Get Me Out of Here!  

bipolybabe 56F
10715 posts
9/7/2006 11:05 am

Last Read:
3/6/2007 10:26 pm

Get Me Out of Here!


Yesterday, my therapist talked about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I figure everything's about me. So, I read some about it. On the surface, the "symptoms" sound familiar. (See yesterday's Gettin' Over My Own Damn Self)

I mean, who among us doesn't crave excitement, occasionally despair over how boring is normal life (paying bills, cleaning the house, showing up for work) and engage in self-destructive behaviors from time to time? I figure most of us humans are fucked up in some ways. Some of us just manage it better than others and some of us manage it better at certain times than at other times.

Interestingly, women tend to suffer from BPD more often than men and it's often linked to childhood abuse or sexual abuse. I've spent a lot of time mining my past, and there's no history of significant abuse. I had a pretty good childhood, just the usual bumps in the road of divorce, sibling rivalry and parents and step-parents with their own set of baggage.

Because I was curious about BPD and I like reading about real people's life journeys of transformation, I rushed to the library to pick up Rachel Reiland's "Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder."

Reiland is now, at least, a brilliant, clear-thinking woman and incredible writer. I'm half-way through the book and fascinated, but I also know that on the BPD scale, she rates a 10 to my 2. So, I'm relieved to know that there are some people much more mentally unwell than I who have recovered.

But, I'm frankly really pissed at my therapist that I've been yakking at him for a year now, and I'm still suffering in much the same ways I suffered a year ago. And, finally, yesterday he said that there is no cure for the nasty voice inside us that says we are not enough, that just our being is not enough. Fuck! I've been trying for a year to figure out how to come to peace, how to fill, how to soothe, how to live with that voice. Why didn't he tell me that a year ago?

So, he says, there's no "cure" for the nasty voice but that we can learn how to choose our lives and continue on with enjoying life simply by ignoring that voice and focusing on the things over which we do have control: choosing a career we love, choosing healthy, loving relationships and showing up for our commitments even when we feel shitty. I believe absolutely in the ability to trick our brains into feeling better, that feelings are transitory, and if we smile, we feel happier. If we say everything's great, everything really can be great.

So, here's what I intend to ask him next week, which is also my question for you.

What is the difference between "stuffing" one's feelings, which I believe is unhealthy, and going about life simply ignoring the critical inner voice which is never satisfied? And, have you ever found any therapy that actually helps to make peace with the critical inner voice?

(c) 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe

BPB

Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!



PlaynAgain 55F

9/7/2006 11:49 am

I'm curious to hear what his answer is.

I'm guessing he'll say that "stuffing" your feelings is pretending they don't exist, which allows them to affect your decision making process without you being able to think through what the consequences might be. Ignoring them would be knowing what they are and what effect they have and choosing a different path in spite of where your feelings are trying to lead you.

I wouldn't be too mad at him for not telling you this a year ago. You might not have been ready to hear it...

"Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain."


IamWetFire 53F

9/7/2006 12:49 pm

"What is the difference between "stuffing" one's feelings, which I believe is unhealthy, and going about life simply ignoring the critical inner voice which is never satisfied? And, have you ever found any therapy that actually helps to make peace with the critical inner voice?"

Stuffing is unhealthy, certainly. That was my coping mechanism for most of my life until I cracked last year and the flood of BS came pouring out like water through a broken dam.

That critical inner voice is a tough issue. I'm the queen of negative self-talk. And it's not like I don't know all the gifts I have going on, it's just the echoes of all the abusers in my past bouncing off the walls of my brain pan that my inner voice will join in chorus with.

For my PTSD, I found EMDR therapy--Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing--the best thing. It's a process that mimics REM sleep patterns in the brain, allowing you to reprogram over the toxic things from your past like an anti-virus program getting rid of a worm. It's NOT pleasant. It takes many sessions for each "thing" you're trying to overcome. But, it is the single most effective thing I've found for silencing that harsh BS.

PTSD, like personality disorders, is incurable and does not respond to medication. Treatment is palliative at best. So, I was elated to discover EMDR, and recommend it for anyone who's been through any type of trauma or abuse. It is also now accepted treatment protocol for a number of other disorders.

Try having a look at emdr therapist network--all one word--d.t com. It's a nice place for information about this little-known therapy.

Oh. . .and I woke up thinking of you today. Here's a gift for two of my Blogland Heroes



Fire


LTsGirl915 35F

9/7/2006 4:45 pm

I cannot quiet that inner critic, and only medication seems to keep it from sending me into panic attacks. (I have gen. anxiety disorder) I had a rough adolesence, and my mother is a complete nutcase who doesn't give a shit about me, so I've definitely had struggles adjusting as an adult. I think we all have our issues, it's those who can't/won't admit to them, and face them head on that are in trouble. Those of us who do, and make a conscious effort to work on them are just normal.


Passion247000 47F
3195 posts
9/7/2006 6:19 pm


ProtonicMan 49M

9/7/2006 9:01 pm

"...he said that there is no cure for the nasty voice inside us that says we are not enough, that just our being is not enough."

Your therapist is full of shit if he believes that. And you can tell him I said that. Go find one who is a little more enlightened.

It's a matter of reprogramming all the poor instructions and garbage that has been fed into you since you were old enough to crawl.

Do you exist? You write a blog, and I have talked to you on the phone, so I'm considering that a big "YES." Therefore, you are part of ALL that is, and ALL-THAT-IS is wonderful. Just listen to that voice. Don't ignore it, because it's the connection from the Bigger, Cosmic BiPoly trying to communicate with the physical BiPoly.

