Suggestion: Bardicman  

bulging_boy 50M
4912 posts
1/15/2006 7:24 pm

Last Read:
6/17/2006 6:29 am

Suggestion: Bardicman

Sadly the tales of LiBlonde in New Zealand aren't for publication.

Actually now that I think of it, I'm quite fucking fortunate they aren't.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!!

Sexual frustration and incompetence after 24hr flight!

Extra! Extra!


Curse my impotence.

Curse the fact that I shot my two weeks worth into my pants at the airport when I saw her!


Following on from that you would think there would be plenty of things that she would have done to make me laugh.

Sadly no! I was depressed with my continuing failure to perform. Even juggling was a disappointment.

By the last days of her stay, we figured that there was one thing that she had to do.


I had already enjoyed plenty of laughs as she repeatedly went to the drivers side when we went anywhere.

In fact I would often move to the passengers side just to make it worse. Then when she realised I would laugh loudly and she would run around the car and king hit me in the side of the head.

Fucking Nuuu Yawkers! You're soo violent!

So we decided that she should at least try to drive here. I mean. She has to get used to driving on the correct side of the road.

Just cause someone said drive on the right side of the road by accident... you guys took them literally.

They meant to say drive on the correct side of the road.

Which of course... is the LEFT.


anyway... we can't change you guys now. You're too far gone. You've even gone to the extremes of putting the driver on the left hand side of the car.

How fucked up is that??

Anyway. She put on her brave suit and climbed into the drivers seat.

A turn of the key. Clutch in. Gear change. Clutch out. Accelerator down and we're off!

Not too bad really. Admittedly it is a 4x4 and she's used to driving a car. A car with the drivers seat on the wrong side I have to add. So I was fairly impressed.

She called it stick! I called it manual. Whatever!

When she got a little more confident. I asked her why she was driving on the wrong side of the road.

OOOOH! You should have seen her face!

It's kinda crazy when your mind adjusts to a different set of rules than the ones you are soo used to. Then to have some fucker throw a spanner in the works like that?


It made me laugh for a good while.

Given she did such a good job, I let her drive to my parents place which was a good 20 minutes away. We did it in 10.

Which I'm quite thankful for. I was white knuckled all the way. Not with the speed... but with the fractions of an inch between the wheel and the curb. (Yes I said inch. Or you'd have no idea what I was talking about).

She impressed me with the fact that she a) Didn't crash. b) Didn't shit herself. c) Didn't punch the fuck out of me and d) Didn't scream.

The only thing I could take points off for was the handbrake. Which she hadn't taken off for about a kilometre.

I could smell something burning but had assumed it was coming from the car in front. After a while I realised it was coming from mine!

And there was me thinking it was the clutch.

It doesn't go very fast does it?

Brakes do that sweetie!

romeoMEETSjuliet 53M/53F
162 posts
1/15/2006 9:39 pm

She says - I went and looked at pictures of the first automobiles. Dang if they don't all have the steering wheel towards the left. At least before the "Guiness" brothers got hold of the plans.

He syas - What part of driving on the "right" side of the road did you clowns misunderstand? Is their a metric word for "right" that was lost in translation? Now, if you were a nuclear wielding superpower effecting all phases of global culture, we might listen... How are they driving in China these days?

impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
1/15/2006 10:40 pm

May she always make your heart beat that fast.....(giggle)

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

Peche85 32F

1/15/2006 10:58 pm

Lol thats hilarious!! Reminds me of trying to teach my brother how to drive. At least he knew which side is the right side to drive on! If only he could stay on that side hehe.

Loved the part about the handbrake! I tried to drive my mums car without actually turning it on last time i was home *blushes* I had turned it to ACC so we could listen to the radio while i was sorting my stuff out then i tried to put it in reverse and drive lol. My sister thought it was hilarious. So did I hehe.

charleslamb4077 38M
90 posts
1/16/2006 12:01 am

She wouldn't be a woman without riding the brakes, now would she?

rm_DaphneR 59F
8023 posts
1/16/2006 12:57 am

Laugh, just wait until you try to drive over here. ROFL!!!

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

curious082385 32F
4925 posts
1/16/2006 1:55 am

Oh yeah, I'm with Daph on this one....I want a video camera for your first moments behind the wheel over here!

I remember when we went to England and Dad had to get used to driving on the WRONG (as in the left) side of the road. There were a few tense moments when we would go around a corner and realize that we had been driving on the right hand side and suddenly had on-coming traffic in front of us.

MisterPriapus 58M
6980 posts
1/16/2006 2:09 am

...Is that what all those painted lines in the road are for?!! Howzabout that...

As a matter of fact- I do own the fuckin' road!



Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.

And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!



bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 3:42 am

Ahhh Juliet.

You probably have one of the first automobiles in that one horse town you're in.


They're driving badly! What was your point?


bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 3:43 am

Yeah pixie,

Then if I have a heart attack... I'll just think it's how she makes me feel


bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 3:46 am

LOL Peche,

Actually I'm a good one for starting the car when it's already running.

