn't long before the screams from the pirates could be heard loud and clear. She looked anxiously towards the shore expecting to see an army intent on recapturing their ship.

I knew they would be exactly where they were when the shoes were thrown. In their excitement they would have pulled the shoes on to protect their feet from the harsh and rugged landscape.

Unfortunatly for them, I had filled each shoe with sports linament, and now they all had to endure their only foot burning like hell itself.

I was joined at the wheel and asked if I knew how to sail this thing. No I replied. Did I know where I was going? No I replied again.

For did it matter where we were going? With my [blog LiBlonde97] at my side, any journey was going to be an amazing one.

Besides. I don't think those pirates would bother anyone again.

rm_DaphneR 59F
8023 posts
1/22/2006 9:29 am

In the back of my mind, when I typed in "one-legged" I KNEW that you'd have them hopping...nevermind about those pesky pirate peglegs getting stuck in knotholes.

Good job kiwi.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
1/22/2006 9:40 am

A laughing sword? I've never seen a laughing sword. But since this is invisible to everyone but me, it doesn't really matter now does it? (shakes head bitterly and walks away) This blog sucks.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

onelittlesecret 34M
1579 posts
1/22/2006 10:16 am


slidein2meplz 63F
1994 posts
1/22/2006 10:28 am saved the day and you got the girl. You're a living, breathing Action Hero....putting to shame all the action hero's of the big screen. WOO HOO... so Bulge...when will your action hero figures come out in the stores?

Good job!

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~

FeistySyn 53F

1/22/2006 10:39 am

Buldge Action Heros? ... hmmmm... don't think I will be buying any of those for my little one... not sure I want to have to explain the buldge part ... or why Mommy keeps touching it there....


Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?

bulging_boy 50M

1/22/2006 2:18 pm

LOL Spicy,

bulging_boy 50M

1/22/2006 2:23 pm

as if I would do something sensible Daph


I'd completely forgotten about peglegs.

bulging_boy 50M

1/22/2006 2:25 pm

Glad it got a smile Secret,

bulging_boy 50M

1/22/2006 2:26 pm

My action hero aint coming out Slide!

He's straight as!!


bulging_boy 50M

1/22/2006 2:29 pm

ooooh Feisty


You say *all* the right things!


impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
1/22/2006 6:41 pm - who knew the bulgy could be soooo sweet and tender? LIB - aren't you just the luckiest woman - your own personal superhero.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

TzarsAmuseChant 42M
2854 posts
1/22/2006 7:41 pm

thats a great story mate. by the way, my balls are itching.

oldman1776 79M
3164 posts
1/22/2006 10:34 pm

Great story LMOAO.

bulging_boy 50M

1/22/2006 10:46 pm


That lovely lady has melted this heart of ice...


Who'da thought it huh?

bulging_boy 50M

1/22/2006 10:47 pm

ok five

Fer fucks sake mate,

One of these days I'm gonna buy you a ball scratcher!



bulging_boy 50M

1/22/2006 10:48 pm


You are sooo gonna have to watch that OA of yours!

From what Bard tells me... it's pretty fragile!

kyplowboy22 62M

1/22/2006 11:36 pm

lmao, bungee boy.

curious082385 32F
4925 posts
1/23/2006 1:11 am're so sweet!
She's a lucky girl. Honest.

Although, the action figure idea is rather disturbing, I must say.

bulging_boy 50M

1/23/2006 1:36 am


Obviously I've missed something in chat!



GoddessOfTheDawn 106F
11240 posts
1/23/2006 2:22 am

~ smilez ~

gud on ya ....

bulging_boy 50M

1/23/2006 3:47 am

Thanks curious,

Although... I think that *I'm* the lucky one!


I quite like the action figure idea... especially when fiesty said she wanted to abuse it.


bulging_boy 50M

1/23/2006 3:48 am



Sweetest_Sin_Jes 38F

1/23/2006 4:10 am

These were butt pirates? Hehe!


bulging_boy 50M

1/23/2006 5:09 am

LOL Jess...

I had to think about that.

no... most definately not. The butt pirates and the arse bandits were on a completely different ship.

Apparently you need to have both legs to be a decent member of those groups. Not that I've checked.

Uhhh... shite! Look what you've started!

oooh... a monkey!

aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
1/23/2006 10:48 am

Ya, you do seem to have a lot of time on your hands... Very funny!

bulging_boy 50M

1/23/2006 2:35 pm


Yep... I do aas. Despite being up to my eyeballs in work.

Maybe I should get one of those things that help you work...

what were they called again?

hmmmmm.... work... ethic?


dasher121 37M

1/25/2006 11:24 am

Original first draft of ransom, on tape in a recorder....later reconcidered to be written instead.

Voice of:"Captn Slap Happy Jack" aaarrrrrrr!

"We b the pirates of the right foot aaarrrrrr!! Oy! Quiet down back thar yee lilly livered assbags aarrrrrrrr *hack cough cough* damn those aaaarrrrrssss. Had to yonder to thee throat doctor, told me to gargle water and salt aaaaaarrrrrrr *cough cough hack* aaahh, too many long winded deep arrrsss says he!

Anyway laddie we b the pirates of the right...."

"Uh captn, you already said that."

"AAARRRRRRRR!!!! *cough hack hack* get ye arse out of here Billy! Go swab the poop deck yee pair of duck shoes!"


"AAARRRRR, anyway we have yeee precious bride to be Mr. Bulge! AARRRRR. If yee ever want too see her bring ye arse by the ship in the harbor aaaarrrrrrr *hack choke choke* shit!!! Oh, no no dont bring shit young sir arrrr. Bring us......"

he forgot to rewind the tape, it flips to a recording of "Its raining men."

note written and dropped off shortly after.

bulging_boy 50M

1/26/2006 3:47 am

LOL Dashman,

Explains the bitterness... I mean you can't help but dance to that song now can ya!


bulging_boy 50M

2/1/2006 4:44 pm

LMAO Wahine!

The truth comes out at last!



rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
2/2/2006 4:22 pm

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

bulging_boy 50M

2/3/2006 1:43 am

you might start the reparations Wahine...

I know what you've been up to with those invisible comments!


Sister_Act_4_You 39F/39F

3/31/2006 8:48 am

I always enjoyed your blog postings and miss them quite a bit...however, I truly understand and appreciate your busy schedule.

My continued best wishes to you and blonde for a lovely future together in NZ. If I ever get down there, I will have to look you up...there is no one I would rather have take me sightseeing!

bulging_boy 50M

4/25/2006 6:16 pm

sweet as L,

So long as you don't mind not going up the Sky Tower!

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