Joke Of The Day  

bpgem 62M
30 posts
4/12/2005 4:46 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Joke Of The Day

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I
hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits
out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane.

She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."


bpgem 62M

4/12/2005 4:51 pm

How To Shower Like a Woman;-

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with added

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner .

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 3 minutes until
glowy pink.

Wash entire rest of body with gingerbread sugar scrub.

Rinse conditioner out of hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Get dressed.

How To Shower Like a Man;-

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife/girlfriend along the way, shake dick at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your dick and scratch your balls.

Get in the shower. Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.


Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of
tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife/girlfriend, pull off towel, shake dick at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Get dressed.


bpgem 62M

4/13/2005 6:23 pm

A blonde walks by a travel agency & notices a sign in the window: "Cruise Special - $599".

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter & says, " I'd like the $599 Cruise Special, please."

The agent says, "Yes ma'am", grabs her & drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door & downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in & sends her floating down river.

A 2nd blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, & asks for the $599 special. She, too is tied to the inner tube & sent floating down the river.

Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the 1st blonde. They float side by side for a while before the 1st blond asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The 2nd blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

(Sorry all you blonde babes. Couldn't resist

bpgem 62M

4/13/2005 7:58 pm

Jack goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks Jack, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in the army."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

Jack says, "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells Jack, "OK I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at
10:00 AM."

Jack is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 to 4 then why do you want me to come in at 10AM"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first
two hours we sit around scratching our point in you
coming in for that."

bpgem 62M

4/15/2005 9:36 am

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner.

But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other than himself.

Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian.

Saint Peter asked the many why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian.

The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still eat all the pussy I can AND I can hit from the red tees!"

bpgem 62M

4/16/2005 11:25 am

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 10 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:40."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back
the next week.

She smiled and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:40."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning
desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 10 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some
petty gamesmanship on her part.

Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.
From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his 'you-know-what' was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls
on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm ten minutes late."

bpgem 62M

4/16/2005 11:26 am

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.

The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $5 or so, I think."

"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest, Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

bpgem 62M

4/17/2005 7:31 pm

1.. My girlfiend and I broke up over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up 3000 times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for... Will Rogers.

bpgem 62M

4/22/2005 11:21 pm

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your pin number on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone in business manner.

8. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

9. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

11. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

12. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

13. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

14. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

16. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

17. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

18. You are too busy to notice there was no #7 on this list!

19. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #7 on this list.

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