Avoiding Bad Casual Sex: Getting to the Good Stuff  

bipolybabe 56F
10715 posts
7/22/2006 9:49 am

Last Read:
2/16/2008 5:53 am

Avoiding Bad Casual Sex: Getting to the Good Stuff

Avoiding Bad Casual Sex: Mostly for Women but Useful for Men Who Want Repeat Customers

I was talking to a woman friend who had had two sexual experiences in a row with men she met through this friendly site that left her unsatisfied and thinking men are uncaring duds in bed. I have experienced bad sex with new partners that left me thinking, "For this I fluffed my hair, brushed my teeth and put on lingerie and mascara?"

I don’t believe men intend to leave women sexually unsatisfied any more than I think women intend to lead men around by their dicks. It just seems to work out that way because men are typically in the role of pursuing sex, and women are typically in the role of gatekeeper to the place where partnersex happens for straight men.

So, I believe it’s in the best interests of both to give women a good time so that they come back for more, even if it’s not the two of you the next time. You don’t want to make it harder for the next horny guy, do ya?

And, women, you don’t want more embittered men grousing about how women don’t bother to reply to emails, don’t show up for meetings, etc.?

So, here’s how I’ve figured out how to avoid bad sex:

1) I try to follow my own rules in Using AFF to Get Great Sex
2) I ask myself what will help me avoid being upset about having sex as discussed in Getting to Yes Part One and Getting to Yes Part Two. I think about the times I've been upset in the past and decide to ask for what would avoid the bad experiences.

And “Getting to ‘Yes’” for me has a very important component about whom I decide I will say “yes” to. I have met over 100 men from this site, and, at first, I was looking for that instantaneous chemistry, when my body says, “Yes, yes, yes…Him! Right now!” What I’ve learned is that my body saying “yes” doesn’t mean he'll necessarily give me a good ride.

That instantaneous “yes” is often instinct speaking, the female instinct that says “Ooh, look at that big strong man with those broad shoulders. He’ll protect me and my offspring.” But, you know, I’m not looking for male protection. I want a lover and playmate, someone who is really interested in pleasing me sexually. So, I’ve learned to take a little longer to assess how interested in ME the guy is. Being admired and being told how sexually appealing we are does a lot for women’s enjoyment in getting naked with a new lover. (“Your smile really turns me on” or “Your curves are really sexy” probably works better than “I wanna suck your huge tits.”

So, I want to suggest to women that we look carefully at to whom we are attracted and make sure the guy is equally attracted. The bottom line is, most men will have sex with whomever says “yes,” because they live in fear of not getting sex again. But, it doesn’t mean he will be interested in being a great lover with you or want to see you again.

So, it’s sort of complicated for me, as for other women. We are attracted to manly men and then we want them to be sensitive to us and our needs, acting, basically, act like women. But, we need to let go of that, especially expecting him to guess what it is we want. Women are really good at doing that. We pick up on clues from what people say. We file it away. Men operate on a different basis, a sort of single focus.

So, why not put that single focus to best use? He wants sex. He wants to do a good job. Tell him how very directly. This requires that you, as a woman, be very clear about what it takes to get you off and be unembarrassed about asking for it.

So, this is what I talk about while sitting fully-clothed on the beach in broad daylight, before deciding to go have any kind of sexual contact with a new partner:

1) I talk about safe sex, using condoms.
2) I suggest that we "play naked," that we give and receive massage, without worrying about erections, orgasms or intercourse, because I realized what I value is sensuality in touch. And I wasn't getting what I wanted when I suggested sex. Too many guys hear, "Let's have sex," as "Let me suck your dick 'til you get a hard on and then you fuck me 'til you come." And they worry a lot about their erections, which means they are not present with me.
3) I advocate for mutual masturbation the first time or two, actually. That way you can each show what you like and take responsibility for your own pleasure. And, women, you can tell him how he can contribute to your pleasure by sucking lightly or gently tweaking your nipples or using his fingers inside you while you bring yourself to orgasm. I suggest that men can cum on my breasts or belly, on intact skin, because it’s safer.
4) I add that I really like a call or email the day after so I know that he’s thinking of me. This is not a test, mind you. I just like to know that he enjoyed being with me, so I am happy to email him and remind him to call me or whatever it takes. That single focus thing again takes effect the next day when he’s focused on work, and it may not occur to him to call.
5) I say that, if things work out for us to continue seeing one another, all I’m looking for is honesty and an answer if I suggest getting together for sex. I advocate for being totally honest about what you want in a relationship and asking if he is willing to provide that.

