Gettin' Back on the Horse?  

bipolybabe 56F
10715 posts
9/11/2006 2:55 pm

Last Read:
9/15/2006 10:49 am

Gettin' Back on the Horse?

I consider myself a bold sexual adventuress, a regular Aphrodite who sets her sights on her conquest and gets him, but I confess that right now that I feel more like a seventh-grade girl at her first school dance.

Just hanging like a wallflower while her friends grab the junior high boys and ask them to dance.

Unlike when I've fallen or been thrown by my horse, it's not physical fear or an awareness of my mortality that makes me tremble as I imagine climbing back into the saddle.

Instead, I'm aware of how much it hurts when relationships don't work out. And realizing that I don't trust my judgment as much as I used to because this recent break-up upset both of our lives in ways that neither of us needed or wanted.

I believed as I started my NSA (No Strings Attached) Diet on AdultFriendFinder that I could assess my own safety. And I've done a pretty good job of keeping myself physically safe.

I also thought I could have a friend with benefits and be cool with that.

But, I've learned that if I practice Tantra (Tantric sex is about intimacy and an energetic connection as much as it's about sex; See What is Tantra What's a TantraSlut) on a daily basis with someone I could care about, I will care. My heart will be involved.

Some people might say, "Duh. And you were how old when you figured that one out?"

Uh. 44.

I don't think I'm really so thick-headed, and I knew going into it that I have a tender heart that is ready for love, but I've learned how tricky are the many elements that make loving relationships work or not work for both people.

Now I'm afraid. I will make a date with someone who interests me and then cancel because I'm not convinced one can find love if one looks for it. And maybe not if she's looking for love on a site where most men are just looking for sex.

I'm not afraid of sex. I'm afraid of the feelings that sex triggers for me as a woman. Women get a double shot of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, with an orgasm while men only get a single shot. And it sticks with women for 2-3 weeks while for men it lasts 2-3 days. (This serves a biological function as 2-3 weeks is how long it takes for a woman to figure out if she's pregnant or not, so she does need to bond to the man for that long.)

Let's see...I had my last orgasm with my former lover on Aug. 15. That means I should be free just about...tomorrow.

Good thing I postponed my date 'til tomorrow

So, have you been paralyzed by fear after a relationship didn't work out as you'd hoped? How did you get back on the horse (so to speak)?

(c) 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe


Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

rm_mainevern 52M
10197 posts
9/11/2006 3:23 pm

So, have you been paralyzed by fear after a relationship didn't work out as you'd hoped?

Yup, the last one, been 6 years now. Not working out as hoped is a bit euphemistic.

How did you get back on the horse (so to speak)?

Havn't really, starting to get back into the social swing here but I won't consider myself back on the horse until I actually attach, either NSA or other.


I Wanna Pull Purpletrashcan's Fucking Hair!

bipolybabe replies on 9/13/2006 2:53 pm:
Time to get back in the swing, Vern!


PlaynAgain 55F

9/11/2006 3:30 pm

Yes, I've been paralyzed by fear for a long time, with disastrous results. Right now I'm just practicing friendships and non-emotional sex. As I gain confidence in that less threatening type of relationship I'm assuming I'll be more open to other, closer relationships. Only time will tell.

"Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain."

bipolybabe replies on 9/13/2006 2:54 pm:
Gosh, even some non-emotional sex sounds pretty good about now!

Good for you for slowly climbing back into the swing of things,


Mermaidslut 51F

9/11/2006 5:40 pm

When a person is in need of cataclysmic change, of a whole new center of personality, for instance, his or her psyche will induce an infatuation, an erotic attachment, an intense falling in love.

Falling in love is the oldest, most ruthless catalyst on earth.

- The Mermaid Chair

bipolybabe replies on 9/11/2006 9:49 pm:
Wow! That is one powerful quote, Mermaid.

I'm going to talk to my therapist about it, because I definitely have gained the most insight into myself, my weaknesses and the places where I get hooked in relationships, through the painful break-ups.


TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
9/11/2006 9:28 pm

This post was very well said. It is really tough...we women can't deny it when our emotions get involved.
I had a longer term relationship that ended over a year ago. I was crushed and hurt...but eventually I just got myself out there and started meeting new people. There are still a lot of decent men out's just hard finding the one where things just click and last. Once the initial rush of sex wears still have emotions to deal with and see if you are both on the same page. Just don't give up..try not to think too much, and just have an open mind.

bipolybabe replies on 9/13/2006 2:56 pm:
"Try not to think too much" is just about one of the toughest commandments for me, but it's a good one ;-0

Practicing "being," especially being in my body without thinking is why I LOVE sex and why I'm taking singing lessons. The minute I retreat to my head, criticize myself or anticipate something, I'm off and out of the moment.


deliciousngood 65F
1666 posts
9/11/2006 10:24 pm

Fear is a strong word, but definitely a reluctance to put the old battered heart out there once again. BUT thanks to some affirming friends, comforting sex with trusted partners and people who REALLY,REALLY like and care about me....the heart is open once again!

