Nostra-Doom-Us  

bipolybabe 56F
10715 posts
8/1/2006 1:56 pm

Last Read:
8/4/2006 6:52 am

Nostra-Doom-Us

If I'd been a journalist during the 1948 election, I'd not only have predicted that Dewey defeated Truman but that, with the Democratic defeat, the world as we know it would end.

Nostradamos has nothing on me.

Call me Nostra-Doom-Us.

I am Chicken Little crying, "The sky is falling."

I am The Boy Who Cried "The Wolf is eating Grandma."

I am Little Red Riding Hood crying to the kindly woodsman to cut off my own head because I've fallen in love with the wolf.

Uh.

Confused myself with all that.

The bottom line, in the words of Yogi Berra, is "It ain't over 'til it's over."

So, my LIP* (Live-In Penis) and I have decided that we will try to--gently--remind the other when we fall into communication patterns that don't serve us very well and we'll hang in there. Because it's more fun together than apart. Hurray!!! Oh, and because I practice radical honesty, I'm sure that part of the reason to try to work things out is because it is a royal pain to move! Neither of us wants that again!

Here are my questions for you.

How do you choose whether to hang in there or not through rough times? Do you give up because yesterday was a bad day? Do you hang in there 'til you're both miserable? Do you move once once you've found someone else? How do you decide to give up on a relationship?

(c) 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe

*Hopefully you understand that my LIP is a man I love and respect and my choice of a pet name that turns him into an object is a defense mechanism against revealing that I am vulnerable to being hurt by caring about another human being.


BPB

Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!



rm_MtnHikr 54M
159 posts
8/1/2006 3:29 pm

It is difficult to break out of emotional reaction patterns. Usually when the situation reaches an impasse on or the other will shift strategies. I suppose the emotionally mature tactic would be to notice when we are starting to react and not act and stop it all before it gets out of hand.

I'm curious why you call him your "live in penis". Maybe it is just me, but I'd find that term rather demeaning if used in reference to me. As you've mentioned in another post, culture is full of male bashing. Lately I've really become attuned to it. I find that a lot of it simply presses my buttons....and yes, I find that it demeans men. I can't imagine the uproar if the popular culture dared to make fun of women the way they do men.

But, back to my point. Do you call him a "LIP" so as to create some distance with him so as to help you manage polyamory? Does he like the term? Does he call you something similar that refers to your gynecological anatomy? Why is he not just one of your lovers?

Honestly, I'm not being snooty here and don't have an attitude. I'm just curious.

I enjoy reading your articles that you've posted here.

MtnHikr


bipolybabe replies on 8/1/2006 3:54 pm:
Maybe I need to come up with another term that doesn't require an asterisk because I don't mean to demean men or him.

This is at the bottom this blog:

*Hopefully you understand that my LIP is a man I love and respect and my choice of a pet name that turns him into an object is a defense mechanism against revealing that I am vulnerable to being hurt by caring about another human being.

In answer to your question, no, he doesn't really like the nomenclature. For that reason, it's worth coming up with a better name. Ideas?

We are Roommates with (sexual) Benefits who happen to like one another, may even be willing to admit to "love" on a good day, and who are open to seeing what may develop between us, knowing that each of us has a lot of baggage at 40-something and that we have responsibilities that may draw us apart. That's pretty long, which is how I came up with...

LIP (Live-In Penis), because the primary reason we decided to live together was to experiment with an open relationship with a commitment to a 15-minute daily Tantric sexual connection. Living together with gas prices as high as they are, since we both needed to move at the same point, made sense.

So, what would be a better name? I'll create a blog about this in the next few days, so please check back and add to the discussion!

BPB

crazygurl2xx 58F

8/1/2006 3:38 pm

i gave up my marriage when it became clear to me that it was not going to offer me the same satisfaction with life that he was getting from the marriage and that the end of my life seemed to be drawing nearer. then i was done.

i want to die happy.


rm_dosrev 40M
1991 posts
8/1/2006 3:42 pm

Do you have a choice?

Just keep on plugging, something will happen eventually. Shit just works itself out.