Okay, one last thing. My local friend she said she wanted to spend time going dancing, playing pool and hanging out, to let desire rise slowly. I think that’s okay if you’re on a different dating site. This one is about sex. Most of us are on this site looking for sex, satisfying sex, without a huge expense of time to get there, so it maybe unrealistic to expect a man to spend hours winning your favors unless he really, really, really likes you. It may be more realistic to figure out how he can sexually satisfy you. If both of you have a positive experience, it will build desire for more. I suggest that women take responsibility for our own arousal, for bringing up that hunger. I’ll write more later on how women, if they’re not constantly horny as men tend to be, can bring up their own sexual energy to be ready to go faster.

A few ideas: Dance around your bedroom to some of your favorite music in your lingerie as you get ready to go out; Flirt constantly in the grocery store, the dry cleaning store, while in line at the post office; Fantasize about sex with everyone you meet; Massage yourself every day; Masturbate often.

Any other ideas about how to increase the likelihood of positive sexual experiences the first couple times out?

© 2006-2008 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe


Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

AstirRelicLatah 66M
1993 posts
7/22/2006 1:20 pm

This is a great post for men.

I do think the dancing and hanging out is important. Men need to become comfortable with the woman they will be having sex with. For me, I want the woman I'm with to engage with their mind as well as their body. This takes a certain amount of time. I also find anticipation makes for a better experience.

We sometimes get disappointed because our expectations from anticipating a rendezvous is not what we want. I think this happens for two reasons. The first, the chemistry stinks and it shouldn't have gone anyplace. The second, the build was too fast.

I know my best orgasms have come from a slow build that keeps moving to every higher crescendos. When this happens, the sex is extraordinary and memorable.

We all are so insecure around our sexual beings that we just need to slow down and enjoy ourselves. We might all get more satisfaction.

BTW, your posts are consistently great. Thanks.

bipolybabe replies on 7/30/2006 7:21 am:
Your point about the slow build in great sex is well-taken.

Thanks for reading & commenting.


ProtonicMan 49M

7/22/2006 4:19 pm

'The bottom line is, most men will pretty much fuck whomever says "yes," because they live in fear of not getting sex again.'

Yikes. I guess that makes me not one of "most men." Sorry, I have standards, and they have a LOT more to do with what's between the ears than what's between the legs. Chemistry is a big factor, too. If I'm not interested, I'm not even going to go down that road, let alone push for a yes.

I have repeat customers. I always intend to. Give 'em what they want, and they'll come back.

All in all, I think you have some good suggestions here.


bipolybabe replies on 7/30/2006 7:20 am:
It's fine not to become "most" of any group and to stand on your own.

The way I decided that it was true that most men would fuck any woman who said "yes" was from my own experience in I met men to whom I was not strongly attracted and I could tell they were not particularly attracted to me, but I'm pretty sure if I'd said, "Oh, what the hell, let's go fuck," they'd have said "Sure!" just out of the desire to have scored and that it had nothing to do with my attractions, body or personality. It was just about wanting to have sex and wanting to bang a pin-up. This was more true when I had nude photos of myself up.


ella1966 52F
1528 posts
7/22/2006 8:22 pm

I agree with you bipoly and with the posters above...but my situation is a bit different....I don't want a guy to hang out with or do stuff, I am married, I have a home to pretend to run, I have studies, I have an elderly mother whom I neglect, I have a husband who I MUST spend time with, ie the man I married, the man who actually LOVES me and who I love, not the man who just wants to use me and fuck me while he is deciding if there is a more suitable woman he would rather fuck!

My situations have been disappointing because I have often been so horny that it didn't matter that there were aspects of their character or personality that I didn't click with, I DON'T have the TIME to do the other stuff, so I repeat the same mistakes, picking up some reasonably nice guy, then just doing it with a bit of preliminary foreplay stuff and then in an hour or so, either he has to go, or I have to go home, and then wondering why the fuck I didn't just masturbate and fantasise, rather than waste countless hours on chatting deciding whether to meet them...

