Time Life Guarantees Your Mental Torture  

bigandtallreturn 38M
1538 posts
8/27/2006 2:31 am

Last Read:
3/22/2008 9:46 pm

Time Life Guarantees Your Mental Torture

So, what to do when insomnia strikes, there's no sex to be had, and nobody's ever in ShayeDK's blog when you go in there?

Yep, watch late-night TV for the awful informercials, especially from Time Life's music collection.

You've seen them before: Lifetime of Romance, 70s Music Explosion, Body & Soul, Malt Shop Memories, etc.

All fine and dandy, but now they must bow down and worship the newest entry from the vast Time Life library: Classic Soft Rock! Oh yeah, bring on the Air Supply, MOTHERFUCKER!

And as soon as I think that, who else shows up to be the "special guest hosts" for this informercial... but Air Supply? Hilarious. And it's worth noting that these guys have about as much charisma as a blade of grass. We're talking stilted, unnatural delivery (all wrapped up in that wicked Australian accent) that just gets funnier as the infomercial goes on. I mean, Bobby Vinton wasn't exactly Mr. Charisma co-hosting Lifetime of Romance, but he least he looked like he actually cared for the product. Same can be said for Peabo Bryson in Body & Soul. But Russell and Graham... they look like they'd rather be out golfing or something.

And I would be remiss if I didn't mention the other host, who sadly was never named. I must ask, where do they find these people? Are they actors? Are they Time Life robots? You see these people once, you never see them again. Not even in other Time Life informericals. It's astonishing. Sadly, this woman really does next to nothing in Classic Soft Rock; for better or worse, it's the Air Supply Show. Now, the ebony chick that hosted Body & Soul... she was hot.

Anyway, if you've seen one Time Life informerical, you've seen them all. They begin by showing clips of the performers singing the songs on old music shows like Old Grey Whistle Test and the like, while the announcer (who IS the same guy throughout all the infomercials... the hosts change, but the announcer doesn't. Go figure) declares that Classic Soft Rock the best music collection you've ever heard! So it's better than The Folk Years, which was also declared the best music collection you've ever heard? Is EVERY Time Life collection automatically the best music collection you've ever heard? You'd think one of them would emerge as THE best of the best, but I guess Time Life doesn't want to open that can of worms. (And has anyone ever sent a collection back and gotten a full refund? Inquiring minds want to know. Or mine does, anyway.)

Next, we meet the hosts of Classic Soft Rock, the chick and Air Supply, who reminisce about the good old days of the early 1980s, when the music was great and the groupies were first rate. OK, I made that last one up. It's a collection spanning the 70s through the 90s, so appropriately, we begin with... Bread. Yep, they're as soft rock as it gets. And it's "Baby I'm A-Want You," which was 40 lashes with a wet noodle weak. More clips of artists are shown: Elton John singing "Daniel," Barry Manilow singing "Mandy," Hall & Oates singing "She's Gone"... OK, I feel the need to defend H&O here. They're classic R&B, not soft rock. This is not up for argument. Just listen to "She's Gone"... R&B artists of today couldn't even begin to write anything as soulful as that, and if you'll recall, H&O were white.

So, anyway, as these informercials usually do, they go back and forth between clips of the artists and Air Supply talking about how great the songs and the artists were. You wouldn't think anyone would be able to call Gino Vannelli a great artist with a straight face, but Air Supply somehow pulls it off. Maybe "Living Inside Myself" is more of a classic than we give it credit for. Or maybe Gino's poofy perm just rocked so hard. It should be noted that, usually in the first segment, you're guaranteed that the special guest host will eventually say "Hey, let's get back to the music!" And form holds here, too.

Another great thing about these informercials: the inevitable rant about how these songs are hard to find, and if not for Time Life, you'd have to scour old record stores to find these songs, only to also get a bunch of songs you really don't want. And that's over hundreds of dollars you'd have to spend! But lucky you, Time Life did the work for you. So now it's time for the rundown of all 168 songs on Classic Soft Rock, a 10 CD collection. And just in case 10 wasn't enough, they throw in a bonus CD (they always do), which here is a Best of 1977 CD.

And now... TESTIFY! And people do, talking about how great the collection is, and how they bring back wonderful memories and so on. Again, I pose the same question here as I did with the host: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Again, random actors? People they pluck off the street? Did they actually listen to all 168 of these tunes before telling us at home this collection rocks? How come, whenever they show a couple, they never have the same last name? Does marriage exist in Time Life world? More importantly, why am I wasting so much space on AdultFriendFinder talking about this? Because I'm sleep-deprived, restless, and have nothing better to do.

It's worth noting that every time we go back to Air Supply, they're playing, on acoustic guitar, their songs that are on this collection, like "All Out of Love" and "Even The Nights Are Better." But, when it comes to "Making Love Out of Nothing at All," it's a vintage clip. (BTW, how can you make love out of nothing at all? I think Jim Steinman owes us an explanation there.) Speaking of vintage clips, oh my God, it's a clip of "Into The Night" by Benny Mardones! Wow, I didn't think such footage exists. "Into The Night" is only the greatest jailbait song ever, so this was a big moment for me to finally see what Benny looks like. So, what does Benny Mardones looks like? To be nice, a poor man's Todd Rundgren. Put it this way: he looks like the kind of guy who would lust after a 16-year old.

Since this is a three-decades collection, we hit the 1990s with Bryan Adams. Jeez, Bryan has a whole list of soft rock tunes, where to choose? Time Life chose "Please Forgive Me," which is not one of his better ones. They should have gone with "Heaven." Another one from the 1990s: "Jessie" by Joshua Kadison. Man, I'd be flattered if I were Kadison. Finally, we wrap up, as both the lady host and Air Supply make one last effort to sell this "once-in-a-lifetime" collection. Hey, it has 2 Rupert Holmes songs on there, so it truly is a once-in-a-lifetime collection. Afterwards, Air Supply sexually double-team the woman right then and there on the couch. Well, no they didn't, but if they had, I might have bought the collection.

I think I've rambled on way too damn long about this, so I'll stop, but I just had to rant on this. If I was ever going to be a television reviewer, I'd review informericals. And I'd review all of them: the Oreck ones, the Girls Gone Wild ones, the Time Life ones, etc. There's such a wealth of unintentional comedy to be found in these things.

Or maybe I'm just that sleep deprived. Take your pick.

"Today may be the first day of the rest of your life, unless you live on the other side of the International Date Line, then yesterday was the first day of the rest of your life."- Larry Andersen

curiousinlorain7 60F

8/27/2006 12:16 pm

takes your hand...leads you to bed...time for some sleep now...

MamChelle 49F
1443 posts
8/28/2006 6:42 pm

maybe it is that we both are lacking that certain sleep tonic....but i have seen these infomercials! LOL. *hugs ya tight*

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