Namaste's all good

bipolybabe replies on 9/13/2006 2:53 pm:
Gettin' ready to climb back on. Twice recently while shopping I've seen guys to whom I wanted to give my cell number.

Next time I'll crash my cart into his, apologize and drop my card like a hankie


Artimus4U 56F

9/11/2006 10:28 pm

I think getting back out an mingling with folks is the smartest thing you can do after a breakup. BUT I think getting involved again to soon is the dumbest thing you can do.

You really need time to work on you.

That said... You needent wait forever to get reinvolved. BUT.... get involved not because someone is saying all of the right things. Get involved because they back up what they say with what they do.

And not all men are emotionally unattached at having sex. My husband is actually 180 degrees the opposite. Hes a protector type through and through.

Me, I am standoffish as I was abused both emotionally and sexually when I was young. I keep things on an intellectual level for a long long time... Letting that gaurd down to intimacy is tough.

- Artimus

Bard of Norcal

bipolybabe replies on 9/13/2006 2:58 pm:
Yeah, I need to practice keeping my guard up a little longer


Mermaidslut 51F

9/11/2006 11:18 pm

It is not mine, i kinda lifted it from the book The Mermaid Chair. I heard it was just made into a movie, but I don't know if that quote will be heard there....

made sense for me, and I thought you would enjoy it as well...

I actively triangulate what changes i want to affect, and consciously try to support that with an emotional anchor. That anchoring, is best achieved through a relationship, not just sexually, so it can be repeated till the synaptic paths are established. The more emotionally intense, the easier the anchors are to fix a new pattern. Works for me.

buddhamike 107M
7006 posts
9/12/2006 1:24 pm

A lot of this has to do with understanding that things happen, and you are only rarely even slightly responsible for their occurrence. We live in a society where we like to place blame rather than fix the problem. So we have developed elaborate mechanisms for finding someone to blame for every little thing that happens. This is not in keeping with the real world, it's just the American way. Most things happen just because of outside influences, but we wish to blame ourselves, or someone else. We have a problem accepting the idea that things just go wrong sometimes. We want there to be a reason why. We know we can't blame inanimate objects so we look for some person to blame, and finding no one we decide it must be us, we must be to blame since no one else is. And it just isn't true. So your last relationship didn't succeed. Not your fault, nor necesserily his fault. Life goes on, learn what you can and get back in the game. What's the alternative? Quit trying? Become a recluse or hermit and never get involved with anyone ever again? Life isn't easy, no one ever said it would be. It's sort of like being a prospector; you have to dig through a lot of dirt before you can expect to find a diamond. But when you find it, it's worth all of the work. It's sort of like what "Chicken George" said in the series roots. "What do you do if your plan fails? Get yourself another plan!"

bipolybabe replies on 9/13/2006 2:59 pm:
Or, in this case, get yourself another man!


Khrysomallos 47F

9/12/2006 2:48 pm

First, I'll make an observation that the way that you are handling your "meetings" (based on your advice in your "Using AdultFriendFinder to Find Great Sex" blog) might be setting you up for failure in finding a great relationship . . .

(I did notice that everything about that post was talking about using AdultFriendFinder for "casual sex" and nothing about using AdultFriendFinder to find GREAT sex, friendships and possible relationships.) I added my two cents on that blog about the way that I've approached things on this site and can unequivocally say that in the five years I've been here -- I've been VERY successful. In fact, I would NEVER use a "mainstream" dating site EVER . . . because I think that the odds are in my favor here, and my "soulmate" (if he exists) is going to have the raging libido I have. And if not, I'm going to develop some deep and lasting friendships with lovers who are usually always willing to remain on "standby" when I'm not in an exclusive relationship. (Or are eager to participate if I AM in an exclusive relationship.)

The men who are eager for a meeting in person quickly, without getting to know you better -- are the most likely to be "just looking for sex." Face it: men are hunters by nature, they're more content with the tiny fish it took them all day to reel in, than the whale that readily jumps into their boat. If they think they have competition, they'll fight even harder for you and feel more satisfied that they have a true "gem" when you let them succeed.

