Stand and deliver... or not  

bulging_boy 50M
4912 posts
6/7/2006 2:46 am

Last Read:
6/10/2006 2:59 am

Stand and deliver... or not


I'm glad you all enjoyed laughing at my expense.

You heartless bastards.

I have to say I feel a little empty now. Kinda like if a dog was crouched (you know how they do when they take a dump) over a travelator. In some weird magician pulling scarves out of their sleeves kind of way, the end of the dogs shite would get caught and thusly pull an endless sausage from the dog.

So that's the kind of empty I feel.

Like I just shat myself empty.

Oh I know I haven't though. I just know, that in half an hour... more blogging material will start accumulating in my head.

I'm not too sure why this is, but perhaps like many, I have some kind of memory filtering that takes place. I say something and I swear it feels like there aren't any other recollections in my head after it.

Ahhh... and such is the catalyst. Say out loud I remember nothing and something *always* bubbles up as if to say what about me? Ya lying fuck.

So...

I've always thought of myself as a bit of a lazy prick. Ok... more than a bit. In fact if you take the words 'bit of a' out of the first sentence, that would be a more accurate representation of my self belief.

So here I am thinking I'm a lazy bastard as I always do, and suddenly I remember my childhood.

Did you know I used to deliver the paper?

Well... not the paper. Delivering the paper sounds noble. This wasn't a paper as such. This was one of those shitty little rags that used to be full of specials and things like that.

I remember it was called the Real Value Weekly.

Real Value? Get a fucking dog up ya. I'm sure I got about $2 per week for delivering that shit. Maybe $8... but definately no more than $20.

It's all relative anyway. I had to deliver about 200 of those fucking things.

Sure at the start it was great. Enthusiastic and eager I would bound down the stairs. Until I saw the pile.

I hated that job.

Honestly hated it.

I think it was an image thing.

I never wanted to be the *kid* that delivered papers.

So I delivered them. Late. Every fucking week.

Well... nearly every week.

I remember one day this snotty little bitch standing in the middle of the street bellowing It's about time you got here. My Mum's been waiting all day for that!.

All I could do was think Fuck off bitch to myself.

... and then there were the dogs.

Sometimes I fucking hate dogs. Some are just evil cunts.

God one time I was delivering papers up the end of a dead end street. These two fuckers were eyeing me up and as I got past them, the circled and went for me.

What a fucking wimpy girl.

I have this image etched in my mind of me running with arms and legs flailing trying to get away from these fuckers.

and trying to scream.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Yeah you heard.

Trying to scream.

I got my mouth open and all that came out was the tiniest of peeps. I couldn't fucking believe it.

Mind you. I'm kinda glad now. Looking back.

I'd have been the kid that delivered the papers and screamed like a girl.

So, it was incidents like the dogs and that girl that did it.

The straws that broke the camels already broken back.

They just broke it more.

So lazy?

Nope. I really don't think I was. Not anymore.

You see, I would trek literally a kilometre into the bush to dump those fucking papers every week.

I'd hide them in Dad's concrete mixer, in the rubbish bin.

Anywhere in fact.

Anywhere but where they should have gone.

Eventually I lost the paper run. To be honest I'm not sure if I was embarrassed or not. I'm sure as fuck not now even if I was then.

Wankers.

Child exploitation. That's what it was.

Try doing it now you fucking cheap bastards!

OOOH I'm sooo angry now.

Ok... not so much angry, just mildly irritated.

Ahhh... tell the truth... I couldn't give a fuck anymore.

Lazy? Hmmmm... maybe I am after all.

Fuck! What was my point?

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
6/7/2006 3:29 am

You see, I would trek literally a kilometre into the bush to dump those fucking papers every week.
I'd hide them in Dad's concrete mixer, in the rubbish bin.
Anywhere in fact.


Anywhere???? Ha, I can just see you - ducking into a public restroom to get rid of them, never to see them again, wondering whatever happened to them.

Yeah, I can see it.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


bulging_boy 50M

6/7/2006 4:12 am

    Quoting rm_1hotwahine:
    You see, I would trek literally a kilometre into the bush to dump those fucking papers every week.
    I'd hide them in Dad's concrete mixer, in the rubbish bin.
    Anywhere in fact.

    Anywhere???? Ha, I can just see you - ducking into a public restroom to get rid of them, never to see them again, wondering whatever happened to them.

