angelofmercy5 60F
12148 posts
8/8/2006 6:12 am

Last Read:
8/16/2006 3:17 am


I'm going to blog about my husband today. He is NOT an ogre, or someone who has beat me or anything like that. He is a man who has to deal with many frustrations that life hands us.....and he is tired of dealing with it.

He's an angry man....inside and sometimes outside. Always, or almost always, his anger is directed at himself. For many years when our girls were little, he would leave us in crumpled emotional heaps with his outburst of self anger....and go take a nap. When he would get up, he'd feel fine! He had had his angry outburst and now felt better! He genuinely didn't understand why the girls and I were just not ready to welcome him back into the fold with open arms. We were still emotionally shattered.

There came a point in our relationship when I had to deal with cancer that I literally shut him out. It was a "survival" mode for me. We began to sleep in separate bedrooms for many reasons.....and the times we had sex became fewer and fewer. Now, I want you to know that through all of this......this man stuck it out. He never stopped trying and he never stopped loving me. For years we literally lived more like roommates than husband and wife.

I WANTED to detach from him! It just didn't hurt as much when he had his periods of anger. There is no way that I can't take them personally.

Finally, we convinced him that he was depressed. You see, my husband has Multiple Sclerosis. Now, he is one of the fortunate ones that has had it for years, and has had no crippling effects of it. But depression, memory loss and focus disorders are also part of MS. So, he went on medication......and became, once again the man I loved. But......BIG BUT......the medication had sexual side effects. Didn't take away the desire, but the ability to orgasm. So, this very sexual man would often go off the meds on his own because he couldn't stand this side effect. Well, we always knew when he was off the meds....because that angry man inside of him would surface! So, he would dutifully go back on his meds.......but inside, it would piss him off that I always knew when he was off the medication.

So, now, there are better medications for depression, and a doctor who cares that the ability to orgasm for a man is important....and the depression medication does its' job. Last year, about this time, because of my experience, we grabbed ahold again of what was really important in our life......our marriage and our relationship with each other. We moved back into the same bedroom.....and more importantly....I wanted to be with him once again inside and outside the bedroom. Our daughters noticed the change immediately.

So, what happened yesterday? Are you ready? Really ready to hear this? The truck had a flat tire. In trying to get the tire off to change it, we discovered that we needed a lug key that we didn't have....have never had....didn't even know that we needed one. My husband....for whatever fucking reason....went completely mental. Somehow, this must all be his fault, right? He ranted, he raved, his anger was unprecedented. He wanted to die....he didn't want to live anymore....he hated himself. He was trashing the truck......he wanted to die.

He finally admitted that he took himself off all his meds a week ago.....even the MS medication. And I felt myself detaching again.....I can't do this anymore. If I can't make this man happy enough that he would want to live for me.....if not for himself.....then I have failed. He wants to die....and then he tries to convince me that it has nothing to do with me? That he loves me? This is love?

The world is full of problems.....the electricity bill is too high....we're out of money. Everything that could need repaired this month needed to be repaired. Life sucks sometimes....and all of us experience this. The one thing that should remain true is that two people who love each other can walk through these hard times together hand in hand. And when one is down...the other should be able to pick them up. My man just wants to die. I have failed.

AstirRelicLatah 66M
1993 posts
8/8/2006 7:17 am


You have not failed.

If he doesn't want to live for himself, how can he want to live for you? We all go through life wanting to believe that we are connected to each other. There are times this is true and life is wonderful....but, at the same time, there are times when we're not connected and life just sucks....

I'm a very luck person...I have no debilitating diseases. I don't know what it feels like and it's been many years since a close family member had a debilitating disease...

I do remember that at the end of my mothers life after she had fought valiantly for years and years that she just wanted to let go.......It was the hardest thing in our life for us to just let her go. I don't know if it's time for your husband or not...but it sounds like he's fighting his personal demons...I have no good advice or even an idea for you... that would be presumptuous of me to have one...I only have my thoughts and wishes that all of you come through in a more peaceful and secure place....Love and ((((hugs)))) - I'm feeling very sad for you and wish I could help.


angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 8:26 am: have helped! Maybe more than you know. I just appreciate the thoughts you left here very much.

4me_n_269 66M

8/8/2006 7:20 am

You Have Not Failed
it is a hard time for sure and it hurts but hang in there don't give up sometimes you go thru a little hell for that piece of heaven

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 8:27 am:
Lewis....I don't want to give up! I really don't! Thank you for reminding me that there is sometimes a piece of heaven at the end of the fiery furnace.

amoldenough 71F
16436 posts
8/8/2006 7:32 am

Oh, sweetie, You have not failed. You did not take him off his meds. He did it himself. It almost sounds as though he is bi polar. I have a son who is bi polar, who won't take his meds. One minute he can be just as nice as possible, and the next minute he is so mad, he just wants to destroy things. You can be bi polar and have depression too. I have been treated for depression for at least 10-12 years and have been going to a therepist for 4, of and on. I know how hard it is to live with people with these disorders. PLEASE, don't blame yourself. If you need to talk, please email. Maddy PS. Can you convince him to enter the hospital?

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 8:36 am:
Maddy....thanks my friend. I really didn't think about bi-polar....but that would be just one more medication to take, wouldn't it? I know there is no shame in depression.....we all suffer from it from time to time. And it truly can be a chemical imbalance....not just something we do to ourselves. He is not suicidal......just massively unhappy.

florallei 100F

8/8/2006 7:35 am


You are not a failure. He has an illness and that unfortunately makes you carry more than your share of the load.
My ex did not have MS but he was equally ill tempered and abusive though to us with his rants and psychological abuse which left me and the children in an emotional heap.
I know you have to care for your emotional welfare. I never knew of your and cancer. God I wish I could give you a hug. Life can be so so unfair and painful
I do agree with you about Love and how when one is down the other carry you thru however in your situation YOU have been the only one to do so because of his ILLNESS. Your reserves have fizzled Hun. No one can accuse you of having enough. You are human and have needs that have not been met.
Whatever your decision is I hope you will stand by it and be strong once again.
Take care Hun.
Warm bear hugs,

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 8:37 am:
Flo.....I will gladly take the bear hug! And thanks. The hard thing is that I really don't want him to be my "Ex". But sadly, that may be where I'm heading.

pragmaticCTcpl 62M/51F

8/8/2006 7:49 am

You haven't failed if you have done all that you feel that you can do. Standing by someone you love...despite pain, hurt, and loss is never an easy thing. I'm sure you know that marriage is work. You can only give so much and beyond is simply out of your hands. It sounds like your husband needs to pick himself up and get some help. He is the only one that can make those changes. You can't will him better. I hope you both find answers and peace.

I also hope you both know that we truly care and want you both to be healthly and happy. Love you.

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 8:38 am:
Prags.....I don't know if I've done all that I can. But it is more painful to me to watch this than I know how to express. Thank you for your love and care.

horny4770 61M
8158 posts
8/8/2006 7:51 am


The world is definitely full of problems and life does suck sometimes but we all have to deal with lifes frustrations. Walking thru hard times hand in hand is one thing, but being self-required to furnish ALL the answers for another is a task that should not be asked of anyone.

As much as I admire you and all your inner strength, he may need more professional help than you can give him right now. When you do pick him up he has to want to is so precious and fragile, I hope he will see that, and soon.

My thoughts and prayers are with you...


angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 8:39 am: can I make him want to stand again? Why am I not enough to live for?

TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
8/8/2006 7:59 am

You have not failed! As someone who grew up with angry, depressed parents, and then an angry husband (for different reasons)...know that it is not you. You have done all you is up to the person himself ultimately to change. No person can do that for you. It has to come from inside.
It makes me sad as he does not realize, or is too depressed to realize, how loving and supportive you have been. You have dealt with so much Angel. I hope he goes back on the meds and gets some counseling...some men have problems with that but honestly I think it would help. Many men can't share their emotions well.
I hope he comes out of this and realizes how much he has, and how much he can lose. Please let us know how it goes....

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 10:10 am:
Thank you my sweet friend! I hope he realizes how much I love him too. I'll keep you posted....and know that I'm okay!

electriccompany 54M

8/8/2006 8:15 am


You have not failed.

Please Angel, give yourself a break. Even the best "fixxer" can't always fix everything.

Loves, hugs, prayers for you and him.

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 10:11 am: is it that you know me so well? I am truly a "fixer" and I do feel very sad about all of this. Thanks for the hugs and prayers!

rm_ironhead1956 61M
275 posts
8/8/2006 8:19 am

Oh sweetheart, YOU HAVE NOT FAILED. I have a very severe medical condition that requires so much medication that they have to change it about every 4 month's to keep it from literally poisoning me. Sometimes it is so hard for me to swallow those pills, but I do. Not for me, Lord knows I don't want to take them anymore, because of the way they make me feel. I take them because of the damage it causes the people that are close to me when I don't. SOUND FAMILIAR. It sounds to me that you have done what has been needed, now it is up to him. IT'S HIS CHOICE NOW, ENTIRELY UP TO HIM. It's time for you to take care of yourself, and your kids. Let him choose!!! This may sound hard and cold, but quess what, sometimes "LIFE SUCKS, AND THEN YOU DIE!!".

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 10:12 am:
Ironhead...thank you for sharing that! I do understand that it is awful to have to take so many medications. I personally do not take any on a regular basis....but I will if I have to at some time!

JazzDlight 60F

8/8/2006 8:19 am

I agree with Horny and Shaye...I think a therapist is needed here the sooner the better. It is nothing for him to be ashamed of by going to one, believe me I know. We all need a little help now and then and I have found from my own experience going to one and from my job working for a divorce atty that a third neutral outside party like a therapist can do wonders. Please take care and it is NOT your fault. I will repeat what Shaye said...WE are NOT responsible for other's happiness...just the same as nobody else is responsible for ours, it took me a long time to learn that lesson. Hugs, Jazz

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 8:41 am:
Jazz...thank you sweetie! And you are certainly right....therapy is needed......for both of us I'm sure. But you can't force someone to go.

sunshinekzn 59F

8/8/2006 8:36 am

I read your words and feel your pain. Your words echo deep inside myself and it feels like you have written down stories about my own life.... You are so brave to be able to share so much of yourself!

In the last few days I have started finding my way back to God. You are in my prayers!!! Take care!

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 9:29 am:
Sunshine....finding your way back to God is a good thing! And prayers are something I'll never turn down! Thanks sweetie!

HighPocKets1938 79M

8/8/2006 8:40 am


You have had trials and troubles sure, but you were there for him and he knows that too. His outbreaks were something he could not help, and for that he is not to blame. Every illness causes changes that can and do bring much sorrow and unhappines into anyones life.


Just be there for him as always, and love him as always


There is always a reason for things that happen, BOTH THE GOOD AND THE BAD, and this is one of those times. YOU WILL WEATHER THIS AS ALWAYS, AND THINGS WILL GET BETTER AGAIN SOON.You know you can always use my shoulder anytime you want dear, please IM me any time you need to. I will be here

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 8:48 am:
I DO love him HP! But I just don't want to hurt anymore.

rm_SWSunset64 52F
3940 posts
8/8/2006 8:45 am

You have not failed yourself or your husband. I will keep in my thoughts and prayers.



angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 9:30 am:
SW....thank you! I do feel like I have failed though. Its very hard to live in the "down" times.

twirly_girl 48F

8/8/2006 9:34 am

There's so much I want to say here that I'm at a loss for words.
I'll probably send you an email later today or tonight when I can
think a little clearer.
Love ya,



angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 10:13 am:
Thank you Nic! I appreciate that! I really do!

drivinthrough 62M

8/8/2006 9:59 am

    Quoting horny4770:

    The world is definitely full of problems and life does suck sometimes but we all have to deal with lifes frustrations. Walking thru hard times hand in hand is one thing, but being self-required to furnish ALL the answers for another is a task that should not be asked of anyone.

    As much as I admire you and all your inner strength, he may need more professional help than you can give him right now. When you do pick him up he has to want to is so precious and fragile, I hope he will see that, and soon.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Angel there may not be a way that you can help him want to stand. It may be time to find help so you can stand easier though, for if you fall then all those who love you will lose including him. we are all praying for you Angel. I wish I could take this pain from you, for we have given me such joy in the short time I've known you.

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 12:26 pm:
Drivin....I can't tell you how much your comment meant to me! You are very right here. And, if I've given you even a moment of joy....that makes me happy! Thank you!

rm_Ptalk1155 35M
3450 posts
8/8/2006 10:13 am

If I've learned anything from dealings with my sister, it's that's not how it works. Love is a powerful emotion, but often not as powerful as fear, doubt, confusion, and self-hatred all rolled into one.

The only person who can keep us standing is ourselves. We are responsible for our lives wholly and totally. The best our loved ones can do is offer their hands when we need a lift. You have done that, but it is his choice to take that hand.

He has to make the decision to stay on his meds if they solve the problem, or he has to figure out what the root cause of his problem is and solve that instead. Therapy can help with both, but I find that no amount of therapy will ever save anyone who isn't willing to be saved.

And also, it is good to remember that we say lots of things in the heat of the moment we don't mean, particularly if we're chemically imbalanced.

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 12:27 pm:
Ptalk....thank you sweetie! It means alot that you understand here. You are right, things are said in the heat of the moment....and I try to take that into account. I'm just "wired" to want to make everyone happy! And it feels like failure that he is not!

rm_goddess1946 107F
13518 posts
8/8/2006 10:35 am

His feeling as though he wants to die has nothing to do
with you. If you really feel like this is about YOU, then
you need to see someone to help you release this as well.

What I'm about to write may or may not be of help. Only you can decide when you are going to breathe in some peace about anything in this world. What I am offering here is not written with a spirit of anything but sincere love. No judgement...just a reminder that...

Healing is an interesting thing. Come on Angel. You know
this. Don't get on the *I'm responsible for the world wagon*
It's a heavy load that will kill you after it breaks every bone
in your way or another. Fact. The energy can kill you
and you need to own the fact that you are not all powerful to create pain, distruction, salvation or change for another. It also has to do with him loving himself not about loving or being loved by you. Get that before the other energies hurt you worse than you are feeling now. You can not do anything about what he is feeling other than to direct him towards medical and emotional help. You are no help to him or yourself or to anyone unless you get a grip yourself. You do have something to say about how YOU are responding!