To answer the question: yes, I've been "spooked" and hurt by relationships. After my marriage failed, I got back on the horse by screwing around alot for a while (since we'd not had sex in the last 6 months of the marriage). In two other relationships, I had to give myself a "grieving period" where I simply didn't date anyone AT ALL until I felt like I was over the emotional issues (pain, suspicion). In once case, it took me a full year. In another case, it took 6 months.

I don't want to take "previous" relationship issues and baggage with me into the next situation or torture a new beau with my animosity toward his predecessor. Yes, it's a little lonely, but I can still flirt on AdultFriendFinder, watch porn, masturbate, spend time with loyal friends and family members. While I flirt on AdultFriendFinder, I can assemble a short list of possible lovers (whom I can always sense a strong possibility for attraction based on webcamming), who I know are interested and entertained enough by me to stick around for a few months until I'm ready to date again -- and therefore not likely to "just" use me for sex.

bipolybabe replies on 9/12/2006 5:51 pm:
You know, kissme, I agree with what you're saying except that I've wasted a lot of time in emailing and talking on the phone. I've been dating online (not on AdultFriendFinder) for SIX YEARS off and on. And, I learn more in five minutes face to face than by hours online.

The trick for me is not to ignore the data that I get face to face. I chose to ignore clear warning signs because I REALLY, REALLY wanted a relationship.

And, I'm not convinced that I can find what I'm looking for on this site. It's geared toward casual sex. I'm looking for intense sex with a similarly open-minded person who desire me absolutely.

Frankly, that's hard for any of us of us to find. Do you know how statistically difficult it is to find someone who is well-matched to us? It means a numbers game. That's why I choose to meet quickly. If he's not willing to meet, it's probably not gonna work out.


LTsGirl915 35F

9/12/2006 5:38 pm

I emailed you back, hopefully it went through.


bipolybabe replies on 9/13/2006 2:59 pm:
I'll check.

Did anyone ever tell you you have a lovely ass?


Khrysomallos 47F

9/12/2006 10:00 pm

BPB -- Sorry, if I was sounding a little too "authoritative" there.

We each have our methods that we feel comfortable with. My method always worked well for me because, as a single mom of a very young child (I started here when my daughter was three) -- it was far easier (and safer) to do my "fact-finding" online than to attempt to arrange "real life" meetings. Therefore, I never saw the time spent on here as "wasted time."

I noticed a familiar "mistake" in your response: "I chose to ignore clear warning signs because I REALLY, REALLY wanted a relationship." More than 10 years ago I developed a mantra that I repeat to myself constantly (when dating men, in business, etc.) -- "Trust your first impressions, not your second thoughts." For whatever reason, I've always found my first impressions to be the most reliable -- and my mistakes were always when I gave people or awkward situations a "fair chance" because I felt I might be writing them off too soon.

I totally agree, the site is geared toward casual sex. I've always made it clear in my profile and my correspondence with people, that my ULTIMATE goal is the same as yours. If there is ANYTHING in a man's profile here that mentions the terms "no-strings," "friends with benefits," "fuck-buddies" -- if he's married or in a relationship or I get any sort of "vibe" that he's just a player -- I write him off immediately . . . (Unless of course, I just can't help myself and think I would just enjoy fucking him! But I always continue my quest, and keep my membership here!)

Men with the "casual sex" attitude in their profiles will always attempt to go back on their word saying . . . "if I met the right person" . . . but I try to read between the lines of what they're posting and the pics they're putting up. THAT generally is the best predictor of their intentions, before you get to the personal correspondence part. (. . . "trust your first impressions" . . .)

I agree with you also . . . the more intelligent and discriminating you are, the older you get, the more comfortable you are in your life and the more sure of your identity . . . the more difficult that it is to find a "life partner." The longer you wait to mate, the less willing you are to compromise on who you settle with. ("I've waited this long, why should I settle now?")

I have the added problem that the man ALSO must be a good "father-figure" for my daughter, be able to deal with the "other" people in my life including her dad and his family (organizing life around visitation, holidays, etc.) and my family (whom are overbearing but a constant part of my life) . . . and who doesn't come into the mix with too much baggage (as in lots of kids of his own, ex-wives, alimony, emotional scars). I meet LOTS of wonderful men that I'm truly attracted to. Unfortunately, I can see that they just won't "fit" into my life -- and I'm not going to try to "force" anything on them or myself that requires too much sacrifice or compromise -- since it's only likely to lead to problems or conflict later.

