Why Do Men Hate to Return Phone Calls?  

bipolybabe 56F
10715 posts
8/13/2006 7:03 am

Last Read:
8/18/2006 7:36 am

Why Do Men Hate to Return Phone Calls?

Okay, I have a confession about a problem that has resulted in my giving up on the last three "relationships" with men I met through this site. And in being ready to give up on men in general.

After the first heady weeks when they called me back within minutes or hours, the *@!!#@*s didn't return my phone calls or reply to emails when I called to set up sex dates. It's not that they never did reply. It's that they replied after I was already hot under the collar. So, when they finally did call, I was upset.

I know that men enjoy talking to an upset woman as much as they do a visit to the tampon aisle in grocery stores.

What I don't understand is why they let it get to that point. In each case, I was very clear up front about my need for communication. In fact, my last partner actually agreed to my [post 307824] before we began having sex together, which states that he will reply within 24 hours.

This Proclamation also states, "I will renegotiate this agreement as needed."

I didn't write this up in order to find fault or to put a noose around a man's neck but to make clear that I need communication. I know what happens to me in the absence of communication. I invent what's going on his head to the detriment of our relationship. In effect, I get mad about what I think he's thinking and about all the reasons I assume he's not calling me back.

It's dumb, I know, but that's why I ask for a return phone call or email so I don't begin assuming he does not want to see me ever again. And, I've discovered once one begins asking about that, it tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When asked why he didn't call, my last partner said, "I didn't want to have to check in."

"Well, great, why didn't you say that and request to renegotiate?" I asked. He had no answer for that one. I don't think he wanted to end the relationship. In fact, I don't think any of the three really wanted that. They wanted more space and weren't willing to make a call and say, "Hey, babe, too busy to talk. Can I call ya in a week or two when things calm down?"

That would really have been okay...as long as he did call me a week or two. Because, for me, this is something that builds my trust in a man's integrity, that he does what he says he'll do. Or destroys my ability to trust him. And, if I can't trust him, do I feel comfortable opening my body or my heart to him? No way.

So, I'm asking you...

Is it just men from this site? Is it just this way in casual sexual relationships? Or do all men hate to be asked to call back? Why? And is there a better way for me to get my need for communication met?

(c) 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe


BPB

Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!



wickedeasy 68F  
31321 posts
8/13/2006 7:16 am

D calls me every night at 10 - if he doesn't i fret. and like you, i go places in my head that are WAY WAY beyond the ken.

he is beginning to understand that this isn't some type of punishment but a simple way to continue the power of our connection.

interesting side bar
i send him an email every morning - silly things, romantic things, sometimes just "good morning my love"
when work precludes it, or i just can't find a free second and i don't send one, i get an email saying "where's my morning email"

so,,,,,,,,,they need it too. my mama would say, if they make you wait, make them wait.

i don't get the angst about calling. but if someone doesn't follow through, then you don't get the support you need. so pffffffffffft

You cannot conceive the many without the one.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:08 am:
Maybe I can add calling-angst or limerence to my list of addictions.

Hope you have a lovely, or at least bearable time, out there in the real world.

BPB

absolutelynormal 57F
6563 posts
8/13/2006 7:20 am

If you're like me, there is some anxiety in waiting for these return phone calls. I will start thinking things like, if this were important to him he would call back right away...read as, if I were important to him, he'd call back right away. It deflates my ego when he doesn't call right away. This is about you and your expectations, not about the guy who is supposed to call back when YOU want. Lower your expectation a tiny bit. This is your perfectionism showing through, also some codependent behavior... ie, thinking things would be perfect "if only" he would do what I want. If a man doesn't call me back, it's very hard for me not to call him. What is the message in not calling me? He's not interested. Good luck with this, Mac


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:09 am:
I resented hearing that my behavior is codependent, but I took a look at what codependency is, and, yep, you nailed it.

Wrote a new blog about it.

Thanks!

BPB

VCF1962 106F

8/13/2006 7:32 am

I keep it simple - you wanna meet, you keep in touch. No phone call, no e mail, no meet up !

I send a mail, you've been online here and don't reply - bye bye. I figure you have time to trawl the site then you have time to write. I've given up fretting and worrying - I've done it too often and it gets me nowhere other than stressed.

I'm not prepared to settle for second best, nor accept being second best (unless it's to kids - that's different). You want to be part of my life then you keep in touch - e mail, phone or text message. Not saying every day, but enough to maintain my interest !

Mistress Innuendo
Taking what you say and turning it into something naughty !!


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:10 am:
"Just say no" to worry and stress.

Thanks!