What I am saying is... Consider the thought that....
You are not responsible for what anyone else is feeling. You are
responsible for how YOU are either managing or not managing your
own emotional state of being and you know this. Only because I
sincerely care about you will I choose to remind you of this.

sending you love.
You know where I'm at when you are ready to take
a breathing break. You have something to say about that too. {=}

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 12:30 pm:
Goddess.....I SO needed to be reminded of this. You may have to tell me a hundred more times though....I'm just warning you. You know of my childhood...and feeling responsible when my parents fought. When hubby gets this way....I revert immediately to that little girl. I'm ready to take the breathing break......I'll call you tomorrow!

sexymamma662003 32F

8/8/2006 10:48 am

im very sorry to hear about that. i had to deal with simmilair issues with my father.

i hope all is well for you


angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 12:31 pm:
Sexy.....thank you for telling me that. It helps to know that there are people like you who understand.

marywannado 44F

8/8/2006 10:51 am

Oh, hugs to ya hon... NEVER think that you failed, it's just that some people really feel that way,they just can't help it, I know. You just have ta keep on lovin em...

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 12:32 pm:
Mary....thank you! I know he can't help it....I guess it is time to help myself find a better way to respond to it.

readyforanythg69 63F
9 posts
8/8/2006 11:53 am

Dearest Angel.........
In your reply to Horny, you asked, 'Why can't I be enough to live for?' You need to know that you actually really are enough....BUT....he has to want to live for HIMSELF first....and until he does.....nothing else matters. Forget the guilt! No one is 'guilty' here! As was said.....LIFE SUCKS sucks a LOT of the time. It is what it is, and everyone has their own way of dealing...or NOT dealing with it. All you can do is be there for him...if he lets you....and if he doesn''ve done what you can. My thoughts and prayers are with you....and I'll always be here for you...just say the word. Good luck my friend.

PrincessKarma 44F
6188 posts
8/8/2006 11:58 am

1. YOU have NOT failed. You NEVER did.

2. He CHOSE to go off the meds.

3. You now have to act in the way that YOU feel is BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTERS.

4. I cannot tell you what is best, none of us can; only YOU can decide that.

5. WHATEVER the decision, you have our LOVE and SUPPORT. ALWAYS.

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 1:19 pm:
Princess....thank you for that love and support! I am praying here now, even as I read your comment! I know he chose to go off the meds is a hard thing to deal with. And to not blame myself. Thank you again.

a123rat 50M
1113 posts
8/8/2006 12:04 pm

You have not failed. Failure only occurs when you quit trying. As hard as the road is to travel, you are not the type to give up. There are always new avenues to explore and the landscape is constantly changing. I hope that you will find the next hill easier to climb.
Remember that his outbursts are no more your fault than medical side effects are his fault.

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 12:34 pm:
123.....I need to thank you for reminding me that the medical side effects are NOT his fault. Neither are the symptoms of his disease his fault. I guess, I see him as a stronger person than he sees himself....and I expect him to choose not to have these outbursts!

EroticaXTC 51F

8/8/2006 12:34 pm

I know I'm just going to be echoing everyone before me, but the failure is his and not yours. Deep down you know that the only responsibility you have before God is to yourself. Everyone is given the power of free will, and the choices they make are theirs alone. That doesn't mean that what he's doing isn't wrong for himself or his family, but you don't have the power to change his mind. He has to come to those decisions by himself for them to ever work. I know this is hard for you, and the struggle can be overwhelming at times. Ultimately, your husband, and each of us, belong to God. Give this worry, this problem up to Him. He's the only one who has the full power to resolve in the way he sees fit. Many Many Big Hugs to you angel!{=}{=}{=}

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 1:20 pm:
Erotica....thank you for understanding. It does feel overwhelming...but I do know that the decision is his to make. I will lean on God....and my friends. Thank you so much!

rm_aWench4U 62M/62F
741 posts
8/8/2006 1:37 pm


I echo the thoughts of everyone so far as well. I do want to add one thing tho in response to your comment to a comment about it still FEELS like you've failed.

Years ago I heard a story about a train as an analogy for the three parts of our thinking, which the speaker called Feelings, Facts and Focus. She said so often we allow our Feelings to be the engine and lead the way, followed by Facts and the caboose is our Focus. She said the only thing we can control is our Focus, so we have to switch our Focus to the engine and our Feelings become the caboose, because the Facts don't change. The funny thing is, when we Focus on God, our Feelings usually will change. I find that when I acknowledge He is in control of the situation, I can release whatever I'm holding onto that is causing me to hurt, and I find peace.

My prayer for you sweet Angel is that you will find peace. I'm also praying for a happy ending to this situation, but that may take some time. His peace is available to us now. Blessings and hugs to you.


Remember the past but do not dwell there.
Face the future where all our hopes stand.


angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:26 pm: really ARE an angel. Thank you for reminding me who the source of my peace really is. I WILL change my focus! I promise. ~hugs~

40lovesetmatch 61M

8/8/2006 1:38 pm

My father went through a very lon debilitating disease and died unaware of those he loved around him. As the disease progressed, his ability words together sentences disappeared. His life was sentences. He was a minister.

One of the last coherent things he said to me before he became unresponsive was that he was sorry we couldn't talk. You still have that. Make use of it for as long as it last. It will be your treasure.


angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:27 pm:
Thank you James! You are right....we CAN still talk. And I'm sorry about your Dad!

sassy1296 52F

8/8/2006 1:43 pm

You have not failed. Never and in no way.

It is easy for someone on the outside of things looking in to offer advice but I do agree. Some councilling for him , and for you as well. I am not saying you are in need of it , but it would be nice for you to have someone to talk to, who can show you that in no way are you to think you have failed.

Wishing you Both the best. And your kids too. Hugs all around.

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:28 pm:
Sassy.....I think we would both benefit from counseling. I already called my doctor today for some help in finding a counselor for me. Thank you for the good wishes and the hugs! I really needed it!

free2chose2 67F

8/8/2006 2:13 pm

ANGEL, I didn't take the time to read previous comments, been having trouble with my server today, so on sometimes,locked out others.
You know it's not your fault. It is totally his decision. He has to understand he is not less of a person/MAN if he needs meds to stabilize himself. He's acting like an insulin dependent diabetic who feels using insulin/needles shows some personal weakness to their total being rather than a life saving mechanism.-Sorry for lengthy reply.

Don't worry, be Happy

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:30 pm:
Free....I know that you are in nursing like me....and I do understand that having to take meds every day for the rest of your life is frustrating at times. When he packs up to go out of town....he probably has to spend more time getting his meds ready than his clothes. But he needs them! I WANT him to take them....but I also know that I can't force him to take them. Thanks for the great comment!

spacecadet561 61M

8/8/2006 2:14 pm

Ok, for the umpteenth time: YOU HAVE NOT FAILED. He has made some choices with which you disagree, choices which call into question his commitment to you and your children. If he feels that he is failing to live up to that commitment, then perhaps pointing out all the ways he has fulfilled that commitment will help him see that he is not a complete failure. You seem to be at least adequately provided for in material terms. This is the first mention I've caught of problems with his sexual performance, although I still don't seem to be hearing you complain about it. He's not Superman, no mortal is. You're not Superwoman, either. You're both mortal, human, prone to failure. Success is picking yourself back up and trying again and getting it right often enough to stay alive and make the world a better place for your having been here.

Finally, a somewhat corny line from It's a Wonderful Life (slightly paraphrased): "No one is a failure who has friends."


angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:32 pm:
Spacecadet.....His sexual performance is just fine on the meds he's on now....unless there's somethint he's not telling me. Thanks for reminding me of that line from Its a Wonderful Life....which also happens to be one of my favorite movies! You're a sweetie!