    Yeah, I can see it.
True Wahine,

And knowing my luck, someone would probably catch me in the act.


bulging_boy 50M

6/7/2006 5:23 am

    Quoting rm_valleyrat4:
    You see you did learn something at that early age on your paper route? You learned to shirk responsibility. Isn't it great you can pinpoint where you learned that trait that would be a necessary part of your adult life?
Yeah,

I don't see it as shirking responsibility so much as just honing my deception techniques. Shame I'm not working in a corporate environment to really put them to use.


frangipanigal 46F
10406 posts
6/7/2006 5:25 am

What the hell was that all about? Did someone put something in your drink??

Frangi x

PS I had a paper route too with my older Sister


bulging_boy 50M

6/7/2006 6:27 am

    Quoting frangipanigal:
    What the hell was that all about? Did someone put something in your drink??

    Frangi x

    PS I had a paper route too with my older Sister
I fucking hope not, cause it was a little milkier than normal

*spit*


imLadyBambi 59M/51F

6/7/2006 7:57 am

bulging boy,

You lost me on this one.

For the first time I am writeless.LOL

xxxooo
Lady Bambi

By the way, if ya have time drop by from time to time and check out our(Team Bambi's) blog site.


Whispersoftly5 53F
15176 posts
6/7/2006 8:40 am

What a post! LOL! My first visit to your blog and I find we've something in common! I too had a paper route - not much more prestigious than the one you had. I delivered in the snow in Denver, Colorado. It did not take long for me to come to hate trekking around in the cold morning air. I was not scared by dogs or little girls. Instead, by ladies wearing tired out old robes and rollers in their hair and waiving their fist at me for not hitting the paper to the front porch. LOL! I did not ditch the papers, but I did hate that job - I was glad when I moved onto another job.

Whisper...


Seriously_Real 49M

6/7/2006 10:49 am

My first job was as a paperboy....I loved it, but I wasn't on foot. On a little motor scooter thingy....and there were schnauzers that used to chase me...One day I was ready for them and I pelted in the face at close range with a rolled up newspaper....little fucking bitches never came back again...yeah, yeah...spare me the PETA bullshit....little fuzzy fucks almost killed me running under my scooter....

--Seriously


rm_DaphneR 59F
8023 posts
6/7/2006 1:01 pm

I remember going out on a paper route with the kid that lived down the street from my grandma when I was visiting in Ohio. We went and collected the money payments too. Got tipped a dime and the old lady told us to share it. Whee...paper routes are lame.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


NiceGuyMush 48M

6/7/2006 1:47 pm

Mate!

That was a bit of a rant - get out of bed on the wrong side or something?

Hope you havce a better day tomorrow!


rm_LilBlondeNZ 41F
1028 posts
6/7/2006 3:14 pm

So I'm starting to wonder what *didn't* chase you when you were a kid?

(Note to self: build robotic dog to keep Bulge in line)

A

P.S. I know for a fact you're not lazy *all* the time, that I can attest to... WOO HOOOOOOOO!


bulging_boy 50M

6/7/2006 4:00 pm

    Quoting rm_valleyrat4:
    Perhaps that would explain the curly hair by the glass? You don't sleepwalk do you bulge?
Not that I know of.

and thanks! I was trying to ignore the hair.


bulging_boy 50M

6/7/2006 4:03 pm

    Quoting rm_valleyrat4:
    Sorry, I forgot something.

    valleyrat4... creeping back into the darkness so no one notices how socially unfit I am....
Oh Yeah?

Bulging Boy... Leaving you a single dirty sanchez to make your day


bulging_boy 50M

6/7/2006 4:05 pm

    Quoting imLadyBambi:
    bulging boy,

    You lost me on this one.

    For the first time I am writeless.LOL

    xxxooo
    Lady Bambi

    By the way, if ya have time drop by from time to time and check out our(Team Bambi's) blog site.
Sometimes Lady Bambi these posts just go where they will.

Today was a blank page that just filled up on it's own.

Well... maybe not on it's own, but you get the idea.


bulging_boy 50M

6/7/2006 4:08 pm

    Quoting Whispersoftly5:
    What a post! LOL! My first visit to your blog and I find we've something in common! I too had a paper route - not much more prestigious than the one you had. I delivered in the snow in Denver, Colorado. It did not take long for me to come to hate trekking around in the cold morning air. I was not scared by dogs or little girls. Instead, by ladies wearing tired out old robes and rollers in their hair and waiving their fist at me for not hitting the paper to the front porch. LOL! I did not ditch the papers, but I did hate that job - I was glad when I moved onto another job.