BPB

AstirRelicLatah 66M
1993 posts
8/13/2006 7:47 am

It's not just Men...It's also women...and it's not just about sex...it's about every person I deal with...Some keep their commitments and some don't...

I've also gotten used to it and long ago decided that if I want to get what I want, then I'll have to pursue...It's sort of likes sales 99% perspiration, 1% inspiration....

Having said all of that, I find it really, really, really, really annoying that people who I have a relationship with don't return phone calls or emails on a timely basis...it's just common courtesy.

There's a fellow named Dan Sullivan who says to be referable you need to do three things - show up on time, do what you say you're going to do and say please and thank you...I think that's a good way to live.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:11 am:
I'd add to Dan Sullivan's suggestions this from "The Four Agreements":

Don't take things personally.

It's one life lesson I have to keep learning. It's usually not me. It's what is going on with the other person.

BPB

libgemOH 57M/53F

8/13/2006 7:54 am

All you have to do is find someone who loves the sound of their own voice!!!

It's a control thing I think..... I think your last partner's words, "I didn't want to have to check in" says it all. And this tends to be true in non casual relationships as well.

The other possibility is my own problem...insecurity. I'm scared to contact people most of the time, present company included because I don't want to intrude or interrupt their lives.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:14 am:
Yeah, I think I'll go seek out some radio announcers who will call me back as long as I tape them.

And, you needn't worry about intruding with a call to this present company. I am very direct, as you might imagine, and I'll tell you if it's a bad time. And then I will call you back

BPB

Mr_sweetness 46M
2599 posts
8/13/2006 8:23 am

I figure some men are to chicken shit to call back, they are man enough to have sex and get there rocks off, but not man enough to call back or let the gal know he is not interested or what ever it may be... if you are not interested i say be a man and tell the lady do not be a chicken shit and not bother to call back...But i have not realy had a chance as to were i had to call a lady back HUUUUGGGGSSSSS for you Sunshine...Peace, love and happiness

Peace, cause there is to much violence and blood shed in the world!!

Love, cause there is to much hate in the world!!

Happiness, cause it feels good and life is to short to be mean and unhappy all the time!!


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:29 am:
Here's dedicating my next orgasm to your finding a lady who wants to have you call her back.

BPB

rm_babyboomer26 68M
898 posts
8/13/2006 8:28 am

I have a theory about this. When we were adolescents, the boys had to screw up the courage to make that first phone call to a girl, terrified of being rejected. Meanwhile, girls hung around hoping against hope the phone would ring.

Many of these feelings carried over into adulthood. Men still feel angst regarding the telephone and women just can't wait to answer it!

Boomer


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:31 am:
Perhaps we need to do some behavior mod training, then, with men to get them past that shaky feeling while picking up the phone, create a more positive association.

Do you suppose, just thinking out loud here, that if I sucked his cock while he picked up the phone to call me it might work?

BPB

liptrip4u 48F

8/13/2006 8:36 am

    Quoting VCF1962:
    I keep it simple - you wanna meet, you keep in touch. No phone call, no e mail, no meet up !

    I send a mail, you've been online here and don't reply - bye bye. I figure you have time to trawl the site then you have time to write. I've given up fretting and worrying - I've done it too often and it gets me nowhere other than stressed.

    I'm not prepared to settle for second best, nor accept being second best (unless it's to kids - that's different). You want to be part of my life then you keep in touch - e mail, phone or text message. Not saying every day, but enough to maintain my interest !
I totally agree with you I couldnt have said it better!

I hope people reading my page have read your response.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:32 am:
All I can say is...let 'em know what it is you want them to know about how to get it on with you successfully.

It doesn't necessarily work to be so direct, but it can't hurt!

BPB

angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
8/13/2006 8:37 am

You got some great answers here. I think it all boils down to the difference in the way men and women think. Just this morning, I was livid with my husband. When he is sound asleep.....I wouldn't think of waking him up. I'm a very poor sleeper....and this morning....blessings of blessings....I was sound asleep at 7am. At which time my husband decided to hop on the bed to say good morning. Now......we had no where to be....and I was asleep, really asleep for the first time in a week! He just doesn't understand! At all!


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:33 am:
Humph. Men. Waking you up when you don't want it. Not calling when you do.

I think I'll go ride my horse again. He is always there when I need him.

