My Selfish Mourning  

beewulf9 39M
452 posts
5/7/2006 8:45 pm

Last Read:
5/14/2006 6:26 am

My Selfish Mourning

"Long goodbyes leave me so sad" Carmel

When I think of the end of something there is always a passing into something new. The circle of life. I am leaving in a few days, and I know that my part here will come to an end. I will miss my friend giving birth to a new child. My best friend will be moving to pursue a master's degree in Texas. All indications that "things will never be the the same" (Roxette).

But in all that thinking of what I will be missing or lossing I have to think of who I am. Will that change? I would like to believe that is not the case but that is not true. We always re-identify ourselves. So who is the person I see myself now? I am a horse and that will always be the same.

A horse in Asian society is seen as "Gregarious and loyal by nature, the Horse attracts many friends, but very few will know its deeper feelings. It is extremely eloquent and blossoms in company." (I really like when I am able to find a quote that strokes my ego.) Within the Asian zodic I am specific type of horse. I was born in 1978. The horse in this year is referred to as the "Horse Within the Gate." A person born in this year is said to be constrained by external forces. The gate, the place where the external forces encircles the horse, prevents the horse from roaming naturally. In many ways this can be seen as a negative thing. However, the lesson that is taught to such a horse is to endure and grow. Maybe that is why I as a horse attract so many friends- everyone must learn to endure sometime; misery loves company.

In application of these virtures to me leaving for S. Korea in three days: I am aware that I don't want to go. I would rather spend time with my best friend who I know will not be here when I return. I would rather witness the new baby of a dear friend instead of returning after four months and find the baby beginning to crawl.. I would rather tell stories with other friends I see on weekends rather than have no one to share stories with. I would rather dwell in proximity to my family so I can give them hugs. I would rather be close to a woman I want to court so I don't have to start all over again from the starting point in September. In many ways I want to be that horse in the pen and kick against the fence. I want be brutal and thurst myself through the fence. I want to leave the fence and be free. I don't want to go to S. Korea.

The truth is I will go though. I will write my only examine on Tuesday. I will come home and pack and spend my evening with my family. And when Wednesday comes I will leave at about 5 am to be at the airport. I will keep my word of the contract that I signed. I will learn to endure and grow from the experience. This will end for me and I will begin a new life there.

Doesn't change that I am finding it difficult to say goodbye, or that I am mourning.

SweetDarlinAngel 40F
2996 posts
5/8/2006 11:17 am

don't mourn, just be glad that your hiatus though long when presented to you now, will go by in the blink of an eye in your memories database. It will seem like a small glimpse of time and you will be missed. You will S Korea, and the regrets may feel strong now, I think that if you were able to change your mind, you would regret that even more. The children there will adore you, you will grow into an even more amazing teacher and in your absence, we will all miss you.


beewulf9 replies on 5/14/2006 2:43 am:
I am running under the assumption that if I don't mourn I will not appreciate that it is no longer tangible. Sometimes we need to recognize what has value and care for it... and feel sad that it is gone.

Yes my new beginning has begun. But I know things have changed drastically.


5/10/2006 9:21 am

That is beautiful. I am holding you in my thoughts and it is so nice of you to share your reflections on what you hold dear. The future I hope finds you new treasure to embrace. {=}

just a squirrel trying to get a nut

beewulf9 replies on 5/14/2006 2:47 am:
Thank you for being so kind with your comment Mo. And I hope that your future never sees you pulled from the treasures that you hold dear.

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