Greekgirl4u06 40F

8/8/2006 2:32 pm

oh my word, you didnt fail at all, it was his decision to stop the meds, you have stuck it out with him where many other woman would have deserve more praise then i could give stay strong and you do what your heart tells you to do.

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:33 pm:
Thanks Greekgirl.....I do feel stronger tonight! Thanks for the support!

Fox4aKnight1 44F

8/8/2006 3:13 pm

I love you angel. .... I tried to email you but you turned your profile off. I am here to talk to if you want. My profile is turned on if you want to talk. I have some inkling of what you are going through. Being bi-polar as you know inclines or use to incline me twoards the same things that your husband is gong through. I want you to know that I have admired you both ever since i knew. I also want you to know that I am here. talk to me if you want or need to. email me here and I will be happy to give you my email if you like.


angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:35 pm:
Thanks Kelli! I didn't know that my profile was turned off. Early today I couldn't get to my blog either! Hmmmmmm.....I'll have to check into that! Email me later if you can....and hugs right back to you!

MaggiesWishes 61F

8/8/2006 3:37 pm

Lifeline ... girlfriend.
I'm here for you, if you need me.
Goddess has information # for me.
Love & warm huggies to ya Sis.

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:35 pm:
Thanks Mags.....I just may call her and get that if you don't mind.

LTsGirl915 35F

8/8/2006 3:40 pm

Plz email me. I'd love to talk off the blogs, I can tell you I've BTDT, and feel for you. You have NOT failed, honey... hang in there!!!

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:36 pm:
LTsGirl.......thank you! I'll email you! I'm hanging in here...actually feeling a little better tonight.

PlaynAgain 55F

8/8/2006 4:09 pm

I know EVERYONE on here has said this isn't your fault and given all the reasons why so I won't repeat the truth. I can identify with what you're going through. I dealt with it myself, first with my mother then with my husband. My mom had MS and (known with hind sight) was bi-polar. Even though I knew intellectually that the cruel things she would say or do were not personal - were just the product of her disease - emotionally I ALWAYS got sucked in. It wasn't until I got counselling after the co-dependent marriage that experience set me up for that I was able to break the cycle.

Most here are saying he needs counseling - and they're right - but you should get some for you too. It will help give you the objectivity you need to survive this relationship - whether you stick with it or leave it. Please know my thoughts and best wishes are with you. Even though I don't know you, I know your pain, and hate that anyone has to feel what you are feeling.

"Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain."

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:38 pm: means alot to me that you would stop by and tell me that you have been through this also. Emotionally.....I really do get sucked in.....and I think you are absolutely right that I should seek counseling myself. Thank you and I hope to get to know you a little better!


8/8/2006 4:25 pm

I want to hug you and love you and let you know it is okay to feel like this....but my spirit is telling me to tell you something more though and please don't think I mean it mean but angel...STOP IT!

Remember your miracle!
Remember your blessings!
Remember the conquerer!
When one is weak...the other is strong!
When one is sick....the other must carry!
Don't listen to the lies of the whisperer that ones you to claim defeat!

You are a survivor of it all! You are loved, beloved, and can fight your way through anything you choose too! Praying, hoping, and standing in your corner! I love you and hope you feel me! Becasue of HIM!

just a squirrel trying to get a nut

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:40 pm:
Mo.....I have tears in my eyes as I type this! You are really and truly wonderful to remind me that because of HIM I can stand strong. And that you are praying and hoping gives me hope too!

FrankPicasso 53M

8/8/2006 4:45 pm

Hi, Angel. Am I correct in assuming that your husband is generally a more happy and healthy guy when he's on his meds? If so, have you made it clear to him that that is more important than anything else, including sex? If so, is he willing to go that road with you? I hope you can work together to find that balance. And I know you're trying really hard. But he needs to know that he's about to lose you unless he stays on the meds permanently. My best wishes to you and your family, Angel.

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:42 pm:
Frank.....I believe that I have made it very clear that I'd rather walk down the street proudly holding his hand than ever have sex again if that was the case! I love him. We can work together.....I believe that we will work together....I HOPE we will work together. Thank you Frank! From the bottom of my heart!

heavensent11236 53F

8/8/2006 4:45 pm


My take on things. Before I go into that though, wanted to say are you sure we are not sisters, we have entirely too much in common. But now, onto your husband and you thinking you've failed.
My advice is this, YOU need to see a pyschiatrist and no not because anything is wrong with you but for a multitude of reasons. While you say he directs all his anger at himself, lets be real, you and your girls walk around on eggshells because if everything isn't perfect who knows whats going to set him off next time, into the self-pity mode, thats called enabling him.
His illness is like any other addiction someone might have and THEY have to want to do something about it, you can try to help them all you can but ultimately it's THEIR choice to take the medication that will help them or not. When are YOU going to stop thinking you failed him when I see it as he failed you, by not taking his meds, by not being responsible enough, knowing what happens when he's off the meds.
So, your suppose to monitor his every move until when? Stop mothering him and making excuses for him, make him responsible for his own actions.

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:45 pm:
Heaven.....maybe we ARE sisters! lol But thank you for stopping here tonight.....and it is almost as if you live in my home. I saw a counselor for a short time awhile back.....and I almost didn't know why I was there. But I could see one now and understand that in many ways I am his enabler! I feel almost like not mothering him will seem like I don't love him! I do need some help in sorting that out!

vrec_dawn 41M

8/8/2006 4:54 pm

I wish there was something great and insightful I could say to make it all better. Unfortunately this is reality. And the reality is that one person's love isn't enough for two people. You can love him until you fall to pieces and it won't be enough. He has to love himself. And if he can't love himself, he's just going to drag you down, and down, and down, until you either stop loving him or yourself or both. As sad as distancing is, one person in the shitter of his own accord is better than two. But maybe time will heal some wounds.

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:45 pm: is sad, isn't it? Thanks my friend for stopping by!

2375 posts
8/8/2006 5:01 pm

Oh Angel, I know exactly what you are dealing with. My husband is bi-polar, severe, with psychotic episodes. He has been on a cocktail of meds for 8 years. We have no sex life because, as you said, the meds take care of that, although he has no desire in addition to the impotence. Believe it or not, Viagra DOES help even on the meds. Talk to his doc about this being a possibility. As for him wanting to die, YOU CAN'T CONTROL HIS FEELINGS! His depression is a chemical imbalance and if he were chemically balanced, he would probably not feel this way. My husband tried to commit suicide 5 years ago and very nearly succeeded. It was horrible, he was in a coma for 12 days. I was so ANGRY with him and it took a long time to forgive him for doing this to himself and our family. But then I realized he had no control over it. And neither do you! It is what it is and you can't change that. My heart goes out to you and please know that if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen, I'm always here. Try to stay strong for yourself and your girls, and yes, even for him. Big hugs and kisses!

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:47 pm:
Thanks Akron.....for all the love and support from a girl from my hometown! I'm amazed at how many people have contacted me who are going through similar things! I really appreciate the shoulder!

papyrina 52F
21133 posts
8/8/2006 5:18 pm

you haven't failed at all,i know how much he has hurt you as i said exactly the same to my husband during the real big arguement earlier in the year,i watched him walk round for a week with the greyist of skin a living man could have,i took all his spirit away from him,it was the cruelest thing i ever said to him,not that i realised at the time i said it,at that time i was thinking only of me and me only and yes at times i wished i were dead,like an easy end to difficulties,had i screamed i wanted a divorce he would have found it easier.