BPB

BlueEyedSoul65 52M
1027 posts
8/13/2006 8:41 am

Sorry it's not been going well for you, but to be blunt (and apologies in advance)it would appear they were looking for sex and nothing else, and any agreement beforehand as to your communication needs were simply smiles and nods until they got what they want.
I know it's difficult to find real communication, but I think that's the key. Without it even the most intense sexual liasons lose their appeal after a while. I don't know you so I won't presume anything further except to say I hope things work out better for you next time.
I have no idea what the tampon hang-up is all about btw. I'd be more embarrassed if I had to buy atheletes foot cream or something like that. At least it means you have a girlfriend or lady in your life after all.


bipolybabe replies on 8/13/2006 9:39 am:
I get what you're saying about men will say anything to get sex, but even in that context, not calling makes no sense. Do men not realize that the greatest effort is in getting a woman to say "yes" the first time and that the benefits of better sex are to be gained as you develop trust with one another?

The time investment of one phone call to say "I'm thinking of you, don't have much time now but would like to see you again in the future" is the hand stamp for re-admission. It builds trust.

But, one of the things I've wondered about is why it's much more attractive to men to win a woman into bed the first time and not nearly as exciting after that, when I know that the actual sex gets better over time (usually 'til it peaks and then drops off). In all three of these situations, we had had really great sex at least three times. One guy did complain that we fucked so long, he couldn't function at work the next day, but he wasn't complaining in the moment

Do you suppose it comes down to ease of orgasm? I've heard men say, "I've never had a bad orgasm" and men can pretty much come no matter what. Women generally need more relaxation, trust, time and stimulation to reach orgasm.

What do you think?

BPB

lookingforfun54 61M
86 posts
8/13/2006 8:49 am

It is called common courtesy (something that has become quite lacking in this new age we life). But Skier is right, it goes both ways....


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:34 am:
I want to name myself head of the manners police.

Will you second my nomination?

BPB

sophia4u2no 50F

8/13/2006 8:54 am

I think a lot of women have issues with the phone call thing, I too was one of those that began to try to second guess why he wasn't calling making it something epic instead of the truth which was usually 1. a ball game was on, or, 2. Went out to a ball game with friends. lol, and I would have him plotting and planning how he was going to avoid me, minds are dangerous things, howeever, common courtesy is to return or acknowledge the call, unless you are calling 50 times a day, thats called stalking. If he isn't calling back he doesn't want to, too many fish in the sea to worry about one that can't dial or type .


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:35 am:
What if I happen to be attracted to Neanderthals who can't dial or type?

Just kidding. I get the point. Thanks!

BPB

rm_DharmicDawn 67M

8/13/2006 9:04 am

I know that men enjoy talking to an upset woman as much as they do a visit to the tampon aisle in grocery stores.

Is there any other kind of woman? (I personally enjoy the feminine hygiene aisle and ask other lady shoppers what they recommend)

In fact, my last partner actually agreed to my Polyamorous Proclamation before we began having sex together, which states that he will reply within 24 hours.

Did he have a time card and a note from his mommy?

This Proclamation also states, "I will renegotiate this agreement as needed."

Now, this is peculiar as it sounds like a pre-nupt to litigation as opposed to a relationship. I hope you had his signature notarized.

Is it just men from this site?

No.

Is it just this way in casual sexual relationships?

It doesn't have to be but my experience has been the less moving parts, the less that can wrong. Maybe you should rethink your contracts and criteria as making something simple more complex.

Or do all men hate hate to be asked to call back?

Being asked is one thing but being demanded or contingent on something is a different matter.

Why?

Men, generally, have to work harder at their interpersonal verbal skills which most women, generally, are very good at. Even when all skills are equal, men communicate for information while women communicate for expression.

It's not our fault....it's goes back when we started walking upright after being Bonzo's. Men, as hunters, just needed to know the basics -silence during the hunt being one of them - to bring home the tenderloin. Women, however, as collectors of nuts and berries did so in groups and just gabbed away as a means of group safety and personal security.

Give it some thought. Some things are just innate to gender differences which is not all bad.

D.D.

And is there a better way for me to get my need for communication met?


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:36 am:
Yeah, it's just my luck that I, who talk in my sleep, am attracted to men who are just learning to speak.

BPB

spacecadet561 61M

8/13/2006 9:32 am

I have other stories of why I don't often bother calling.

Girlfriend #2 worked nights, tended to sleep until she "naturally" woke up. If I called and she was still abed her mother would often wake her because "she should be up by now". That tended over time to discourage me from calling.

The wife all too often winds up napping in her recliner in the afternoon, so if I call to tell her I'll be late getting home it disturbs her nap and annoys her. So, I don't call and that's that.

SpaceCadetรน


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:38 am:
The thing is, I want to be disturbed from my sleep by someone I love.

So, I'll keep looking for the one who wants to disturb me in the nicest way possible.

