Spray painting for beginners  

bulging_boy 50M
4912 posts
11/23/2005 1:17 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Spray painting for beginners

I know I know...

What is it about food based jokes that I like?

No idea.

This one though, did have me laughing for ages.

See... I started out my long and varied career in electronics. As such I began as a lowly apprentice.

You know... the one that gets bent over the bench on a friday night so everyone else doesn't have to pay for sex? Yeah. That was me.


I do miss those days.

Anyway... not much happened during my entry period. Which was cool. Didn't mean that the next intake were going to get off.

No way!

I mean. It's not *my* fault the previous ones were lacking in creativity is it?


Anyway. We had this new kid start and he was really green. In fact if he was any greener, Bob Marley would have rolled the fucker up and smoked him.

Yeah mon. Jah to dat brudda.

When you went to school did you take sandwiches? He did. I don't know if it's a kiwi thing or not... but did you ever have baked bean sandwiches? I know I did, and I quite liked them as well. If you did, then you'd know that occasionally an overcooked bean became a bit hard.

Ok... back to the story.

He came in to work and we took the piss. Which was mandatory, you understand. When he wasn't looking we checked his lunch. We weren't gonna spit in it. That would be wrong. I guess we were just curious. Having left our packed lunch days behind ages ago.

We were in the earning we can afford to waste money on takeaways mindset.

Baked beans. Not only baked beans but a big 2 litre bottle of Cherry Cola or summit like that. It was American and it was strange.

And that was that. Until about 30 minutes later when I saw him in the workshop drinking it.

Oh man! That stuff will give you the shits. I know someone who drank that and they had the shits for ages.

Of course you can imagine the negative feedback to my advice. Fucks sake! I was being nice!!

Lucky for me... and him. There was a chemist across the road. And *this* is where the divine intervention comes in. I went in there and asked for some laxatives.

Sure... but we only have these little tablets. They're orange and you have to chew them.

Dear God. Thank you!

I paid and I was just about to get my arse back to work when I noticed the pool supplies shop next door. I went in and asked for some of that liquid that you use to test pH levels.

After getting a bottle, I floated back to the office.

In a quiet period with noone around, I opened his sandwiches and poured a few into each. Then I reassembled them and popped them back into his bag.

Once that was done I opened the bottle of cola and poured some of the pH tester into it.

and then went back to work.

At lunch, we were all sitting in the lunchroom and I *again* mentioned the shitting due to cola warning, and upped the ante by mentioning the pissing blood as well.

Midway through the afternoon there was a loud scream from the toilets and he came out looking like a ghost.

He went home early and the next day we asked how he was.

See? We are compassionate.

He said that he was better.

But by fuck! You were right about that drink.

saddletrampsk 55F

11/23/2005 2:14 pm

You're an evil asshole..

rm_DaphneR 59F
8023 posts
11/23/2005 3:09 pm

Oh, that is just evil. Laugh. And yeah, baked bean sandwiches must just be a kiwi thing

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

bulging_boy 50M

11/23/2005 4:07 pm

LOL Saddle,

I *may* be an evil asshole, but his woulda been burning like hell.

bulging_boy 50M

11/23/2005 4:10 pm

LOL Daph

Apparently he was up all night sitting down.

The eye of a needle wouldn't have been a problem for him.

anchcpl4fun 42M/45F

11/23/2005 5:53 pm

OMFG you just wrong, tell me you told him the truth later. lmfao....

bulging_boy 50M

11/23/2005 9:49 pm

anch sweetie,

I'd be lying if I said I did.


Somehow I just couldn't

rm_sj365 57F
2414 posts
11/23/2005 9:55 pm

I'm sorry..I read:

"bent over the bench on a friday night"... "the next intake"... "a kiwi thing"..."a bit hard"..."behind ages ago"..."I was being nice!!"..."Lucky for me... and him"..."you have to chew them"... "Dear God. Thank you!"..."I was just about to get my arse"..."a loud scream"..."he came".."fuck!"