My parents were divorced when I was 8, and my mom was an attractive, single woman the entire time I was growing up (she didn't remarry until 23 years later). I saw the parade of attractive, wealthy, wonderful men that came one after one into our lives . . . and remember thinking then that she was being too picky -- most women would have JUMPED at the opportunity to be with any one of them. But looking back, there really was only ONE who was well-suited to her who she was really bonkers about (and he was much younger and wanted to have children, and my mom had had a hysterectomy at 29).

It may have taught me a BAD lesson, lol . . . but it taught me not to cling too tightly to any one man, because there was ALWAYS sure to be MANY more just around the corner . . . all I had to do was put myself out there and look (hence, AdultFriendFinder).

YES -- it's TOTALLY a numbers game!!! That's why AdultFriendFinder works so well for me. The "legitimate" women here are SO GREATLY OUTNUMBERED by the men, the odds are in our favor. The genuine men are so frustrated and desperate because of their experiences of finding fake profiles, that if you're real you get far more of their attention than you would on a "mainstream" dating site. They can see that I CLEARLY am a woman who loves sex, that I take VERY good care of my body . . . and these things are really important to most men who felt they were "burned" in a prior marriage or relationship, by becoming involved with a woman who later became completely disinterested in sex with them. (Usually, I find that it's because they're attractive, successful, moderately wealthy and women think they're such a good catch that they're willing to employ any artifice necessary to land them -- then the wives later find that they weren't attracted to them or that they weren't a good relationship "fit" -- and they're no longer willing to continue "faking it.")

My goal is really simple . . . I just want to find a man that I LOVE having sex with, who brings more "positive" things into my life than "negative." Remarkably, that's a pretty difficult thing to come by . . . but OH, the QUEST for it (and all the sex involved) . . . can be rather fun too!!!

If I'm fated to have my life continue as it has . . . with my daughter, family and friends to supply the love, providing for my own financial and professional stability), and just have a string of lovers until I'm so fat and wrinkly that no one will have me . . . that's not such a bad ending!!! It beats the hell out of being stuck in a stale, unhappy and unsatisfying marriage where I don't have control over my life.

bipolybabe replies on 9/13/2006 2:49 pm:
You needn't apologize. It's helpful to clarify what I meant when I wrote it. Also, when I first wrote it I was more interested in purely casual sex. I found a lot of that but know that sex with an emotional connection is just that much better.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. If I were you, I'd also post it on your blog because it's helpful for men to hear why you're here. And please link to mine if you don't mind. My ratings are slipping since I haven't gotten fucked recently enough to write a really titillating story, oh, except for the one about Doin' The Butt.

And, I agree that the numbers thing does make this a great place for women who truly love sex. That's why I stay here because I know I've got integrity, intelligence and a high sex drive. I'm sure there's a man who will find his way to me, and please the Goddess of Good Fucking in the context of an intimate and loving relationship, I'd like it to be soon


Lovin_U_4_Fun 55F

9/12/2006 11:53 pm

I would definitely have to say I've been paralyzed! I don't want a serious relationship, but I do want a monogamous play partner.

My ideal dates would go something like this:

One of us shows up at the other's house, we play, we make dinner and open a bottle of wine, we play again, we fall asleep, we wake the next morning and play again!


One of us shows up at the other's house, we play, we open a bottle of wine and play scrabble, we play again, we fall asleep, we wake the next morning and play again!


One of us shows up at the other's house, we play, order pizza ans watch a movie, we play again, we fall asleep,, we wake the next morning and play again!

Thing is.... I can't find a man I like and am attracted to who is willing to be this for me. Men I meet in the real world want to see me every weekend and men I meet here keep telling me that what I describe is too complicated!!! (You should hear me laughing out loud!) What I am looking for is not complicated.

So.... I must be setting myself up for no sex, cuz that's what I'm getting!

bipolybabe replies on 9/13/2006 2:51 pm:
What you describe sounds perfect. Though I will admit that if I liked him that night and wanted to bring him coffee and a blow job the next morning (as I did with my former lover), I might want to see him more often than once a month. But, I know I do want more space than most women seem to.

Too bad you're not bi and you live so far away! We could be perfect for one another!


rm_alsdevil 43F
19 posts
9/15/2006 6:24 am

yes i have been paralyzed with fear, for different reasons though - but once i learned how to deal with myself and know what my issues are then i just went out there - i have recently met the most wonderful man and we seem to have the same expectations about each other, can it ever be any better than that

i can say this if i would not have done some serious soul searching on my part i would not have ever seen him, as i see him now, so take the bull by his horns and ride it - u may not get the chance again, life is tooooo short - my favorite saying is "it is what it is"

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