He wants sex. She doesn't. What to do?  

bipolybabe 56F
10715 posts
8/17/2006 4:21 am

Last Read:
8/27/2006 3:56 pm

He wants sex. She doesn't. What to do?

yogawarrior asked me recently what I would suggest for a situation in which there was genuine love between long-term partners but sexual interest only on the part of one. Since the question came from a middle-aged married man seeking a “discreet” relationship, I’m going to assume it means his wife is the one who has no sexual interest, but these same questions work for either gender:

First, I’d ask a lot of questions about her relationship to sex, like:

• Has she always had a low libido?
• Has there been a change in libido? Since when?
• Are there any past experiences that have created blocks to her enjoyment of sex?
• How much does she enjoy sex, or not enjoy it, when they have had sex in the past?

Second, if any of the above questions suggested an obvious next step, I'd follow up. I’d also suggest that she seek medical attention to check out hormone levels. (I’ve heard that testosterone cream for women--and men--can work miracles in raising libido.) And that perhaps she consider counseling to address any psychological blocks.

Third, if the woman truly values her partner, she might consider increasing her potential for sexual enjoyment, because sex is an essential part of a loving relationship. It is a gift to us humans that we are able to give and receive physical affection. I’d suggest that the couple study Tantric sex at our local Women’s Sexuality Center or with another qualified instructor. Tantra is actually a practice of building intimacy and sexual energy between a couple. Many of the practices have been developed with the idea of increasing female sexual interest. But, practicing Tantra does require that both people engage. (See the blogs on Tantra What is Tantra What's a TantraSlut .)

Next, if she is not interested in addressing her blocks to having an amazingly wonderful sex life with a man who loves her, I would suggest that it is time for them to discuss the possibility of an open marriage. While I believe the honest discussion of his interest in seeking sex partners outside the marriage is a challenging one, I believe it’s worth having. In my opinion, honesty is always preferable to deceiving a loved one.

There are a couple excellent books on this topic:

• The Ethical Slut provides some guidelines for new models of loving relationships.
• The New Polyamory gives an overview of people who have decided they can not only have more than one sex partner at a time but that they may also form emotional attachments to more than one partner.

Your thoughts about what else might be possible?

© 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe


Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

ZZ_Todd 60M

8/17/2006 9:29 am

What do do? Simple. He quits pestering Her... if he just absolutely, positively, must have it... he should go somewhere else; like the bathroom and just get himself over it!

rm_Ptalk1155 35M
3450 posts
8/17/2006 2:04 pm

You know, it's a wonder we have Viagra to keep men going, yet there are few available options for women.

I think the question here is really how far her lack of sexual interest goes. Is she totally cold to him? Or is she simply satisfied by less frequent sexual encounters? In the former, then there's usually a problem beyond simple sexual dysfunction. In the latter, it may simply be that his libido is a little high and he needs to learn to masturbate to even it out.

spacecadet561 61M

8/17/2006 3:00 pm

Now, how do I manage to get this message to "herself", and have a rational discussion with her about it? She's probably got her own list of why it's all MY fault for being a mean, heartless, child-hating bastard, just as I have my list of complaints about her.


wickedeasy 68F  
31113 posts
8/17/2006 3:11 pm


she just doesn't fancy HIM

You cannot conceive the many without the one.

rm_sexxikritter 53F
2715 posts
8/17/2006 11:28 pm

It's sad when two people who shares their lives and probably can have adult conversation about any other subject cannot sit down and discuss sex with each other.
I think you've covered it perfectly in this post. I can't think of any other possibilities.[/font]

rm_FreeLove999 47F
16127 posts
8/18/2006 4:03 am

well being in pretty much that position with my husband, and acknowledging past issues that block our enjoyment of sex together, i got tired of trying to "fixit" via psychological or physiological means as this just seemed to make things worse and worse, and he agreed to an open relationship. it is a difficult conversation, but when you are lacking sexual intimacy, it can take trust and intimacy in a very different direction and onto a whole new level. i never used to be sure sure that my husband loves me, but now i KNOW with unbending certainty that he does... and so far so good with Gaeb (my lover) having moved in with us on Monday this week!

[blog freelove999]

Theflinkychick 106F

8/18/2006 10:45 am

Maybe the husband should also look at himself instead of focusing on his wife's lack of interest in a way that puts the fault on her. Not knowing anything about this couple's dynamic outside the bedroom this is all general supposition. If he has belittled her all day long, she won't feel sexually responsive to him. If he is an inconsiderate lover, she might feel better remaining unsatisfied rather than dissatisfied. How does he approach her? If he just expects her to respond rather than seducing her, then she might feel taken for granted. If they have had words about anything during the day and she doesn't feel that the issue has been properly resolved...

If the husband has explored the possiblity that his behavior towards her could be the reason for her lack of interest and has found that he is indeed doing his best, then your suggestions are on the mark.

Not all who wander are lost.

freebreeze_0 65M
40 posts
8/18/2006 5:51 pm

I have a similar but unique situation. My wife can not have sex due to failed (incompetent) surgery intended to correct vaginal prolapse. Sex is not comfortable for her, torture. So far I have kept with the masturbation route, but joined AdultFriendFinder to find alternates to enjoy sex with.

rm_YogaWarrior 59M

8/19/2006 8:21 am

Hi all,

So I'm the one who asked the question. And your ideas, thoughts and suggestions are most welcome. Have tried/am doing most of them, and the conversation, and not just about sex, is ongoing. One principle from my own therapy that I have tried to put into practice is the realization that I am only responsible for my actions and feelings, and not for the actions and reactions of anyone else. Again, thanks to all.

freebreeze_0 65M
40 posts
8/19/2006 12:05 pm

You absolutely correct... YOU are responsible for your actions and feeling, and YOU have the power to choose.

Become a member to create a blog