Early experiments  

beaudreau1833 70M
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9/7/2006 4:44 pm

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9/7/2006 5:40 pm

Early experiments

Had a conversation with an old girlfriend the other day, CP, she's one of those that you never,ever get over. She, sadly , got over me in a hurry. I fell hard for her 25 years ago, got dumped, moved 800 miles away and just to prove that god is malicious, we live in the same city--she'd been practicing law here for several years already and has been married and divorced twice.

Nothing in her life has changed her decision that we are bad for one another. There's something about her that makes me want to crawl inside her skin. I've never had that experience before or since. When we were together, and truth be told , it was only for about 8 months, I think I had a perpetual hard-on. We worked together, I was chef, she was a waitress(the one and only time I made the mistake of dating a co-worker. It's the lazy man's path to endless misery--or woman, in the interest of enlightened gender politics) We fucked 8 times one day, and I don't mean 8 quickies. She was a mess when we were finished, but she kept saying "I want you to make love to me." I couldn't resist.

Anyway, that's all over between us; if it weren't, I wouldn't be writing this, I wouldn't have time. That by the way is a joke, I had it bad but I was miserable. I wanted her more than anyone could supply. I realized later that I had met her after the end of my second marriage--a marriage I wanted to save, and after having had a lot of girlfriends whom I liked, but probably knew weren't going to be around for long, here came CP, a fellow New Englander, cast ashore in Virginia, in small town Virginia, alright in Chickencoop Hollow, Virginia. What a shitty town! We thought that was a great thing, to be able to share anecdotes about Rhode Island, and she and I were about the only people with a decent education--me with my degrees from western and mid western universities in Eng. Lit. and her with a BA in Poly Sci from UVa and going to Georgetown Law. Well it didn't and it would work even less now.

But that's not the point of the posting. She asked me over lunch the other day, in downtown New Haven, what my first sexual experience was. We had never shared stuff like that. For a long time I was reticent about my early experiences because I was embarassed. I guess she suspected that, but I've become more open about stuff in my fifties, so I guess she took a chance. I looked at her and really pondered about whether I wanted to answer this question.

I do know that you could drop a secret in her and never hear it hit the bottom so I wasn't worried about that. And then I realised that there was no reason not to tell, either her or any one who was reading this blog. So I dove in. I said, " my first experience was when I was about 5 and my sister asked me if I knew what fucking is." She was shocked, I suspect gentle reader that you are as well. Lest you waste time reading solely in the hopes that I'll come across with details, don't. I'm not happy about it, if I could undo it, believe me I would. Was it enjoyable, what we did--which was not fucking, we couldn't have if ourlives depended on it--yes, the dirty little secret of molesting children, and one of many things that it is so awful a crime is that they enjoy much of it. As the experts say, the body is a machine, and responds in ways mechanical. Your body is designed to like sex, so even if you are too young, and I was much to young, you probably like it.

But it just about ruined my life. It took me years to overcome the notion that not every woman was like my sister--having the power to turn on the sex and the likely hood of turning it off just as quickly. For, because I was younger, she had power.

For those of you--many of them men, I suppose--who subscribe to the belief that the proper way for a boy to learn about sex is from an older woman, well I am living proof that there are limits to that.

CP was shocked, and bless her saddened and compassionate. "I think I understand you better," she said taking my hand. I wish I'd known, but if I had, I don't think I'd have understood." She was right. She understands now. Part of the reason for that is that she didn't understand when we were both younger and going through our unsuccessful courtship. In other words, we learned something then and since. I guess that's what life is for, and what sex is for.

In sexual relations, and especially in how they change us AFTER we have shared them with someone, we learn a lot about the way we see the world. Only in physical love do we become so vulnerable, open to scorn and pain. CP sees now that part of my clinging to her, my insatiable thirst for her cunt, I was trying to recapture something that I had always lost before and was destined to lose again and again.

You can never fall in love for the first time again, you can never restore that feeling of wonder, but we are destined to forever try. With CP I came the closest--and my desperation frightened her away. I think we all have some of that. I also think some of us stifle it and act in a way which seems to show the opposite--I was afflicted with that for a long time. You never get over it, if you learn this too early, like I did, it's harder yet, but it is part of the air we breath as humans--it's called loneliness. And the reason you and I are on this site, is to assuage its pain for a bit.

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