BPB

MOfunNOWWOW 56F

8/13/2006 9:35 am

This is the truth. I know this to be fact. This is an absolute and there are very few things that are an absolute with me. I have extremely good luck with men.
1. First and foremost. Men will agree to anything while the chase is fresh.
2. Men will not keep their word unless they are very interested in you.
3. Men will break their neck to keep their word if they are very interested in you.
4. Men will go above and beyond their word and any agreement and your expectations if they are very interested in you.
5. If they are not that interested in you....you must be very interested in them and be will to put up with anything they are willing to toss your way.
6. Fuck being will to put up with anything...there is much sand on the beach and too many that are very interested.
7. Make it heaven on earth
8. Heaven resides beween my legs
9. Anyone that has been there knows this
10. Takes a lot to make me very interested and won't agree to anything unless I am

MO's absolute truths

Just my two cents and I know for certain I live it and love and know certain You of all woman could run circles around it


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:38 am:
Thanks, Mo. Your 10 Truths are, well, true.

And, that is one hella hot picture.

BPB

rm_imtheone42 75M
485 posts
8/13/2006 9:41 am

I`m cracking up over the line about men visiting the tampon aisle in the grocery store. Sorry...I know that wasn`t the focus of your blog but for some reason I couldn`t get past that line.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:39 am:
Good. If I made you laugh, and if I can laugh at myself, I am happy.

BPB

SmartType 53F

8/13/2006 10:25 am

BPB, it seems to me that the contract thing is an issue -however I'm sure this is a literary expectation. It is an expectation nonetheless, which I totally share. Manners are manners are manners are manners. If you are no longer inclined to play in a relationship - just fucking say so. Not that I'm a saint about this, but I do try to tell someone up front 95% of the time. I've nipped several 'relationships' here in the bud because the guy did not call within an appropriate amount of time (3-5 days for me). NO ONE is that bizzy not to at least drop an email, vm, or text. What's hilarious - is that we can see when we are online!!! durrr - like there's time to do that? If I don't hear from him in a timely manner- sayonara.

Chin up BPB, but it's so totally true - if you don't hear from a guy - he's just not that into you. Hugs,

Smart.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:40 am:
Dang! I hate hearing "he's just not that into you" even when I know it's true. Or maybe because I know it's true.

BPB

TXBITCH2006 50F

8/13/2006 10:30 am

I agree with you. However, it's not just about common courtesy for me. It's also about respect. For me, it's not about controlling somebody or keeping tabs on them. If I don't receive a phone call, then I get worried that something may have happened to them. When I finally do talk to them and they say "oh, I was just busy", well that makes me angry. Have enough respect for me to return a phone call, email or im.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:42 am:
It's so interesting that the consensus from women is "he's just not that into you" while men have all these reasons. I do believe that this phoning/checking in this is a big deal between men and women.

Thanks for chiming in!

BPB

PurplePeach72 45F  
9199 posts
8/13/2006 10:38 am

I have found it is a two way street. I have been very disappointed in not getting those simple little short, hey, how are you, was thinking about you, phone calls. It doesn't have to be about anything. Just the fact that the thought was there means so very much too me. It just says something about where I fit in the picture, where I rate in your priorities.
steve

colcouple4f00

Kisses,
LA


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:43 am:
Yeah, I wanna rate up there with the necessity of peeing. Go pee, call me.

BPB

wildokiewoman 46F
30 posts
8/13/2006 11:40 am

I can speak from personal experience and say, I have had the same, fuck buddy, casual sex partner, whatever u want to call it for almost 7 years now, off and on. Off when one of us in a monogomous relationship, ON when we aren't. It took some time to understand, we are both busy adults and it isn't that we don't want to see each other or that the sex isn't good, we just both have busy lives and jobs. Now, we call just to chat, not for long, but it lets the other know we think about them. The sex gets better and better as time passes, so I can tell u, sometimes it is more in ur mind than them not wanting to see you again or not thinking about you. The agreement (it would seem to me) makes it seem more like a commitment (ewwwwwww) than just a casual sex relationship. My apologies if that seems rude!!!


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:06 am:
Yeah, I guess I'm looking for a hybrid, sort of half-way between total commitment and totally casual. Don't know if such a thing is possible.

Thanks for your comments.

BPB

IamWetFire 53F

8/13/2006 11:45 am

Nothing new I can add. I agree. Keep in touch--and often--or my yoni is closed for renovations until further notice. No exceptions.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:05 am:
My yoni hasn't learned that lesson yet.

BPB

rm_lefever3 53M/55F
16 posts
8/13/2006 12:03 pm

we have been in same spot, some call back an others don`t ,lots like to play games on here ,thats why we just tell what we want ,an then fallow threw,been at it for a while so we an weed out the games an the real,just be straight with every one an you won`t get games back,lol


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:04 am:
Yes, why would anyone want to play games when there are such nice games we can play together?