Confused yet?

TJ


pictureunaked 57M

9/8/2006 1:51 am

I think that the answer lies somewhere in the middle-- like it does with so many things. Sometimes we have to shut out the voices of doubt and fear so that we can achieve what we need to. Other times it's good to have them around-- at least just a little bit-- to keep us from fucking up in spectacular ways. It's the people that don't question, wonder, or want something better that I worry about. It's important to continue to learn about ourselves and to grow-- intellectually and spiritually. Without spiritual growth we become self-destructive.


economickrisis 56M

9/8/2006 5:27 am

Shoot your therapist.

Your gun is your friend.


Artimus4U 56F

9/8/2006 11:15 am

Stuffing your feelings is ignoring them...

You have feelings to warn you about things left undone... concerns.

Instead of stuffing them.. I challenge you to pull them out when they come up... fully feel them... then fully examine them in a rational light. Sometimes... just fully feeling the feelings makes them go away. Sometimes fully examining them in a rational light makes them go way.

And sometimes... that critical voice is actually telling you something that you want to do something about.

NOW

Somewhere along the way you learn you are not superwoman.. you dont control the world as it rides on its axis and that other people are frequently beyond your complete comprehension...

But...

You can control you. Learning who you are and what drives you is the best force first.

Borderline personalities tend to seek out drama rather then deal with their own demons ( my short personal take away from reading up on it). They also place the reasons that they are feeling what they are feeling off on other people.

I dont believe I am borderline... I do believe I am codependant.

Incidentally, I had just over a year of personal therapy and about 10 months of parent child therapy. I really couldnt point to you any value I recieved in either one and the parent child therapy was pointless and actually made me angry. ( read my blog to see why)

Not that they were bad people... I just dont let anyone monkey with me for fun. You want to talk to me.. you talk to me.. you wanna fuck with my emotions.. you can go fuck off.

I think WHO the therapist is makes all the difference. If you trust your therapist.. ask him to define why he thinks what he thinks.
If you dont trust him... I would suggest a new therapist. ( btw I actually had two therapists in that over 1 year of personal therapy.. therapist number 2 was FAR better then therapist number 1).

- Artimus

-rtimus
Bard of Norcal


warmandsexy52 65M
13164 posts
9/9/2006 4:57 am

On a personal level I have always believed in balance and my life has been strongly affected by Taoism and the I-Ching. I believe that the critical inner voice is part of who we are, but equally there is a positive inner voice which is listened to, is felt. I don't make a habit of consulting the I-Ching ...... only when things are out of balance and I can't resolve them. What the I-Ching "says" is in many ways less important than the meditative process I go through, reflecting as I shake the three ancient coins to build the lines of the hexagram. It is deeply personal and reflective, and it may not make any sense to you, but it is me and how I manage to swim in the current of the river of life and not feel that I am drowning.

Sorry I know so little about therapy. I have lived with someone who has suffered chronic clinical depression for years and know there is no easy answer. All I do know is the personal world view I have has helped in some difficult and deeply testing spots.

warm xx


Khrysomallos 47F

9/11/2006 1:23 pm

Ugggh, honey. We could have LONG talks, over a glass of wine and a few selective-seratonin reuptake inhibitors.

I've battled depression for ages. I finally broke down at about age 30 to see a doctor because of a specific event where my daughter was hit by a daycare worker and I couldn't stop crying for months because of the guilt I felt. I kept going back eventually to try to find out why I always felt depressed, and why the big challenges never phased me but the mundane seemed beyond my grasp to handle and always left me feeling anxious.

My initial thought at reading your posts was that your "therapist" probably diagnosed you with whatever was handy to keep you coming back for regular appointments. Much as my "physician" tried to diagnose me with whatever will ensure that she can fill me with a bunch of medication and invite me back to the office monthly to monitor it.

Personally, I think that when we get beyond the "struggle for survival" issues -- trying to stay alive, finding food, finding shelter -- and we have time to sit back and contemplate our lives and ponder our existence and our choices . . . we figure out that ordinary life pretty much sux. No matter what path we take, the eventual outcome heads to just one place. There's absolutely nothing to do to prevent the fact that you're going to get hurt, sick, disappointed, and lose the people around you.

The Buddhists say, "All life is suffering" and go on to try to rid their lives of all "desires" which they believe are the cause of suffering. Of course, some of us think the Buddhists are full of shit and that the "desires" are the things that makes life interesting. Life isn't "suffering" -- it's is full of wonderful and exciting experiences like sex, romance, adventure -- but WOW -- those things involve taking RISKS. If you're the type of person who "feels" these sorts of things deeply, ponders them, seeks stimulation, takes risks -- society diagnoses you with a disorder because you refuse to be a quiet, docile little automaton who doesn't disrupt the "status quo." The majority of our society turns to religion to fill that void, so that they have the prospect of heaven and hell to provide the motivation and consolation that they need to get by day to day.

Anyway -- as for stuffing your feelings -- I find that when my little voice inside cries out, I have to replace it with one that's more productive. It helps for that moment, but it never changes the fact that the little voice keeps coming back. I don't think therapy helps. I find the more introspection I engage in -- the worse I feel. I feel best when I find a new quest, adventure, sex, romance, friendship, accomplishment . . . but oh boy, those things really get in the way of getting the laundry and dishes done, and making it to work on time.

{=}KMA

P.S. If you ever figure it out, let me know.


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