"Enough of this palaver, lets get the show on the road!"
"The best thing about a day like that is that it can't get any worse. It was a bad day AND a Monday. The rest of the week has to be better." - Hotandsteamygirl


frangipanigal 46F
10406 posts
8/1/2006 3:50 pm

My theory on this one, if your more sad than happy in a relationship, it's time to move on.

I tried all sorts of things with my Ex to see if we could work through our differences.

Ultimately, I was not happy and knew I never would be, so I left...

Live is too short to be miserable.

Frangi


absolutelynormal 57F
6563 posts
8/1/2006 3:55 pm

I've hung in there when I shouldn't have. I've hung in there when no one else was. I was also the one who didn't know how to communicate effectively so that all of my communication to him sounded like whining or pleading. I, like you was afraid to let him get too near, to know the real me. I've even been characterized as a bitch (not by him) by other people because I had this enormous wall up to keep Mac safe. I thought I was an honest person because I would tell him what I thought, but I never, ever told him how I felt. I didn't know there was a distinction at the time. I always wanted to be right, at the time I would have rather to have been right than to be happy, plus I didn't really know what that was anyway. Just some unsolicited advice, sometimes diplomacy beats total honesty.

Everyone needs a little time to themselves. In the past I have smothered men with "love", when I was actually trying to control the outcome of the relationship. If I treat a man the way I would want to be treated, then we do OK. Slowly I'm learning not to keep things inside until I can't stand it anymore. I'm trying to learn how NOT to project my feelings onto other people. Doesn't always work, but I'm trying. Mac


Rideandfun1000 61M

8/1/2006 4:34 pm

I don't think I can give just one answer to fit all situations. The final push that made me seek a divorce was asking myself, "what would I say to my daughter if she came to me in the same situation and asked me what to do" - the asnwer was immediate "GET OUT". By staying I was teaching her to remain in a miserable relationship, so I got out.

Outside of that, I have ended relationships when I was sure that I did not want to spend the rest of my life with that person. I love and want a close, intimate relationship - but I would rather go it alone than spend my time with the wrong person.

Ride


earthShiva 61M

8/1/2006 4:58 pm

"Which will help me bcome the person I most want to become? Staying in this relationship, or leaving it?"

We usually know the global answer to this question better than we know the answer to all the little questions that feed into it.


bipolybabe replies on 8/1/2006 5:26 pm:
Yep. I know how to leave. I know how to quit.

I don't yet know how to be with another mature human being, accept human frailty and be accepted for being imperfect.

That's becoming the person I want to become. As long as I'm working on that, I'll keep workin' at it.

wickedeasy 68F  
31332 posts
8/1/2006 5:30 pm

there was a therapist i once spent time with who maintained that once having selected a life partner, the work begins. that one partner may not be any better or worse for you but that the amount of effort you are willing to expend in maintaining the relationship is the more decisive factor in its ultimat success or failure

yadayada

i think that i used to leave when i thought they might so i didn't have to be left. then i started to stay and fight but in such a destructive way that they left. now i am trying, very hard, to not only stay, but to stay in a loving and present way that allows for growth and change

damn - guess she had a point

smooches and hubbahubba - spins BPB onto the floor for a happy dance

You cannot conceive the many without the one.


spacecadet561 61M

8/1/2006 6:18 pm

It's brutally simple: 21 years ago I made a set of promises that I'm not yet ready to end, despite what others would consider more than ample provocation. We had 7 good years, and for me at least 14 that have ranged from atrocious to could be a lot better. The trend has been slowly improving for the last few years, but there's still far too much of what she wants done and too little of what I want done.

SpaceCadetรน


rm_sj365 57F
2414 posts
8/1/2006 7:54 pm

hmmm... what disturbs me most about this is the assumption that that something should 'fit right'.
the truth is we either grow into or out of one another & its been my experince that both of these outcomes require similar energy to accomplish. I guess for me there is never a question about which of these endeavors i want to spend my energy on.

for me its about learning to find the beauty in the flaws... first in myself, then others.

to love in spite of, not because of...


economickrisis 56M

8/1/2006 8:50 pm

I usually disect a garden snail and check the condition of its innards. If they are green its time to split; If they look grey I may hang in for a while longer.