BPB

pictureunaked 57M

8/13/2006 12:30 pm

I think that it is most difficult for men to communicate things that they think a woman doesn't want to hear. In fact, there are several things that I'm about to write that I think you don't really want to hear, and by doing so, I'm going against my gut instinct. But in the name of honest communication, here goes

First, there is a difference between needs and desires. I don't come to this site to get my needs met. I try not to look to anyone other than myself to meet my own needs, and I'm not looking to take on anyone else's needs. I look at your needs as your problem-- fix it yourself. That may be harsh, but why should I be so concerned with what's going on in your head when I'm off living my life?

I think that you're asking too much. If you're looking for love, that's different-- just say so. But on this site, most people are looking for no strings attached fun-- nothing more. And asking someone to agree to a set of rules is definitely NOT no strings attached.

I. personally, don't have a girlfriend because I don't want one. I don't want to have the obligatory conversations about nothing-- "How was your day?" "Fine." "What did you have for dinner?" "Burrito." "Burrito again?" "Yep." AAAAAGGGGHHH! You call that communication? No thanks! I say, give them the gift of missing you.

You say you don't understand why men let it get to the point where you're pissed off-- as though they have their hand on your mood lever. You need to look at yourself. Your mood is your mood, it's not his mood that he's inflicted upon you to wear. Why do you get pissed off? Is it just insecurity? Isn't that your problem? Don't you realize that insecurity and neediness are big turn-offs? Would you really like a man who needed to talk to you every day and needed to be constantly reassured of how you feel about him?

And, for those that say they can see if someone has been on the site so they know they have time to reply to a message-- that's not necessarily true. I will sometimes use this site as a quick diversion while I am otherwise occupied. For example, while I'm printing out a document that takes a few minutes. Because I spend a few minutes browsing AdultFriendFinder doesn't mean I have the time or ATTENTION it takes to give you a thoughtful reply to your e-mail.


bipolybabe replies on 8/13/2006 12:38 pm:
It's pretty darned interesting because the responses fall pretty much down gender lines.

The men say, "It's your problem. Deal with it."

The women say, "He's not that into you. Forget him."

This is at the heart of why men and women find it so hard to get together. And, I don't resent your honesty. I appreciate your opinion even if you're saying something you think I don't want to hear.

I appreciate honesty.

BPB

ShaneLiveLife 51M

8/13/2006 12:30 pm

Life can be so complicated without ....

.......... honesty about your expectations

.......... and respect for your partner's expectations

my rules - KISS ......

Live with passion !


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:03 am:
Gotcha. Thanks.

BPB

tantriss_lover 44F

8/13/2006 12:49 pm

Perhaps it's because, "romantic love" is an addiction!


pictureunaked 57M

8/13/2006 1:28 pm

It's pretty darned interesting because the responses fall pretty much down gender lines.

The men say, "It's your problem. Deal with it."

The women say, "He's not that into you. Forget him."


_____________________________________________________

"He's not that into you" is the same as "He's not willing to take on your problems as his own."

As one previous (female) poster noted, if a guy is really, really into you, he'll take on your problems. But from my experience, that eventually goes sour. It may take years, but if a woman expects a guy to put up with her insecurities and various issues in exchange for access to her pussy, he'll eventually find easier game. Or at least different game with different problems that seem easier at the time...

The flip side is also true-- a woman may put up with a man's problems for a while, in exchange for the security he provides, but she'll eventually tire of it.

Our problems are our own to fix.


bipolybabe replies on 8/13/2006 7:36 pm:
As you might imagine, I'm going to disagree with you. I believe that we humans have needs. I need sex. I need companionship. I need food. I need laughter. I don't expect someone else to meet all my needs. And needs fluctuate and change.

But, I do expect that if someone (a friend, a lover, a child, even) cares about me, he or she is happy to contribute to my life in a positive way and help me get my needs met. My children rub my back to help me release stress when I'm driving. I don't ask for it. They are happy to do it because they know it gives me pleasure.

I would hope that someone I would choose as a lover, someone I would let into my heart, would genuinely want to contribute to making my life a little happier. Because I know I would like to contribute to making his life happier. If he needed help moving a sofa or calling the ceiling repair person or if he wanted to be reassured about my feelings about him, I'd be happy to meet those needs.

I don't consider myself a "needy" person. I'm pretty happy all on my own. I'm fixing my own problems, as you suggest, but in relationships with others, I'm willing to speak up for my needs, rather than just expect that the other person knows what I need. My practice of addressing needs comes out of studying non-violent communication (NVC). I've written a bit on it in my blog about "Conflict as a Relationship Builder." The basic point of NVC is that criticism of another is an imperfect expression of an unmet need.