Ummm... not when I'm driving... just if I'm idling somewhere, like maybe outside the house.

bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 3:46 am

Ya aint too bad yerself Spicy!

bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 3:48 am


Maaaaate! She wasn't so much riding the brakes as she was riding ON the brakes.

Fuck me! The handbrake was fully on! I just happened to look down and it took me a few seconds to register that she was driving with it up.


bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 3:48 am

Oh yeah Daph!

You'd like that!

I've seen those cop movies... You fuckers all drive on the pavement!

bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 3:50 am

LOL Curious,

The funniest part about that... was that you said LEFT was the WRONG side!


bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 3:51 am


As the owner of the road... I've been meaning to point out a few potholes that need mending.

ummm... Mr P?

bardicman 51M

1/16/2006 7:05 am

I didnt know you people had cars in New Zealand.. Wow.. With real motors or pedals?

I am not dead yet

rm_Bct2Esi 52M/51F
1375 posts
1/16/2006 7:26 am

Ummm bulgy it is called a "manual" not a stick...sheeesh LOL

that was funny, now can we hear HER side of this story? hmmmmm LOL

hugs and smiles

dasher121 37M

1/16/2006 7:26 am

oh man, well glad the driving thing made you feel better for the ummm........accidents in the BR lol. no worries dude, shit happens and it can only be up hill from there right?

Remember, there is less shame in saying "Wait, hold on a minute or im going to.........fuck!!! you moved!"

see, then its her bad not yours! hahaha great post dude.

GoddessOfTheDawn 106F
11240 posts
1/16/2006 7:35 am

~ headz over to daphne'z to wait for that video .... ~

bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 8:42 am

Damn Bard,

If I say pedals... I just know you're gonna be over here




bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 8:44 am

Thankyou Bct,

Now I'm gonna get her to admit, that she must be the only one who calls it 'stick'


She'd like to post her side... but ummm... she's kinda tied up at the moment!

bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 8:45 am

Jesus Dashman,

I had to read that twice before I knew what the fuck you were on about!


I wish I could blame her... honestly!

but... I just can't

bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 8:46 am

That's a video of the DRIVING GOTD,

not the bedroom!!


Sister_Act_4_You 39F/39F

1/16/2006 10:55 am

This was toooo funny! Especially when you would go to the other side of the car when she inadvertently walked to the 'passenger side' -- anyway, when you're going to drive over here? I don't want video....I just want a warning! lol!

As always....lmfao!

helga_hansen 50F
1987 posts
1/16/2006 11:04 am

Lol... bring LIBlonde97 to the UK and let's have some fun going around the roundabouts, on the CORRECT side of the road. I'm with you, Bulge... and I have to admit having driven with the handbrake up, albeit partially up... sheesh, the smell!!


Love, hugs and kisses from ♥♥HH♥♥

rm_LilBlondeNZ 42F
1028 posts
1/16/2006 2:56 pm

As soon as I say Bard's suggestion, I knew that there was going to be a story involving cars or driving.

Whatever!... I think I did pretty damn good considering I was sitting on the wrong side of the car, shifting a "manual" with my wrong hand and driving on the wrong side of the road. Plus he has the equivalent of a Pathfinder, and I drive a little Ford Escort! FFS it was like driving a military vehicle!

But I have to admit it was pretty funny how I would invariably panic when Bulge would say "You're on the wrong side of the road!" Hey, in my mind, it was the truth!

And still even the last days I was there, I would walk around to get in the driver's side of the car thinking I was getting in the passenger side. Ane he would fuck with me by starting to walk to the passenger side knowing that would make me go to the driver's side!

I'm with Curious; turning corners, especially right turns is the worst!... I always want to turn into the righthand lane or on the right hand of a divider. God, it fucks my head up! (Not that it takes much.)

Oh and I forgot about the FUCKING ROUNDABOUTS! Those things man... friggin weird. They are essentially what we have here as traffic circles... only they have them all over the place! Pretty much anywhere there's a 4 way intersection! And there's fancy rules for this bullshit; You gotta yield what's coming from the right, signal to get in, and then signal to get out of the circle! Oh too much to remember to do... I think I did one of themn correctly on the way home. Nobody beeped or cursed at me though so I was pretty happy I didn't bring shame to the Bulgemobile.

Well, I for one was very proud of myself... courageously tackling the biggest obstacle to my Kiwi assimilation. Now if I could just learn to convert NZ dollars to US dollars in my head... I'd be frigging psyched!

saddletrampsk 55F

1/16/2006 3:04 pm

If you can't find it..grind it..

Being a farm chick I can drive just about anything..

FeistySyn 53F

1/16/2006 7:20 pm

I had to convert to the "WRONG" side of the road for 3 years living in Japan... but no way in hell I was going to try driving a manual at the same time, damn you are brave Blonde, must be the NYer in you!

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?

bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 7:28 pm

LOL Luscious,

She handled roundabouts brilliantly. I'm going to stay in the car while she gets used to them tho... cause they are freakishly dangerous.

