The STreet Where I Don't Live  

absolutelynormal 57F
6016 posts
6/9/2006 10:04 pm

Last Read:
6/14/2006 9:49 pm

The STreet Where I Don't Live

"Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear

We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing" Sarah McLachlan

I did try my best, however it's my natural inclination to want to be wanted, cared for on more than just a sexual note. I got caught up in his laughter, his quirkiness and his intelligence. Plus he's roughly 1000 miles from me, and I KNOW BETTER, I WOULD NEVER LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN... perhaps I wanted to prove myself wrong. The cost was much more than I can bear cause I feel like an idiot, I, myself feel stupid not for anything he did but for all the things I should have done differently.

I don't know if I can change myself. I think I have the same spots that I got here with. My past cannot be undone anymore than yours can. All the things we carry with us, all the expectations of how other people will act, or how we'll behave differently this time. It is a burden, wouldn't be easier to just let whatever happens happen? I do have numerous wounds left over from a lifetime of not tending to them or overtending, picking at them until on the inside I have become a hurt, screaming monster. A child, have you, who only wants her way because she never got it as a child. I have a bitter taste in my mouth, it's called shame. My shame is that I am not perfect.

rm_gerson42 53M
2419 posts
6/9/2006 10:16 pm

Sorry your hurting. This too shall pass. I'm afraid my words will fall short.

absolutelynormal replies on 6/10/2006 5:39 pm:
Thanks Ger Mac

rm_1sexyroo 57M/57F
333 posts
6/10/2006 12:59 am

perfect adj: being without fault or defect; exact, precise

You have no shame as no one fits the definiton of perfect set out by Webster Dictionary. We are all imperfect in our own unique ways ~ how boring this world would be if we all fit the definition!
Hang in there girl, the Sun will shine and everything in your world will once again be right!

absolutelynormal replies on 6/10/2006 5:39 pm:
In this circumstance "perfect" just means not repeating the same mistakes over again.

chasingfun27 39M
1108 posts
6/10/2006 4:09 am

That's something I struggle with. How do I reconcile the man I want to be, with the person I am?

You are great in your way. Your ideas inspire others. I hope you recognise the worth in yourself.

Nobody's perfect.

absolutelynormal replies on 6/10/2006 5:40 pm:
Thank you Chasing No no one is perfect. Just feel like a dumbass sometimes. Mac

jdocfunguy 51M

6/10/2006 5:35 am

I feel like I should comment, but I'm not sure what to say. I do share you're shame of not being perfect. It is a struggle to project confidence while recognizing our own shortcomings. I'm always amazed at people who can do so while exhibiting shortcomings much greater than my own.

As for the relationship, it seems that many people try to build them on one strong leg without considering the others. For example, if I focus on the way I perceive the other person feels about me, then the way I feel about them will become apparent. Then we assume that these two legs together can support the relationship regardless of their physical status. (Love can conquer all). However, we live in a physical world. At some point giving short shrift to the physical, whether by proximity or by libido, the relationship will collapse anyway.

As for changing ourselves, we are the only ones who can do so regardless of our past. Isn't the point of life to learn from ones mistakes???

The first step in a change is recognition. I think you clearly recognize where you are. I don't have all of the steps memorized, but you appear to be well on your way toward becoming the adult you wish to be.

absolutelynormal replies on 6/10/2006 5:42 pm:
Learned a LONG time ago that love CANNOT conquer all.

RogueAgent000 51M

6/10/2006 5:58 am

Feeling your I have put myself out there and faced some very similar consequences. I don't remember if we spoke on it...I do hope you know that you do not need to change all of what you are, and that we like you for who you are; hoping the hurt falls away like leaves in autumn...

absolutelynormal replies on 6/10/2006 5:42 pm:
Thanks RA

rm_dragonheat23 52M
1158 posts
6/10/2006 7:47 am

Puts his arm around you, hugs ya' and admits "I'm not perfect either"
How boring would that be?
Hope you feel better soon and if there's anything I can do, just ask.

absolutelynormal replies on 6/10/2006 5:43 pm:
Thank you Dragonheat

rm_chislut 43F
710 posts
6/10/2006 5:48 pm

I don't know if it's really possible to change oneself. But. Yes, your past cannot be undone, but your past *does* change. Each new experience, even the bad ones, add to your past, right?

Having just had an experience that left ME feeling like an idiot myself, can I offer some advice? Writing about it helps. Don't you feel a little better having written this post? And when I'm in a more philosophical mode, I feel like mistakes aren't really mistakes at all. They were what was supposed to happen this time around in this particular situation. (The only real mistakes are when you end up dead. Game over. No more new roads to follow or choices to make.)

Of course, when I was recently hurting -- and similarly to you? -- because of mistakes *I* made, not because of what anyone else did or was, that kind of insight didn't make me feel better either.

Perfect is relative. You ARE perfectly you.

I wish I were as good as saying things to make you feel better as you are.

absolutelynormal replies on 6/12/2006 8:44 pm:
Awww, thanks Chi. Mac

absolutelynormal 57F
6563 posts
6/10/2006 6:11 pm

Protonicman had a comment here, I inadvertantly deleted it when I was trying to retract my comment, not his. Sorry TJ, Mac

fortunaswm 63M/53F

6/11/2006 11:38 am

I relate - it's amazing how many people share the same pair of shoes. And though I know that the past is gone - and the future is where the change can lie - it is still a difficult task to ignore scars of the past.

absolutelynormal replies on 6/12/2006 8:45 pm:
Yes indeed! Thanks for visiting my blog

norprin5 56M

6/12/2006 1:08 pm

you're not perfect? all my dreams, dashed to the jagged rocks again!

King Nor XVIII

absolutelynormal replies on 6/12/2006 8:45 pm:
Yeah, some of us don't have a perfect ass

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