Perhaps the distinction is that you are really talking about feelings, rather than needs. I take responsibility for my own feelings. I don't blame someone else for what I feel. Feelings also change, but feelings can shift based on needs that are either met or not met.

I feel happy if my lover calls me just because he wants to talk to me. I do not feel happy if he calls me because he feels obligated. However, if he has promised to call, I expect him to call or else he has broken his word. Breaking one's word happens all the time. All we can do is clean it up and try again. But, I'm big on living with integrity and doing as I say I will do.

I'm going rollerblading now

BPB

ncfantasyseeker 47F
22 posts
8/13/2006 1:54 pm

Ah BiPoly..... you really are in an emotional stewpot lately. Take a breath honey, ease up.... you have enough men lined up that one guy failing to call should be no more irritating than having to search for your keys.

I do it this way... My life is chaotic and my plans are mostly spur of the moment (wow I have a few hours free, who do I want to fuck?)

I may call/IM/Email...I give it as much time as I have to get a response...usually an hour at most. If I get one..Great...I see if they are free and if not will keep them uppermost in my brain. If I don't...I start seeking a replacement. If I find a replacement and THEN the main guy calls, I simply tell him I was thinking of him but made other plans when I didn't catch him right away.

If they do respond much later..the next day/week whatever..I simply say..."I had a free night and a wet pussy, you took so long getting back to me that I made other plans.."

Now before I get blasted please NOTE:::
I am not playing games.

I am simply not investing my attention in someone who is too busy right now to respond. I spent my teen years waiting for the phone refuse to spend anymore.

If they are that busy...than They do not have time to fuck me right anyway since I like you take HOURS if/when I can. The only time a quickie works for me is when we have a follow up fuck fest in less than 10 hours planned. Otherwise, I WILL find someone within 10 hours to handle it...besides who needs a damn teaser pony?

The result is this:

Every man in my life (there are not THAT many due to time) knows that a call from me is a call to fun either dinner and a play or go karts and dancing..and of course sex, sex, sex....and delay means you watch TV, while NC is having a BLAST with the man who DID answer the phone!

Every man in my life knows my time is pressed and if they wish to see me more than I see others, they better hop right on every oppty. And above all every man knows that NOT calling me means they will not get bitched at...or whined to...but they will not get laid either and run a very big chance that I do not call them again.

It's simple... My expectation is that they accommodate me and that they NEVER expect me to accommodate them. It's why I refuse any serious relationships, I dont have TIME...Kids... Job...Friends...then my sex life in that order.

My Terms are not written but very very clear.

Now...here is my prescription for what ails you.

Call your girlfriends (the ones you don't sleep with) and go play Whack a Mole or Go Karting for the day. Refuse to talk about anything more serious than what to spend your game tickets on..Do Something utterly SILLY and fun and gives you no time for introspection. Have a water balloon fight, color easter eggs..(yes I know it's August but it's FUN)or pick an ugly wall and throw a painting party with non sex partners. ( I love to throw paint at a wall in no order with no art but just lovely chaotic colorful spashes...)

Then 1/2 way through the day...pick up the phone and call the first 2 guys on your list. The first one that answers and is free gets to play with your happy chillin self. If they are both busy, call the next two...in the meantime...laugh...live and never let em see you cry.

Love and orgasms..
NC


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 7:00 am:
Thank you. I went horseback riding and hiking, both of which are medicine for my soul.

BPB

qyxx 61F
3334 posts
8/13/2006 4:11 pm

It has been my experience that men prefer to think that whatever they do is their idea. The whole notion of them knowing the rules beforehand and expecting them to abide by them is not in line with what I have experienced.

It all comes down to this. A man knows that when a woman calls him that he is expected to call back. If he makes the choice not to call back or communicate back in a timely fashion, then he must deal with the consequences. Period.

In my case, its NEXT!!

Q.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 6:58 am:
It's easy to say "Next!!" when one's heart isn't involved. A little harder when it is. But I do know you're right.

If someone is not interested in meeting my needs, for whatever reason, he is just not worth my time.

BPB

BlueEyedSoul65 52M
1027 posts
8/13/2006 4:12 pm

You've certainly had a lot of insightful comments so far. Well I think you're right that most people would realize that sex gets much better as people get to know each other and grow closer, even in terms of polyamorous relationships. You would think this would be a pay-off most men would be willing to invest in, and of course you would because you're an intelligent person that has experienced this. But I think there are many who simply view sex as a sport and about nothing but conquest. Once the conquest is acheived the the thrill is gone and the phone calls to them may represent attempts to pin them down.
I know what you mean about women's orgasms though and that mens do seem to happen with more biological regularity. Sure any orgasm is alright, but compare the ones at the beginning of a relationship to one six months in and there's just no comparison. (if it's a good relationship anyway)
I suppose it all comes down to how to weed through ones potential candidates. I guess we all have to stop and examine our selection process from time to time. Sometimes it just seems more trouble than it's worth.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 6:56 am:
Death to the sportfuckers!