So, the bottom line for me is - I SIMPLY DON'T HAVE THE TIME - either to screen for the men for whom I have "chemistry" or to spend the time doing all the stuff that makes the sex more pleasurable for me and for whom by some miracle or coincidence there is mutual chemistry with! Then there is the time element - he is not available when I am available or I am not available when he is available or he is not around when I am horny or vice versa.. don't get me wrong - I am not whingeing, or wishing that it could be easier to navigate this stuff, because this kind of stuff is not easy. Of course, I could have too high expectations and just be simply impatient... this is just the reality of my situation....and I can't leave my marriage just to find men to fuck to make me feel good, that is just feeding a frenzy of future sexual addiction even further!

Thanks bipoly for your post (and for the pimp too!)

ella x

bipolybabe replies on 7/30/2006 7:16 am:
Yep, it takes a huge amount of time to screen effectively. When I first started on this site, it was like taking on another whole job!

By now, the flow of emails has slowed to a trickle.


funintheday2006 57M
9659 posts
7/23/2006 1:08 am

I'm a strange being, reading this!!
I have met and never have I done so with any expectations whatsoever.
Take things as they come, do the discussions and see if there actually is chemistry or simply an urge to get laid site-style.
I came to the conclusion pretty quick that NSA was not my scene and I was VERY dissapointed in myself!!
However a cuddle from someone who I cared about and vice versa means so much more.
So, I no longer expect or look for sex on its own from this site.
Sad git eh?

bipolybabe replies on 7/30/2006 7:14 am:
Nope, it's not sad to decide you don't like NSA. We each have our preferences, and as earthshiva said, it's most important to "know thyself" first.

That's the way you're most likely to be satisfied.


Dekora 54M
937 posts
7/23/2006 5:07 am

Thank you, BPB! Hopefully other ladies reading your post will realize the value in the balding headed male.

bipolybabe replies on 7/30/2006 7:13 am:
Here, let me lick that for you...


TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
7/23/2006 7:11 am

This was a very good post. Every person's situation is different, even for him/her being on this site. I am not PURELY looking for sex, but know it is the focus of the site.
But yes, I am interested in a man who likes me for my mind as well as my body. And I do love hearing him tell me how sexy he finds me, if he does, that is.
Women just love that shit, lol.
It is very important to me that a man wants to please me sexually and take the time to do so. Honestly from my experiences many men have a lot of work to do on this one. But I have had some great, WOW! experiences too.

bipolybabe replies on 7/30/2006 7:12 am:
Thanks for your response, RealThing, about "Avoiding the Bad Fucks."

What do you think is the difference between the "WOW!" experiences you've had and those where men needed to work a bit more for your satisfaction?


spacecadet561 61M

7/23/2006 10:45 am

This is more good advice to file in case I ever get this far. Thanks.


bipolybabe replies on 7/30/2006 7:10 am:
Thanks, SpaceCadet, hope you get to create some happy new memories to take the place of the fond, fading ones!


Mermaidslut 51F

7/23/2006 12:55 pm

Every one wants something different from this site.

Personally, I was fine with a one night stand. How it got onto an emotional level, I will never know and I am confused trying to figure this chemistry thing out. Me, flirt at the grocery store? Never.

When it comes to personal relationships, I have a hard time making eye contact - to flirt, anywhere. However, when it comes to business, I can be extremely aggressive and focused on what I want once I define it and see a path. That's what I liked about this site. Other sites, I don't have the patience for getting past a few meetings to see if we are compatible but this site makse more sense so that if I *do* pick someone up we will have a good potential beyond just a one night stand. With work, I don't have the time to play games either, and most guys I would be attracted to would be too intimidated to ask me out. Here, it is more like I can put out mental phermones.. and draw them to me and screen them for future potential...

bipolybabe replies on 7/30/2006 7:10 am:
Maybe to put out "mental pheromones," you wouldn't have to flirt at a grocery store if you just wore that red top/bra outfit...


tootsiedippin 54M/54F
1078 posts
7/23/2006 1:24 pm

Well written...