Hope this helps you decide.


rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
8/1/2006 9:07 pm

I pretty much knew my relationship with my son's father was over, stayed longer because I didn't want to be the one for whom "pulling the plug" would loom big on the conscience and then breathed a sigh of relief when it was over. Devastated and relieved - at exactly the same time. Odd.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


TonyPlays 65M

8/1/2006 9:50 pm

Weigh the pros and cons. That seems like a logical way to decide.

In the past I subscribed to the theory that a bad relationship was better than no relationship. I still haven't decided if that's the best course of action.

I dumped my last LIVE-IN PUSSY. I miss the pussy but not the negative person it was attached to.


TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
8/1/2006 11:01 pm

    Quoting rm_sj365:
    hmmm... what disturbs me most about this is the assumption that that something should 'fit right'.
    the truth is we either grow into or out of one another & its been my experince that both of these outcomes require similar energy to accomplish. I guess for me there is never a question about which of these endeavors i want to spend my energy on.

    for me its about learning to find the beauty in the flaws... first in myself, then others.

    to love in spite of, not because of...
I can't say anything better than that.
If it is someone I truly love...I will go all lengths to keep it going...but it has to be both ways. If the feeling aren't mutual, it doesn't matter what you do...it won't last.


rm_FreeLove999 48F
16127 posts
8/2/2006 12:05 am

well, i don't exactly know when and how i decided to stick it out with my husband -- yes the initial decision was when i married him, but i did review that decision quite a few times afterwards. now i have decided i definitely plan to be with him for the rest of my life, and it feels like a huge weight of my shoulders not to have any need to revisit that decision again. so our sex life sucks, but i love him profoundly and i know damn well how much he loves me too!



[blog freelove999]


barbiebunny 38F
5597 posts
8/2/2006 2:42 am

sweetie, get out of your head and listen to your heart. I have faith in you that you have experienced life enough to answer your own questions.........act....if u draw it out ill tauntingly call you masochistic

Its good to be...ME


Mermaidslut 51F

8/2/2006 2:46 am

Depends on what is happening in a relationship. If a man is hurtful, now, he doesn't stand even a second chance before I kick him to the curb. HARD. Same if he shows interest in anyone else. A man has to work hard now if he want's to keep my attention, but once he has it is focused and it would never be something I would walk away from as I would put him first. My life feels like I am a whirling dervish going at mach speed. I can go crazy when I got so many things whizing around so, I need someone to focus on to keep me grounded so I don't get so dizzy.

However, recently I hung in because the actions did not match the words. The actions, risked a job, spent too much time with me and caused a car accident due to being over tired after spending too much time with me. Yeah!, I hung in and even went beyond my own comfort zone to apologize in the extreme, because after all that I even messed up and stood up the dear man. It was an accident, I should never have commited to trying to be in two places at one time. I tried to cut it too close in traffic patterns I was not familiar with and failed. I could never apologize enough in my opinion. Irregardless, to answer your question = yeah! I hung on with supportive communications knowing he is dealing with a lot, including moving during a horrible heat wave which started cause of my dog. Woof!

I should have stuck to a non relationship, which was my original plan. I have too many changes going on, but I think he was a soulmate here to help me through some major life changes that were very difficult for me and he was my catalyst. I hope I was for him as well. We both did craZy things, to be together. I just figure he was strong enough to pull away before it all went total chaos for both of us.... cause we took it to the total edge of crazy passion and almost fell off. We both put our lives into total chaos. I was not strong enough to pull away. I haven't found my equilibruim yet. Now, he is not speaking to me, and probably will never again... not that I can blame him. I think I smothered him cause I am an over communicator.. but, hey.. it's a good way to go, huh? All is fair in the game of love and war, as long as no one loses an eye right?...heheheh

Previous to that, I can't say I would have tried that with anyone.