We sat and talked and he explained all his feelings of having failed me,he hadnt failed me at all,i had failed both of us.

hugs ,i'm always here if you need a strange hand to hold or an ear to rant,

I'm a

i'm here to stay

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:49 pm:
Sweet Papy.....thanks for the hand to hold. And for telling me about your experience from the other side of all of this. I do see that sadness in him....and I do love him.

rm_dimples565 69F
24436 posts
8/8/2006 5:36 pm


I know exactly what you are going through except my husband is 100% disabled, 24/7 care, totally helpless and can not do anything except listen with his right ear, he is deaf in left, and is blind also. He can speak but only with difficulty suffering from aphasia.

Life stopped for him in 1995. He was already in a wheelchair, but had been in physical therapy for three years, was beginning to walk parellel bars. I could see that within 6 months he would have been walking with a walker.

At a clinic visit at a VA hospital an unclean procedure was done on him giving him a strep infection in his blood and septicema. He was then left helpless. We have to do every single thing for him, feeding, bathing, moving by hoyer lift, we even have to clean his nose. It has been a down hill battle with him slowly weaning away and he took has had great anger which he takes out on me. Trying to bite me, and succeeding once to where it took a year to get the feeling and nail back and calling me a f---ing bitch. All he talked about was wanting to die.

I finally got him to admit he felt like a burden and my life would be easier without him. He wanted me to stop giving him his medication and let him die. I can't do that. I am not enough for him to want to live even though he gets the best care and will eventually within the next few years or sooner die on his own. I have been hurt and humiliated to say the least. He was also left totally impotant from this tragic mistake.

I tried to look your profile up and seen it was off. Was wondering your age. Did your husband serve in Vietnam and get exposed to agent orange? The government has excepted that as a service connected disability if you came down with multiple sclerosis and was there.

I have been in severe depression before and you do hurt those you love with anger. You want to make them love you less so it wont hurt so bad when you die.

I have homecare help which helps alot so I can get out and do something with my life. I went to college, became a massage therapist so I would have a means of support when he dies. He has almost no life insurance, no one will insure him but the government.

His seizures have now progressed from petite mal to gran mal. We are living on a time clock. He could die tomorrow, next month, next year or longer. The doctors say with my loving care he has lived over 5 years longer than they expected and he takes that out on me.

His meanness has chased people from seeing him. Our grandkids (from my sons) are afraid of him.

I have done nothing but give, give, and he doesnt appreciate it he just wants to let him die.

It really hurts to see someone you love have no quality whatso ever of life.

The doctors suggested it was time for his advanced directives to be put in order, and even though I am conservator and full guardian I let him make his own choices with his doctor. No resessitation, no machines and any more very serious infections like septicema he wants no more antibiotics and the doctor agreed with him and said he did a good job.

I know I will probably get slammed for this, but after 11 years of this I was about to explode. I had to do something to give myself something that would help me through this that is away from here so I started dating. He doesnt know, he has no way of finding out since he has no visitors and is housebound except for visits to the VA hospital. I went nine long years without any physical contact at all. It was enough to just lay next to him in bed. When we had to move to this bigger handicapped house, he no longer wanted me in his room.

I have found that this has helped me be more patient with him, and I will continue until he dies to keep him out of the hands of those awlful nursing homes and care for him here at home. I want him to die with some dignity.

Your husband needs to have counciling along with his meds. I think an inpatient program would benefit him and it would give you and the kids a break.

Your husband still has alot of quality of life left, maybe he needs to see those less fortunate. If he can't work, maybe he needs to volunteer at a nusing home or veterans hospital to see how really bad life is for others. He may learn to appreciate what he has more and appreciate you more. I wish he could see my husband, yours would bless the life he has.

It is a lonely empty feeling not to feel appreciated. We give and give and give and we forget to give to ourselves. Well I am giving to myself now and am very happy with the choice I have made even though it may be wrong.

Good luck to you and hope things will improve.

A Drama Free Blog with Smiles


angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:54 pm:
Dimples...well, you won't get slammed for me! I just highly respect your dedication to his care. As I am in nursing.....I know exactly what that care entails. My husband works full time....and hard! He is very fortunate that he is NOT disabled from this disease. But my hope and prayer is that we can both get counseling and work this out. I don't want him to become bitter and for others not to want to be around him. I watched him tonight hugging our grandsons....and they love him so much! Thank you for sharing this with me. And I will be praying for you too!

sexyariesgirl 58F

8/8/2006 5:46 pm

Angel.....I cannot add anything to what has already been said here darlin. Just know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Power To FOK

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:55 pm:
Sexy....I knew I could count on you to be praying for me! Thank you!

rm_disabled59 58M
41 posts
8/8/2006 6:34 pm

you have not failed! when one becomes a mate to amother we can and do support each other and it seems you suuport your partner. angel you can not let this situation pull you downinto it ifthis happens then you are in the hole he has dug with him and cannot help the other out. I know this because I am terminal with a heart disease and the depression is bad and the cost of mends just to stay here a little longer is stifling. If my partners crawled down here in my depression with me no one would see the light at the end of the tunnel because we are blinded by the depression. BE There!!!! he will respond and come around it takes time and they have to want to come out before they will accept the ladder you have extended. wish I was close to you to help with some ofthe things and remember they are just things. hope you situation improves soon, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

bigandtallreturn 38M

8/8/2006 7:09 pm

If anyone knows the "defeatist" mode, it's me. And it's gotten me nowhere. And it won't get you anywhere, either.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You were there, since 12 years old... so clearly, you held up your end. He hasn't held up his, from where I stand.

All you can do is stay strong.

"Today may be the first day of the rest of your life, unless you live on the other side of the International Date Line, then yesterday was the first day of the rest of your life."- Larry Andersen

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 7:56 pm: isn't that he hasn't held up his end. He has stuck with me through some really tough times. I almost completely shut him out of my life at one point....and yet he stayed and hoped! I just don't want to shut him out ever again! Thanks sweetie....and I promise to stay strong.

mysticdreamangel 62F
2759 posts
8/8/2006 7:26 pm


I am writing this without reading a word from the comments you have received! May you know that you have not failed and neither has he...

The world we live in at times sucks and each of you are fighting a battle that can be won!

I know, I saw that first hand today and life at times is not pretty...

May each of you find the solice you are looking for and know that life is a gift...

Hugs to you my dear Lady and not even reading the words from others I now in my heart you are loved!

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 9:05 pm:
Mystic....your words meant alot to me tonight. It is my fervent hope that he realizes that life is a gift! Thank you.

rm_Bladesong 41F
476 posts
8/8/2006 7:50 pm

Wow Angel,

Where do I begin. I don't think your husband is an ogre, etc. I do not know exactly what you are going through but I do understand. My husband does not have Multiple Sclerosis but he does have Fibromyalgia. He was diagnosed with it 3 to 4 years ago. I was still fairly young when he got it and it has been a very hard hurdle to get past let alone stay together through. I don't say this to diminish how you are feeling. Quite the contrary I think I can understand what you are going through.

Like with your husband, I can usually tell if my husband has cut back his medication or stopped taking them all together. I can understand the need and the want for people to want to do this. However, what people with chronic pain conditions need to realize is they can't do it for their own health and those around them. The medication for them is not an addiction but is something that hopes them cope day to day. This was said by my husbands chronic pain doctor and he was right about that. Being on medications can be difficult however being off them are worse than people who have chronic pain like your husband. His angry mood is proof of this. So is his wanting to die. It is his depression coming out because of being off the meds. The thing about meds is if you don't take them regularly they don't have the same affect and sometimes no affect. Sometimes they can even cause worse symptoms then not being on the medication in the first place.