Hmmmm your honesty with yourself is surprizing. Most can't or won't do it.

Complicated is good....

bipolybabe replies on 7/30/2006 7:08 am:
I practice radical honesty in my life, and I have to start with myself.

Thanks for reading & commenting.


earthShiva 61M

7/24/2006 7:59 am

Above all, know thyself.

I haven't had a bad experience with an individual here. Too happy with what I right off the bat, I guess.

D and I HAVE had some forgettable couples' experiences, and I do think the lessons there hold true for singles as well.

The bottom line is to know if there is something specific you want out of the experience, or feel the need to avoid. While it is best to approach any experience with a completely open mind, we're human. We have our tastes and our limitations. The apparently uncaring, quick-firing men that diasspointed ella and your local friend might be just the ticket for somebody who doesn't want to invest heavily in the experience emotionally or in terms of time. I've had meetings where my sincere interest in the other person was clearly perceived as intrusive and intimidating.

Potential sex partners are like sunsets. Each is unique. Some we have time to enjoy, others we miss for reasons good and bad. Some stop us in our tracks while others only get a brief glance. Not all have something for us, but more of them probably would if we took the time to find its unique beauty, instead of comparing them to yesterday's drama or tomorrow's promise. But when all is said and done, few of them make the entire evening for us by theselves. That only happens if we bring the mood, attention and circumstances to allow their beauty inside us. Whether or not it is a beautiful evening is up to us.

. We make a big mistake when we put the responsibility for our satisfaction on another person. That's like putting putting the respnsibility for having a pleasant evening on the sunset. Sunsets, like sex partners, offer us varying degrees of beauty

bipolybabe replies on 7/30/2006 7:07 am:
Yep, I definitely agree that the number one thing is to take responsibility for one's own satisfaction.


nightis 54M

7/24/2006 11:30 am

This is such a complicated business! Admittedly, I picked and dated women from AdultFriendFinder that I perhaps should have screened a little better. No bad experiences mind you, but I have high standards. When I wasn't getting a lot of second or third dates, I instituted my "3 date minimum rule" as a goal. It raised a few eyebrows and gained me some positive attention from a few good people. It also places a standard that some women, as evidenced by comments here, just don't want to meet.

More recently, I have started to become a little more true to who I am and what I want. Add to that, an on ongoing relationship of the adult variety and my motivation to hunt for every and any moving thing is way down! In otherwords, I have become the hunted, the "gatekeeper" as you so eloquently term it. I am the one looking for the right chemistry.

Needless to say, the few contacts I make these days are HIGH quality!

bipolybabe replies on 7/30/2006 7:06 am:
I checked out your profile, and it doesn't state there that you have a three-date minimum. So, is this something you put in an email? Are you making a rule that you won't have sex before the third date? Because I wouldn't agree with that. I think the right time to have sex the first time is when both people want to.

Thanks for making me think of this, because I'd like to request that new partners plan to have sex with me three or four times in two weeks, so that we get an accurate picture of how well it will work for us. And, it would also eliminate the ones who are simply looking to score and move on.

Good idea!


1 post
7/28/2006 4:29 pm

nightis 54M

8/2/2006 12:06 am

I checked out your profile, and it doesn't state there that you have a three-date minimum. So, is this something you put in an email? Are you making a rule that you won't have sex before the third date? Because I wouldn't agree with that. I think the right time to have sex the first time is when both people want to.

Thanks for making me think of this, because I'd like to request that new partners plan to have sex with me three or four times in two weeks, so that we get an accurate picture of how well it will work for us. And, it would also eliminate the ones who are simply looking to score and move on.

OK Poly, I will admit, that I want and pretty much expect sex on the first date. I get it most of the time. Regardless, I will also expect at least a second and third sexual encounter. That is now a deal breaker. After the third date...anything goes. Here is the text from my "Three Date Minimum" post.___________________________________________________________________

My blog post of May 4th, 2006

I am an advocate of a three date minimum! Before I go on to the specific benefits therein, let me talk briefly about “The One Night Stand”. The single night affair certainly has its attraction; Imagine, a near stranger, hot sex, and mental pictures of two bodies coming together for the first time. I still revel in sex with a new person, but that is a whole other blog post. Whew, take a breath dude.