Actually, I think that those who enjoy sex as conquest should be required to go through Sportfucking Training so they do it well.

I don't mind a little healthy sportfucking as long as I get a good ride. Most of the time, though, sportfuckers are too focused on their own damn experience.

BPB

Seriously_Real 49M

8/13/2006 5:08 pm

You know, there's not alot to add. Relationships are complicated, people are complicated, and men in particular can swing between thoughtful and thoughtless. I have no knowledge of that which prompted this last bit, but my thinking is that relationships are complicated and people are complicated and it is hard to know how to do the right thing all the time. Sigh. This is no help....going away now.....

--Seriously


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 6:53 am:
It's easy to know the right thing to do at the right time.

Do what I want when I want it. Simple enough.

The good thing is, I do read and think about other people's perspectives, and I've gained a lot through hearing what others say about this issue of communication between men and women.

BPB

sassy1296 52F

8/13/2006 5:30 pm

Unfortunatly my mind can go to places that are really out of this world.

Asking for a call, email, even a text message is not to much. Many of times it has taken someone a couple of days to get back to me and by than I am angry and have changed my plans.

It takes very little time to make that connection.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 6:52 am:
It takes very little time to connect, but it does require desire on the part of the other person to do so.

BPB

rm_MtnHikr 54M
159 posts
8/13/2006 5:53 pm

I'm not sure how long you've known these other guys. I take it that you live-in friend left? Sorry if that is the case.

Are you perhaps helping them to feel nervous or trapped with so many rules up front? Is this something you are doing to manage your fear of feeling abandoned?

Just wondering...sending you positive thoughts.

MtnHikr


bipolybabe replies on 8/14/2006 2:32 pm:
My live-in friend is out of town. He may be leaving. Who knows?

That's the hard thing for me about dealing with men. Who knows what the hell they're thinking? Do they even know what the hell they're thinking?

The thing is, if you asked a woman at any time what she's thinking or how she feels about x person, she'd be able to tell you. And it would take her 5-10 minutes to fully describe the situation, the long-term implications and what everyone was wearing.

A guy would say, "Will my next potato chip be crispy or not?" (I stole this one from another blogger, maybe frankpicasso, but I'm not sure who it was.)

BPB

rm_quimpie 58M

8/13/2006 7:02 pm

Interested: Call back and say so.
Not interested? Idem.


rm_quimpie 58M

8/13/2006 7:03 pm

Interested: Call back and say so.
Not interested? Idem.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 6:51 am:
Sounds simple. I like that.

BPB

NEsailor 70M

8/14/2006 5:52 am

I don't think it's a gender specific problem.
People just aren't very polite these days regardless of their gender or the relationship.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 6:50 am:
Yeah, where are the manners police when you need them?

BPB

bipolybabe 56F

8/14/2006 2:37 pm

    Quoting rm_MtnHikr:
    I'm not sure how long you've known these other guys. I take it that you live-in friend left? Sorry if that is the case.

    Are you perhaps helping them to feel nervous or trapped with so many rules up front? Is this something you are doing to manage your fear of feeling abandoned?

    Just wondering...sending you positive thoughts.

    MtnHikr
Oh, about the "rules," it may be based partially on fear of abandonment, but mostly spelling out my needs is based on experience of upset. I've been upset in the past because men did not understand my needs, so I've tried to be really clear what my needs are, hoping that men will be honest and say whether they are genuinely interested in providing me with companionship that meets my needs and which does not cause (as much) upset for me.

BPB

BPB

Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!


Mermaidslut 51F

8/15/2006 11:24 am

Perhaps, it is not about communication, it is maybe an issue about control?

If it is about control, the need will manifest in other ways around you until the idea of controlling everything drives you mad...

Structure, is good, but it should bend with the wind or it will snap.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 6:50 am:
Yep. You nailed it.

BPB

PlaynAgain 55F

8/15/2006 5:57 pm

I've been hesitent to comment because I don't know you and don't want to be taken the wrong way. I'm approaching this as if you are really looking for the opinions of others.

There are a number of things that attracted me to your blog and warranted putting you on my watched list, but the top thing was that you know what you want and seem comfortable with who you are. The one thing I didn't see, however, was patience. Forgive me if I've forgotten something you've written but you may have even described yourself that way.