    Whisper...
LOL Whisper,

Thank God it was the paper route we had in common.


bulging_boy 50M

6/7/2006 4:38 pm

    Quoting Seriously_Real:
    My first job was as a paperboy....I loved it, but I wasn't on foot. On a little motor scooter thingy....and there were schnauzers that used to chase me...One day I was ready for them and I pelted in the face at close range with a rolled up newspaper....little fucking bitches never came back again...yeah, yeah...spare me the PETA bullshit....little fuzzy fucks almost killed me running under my scooter....

    --Seriously
You had a scooter?

Somehow my girly escape doesn't seem so bad now.

Just let me think that ok?


smoothnjuicy4u 51F

6/7/2006 6:12 pm

Hi Bulge,
This was my first (I think) visit to your fab. blog. I am clueless to what your point was, who cares. I enjoyed it tremendously .
Hugs Smooth


norprin5 56M

6/7/2006 6:32 pm

yer right, that thing over at [blog MariGrrl] doesn't work...i clicked on the second one and came here too...

King Nor XVIII


digdug41 50M

6/7/2006 9:05 pm

I too had one of those terrible routes it was just on sundays and after a few weeks I would do like half of the route which was long ass fuck and dump the rest in some c garbage can, well I shoulda switched up garbage cans coz the old hag called the paper and they found the ones I didnt deliver so there went my first job but I know the feeling bulge LOL

roaming the cyber streets of blogland


chasingfun27 39M
1108 posts
6/7/2006 9:18 pm

Would've been great on video - You, dressed in your Brownies uniform, waving your arms, screaming your head off, while being pursued by a couple of jack russells.

Nothing like the jobs you hold as a kid to learn necessary life skills. I would never have learnt to pilfer, and consume, such vast quantities of food if it wasn't for a major supermarket chain.


bulging_boy 50M

6/8/2006 3:10 am

    Quoting rm_MariGrrl:
    LMAO.....

    My first job was working the snack counter at the local discount super store. It sucked ass!!! I hated it and was terrible at it. They made me serve the most messed up concoctions and I was usually so hungover I fucked them up almost 100% of the time. The best example was when they had pizza dogs (hot dogs with pizza topping *yuk*). I was supposed to put mozzerella cheese on top and microwave it til the cheese melted. Yeah, I fucked that up too. Turns out when your hungover frozen hashbrowns look just like mozzerella cheese. I nuked that thing forever and the "cheese" wouldn't melt. So, I just served it anyway. Funny thing is the guy ate it and never complained.

    Oh, and before I forget. My uniform included a hat with a fucking root beer float on the bill.... so humiliating.
LOL Mari,

You mean to tell me you had a root beer on the bill of your hat?

That would seriously make me laugh everytime I saw it.


1000ft_above 46M

6/8/2006 1:37 pm

Your not alone, obviously. Yep, I had one too...paper route that is.

Actually it wasn't even my route, I just filled in for a friend. I had perks on this route though. One hot chick..always showered with her window open. I don't think she owned a towel either, cuz she never had one on.

Ahhh, the good old days. I guess I'm either an optomist and saw only the good in it then, or I was just really fuckin' lucky!


bulging_boy 50M

6/8/2006 3:56 pm

    Quoting rm_DaphneR:
    I remember going out on a paper route with the kid that lived down the street from my grandma when I was visiting in Ohio. We went and collected the money payments too. Got tipped a dime and the old lady told us to share it. Whee...paper routes are lame.
So, in today's money... that dime would be worth what?

...ten bucks?

LOL


bulging_boy 50M

6/8/2006 3:58 pm

    Quoting NiceGuyMush:
    Mate!

    That was a bit of a rant - get out of bed on the wrong side or something?

    Hope you havce a better day tomorrow!
Yeah dunno really mate,

Just kind of fell onto the page. Still... I feel heaps better now.


bulging_boy 50M

6/8/2006 4:01 pm

    Quoting rm_LilBlondeNZ:
    So I'm starting to wonder what *didn't* chase you when you were a kid?

    (Note to self: build robotic dog to keep Bulge in line)

    A

    P.S. I know for a fact you're not lazy *all* the time, that I can attest to... WOO HOOOOOOOO!
Girls babe.

Girls didn't chase me.

*sigh*

Umm... guys didn't either. Just in case you got the wrong impression there.


bulging_boy 50M

6/8/2006 4:04 pm

    Quoting smoothnjuicy4u:
    Hi Bulge,
    This was my first (I think) visit to your fab. blog. I am clueless to what your point was, who cares. I enjoyed it tremendously .
    Hugs Smooth
Hey Juicy,

LOL

fab blog?