Personally, I have never intended to have a one night stand. It has certainly worked out that way on an occasion or five. In fact, I am currently pissed at a woman who used me as a one night stand. Everything was great. She certainly left me with the idea of a second date, but has yet to get back to me! (It has been two months…that writing has been WASHED OFF the wall.) I don’t chase. I have several relationships; you might want to call them that, waiting for a second date. If it ever happens, that is open to question, but there was never any intention on my part to obtain sexual ecstasy and never see the woman again!

Pulling off a one night stand takes talent and the balls the size Michael Jordan played with on the hardwood. If a man is that good and he can satisfy a woman in true unselfish form, gods bless him! He should consider it a profession. (Maybe that is why the aforementioned woman has not called me again…ya, we’ll go with that!) The most common word that you hear in association with one-night stands is “emptiness”; empty on sexual gratification, respect and affection!

On with my campaign promise! The three date minimum. The first date is for play. Personally, I want to be assured that if everything goes well, like they usually do in my case, I want to have at least three dates. The second date is used to solve all of the problems that arose during the first date; a missed signal, an angle that wasn’t just right or a piece of lingerie that was kept in the closet. The third date is the “rubber” match. It is a grand attempt to bring all the lessons learned in dates one and two to the “big show”, the culmination.

On the less sexual side of this equation, the first three dates are the testing ground for a potential longer relationship. Who is to say that any sexual relationship can’t last longer than three dates? I know a number of people that have had sexual partners for years, yet they don’t act like a couple. I have also read where AdultFriendFinder relationships have turned into long-term relationships that actually led to a happy marriage. Why would anyone hide their head in a pillow only to find out the person right in front of them is more than just a sexual toy? Nothing Ventured, nothing gained. How can you call one date, anything ventured when only a few of your senses have the time to get involved? Let your mind catch up to your body (ok, your sexual organs) and help you make the important choices that should never be taken lightly. Being an adult has its advantages, one night stands are an option, but I still am a supporter “the three date minimum”.

jeff_thetongue 48M
2 posts
8/4/2006 9:26 pm

Thank you for starting this blog. It is truly a very frank conversation of experiences. When I first divorced, I joined this site and had a couple of great sexual relationships. There were two that went on for months and the communication and sex was great, there were also some were the communication was poor and they didn't last a week.
I then moved back to SB and tried the traditional going out around town. While sex was easy to find, most of it wasn't great because of poor communication. While this is my fault as much as my partners, it seems like that old double standard for the women still applies. While they want to have sex they sure do not want to communicate verbally about their likes and dislikes. Any thoughts or ideas for getting a woman to open up??? Maybe I should start spending time here again, especially if everyone is going to upfront about their wants and desires...

Lukeof1977 40M
5 posts
8/6/2006 6:35 am

As a man i found that quite interesting. i haven't met anyone yet but when i do i will bear a few of those points in mind.

rm_dirtyltlslut 47M/42F

8/6/2006 7:16 am

Good advice BPB, but you hurt my poor shaved heads feelings with the hair thing.[LOL]

bipolybabe replies on 8/19/2006 9:23 am:
I don't know why what I wrote about giving bald guys a second look would hurt his feeling since it was a conscious shift on my part to decide that male pattern baldness is a sign of a real dude with high testosterone.

Bald is the new long-haired dude for me. (What I'm saying is that I used to only be attracted to guys with massive locks. And, I've found I'm now also attracted to shaved, bald guys! )


JustKitt 52F

8/18/2006 9:43 pm

What about "Getting her to say 'YES, YES, OH GOD, YEESSSSS!!"?

It seems to me, that the art of getting a woman to say 'yes', is stimulating her enough to beg you for it.

So what do you stimulate her with? It's different for each woman. And it's going to take more than one date to find out.


bipolybabe replies on 8/19/2006 8:45 am:
Here's my thinking on getting a woman to "YES, YES, OH GOD, YEESSSSS!!" it takes a level of relaxation first and sexual stimulation second. I think relaxation as an access to women's sexual energy is way underrated in our culture. That's why I've emphasized the relaxation and safety issues.