Yes, you are right to know what you want and to try to get it. But there are a couple of things to bear in mind. One is that what the other person wants matters too, and it's very rare for two people to want the exact same thing the exact same way. It may just be a limitation of your writing, but I don't see as much emphasis on what your LIP (for lack of a new term) wanted from a relationship. Could it be that he was too intimidated to make his needs known and just agreed to what you wanted so he'd have a chance at a relationship with you?

The second thing kind of derives from the first. An interpersonal relationship is just that - interaction between people. No matter how hard you try to apply the cold logic of a business deal and plot everything out ahead of time you're still two (or more) people with human failings and emotions stumbling along to get wherever you are going. If every time the "deal" is broken the emotional reaction is too strong, the person "letting you down" may retreat rather than try to express himself. He may also then feel justified in having done whatever pissed you off, that being his defensive emotional reaction to your emotional reaction.

The last thing I would mention is that you've talked a lot about your defenses because you don't want to be hurt. This one I can speak of from personal experience (still dealing with it). If you work so hard to avoid being hurt that you put up walls for protection you can create a self-fullfilling prophecy where your walls drive the person away. It does give you the oportunity to say "see, I was right to protect myself" but it doesn't get you any closer to what you seem to want. To get the joy of the loving relationship you HAVE to be open to the pain that MAY (probably will) come with it. If you try to control everything and predict the outcome you're setting yourself up for failure.

To address the specific topic of your post, there are a few possibilities, and I've seen most of them in the other comments. He could be one that agrees to anything to have access to convenient sex. He could actually be clueless to just how important this is to you. He could be acting in a passive/aggressive way out of resentment of your defensiveness. He could just be over the relationship but not yet sure how to say so. Yes, if you agree to terms you should stick to them or renegotiate them. Yes, most people consider it rude to ignore someone. If he's really someone you love and want to make things work with, this seems like a minor thing to be a deal breaker...

To end a serious comment on a humourous note, I'll refer you to a post by funintheday2006 MEN AND WOMEN A DIFFERENCE (hope I did this right) that illustrates how sometimes you can read too much into something.

"Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain."


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 6:49 am:
Thank you so much for being willing to share your own experience with me. I genuinely appreciate it, and it has given me a new perspective on the issuse.

BPB

rm_corezon 54F
3376 posts
8/18/2006 6:17 am

    Quoting sexydisaster30:
    I have to say that a few things caught my attention here. You say casual relationship, but yet you have a contract. These two things just don't fit together to me......

    I agree that people should call back. I agree that is just common courtesy, but I also agree that a casual relationship should be just that, casual. Asking anyone to agree to a contract is not casual. Not in any kind of relationship.

    I think that your issue here is the lack of common courtesy of a return phone call, but I also think that you might want to reevaluate the thought that your relationships are casual if you are asking them to agree to a contract.
I'm inclined to agree with SD...and Lib and Mo. It would drive me nuts to be expected to check in with anyone within especially that kind of time frame. Sometimes stuff comes up. That means ya gotta be home and/or checking your voicemails within every 24 hour period within enough time to return the call within that timeframe. I am not a telephone person anyhow and it would begin to feel like a ball and chain to me in no time flat no matter how good the sex was. There are many MARRIAGES that fail because of issues like this. I think it's kind of related to personal space, too.

Hot on the chase, men and likely women too will jump through hoops in an initial relationship. But the longer time passes generally the less hot it burns and the less likely the testosterone is going to be fueling the enthusiasm in returning your calls like clockwork. Particularly if neither of you are in an exlusive relationship and have other fish to fry. I don't mean to insult you, but a man that needed me to keep that kind of schedule, I would tend to find overly obsessive and maybe too needy and it would ultimately drive me away unless I was totally bonkers over him. Even the need to formally, "renegotiate" would drive me nuts. Unless I REALLY cared about him, the first couple of times he gave me drama about it I would cut my losses and be out of there, even if I was technically in the wrong.

I suspect that initially they are hot on the chase and think you are not going to be quite that unyielding and formal about it; and ultimately there are some that aren't going to be able to tolerate it, even though they otherwise like you.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 6:48 am:
Thank you. I appreciate your honesty, and I think you've captured--from the outside--the essence of what's going on...stuff that I find it hard to see because I'm too close.

BPB

rm_babyboomer26 68M
898 posts
8/18/2006 7:35 am

bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 10:31 am:
Perhaps we need to do some behavior mod training, then, with men to get them past that shaky feeling while picking up the phone, create a more positive association.

Do you suppose, just thinking out loud here, that if I sucked his cock while he picked up the phone to call me it might work?

BPB


It works for me!

Boomer


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