So long as you guys enjoy it. That's the *only* point for me.


bulging_boy 50M

6/8/2006 4:05 pm

    Quoting norprin5:
    yer right, that thing over at [blog MariGrrl] doesn't work...i clicked on the second one and came here too...
I dunno mate,

She strikes me as someone who doesn't normally make mistakes...

but here you are too!

weird.


bulging_boy 50M

6/8/2006 4:11 pm

    Quoting digdug41:
    I too had one of those terrible routes it was just on sundays and after a few weeks I would do like half of the route which was long ass fuck and dump the rest in some c garbage can, well I shoulda switched up garbage cans coz the old hag called the paper and they found the ones I didnt deliver so there went my first job but I know the feeling bulge LOL
LOL Dug,

Yeah. There's something fucking *crap* about paper runs. I can so picture you doing that.

Man I wish I grew up in your street. We'd have had shitloads of fun trying to find new places to dump that shit.


bulging_boy 50M

6/8/2006 4:14 pm

    Quoting chasingfun27:
    Would've been great on video - You, dressed in your Brownies uniform, waving your arms, screaming your head off, while being pursued by a couple of jack russells.

    Nothing like the jobs you hold as a kid to learn necessary life skills. I would never have learnt to pilfer, and consume, such vast quantities of food if it wasn't for a major supermarket chain.
LOL Chasing ya twat.

I can't remember what kind of dogs they were to be honest, but they were vicious fuckers.


bulging_boy 50M

6/8/2006 4:28 pm

    Quoting rm_MariGrrl:
    The worst thing about it was that I was in high school and there was this really hot college cutie that worked in the dept next to the snack stand. Kinda difficult to give off flirty vibes with a giant cardboard mug of root beer on your head.
Depends Mari,

Was he in the delicatessen? He probably had a large salami on the bill of his.

Of course that would probably have made it worse.

LOL


bulging_boy 50M

6/8/2006 4:30 pm

    Quoting 1000ft_above:
    Your not alone, obviously. Yep, I had one too...paper route that is.

    Actually it wasn't even my route, I just filled in for a friend. I had perks on this route though. One hot chick..always showered with her window open. I don't think she owned a towel either, cuz she never had one on.

    Ahhh, the good old days. I guess I'm either an optomist and saw only the good in it then, or I was just really fuckin' lucky!
Dude!

If that had been my paper run. There is NO way in hell I'd have made it past that window.


FeistySyn 53F

6/8/2006 8:53 pm

When I was 13 I wanted a paper route but there was none available in my area, so they put me on the list to fill in when some other (very smart) kid took a "vacation" from his or her route... I filled in for a week, and hated every single minute of it... those fucking papers weighed a TON, even on my bike! ... and don't even get me started on the Sunday paper... OMG!!! ... I guess I did a good job, because they kept calling and I kept ducking their calls... and finally they even offered me my own route... I said no way... I could make more money recycling glass bottles than I was going to make busting my ass every single day of the week at the crack of dawn (it's an ugly fucking crack, always has been... clearly, I am NO morning person)...

btw... I vented on my blog and it's all YOUR fault.

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?
~~~~~


bulging_boy 50M

6/8/2006 11:19 pm

    Quoting FeistySyn:
    When I was 13 I wanted a paper route but there was none available in my area, so they put me on the list to fill in when some other (very smart) kid took a "vacation" from his or her route... I filled in for a week, and hated every single minute of it... those fucking papers weighed a TON, even on my bike! ... and don't even get me started on the Sunday paper... OMG!!! ... I guess I did a good job, because they kept calling and I kept ducking their calls... and finally they even offered me my own route... I said no way... I could make more money recycling glass bottles than I was going to make busting my ass every single day of the week at the crack of dawn (it's an ugly fucking crack, always has been... clearly, I am NO morning person)...

    btw... I vented on my blog and it's all YOUR fault.
You mean I made you post?

Wooohooooo!


rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
6/9/2006 1:53 am

I'm glad you all enjoyed laughing at my expense.

But really, if you think about it...

Having the mental picture of you screaming like a girl is really kind of an upgrade.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


bulging_boy 50M

6/9/2006 2:09 am

an upgrade?

Christ! I really don't want to know what you thought *before* that.


FeistySyn 53F

6/9/2006 9:13 pm

I forgot to ask... WTF is a "travelator" ... ya foreign wankker.. translate for us dumb Americans for fucks sake...

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?
~~~~~


bulging_boy 50M

6/10/2006 2:59 am

    Quoting FeistySyn:
    I forgot to ask... WTF is a "travelator" ... ya foreign wankker.. translate for us dumb Americans for fucks sake...
Fucks sake Feisty,

They're like an escalator only they help people move through corridors faster. You typically find them at airports between customs and the departure gates.


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