*blink* what was this post about again?

bulging_boy 50M

11/24/2005 12:56 am


I've heard of selective hearing, but that was the first bit of selective *reading* I have ever seen!

bardicman 51M

11/24/2005 3:28 am

Evil Bastage....
I like.

I am not dead yet

bulging_boy 50M

11/24/2005 6:23 am

LOL Bard

I liked too!


rm_Mzhineyhole 37F
138 posts
11/24/2005 6:58 am

Hmmmmm, you are an evil one arent you.

I kinda got a little moist thinking about your evilness.

I wish you were a lesbian.

1023 posts
11/24/2005 9:24 am

FFS! Bulge, if I ever win the lotto, I'm transplanting you here for to train me in the art of dirty trickery. And tell Hienyhole you already are a lesbian, also that she must've worked hard on picking out her handle.

bulging_boy 50M

11/24/2005 11:36 am

Mzhiney, you really are a mystery

I love that you were affected thhat way. My stomach fluttered when I read that.

As far as being a lesbian? The viking is right I'm afraid.

As cliched as it sounds... the fun I would have in a female body.

You'd help I'm sure

bulging_boy 50M

11/24/2005 11:40 am


I stand ready to teach you in the ancient art of...

Jedi shit stirring and mischeviousness

She knows

MisterPriapus 58M
6980 posts
11/24/2005 2:21 pm


I am amazed, nay, awed by the remarkable restraint you showed in passing along such a long-winded story that so prominently involved the "musical fruit" without the least asside to farting and/or following thru!

It was either that, or there weren't relevant methanogenesis incidents...

PS: LMAO You're a demonic rat-bastard!



Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.

And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!



impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
11/24/2005 7:30 pm

Better watch out sweetie...you know karma always bites you in the ass for stuff like that.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

silkysmoothlegs3 106F

11/25/2005 2:49 am



Slaps your ass HARD


Love silky x

bulging_boy 50M

11/25/2005 4:00 am

Mr P,

Well fortunately I wasn't present for the unavoidable trouser spray but was briefly briefed on such events the following day.

It amazed me he had the strength to get to work, unless as hollowed and withered that he was... he caught a slight nor' easterly to work.

Rat bastard huh?


bulging_boy 50M

11/25/2005 4:07 am

Hi Pixie,

Wow! I dunno why I'm getting the bad here. I was doing him a karmic favour after all.

I mean when you think about it... nothing is gonna be biting him on the arse for a *very* long time.

See? I still care

bulging_boy 50M

11/25/2005 4:08 am

Sorry Silky,

I'm a bit hard of hearing...

Could you do that *again* please?


rm_luke69iner 49M
3275 posts
11/25/2005 9:32 pm

Fucking beautiful ... I'm almost moved to tears

Use Visine eye drops to make people puke

S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo

bulging_boy 50M

11/25/2005 10:25 pm


Really Luke? Really?

I'm sooooo gonna do that!

Email me directions please


rm_luke69iner 49M
3275 posts
11/27/2005 1:58 am

You've got to be really careful with the Visine thing because you can seriously injure someone

No more than 2-5 drops for a healthy adult. It doesn't always work. It works best for drunks. Or so I've heard.

The active ingredient in Visine eye drops is Tetrahydrozoline HCl 0.05%. Swallowing this substance can result in a number of nasty effects, including:

Low temperature
Difficulty breathing
No breathing
Constricted or dilated pupils
Blurred vision
Blue lips and fingernails
Nausea and vomiting
Rapid heartbeat
Elevated blood pressure (initially)
Low blood pressure (later)

The no breathing takes a little humor out of it if you just intended it as a prank.

S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo

rm_LilBlondeNZ 41F
1028 posts
11/28/2005 11:00 am

"It was American and it was strange."

I hear that all the time....


bulging_boy 50M

11/28/2005 2:29 pm

LOL Luke,

Just the no breathing?

Good God man. Coma? Seizures?


Unbelieveable. And we put that shit in our eyes?

bulging_boy 50M

11/28/2005 2:30 pm

LOL Blonde

You really need to lose the chicken then

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