Crossing the road has nearly got me killed a couple of times.

Freaky stuff indeed

bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 7:30 pm

Hey Poppet,

You can have a video of the warning.


bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 7:31 pm

Oh Helga,

It was a truly wonderful time, being able to see the look on her face as she struggled to remember where she was everytime I told her she was on the wrong side.


bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 7:36 pm


You did brilliantly, I'm only taking the piss because I love you so much... and it's pretty much the only thing I can poke fun at.

You are my amazing other half. You would never bring shame to anything!

bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 7:39 pm

You know saddle,

She didn't grind the gears once!

True, that's handy being on a farm, but it's when you have to negotiate other vehicles as well... then it becomes a different ball game.

bulging_boy 50M

1/16/2006 7:41 pm

That's impressive Feisty!

I didn't realise they drove on the right hand side of the road in Japan,

wow... talk about learning something new!


bulging_boy 50M

1/17/2006 1:17 am

LOL sexyfit,

I love the way you use Nuclear Power as a definition of who's backwards!

Yeah roundabouts are cool to watch, but they are slowly being phased out...

mainly due to some people who have absolutely no idea as to how to negotiate them.

Arrrrggghhhh!!! The slide of testing standards I say!

dasher121 37M

1/17/2006 10:10 am

hey dude, thats the way i like to do things........well, sometimes anyway hahaha.

have to keep you on your toes man, if i dont who else.........oh wait, yeah there area alot who do.
never mind, going to have a drink in the corner.
damn, smells like horse piss over here.

oldman1776 79M
3164 posts
1/17/2006 11:17 am

LMAO. Hey we drive stick shifts where I'm from.

The manual is for reading up on why you people on that side of the pond always drive on the wrong side something to do with a short bewteen the left and right sides of ther brain.

aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
1/17/2006 11:26 am

LMAO! I think I would've bailed.

DTduzDallas 51F

1/17/2006 11:39 am


bulging_boy 50M

1/17/2006 1:30 pm

LOL Trav,

It was the way her eyes widened and the colour drained from her face in the matter of a second.

That and the absolute silence coming from her as she frantically tried to remember where she was.


I'm sure she burnt my handbrake on purpose.


bulging_boy 50M

1/17/2006 1:34 pm

I believe you do oldman,

In fact... I used to be a regular watcher of the Fintstones.


yes... we have no problem with our right and left hemispheres communicating.

LOL Unlike those right hand side of the road drivers!

bulging_boy 50M

1/17/2006 1:39 pm

LOL aas,

I wish I could have, but I just couldn't.

She was doing really well.

Bless her!

bulging_boy 50M

1/17/2006 1:43 pm

Heart rate is back to normal now DT,


EyeCandy33333 45F
761 posts
1/17/2006 4:10 pm

My granny saw a patrolman (blue light and siren)going after someone and chuckled "He's got him a sucker!"
Turned out it was her-she was driving down the wrong side of the four lane-lol!It gave us a clue about her driving!
I think Blonde did great -yep-do a video when he comes here of him driving lol!!!!!

boydcounty 68M

1/17/2006 4:30 pm

Maybe she left the brake on in case of a kangaroo crossing.


FeistySyn 53F

1/17/2006 7:25 pm

Ok, I fibbed, just slightly, lived on Okinawa (which is a Japanese island), but I assume the drive the same way on "mainland" Japan? .... which would be TERRIBLY!!!

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?

rm_jynxgurl 31F
209 posts
1/17/2006 7:51 pm

lol you should of seen me drive a car. The first and only time I did I accelerated as fast as I could and crashed the car just backing up!!! lol good thing my teacher (my autoclass teacher)didn't want to get in shit for making a 14 year old drive (he was actually going to mark how well a student drove, even though we were only there to learn mechanical stuff. luckily I was the 1st person in the car so we didn't have a car to grade anyone and that didn't happen ^_^ hehe I would of failed, horrribly!!) so me and my parents didn't have to pay for the damages ^_^ yeah!!!

_Safira 54F
11260 posts
1/17/2006 9:13 pm

Oh, Bulging ~ If LilB makes it down to D.C. next month ... I'm gonna take her to the NZ Embassy to file a complaint. *tee-hee* Actually I'm going to throw her the mother of all hen parties. *sheep beware*

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.


bulging_boy 50M

1/17/2006 9:53 pm


If anyone films me, it'll be to show people how driving can be an art form


bulging_boy 50M

1/17/2006 9:56 pm

Quite possibly Boyd,

Although blonde, she's not *that* stupid.

I'm sure she knows the kangaroos are on that little island Australia to our West.


bulging_boy 50M

1/17/2006 9:58 pm

LOL Jynx,

So... the question that's just begging to be asked...

Can you drive NOW??

bulging_boy 50M

1/17/2006 9:59 pm

Gee thanks Safira,

Ummm... I think she has something on that weekend, and she's not going to be able to make it.


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