Having been around my husband when he gets in his depression and not wanting to live I can say this. It is not YOU! It is not even him to blame for wanting to die. It is the conditions fault. This is the thing that I have found that has help me deal with my husband's condition. My husband can't help what the condition has done to him. So the way that we have found that may or may not work for you guys is Hate the disease and not yourselves or even each other. By hating the disease we could work together to fight the disease together. Rather than blaming each other or ourselves for what we can and can not do we blame the disease and then Fight together to fix it. Now don't get me wrong we have our issues and constantly fight because of the disease. So I so understand how you feel. It is very very very tough sometimes. It is very hard to sit back and watch someone you love go through something that you and him can not help. You feel helpless and many other things.

I have often thought the very same things as you. I am a failure because I can't do enough for my husband for him not to hurt. I can take care of my friends but I can't even take care of my lover. I also have felt like a failure because he still gets depressed and wonders why he is here and why he goes through so much pain. He also wonders if I wouldn't be better off without him. That one kills me most of all because it makes me feel like a failure the most. It also makes me wonder why anyone would love me if I can't make them happy or cheer them up. But the thing that you and I need to realize is it has nothing to do with us or our failure. It has to do with our lovers and husband's feeling helpless and that they have failed themselves and us because of the disease.

I am not being judge mental of the situation. And I am not trying to sound like I know everything or anything that your going through. I am just hoping by you know someone else has felt the same way under similar circumstances it might help you. The one thing I know though is your a beautiful person. You are not a failure! You can make it through and will. Your a very strong person. Know my thoughts are with you and my wishes as well. If you need a friend or anything feel free to drop me a line.


~It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved!

Be Good to those around you!


angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 9:06 pm: dear little angel you! The things you have gone through at such a young age! Thank you for sharing this with me. I know that I can be strong....and I know that deep down he loves me. I will hang on to that hope!

PlaynAgain 55F

8/8/2006 7:54 pm

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 10:38 pm: means alot to me that you would stop by and tell me that you have been through this also. Emotionally.....I really do get sucked in.....and I think you are absolutely right that I should seek counseling myself. Thank you and I hope to get to know you a little better!

Please feel free to e-mail me.

"Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain."

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 9:07 pm:
Thanks my friend! I will.

impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
8/8/2006 8:05 pm

I'm sorry Angel. I'm sorry this trail has come into your life. You cannot take this on as yours. Like any other addiction, sickness, the one who gets to make the choices is seldom able to see clearly enough to make those choices. Al-anon taught me that I can no more change the addict than I can count the sands on the shore, all I can do is change me. Change the way I allow myself to be "used". You are no more a failure than I was when I couldn't make my son quit drinking. All you can do dear Angel, is stand strong, love him if he will let you, and refuse to be pulled into the mud of self blame. I have walked this road...I have tried to be the FIXER, I have tried to give my son the WILL, the WANT and the NEED to be well, only to learn in the end that HE is the only one capable of doing that. My hand I offer to you - my heart is already there.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

angelofmercy5 replies on 8/8/2006 9:08 pm:
Thank you Impish. I will take that hand you offer....and I hold your heart dear to me! I know you understand....and I'll take any words of wisdom you have. You know know he is a wonderful man!

amoldenough 71F
16436 posts
8/8/2006 9:12 pm

Angel, as several people have said, even if he won't go to therepy, you need to find a good therepist that will help you understand the reasons for his actions, and your own reaction to him. Best of luck in this . It's not going to be easy, but I think you are a strong woman and after the first shock and blame and feelings of guilt art over with, you will be fine and you will know what to do. Big hugs

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."

rm_sensual5591 62F

8/8/2006 9:27 pm

I could not possibly top anything that has already been said here, Angel. You're so brave to share this story with all of us. I hope you feel all the love and prayers that are expressed here for you.
You have not failed, Girl. Neither has he. He's just making some maybe poor, maybe desperate choices. Illness will do that to us.
Remember Angel, God brought you to this, God will take (guide) you through. And God never gives us more than we can handle. So you both will handle it with LOVE.
Keep us posted, Angel. Love and prayers to you both.

jakhx 49F

8/8/2006 9:52 pm

Thank you for sharing your pain. I am married to a similar man and keep asking myself why I am still with him, hence why I am on I so much so try try try to take care of my spirit and my children's spirits firstly. We cannot change the men that we are with,but we can learn from them. My husband has been my best teacher(most painful). Good luck my friend.

rm_dk2k2000 49M

8/8/2006 10:47 pm

I appreciate you inviting me to your blog. I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time with your husband. I hope that it works out for you.

clitalicious67 50F

8/8/2006 10:49 pm

You haven't can only help those that help themselves and taking the meds is what he has to do...I am sorry you are hurting but don't take responsibility for this...

Peace and healing


rm_dk2k2000 49M

8/8/2006 10:53 pm

One more thing, you as a person are not a failure. We sometimes mearsure ourselves by what other people believe to be what is successful and what is not. You being here as a part of this blog sharing your feels with complete strangers says how much a success your really are and from all the responses that I see that you get from everyone here you are truely a person who is successful as a true friend. I hope I can say that one day. Peace be with you sweet lady.

redrobin012057 61F

8/8/2006 11:38 pm

Angel you have not failed.I waited and watched these comments and I agree with each and every one of them.Have a sense of self and of purpose,your a strong brave woman,and I know that from your posts.And this too shall pass.Although we may live half a world a are still my friend.

LustyTaurus 49M
21253 posts
8/8/2006 11:46 pm

    Quoting rm_goddess1946:
    His feeling as though he wants to die has nothing to do
    with you. If you really feel like this is about YOU, then
    you need to see someone to help you release this as well.

    What I'm about to write may or may not be of help. Only you can decide when you are going to breathe in some peace about anything in this world. What I am offering here is not written with a spirit of anything but sincere love. No judgement...just a reminder that...

    Healing is an interesting thing. Come on Angel. You know
    this. Don't get on the *I'm responsible for the world wagon*
    It's a heavy load that will kill you after it breaks every bone
    in your way or another. Fact. The energy can kill you
    and you need to own the fact that you are not all powerful to create pain, distruction, salvation or change for another. It also has to do with him loving himself not about loving or being loved by you. Get that before the other energies hurt you worse than you are feeling now. You can not do anything about what he is feeling other than to direct him towards medical and emotional help. You are no help to him or yourself or to anyone unless you get a grip yourself. You do have something to say about how YOU are responding!

    What I am saying is... Consider the thought that....
    You are not responsible for what anyone else is feeling. You are
    responsible for how YOU are either managing or not managing your
    own emotional state of being and you know this. Only because I
    sincerely care about you will I choose to remind you of this.

    sending you love.
    You know where I'm at when you are ready to take
    a breathing break. You have something to say about that too. {=}
What Goddess said is very much what I wanted to say..she just says it better.

From a man's perspective...and one who has been and sometimes still is depressed and angry...there is very little you can do FOR him...and it just isn't about you at all. (in that you are not contributing directly to his state of obviously affects you though)

His depression and anger is rooted in frustration and probably there is a huge canyon between how he views himself and where he wants to be. Only he has the ability to come to terms with the reality of his situation and limitations.