I've also written in my blog about great oral sex technique, G-spot massage and ejaculatory control, because if a man has skill in one or more of those areas and...(this is important to me)...he delights in giving me pleasure, I will relax and ride over the moon. If he's just going through the motions, I know, and my response is lukewarm. For me, it takes a couple deep sessions to build trust before really rising.

I am comfortable begging for it only with a man to whom I am completely comfortable surrendering to my desire for him. Not every man is worthy of total surrender by a powerful woman. Some of them I just wanna ride for the heck of it.

So, got any other thoughts on that?


JustKitt 52F

8/20/2006 10:39 am

I agree, whole-heartedly.

Simply put, I'm a control freak. And there's no greater surrendering of control than allowing oneself to orgasm, especially at the hands (so to speak) of another. It is for this reason that I very rarely orgasm. I can count on my fingers the number of times I have cum for a man, and can count with two fingers the number of men whom I did not know well, who were able to make me cum. In those circumstances my surrender was brought about more by Liquid Courage than by trust.

I completely agree with your term "going through the motions", and nothing is less appealing than feeling like just a player in someone's usual ritual.

I was just commenting with my current playmate about how much I enjoyed our sessions together. They have never been predictable, are always new and exploratory, and I've never NOT been satisfied. Why? Because, even with "favorite positions", it is not a set series of actions that he has found to be successful. Very sexy. Very erotic.

Now that I've been thinking back to those sessions, I've gotten myself all hot and bothered. Time to go "surrender" yet one more time.

Check out my blog. I think you'll like it.


rm_B_O_H_I_C_A 54M
342 posts
8/21/2006 2:04 am

Bless you, bless you, bless you! Communication is huge. If a partner isn't doing something right, or maybe "just a little to the left" ... whatever ... being comfortable enough to say so is wonderful. We all have the same goal in mind (at least I hope so, anyway), and that's to blow our partner's mind. Understanding that just because something worked last time does not necessarily mean it'll have the same results this time helps, but if you and your partner are willing to communicate and pay attention...

Artimus4U 56F

9/5/2006 11:27 am

I disagree that this site is just about "getting to the sex". Its titled AdultFriendFinder... I took it as all topics open and openly discusssed. I also dont let anyone elses expectations for what is going to happen drive my own. As Sinderlicious once said, I have the pussy...

Ultimately people who want to rush to the end goal mostly dont take the time to stop and smell the roses.

I had my share of one night stands... they are mostly unsatisfying and boring. I enjoy people first for their intellect and a morality match up... later for their physical traits.

Interesting reading none the less....

- Artimus

Bard of Norcal

rm_HoppyHarv 90M

11/26/2006 8:36 pm

Of the topic except for one mention. Why insist on condoms, when you are going to have oral sex before or after. Doesn't make sense. Hey I have hair and testosterone!

bipolybabe replies on 12/14/2006 1:50 pm:
Oral sex has a lower risk of contracting HIV than intercourse.

A condom goes on for intercourse. A condom comes off for oral sex. A new one goes on for intercourse.

If you buy the female condoms, you can put the same one back on.


rm_catcher11111 60M
9 posts
12/14/2006 11:26 am

I`ve only read a small bit of your site, but as for what I think makes a man a decent to a great lover is simply ask what the woman likes, some men are afraid to ask, I don`t know about other men, but my mind reading skills are limited, so I will ask, sometimes even before we meet, one more thing, in meeting for the first time, people are naturally a bite nervous, I like to start with a massage, it always relaxes both of us, besides I enjoy the softness of a woman`s skin, every inch, some areas I admit get more attention, i`m a man who loves the taste and scent (nothing bad) of a woman.

Thank you for all your info, I still have plenty to read still. John

bipolybabe replies on 12/14/2006 1:48 pm:
Thanks for reading, John.

It is really just info to get you started.

And, you're right. The best way is to ask the woman in front of you.


rm_art44090 66M
607 posts
4/2/2007 5:49 am

great advice, even as I grow older....lol, there is always new things to learn.

ShowyCymesGraph 67M
31 posts
4/16/2007 9:59 pm

Written by a woman who truly loves men.... oh yeah and good sex. Thank you.

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