trip me up  

absolutelynormal 57F
6016 posts
3/20/2006 6:02 pm

Last Read:
3/20/2006 7:28 pm

trip me up


I was quite surprised that you found me. Even more surprised that you wanted to find me. When we parted I always thought that it would be for good, but then when we were together I assumed that we belonged to one another too.

And now here I am packing to come to see you in your new home. You moved to Montana after Ryan left for college. It felt right you said. I asked if you were still married and you told me no. I was expecting you to say you were divorced but you said Peggy had been dead for a few years.

I was working last week and looked in my mailbox, I never look in my mailbox. I don't want to see the propaganda there. I found instead a card. I knew I knew the handwriting but couldn't place it. I don't know anyone that lives in Montana, I couldn't imagine who it was from unless it was a patient that had been passing through here writing to tell me thank you, but then I wouldn't have known the writing.

I opened the envelope. Inside I find a card that in retrospect is so you. I pulled out other cards that you had sent and looked at them and your personality really shows through. It wasn't the card but the letter inside that got me. Thank goodness I was out the door. wrI took it to my car once I realized who it was from. Three hand itten pages in your huge scrawl and I skipped to the end to see who it was from, I saw your name and knew I wouldn't be able to read it at work.

Dear Mac,

I know a lot of time has passed since our last seeing each other. I hope this letter finds you in good health. I had a hard time tracking you down. I hired a private investigator who found you in Alabama and then you disappeared. Vanished without a trace. We waited a few months and tried again. He found in California via your nursing license, working in a rural hospital. When I arrived you had gone. I thought perhaps fate was trying to send me a message and told him to forget about it. I waited another year and contacted him again. This time you were found with ease again through your nursing license. I contacted the hospital where you are working but they said if I didn't know where you worked in the hospital they couldn't put me through to you. I thought writing would be the best way to reach you.

A lot has changed in the elapsed time. I know your kids are grown. Are you a grandmother yet? Nah, I can't see you in that role. Since your last name hasn't changed, I'm going to assume that you haven't remarried. I sure hope not. I want you to entertain the idea of seeing me. I still believe that we belong together even though I think that you may actually hate me. I pray to God that you don't. I hope that time has eased the pain I caused you.

As you can tell from the post mark on this card, I live in Montana. I sold my business in PA. I went back to school. I got a BS in education. I teach PE and history in a small town not far from Helena. It is really beautiful here. I love it. Here's my number. Please call me. Love, Mike

After reading your letter I went home. I sat on the couch, stunned. I must have dozed off. I was in the room where I last saw you. A hotel room at the Red Roof Inn in Allentown. We had planned this "meeting" months earlier. I had been to a nursing convention in Baltimore and I drove up to see you.

We were lying intertwined, my face buried in your neck. I was inhaling heaven so it seemed to me at the time. I was breathing your scent into my memory, perhaps subconsciously I knew why. You pulled your arm out from under my shoulder and raised up on your elbow. "let me look at you" you said. I opened my green eyes and looked into your grey ones. I made a face and stuck my tongue out. "Mac, please, stop." I stopped, you look so serious. Our eyes are locked. Yours begin to pour, your tears dripping onto my chest. I am scared, I've never, in all the time I've known you, seen you cry. You sob uncontrollably. I pull you to me to hold you, to comfort you. When you've calmed down I ask why you're crying. You begin again and through your tears I hear you say "Oh my God what have I done?" and I know. I am surprised you held out for as long as long as you did, knowing how much you missed Ryan. You tell me that you've asked her to come back. I feel like you kicked me in the chest. I can't breathe.

I awake gasping. Maybe you're right, maybe I do hate you. No, I don't hate you but I am no longer in love with you and that took some doing to remove you from my system. I call a friend and talk to him about it. Tom is non-committal. He won't tell me what I should do, he just lets me talk and figure things out on my own, the way a good friend should. I whine, he listens. He finally says Mac, this guy was the love of your life at one time, correct? Yep I say, well then maybe you should just talk to him? OK I say. Well, do you have a better plan he asks. I don't. I am such a wimp. I am afraid. I ask him to come over while I talk to Mike. He agrees to.

Tom comes in the house without knocking, grabs a beer outta the fridge and sits on the couch. Hi I say. You've been crying he says. State the obvious next time Tom, I think to myself. We sit in silence for a few minutes. Is that the letter he asks pointing to the coffee table. Yeah, I say. He picks up the letter, I've already read it to him so he knows what it says. He picks up the phone and dials the number and throws the phone to me. It's already ringing when I put it to my ear. It's anticlimactic. Mike doesn't answer. Tom turns on the TV. We watch some stupid cop show. The doorbell rings. I answer it. Flowers. I open the box. Eighteen red roses with a card that says, NOW I know where you are, call me back when you get these.

So I call. You answer with that yankee voice of yours. I am smiling allover myself, like a schoolgirl. Tom's never seen me like this and he laughs at me. I flip him off which makes him laugh even harder. We keep it short. Agree to talk the next day. I cry again when I hang up because I am afraid to trust again. I was just beginning to trust people again and there you are in my life again.

We talk every afternoon after I get off work. The fourth day the bell rings again. It's Federal Express. I know it has to be from you. There's a card inside. It says "I know you're off this week, drive to Atlanta. Go to Hartsfield. Go to the Delta desk, there will be a ticket waiting for you." I smile, this has happened before. Only the ticket wasn't to Montana.

I zip my suitcase. I drive.

trillionman 56M

3/20/2006 6:29 pm

Stop nursing and take a writing class, I know you enjoy writting,.and I guess I like reading it. I believe you could do it.Or keep nursing and do it on the side.I don't know what this has to do with the email I sent you but I think it's a good story.


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