I will pray that you find the strength to face and find peace in your own reality and that you both can find the help you need.

rm_unlistedone 66M
2718 posts
8/9/2006 12:39 am

Angel... a lot of people here pulling, thinking, praying, hoping for the best for the both of you. You know I'm in your corner... especially when it comes to your well being. You can count on that, I hope you know. That holds true for your whole family. What has been said here by many, I can't add to... but will agree with them.

Another pal of ours got hold of me, and told me I/we were needed... that both our prayers were needed. (And the prayers have been asked.)

Good friends are all around you both... all you need to do is ask. Blogland may be cyber, but the love and faith that shows up here, when needed, is very real. So is the love and caring we share for you. 143, me

Panthiest 74M

8/9/2006 2:25 am

Your husband is in a jam. On one hand he probably wants to take his medicine and be the guy you loved but on the other hand if he takes it he can't function as your lover. In psychology this is called "The Double Bind" Damned if you do and damned if you don't and it can drive people mad.

Angel, you might be able to help him, but not directly. If somebody gets hit by a speeding car would you tell his wife it's her duty, her responsibility, to take him home and heal him?

No. You would call an ambulance and send him to the nearest E.R. you could find. Just so, if you want to take responsibility, then you have to get him to professional help. If you're going through heavy turnmoil, and how could you not be, then not only do you need to get him to professional help, you need healing yourself. You've been getting sick fairly often lately - as a nurse you know that stress plays a significant role in our immune system's ability to fight off dis-eases. Please take care of yourself.

If he doesn't want to heal himself all you can do is try to motivate him to get the help he needs - but if he won't, then you have to save yourself because a drowning person can't save anybody. It's not about giving up or failure. It's about doing the best you can do for himfor your family and yourself. Take good care of yourself Angel.
Hugs and loads of love for you....


8/9/2006 3:59 am

you have not failed at all.. Its unfortunate he is in a dark cloud and can not see any light come his way.. Has nothing to do with his feelings for you.. you are his light and he knows it. But he needs to be pushed to get the help he needs.. its out there and the meds are so important if used correctly...
You my dear are no failure at all...
in my prayes and under the stars..
love you truly

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat

Harpocrates7 43M

8/9/2006 4:42 am

"Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change." --Malcolm X

You have so much great advice from the responses above, I was unsure what else to say in order to help. Thank you for your candor in your blog.

libgemOH 57M/53F

8/9/2006 5:15 am

Sweetie....the biggest danger in being a fixer is when it just can't be fixed. This is NOT your fault and you have NOT failed!!! He suffers from depression, a medical disorder and even nurse Angel can't fix it all!!!

Angel, detachment can be a good thing. It can keep you sane when the unfixable is going on in your life. But detach with love. You can love the man and detach from the behavior! YOU CAN!!!!

I would love to talk with you about some personal stuff that might help you out a bit, some stuff from my life that I won't reveal in such a public forum. If you would like to talk with me, email me here and we can exchange contacts. I will leave this up to you.

Most of all, Angel, a very big for you and know that you are not alone and do not need to fight your demons alone. You have people who care and want to help you with this.....reach out!! -B

rm_DarknStar 55F
2823 posts
8/9/2006 5:52 am

WOW angel! Hugs to ya!...........I understand "He wants to die"....I live with one every day, that wants to say "Im about to give up and put a bullet in his brain" Hes nuts and I wouldnt put it pass him to do it, someday........But always I turn to him and say, do me first, I DONT want to deal with that PAIN!................OK, maybe its NOT the words to say to him......BUT I get sick of hearing IT!

BadAssBlonde1 58F
4989 posts
8/9/2006 9:44 am

    Quoting ShayeDK:
    We are NOT responsible for other's happiness.
    Quit allowing yourself to be his scapegoat.
    It does either of you NO good and doesn't allow him to be accountable for his own happiness.
I totally concur with Shaye here, Angel. Do not beat yourself up dear. You have not failed.

After all the sex is gone, there is the mind - Lady Hunter / BAB

Copyright © House of Lady Hunter 1998-2009

rm_fender831 62M
10 posts
8/9/2006 1:27 pm

I'm new here, so forgive me for being forward so soon. I just read your blog from yesterday (Failure). It brought me to tears. I know you feel sorrow and maybe even failure, but you really havn't failed.

There are many things out of our control. It's not just a rationalization, it's fact. Your husband is trying to balance the good effects of is medication with the side effects. I know. I'm there myself.

You feel failure only because you love him so much. Deciding to stick with his medication is something he has to do for himself. It's something I must do for myself as well. Remember, his feelings about himself are NOT an indication of how he feels about you or the kids.

My prayers are with you and your family.

tenorsaxxman 67M

8/9/2006 4:40 pm

OMG, I have depression, memory loss (I think . . . .I can't remember for sure . . . ..) and what was the other one (goes back and looks . . . .) focus disorders (my eye doctor thinks I'm crazy or doing drugs or something) How was he diagnosed with MS? Blood test or ???? Only thing left that wasn't mentioned were headaches. I too have wanted to die many times to end the pain of migraines. Sometimes the pain of that and back (surgery didn't do well) really make me wish I were dead. Has nothing to do with my wife, she hasn't failed in any way and neither have you. Did you ever think, "It isn't about you . . . ." Not trying to be sarcastic, here, just to jog you a little. When I feel that way it shuts out everything else and everyone else around me like a clanging bell in a bucket in my head. You don't need help, he does. Love him and help him get the help he needs; he may be too distraught to get it for himself.
I have a four year old grandson that has tried to kill himself; found out he was manic depressive and bi-polar (the anger bit sounds exactly like what you described). Hope this helps. You have my admiration for sticking with it, and my love as your friend.


rm_devilsgrin69 52M
223 posts
8/9/2006 6:59 pm

It is your fault. Can't you control everyone lives that surround you. Control what happens, control who lives and who die, control kids when they get hurt, fall down, break a bone.
What , you say you can't control them, then what kind of ANGEL are you.

OK enough of my sarcasim...
We are all just mortals and Angel if you could control these things, then you would be God, albetit a female god but still a God none the less.

Take it from the devil, that we can TRY to control what is around us but that all we can do, it is up to that person if they want to be saved.

All you can do is be there for them and help when the need it. We are mortal and being the best we can is part of life. Thats my say and it's... Just one mans opinion.


rm_2spunkE 42M
52 posts
8/10/2006 3:58 am

dear angel,we all are hit hardest by the one nearest and dearest to us.and believe me,it always seems our fault why they suffer.seems!

for being so near and yet,unable to lift them.we did our best angel.we sacrificed.we fought.we stuck together later.

but did we hate?agony?yes.anger?hell yeah!but hate we never did-therefore we never failed!the fact that you actually told us about your husband says many things about you,failure is not one them.

try changing places with him for a moment.what happens then?u failed him again for wanting to die?see what i mean?it always seems our fault when its not.

he's just tired of being angry with himself.angry with himself for feeling inadequate.feeling inadequate because you were so loving in spite of his problems.

tell him its ok.its really ok.he did well.

i hope the becomes a better place for all of us in every way.


MWWwantmore 52F

8/10/2006 7:58 am

Angel, You have not failed, you have been there for him, stuck by him. I know what you are going through, my husband is the same way, he has the anger outbursts, then is fine and doesnt understand why we feel the way we do. He was also on a medication that had the same side effect and was able to change to a different one. But I can always tell when he doesnt take his meds or changes the times that he does.