AstirRelicLatah 66M
1993 posts
8/2/2006 8:11 am

I tend to stick in there until I have a clear sign of what needs to be done. I find that when things get tough, my first reaction is usually the wrong one. So........it's best for me and my impulsive behavior style to just wait it out. I also use this rule for new ideas...If it still seems like a good idea two weeks later, I might act on it then. Otherwise I just add too much chaos in everyone else's life.


rm_Imontheedge 58M
21 posts
8/2/2006 9:19 am

I've been trying to sort out my feelings on this very topic for a couple of months now. My wife of 17 years and moderately ill health won't do what's necessary to take care of her health, meaning she won't eat right and is now more twice my weight while being 4 inches shorter. She always feels unwell, I would too if I ate her poor diet of 2-3 cokes a day and chips etc. but without enough fruits and vegetables. She doesn't work due to health issues and has weight induced diabetes. Since she often feels unwell I end up doing much of the housework. I'm frustrated and I've let her know, she claims she'll work on it but two days later she's eating poorly again and a gentle reminder is rebuffed.

Five years ago we moved to San Antonio so I could take a new job and we've only made friends with the neighbors that have girls the same age as our daughter. If I decide to split with her I'm going to be alone as its unlikely I'd get custody of my daughter since my job often takes me out of town for days at a time. I don't have work friends because I work out of the house and only meet other people when I go on site at a client most of which are out of town. I'm not the most outgoing individual in the world so its going to be tough to find anyone to be with from time to time.

I'm working out the pros and cons and as you can see I haven't made up my mind hence the handle "I'm on the edge". Frankly I'm fed up and I'd probably be willing to suffer the loneliness but I'm also thinking of my daughter who at 8 suffers from separation anxiety when going back to school and when I'm away for several days will cry every night that she wants her daddy. I'll feel terrible knowing she's crying if I leave my wife but its driving me crazy staying. At the moment I'm copping out looking for an outside relationship with a woman that is willing to accept NSA.


Intensity4U 54M
7432 posts
8/2/2006 9:34 am

Hey BPBabe. Interesting. To be honest... when we were having those email discussions of our different philosophies about arousal and sex, it was at that time you began calling your roommate your 'LIP' and I found the term offensive. The rationality behind it seemed totally foreign to me and I just lost any type of connection to your writings.

I read your posts from time to time but haven't commented anymore because I see 'LIP' everywhere and I think, "If the guy you live with and constantly have sex with is just a 'penis', I am so anti-matter in your world there is absolutely no reason to share my thoughts here."

Now, I've read through some your recent posts and find some of your statements on Confession Time Again What are your worst traits and Why I Hate Bein' a Girl very intriguing.
Like...

'I confess that I have been a "Grade A" Castrator of Men. I used to think it was funny how incredibly sharp was my tongue. One slash and a man would slink away, holding his cojones in his hand.' I didn't understand that confession at all. My questions were: Do you think only in terms of gender when you would use your sharp tongue on a man? ~and~ How does an insult affect someone's masculinity? I see men-bashing posts all the time and wonder why they feel the need - what is the real issue?
...then, in the other post, I read:

'I'm tired of being tough in a society that values toughness. Every once in a while I'll kick ass because I'm not a pushover, but the truth is, I'm soft. I'm tender.'
And I wonder... Do you think toughness is being able to hurt others? I think of the tough as being people who try not to hurt others. I see the actions of people who intentially try to hurt others as a weakness in their humanity - maybe it brings them more success in business or power, but it won't make them happy or loved.

So, my final point of ponder is... Is it radical honesty to call the man you love by a term (one you know he doesn't like) just so you can dehumanize him to be able to deny the feelings you have? Or are you just being 'tough', so you can't be hurt by a man?


bipolybabe replies on 8/2/2006 11:13 am:
You know...I've been wondering the same thing myself and intend to write a blog asking for suggestions about more honest nomenclature for someone I love but with whom I have no long-term commitment, don't "date" like a normal "boyfriend" and like as a person.

When I say "tough," I'm talking about a brittle shell I wear that makes it appear that I'm insensitive. It's hard for me to open myself to reveal how sensitive I am to other's feelings and thoughts and how much that affects me.

What you're talking about with "people who try not to hurt others," I'd call being strong, rather than tough.

Thanks for asking. So, I guess I'll go ahead and post that blog about a new name.

BiPolyBabe

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