You are a very strong and courageous woman for all that you have been through and I commend you for it! Hang in there!

I'll have a cafe, mocha, vodka, valium latte to go please!

Good girls go to heaven.....bad girls go down!!

rm_shannee2006 53F
3355 posts
8/10/2006 9:44 am

I know that there are four pages of replies here and I'll likely just repeat, but I still want to share a personal reply to you.

((hugs)) My dear lady. I am so sorry. I have been there with my husband. He's got ptsd...very badly. He would have rage attacks in which he didn't remember what he said or did and he was often verbally abusive. It's been a year or two now and our marriage has healed. But it was on the rocks for a long time. I didn't think we'd make it through living with his kids alot of times...and I didn't think I'd make it through his rage attacks. There were alot of professionals involved with our family who thought I was a hardassed bitch because I didn't ever give an inch with any of them once they started making their issues mine, but my stance caused all of them to self examine and make decisions that meant I stopped being abused in my own home. In each and every case, I was painted with the ghost of someone else and it wasn't me at all that these loved ones were responding to. I refused to participate in that any more. When I did and I held the line, they toed the line or they got out. If one of them even looks like they are going to slip back, then I get big on them. They hate that...but they know that they need to take care of business.

Perhaps it's time for you to be a hard-ass Angel...Perhaps it's time. Being a hard-ass is no less loving than being accepting and unconditional. It is defending your right to not put up with anyone elses shit and expressing your frustration and it's getting their attention because nothing else seems to work. Do whatever you need to do to stay strong, whole, loving and safe.

Yup...this juiciness is from me....


rm_johnny261949 68M
1 post
8/10/2006 5:14 pm

You haven't failed at all. A lot of us dwell on the rotten deal that
life throws at us and forget those precious ones like a loving wife
that stands beside us.You are to be commended for you do what I doubt
that I could do.

rm_disabled59 58M
41 posts
8/12/2006 7:28 am

Angel, thank you for the encouragement a few days back I have posted something new today. what I tink is a real positve thing for me. formthe heart and special to me please share with others if you wish. Thank you again...bloging is great for the soul.

rm_cumcoton 41F

8/12/2006 8:27 pm

Dearest Angel,
I agree with everyone here, you are not a failure. No more so than I am. Your husband needs help, and it isn't the help that you can give him. Look at the depression as an addiction, he needs to realize he needs help. The only thing you can do is point him in the right direction, and teach him proper coping skills through your actions. Don't argue with him, don't plead with him, just do your daily life things. Let him be, and maybe he can sort all of this out on his own. Can't say it is over night, but eventually realizing he needs help, will only help him. Hearing from you, is not going to help. It is like a nagging mom. Please don't take offense to that, but I know from personal experience of being depressed that everyone could have told me, and they did, that I needed help, but by god, I didn't see it. Not until I wanted to. Now, I feel I'm doint great, I take daily meds, but I'm content with life. Sure, things get me down, but I know how to deal with them now.

rm_SusieQ27 47F
2093 posts
8/14/2006 9:19 pm

Angel, I have found that no matter how we try to live others' lives for's just no use! We are all persons, in our own right and when push comes to shove, we have to stand alone. Keeping our own counsel, as it were.

Hope you are feeling cheerier today, hun.

Luv n stuff {=} Susie {=}

DeledBasksClaps 79M

8/17/2006 4:35 pm

You are not responsible for his behavior. Nothing you do or say will make him change until he realizes he has a problem. Real men don't cry or have problems but everyone else does. I expect most of his anger is directed at himself and his own inadequacies and failures.

I am your husband. I have a ongoing 34 year battle with depression. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. I have just finished three years of losing and have started to get it together in the last few months. I knew I was in trouble the whole time and just did not care. The only thing I did right was to continue counseling the whole time. I finally got into a group and found my problems were not nearly as serious as I believed and I met a lot of people who had recovered from much worse than I had ever known.

Depression can cause sexual dysfunction. The drugs to help overcome depression can also cause sexual dysfunction.

You should seek out a group for partners of troubled individuals. AA has a program like this. My Wife, daughter-in-law, grandson, and I go to it because my son is an alcoholic. You can not help much but you can learn to live with it. The only real solution is to help your husband understand he has a problem because he is the only one that can solve it.

Sorry but I just do not not see any help for you until he starts to look for solutions.


rm_iwannatellu 46F
933 posts
8/18/2006 8:55 am

Angel dearest.

You have not failed. This is not about you. As MUCH as you want and need to be able to fix this, you can't. That makes it even more difficult for people like you to be able to deal with, but you have lots of people here who are rooting for you.

There are just some things in life we may nevre understand. My heart breaks for you and your family, and I will keep you all in my prayers. I don't know how to help, except to say that I will think of you all as often as I can.


rm_FreeLove999 47F
16127 posts
8/18/2006 11:01 am

I am so sorry to hear what hell you are going thru right now. When someone close to you is suffering from such severe depression, I know it can feel like you are failing. I felt like that when my best friend spun out of control earlier this year. However, your husband has a number of clinical and emotional problems and it takes professional help to be able to cope with those. Please get into some MS-family support group for yourself, if he won't go for therapy or counselling, make sure you get some yourself -- this is a tough tough tough situation and you need to get all the support you can from professionals. I am not wise enough to be able to give you any other advice, as I haven't even walked 1/2 metre in your shoes, but I do hope you can find the right people to back you up and give you the support you both need!! lots of love and hugs!

[blog freelove999]

Theflinkychick 106F

8/18/2006 11:59 am

Angel, I don't have any fresh insights for you because so many have already expressed theirs already. I can only echo their assurance that you have not failed. I've been where you are except that my ex had nothing more than normal everyday life to deal with and he still was angry about everything. Yeah, for years I thought that I had failed because I wasn't reason enough for him to stop. Now that we have both moved on, I see the same behavior in his new relationship. It wasn't me, I hadn't failed him. Neither have you failed.

Not all who wander are lost.

magichands01540 54M/50F
3 posts
8/19/2006 12:43 am

You have not failed, you are not responsible for anyone else desire to care about themselves. You can only show the obvious love you have for him and the girls. He needs to find it in himself to care more about the people he loves and himself then the effects that his illness and treatments have on his body.

He needs help to reach inside and find the inner straength, be it through God or some other agency. He needs to understand that as much as he loves to be able to complete the sexual act, it is even more important that he be husband and father first. Making love is fun, my favorite activity in the world with my wife. However, it is only the icing on the cake and not the cake itself, and that is something only he can make himself understand.

Hopefully you can find him some professional help that works before he destorys his body, mind, and family by allowing the illness to win.

Alannc4900 61M

8/20/2006 2:29 pm


rm_mainevern 52M
10197 posts
8/20/2006 4:09 pm

One of the most futile things in the world is to take responsibility for someone else's problems. For years I was Mr "shoulder to cry on" and the support system for some very messed up women (but never good enough to be a lover). I always took it personal when my best efforts weren't good enough to keep things from going from bad to worse to much worse.
Finally I came to a few conclusions:

1. I didn't create the problem

2. I didn't contribute to the problem

3. The people who asked for my help really didn't want it

End result? I still do what I can to help but I don't invest anywhere's near as much of myself in it and when it goes right, I cheer, but when it goes wrong, I cut bait because it will sure as hell take me down with it too.
Take this for whatever value you might find from it .


I Wanna Pull Purpletrashcan's Fucking Hair!

rm_wisconn 54M/54F

9/5/2006 7:04 pm


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