The Fear Factor  

absolutelynormal 57F
6016 posts
4/27/2006 12:59 pm

Last Read:
6/1/2006 2:48 pm

The Fear Factor

I have many thoughts swirling in my head today. I'm thinking about love and intimacy and my relationship with myself.

I fear both.

Why is that? I think that it's because like many of you do to yourselves I also judge myself quite harshly. I would never judge anyone else like I do me.

Do I love me? At times yes and at times no. I am not intimate with myself for the most part.

For those of you who have imtimacy and sex confused, they are entirely two different things. Ask someone you know what the difference is and the responses you get may surprise you.

The best answer I've gotten about it so far is this one... intimacy is the lack of fear of judgement so that you can be completely honest with the other person.

Those who read my blog routinely, I've been completely intimate with. It's because I haven't met you. It's easier for me to be intimate with strangers than it is for me to be intimate with people I know, strange huh?

It's hard for me to be intimate with me. I lie to myself, but I don't lie to all of you. Why is it so easy to be honest here? It's hard for me to lie here. It's so hard that I just don't do it.

Why do I lie to me? Probably so that I don't disappoint myself. I'm afraid of not being good enough, I expect perfection from myself. Sometimes this spills over into my day to day life, to the other people around me. I'll expect things from them that they aren't capable of and then get upset with them when they don't meet my expectations. I usually don't realize that I am expecting too much until afterward.

Why am I afraid of love? It's too intimate. I fear I will be judged as not good enough. That the person I am involved with will desert me because I am not good enough. I have MORE than a healthy dose of the "I don't want to be rejected" gene. If I am not involved with anyone, I can't be rejected. Makes sense in a subconscious kind of way.

Yeah, I'm kinda sick in the head... well not really. We all have some of this in us. We don't want to get hurt. I may take avoidance a little further than the average person but I'm hoping to get over it.

In the past I have tried to get rid of this by "facing" it.

I thought that the problem didn't lie in the relationship that I have with me but in the relationships I have with men that I wanted to be mine, or tried to "make do" with. I would tell myself I was trying to think positive about things, what I was doing was ignoring all the bells going off in my head about this man not being the right person. I got beat up emotionally. They didn't do the beating, I beat myself up. If you can't let someone know the real you, you can hardly be mad when they don't love you, because they don't know you. That's where I am with me.

What got all this going in my head? Blame heavensdesire's blog about Biblical love... the love is patient, love is kind thing. I have infinite amounts of both for other people and none for me. Why is that? I'm STILL working on it.

rm_chislut 43F
710 posts
4/27/2006 1:29 pm

Interesting. I have the exact opposite situation.

I'm completely honest and intimate with myself about myself. But, I feel unable to be so with others. Like there's actually some sort of of physical force stopping me. Like I become paralyzed when I want to share some of myself with someone else.

Even here or on any of my blogs. (I have others in cyberspace). I don't lie. I do mislead sometimes. Leaving things out. Particularly what I was really thinking or feeling.

Sounds like neither situation is particularly pleasant.

Uhm, except I guess I'm being open right now.

(going back to hide...)

absolutelynormal replies on 4/27/2006 6:50 pm:
Glad you could share with us

blondietickler 44F
295 posts
4/27/2006 1:31 pm

once you love yourself completely it may all make since. i have lived through some of your experiences and still fight with myself daily. i thought i wasn't good enough to love and was left by a man who promised never to do that. he also said he would love me forever. well guess he got over that to some extreme. he is trying to get back with me and i don't want to so figure that out. good luck with your delimas of your own. eventually we will figure this stuff out.

absolutelynormal replies on 4/27/2006 6:52 pm:
I wish you luck too Blondie. I don't think I've seen you here before, or at least you've never commented on my blog. Thanks for visiting Mac

Seriously_Real 49M

4/27/2006 1:35 pm

Sweetie....I applaud your ability to get that dialogue openly started. I have been you, sort of. But I wasn't able to admit that I was okay as I was, and kept needing to look outward. So the friends I made on here kept pounding away, "love yourself first," "find peace within first" blah blah fucking blah. I hated to hear it because I had the OPPOSITE problem you do. But my OPPOSITENESS created the SAME results....

Point is simply this -- honesty with yourself is the key to it. I had to do it, we all do. FEARLESS honesty. You know what? You'll find that you are perfect just as you are, warts and all, fears and all, beautiful green eyes and all. And the first step to taking away the power of the fear is to stare it down and speak its name....which you are beginning to do. Keep going.

Hugs, honey. It's all good from here, trust me.


absolutelynormal replies on 4/27/2006 6:54 pm:
Thank you for your sweet words and for the hugs. See your friends were right, you made yourself ready and the right one came along

MaggiesWishes 61F

4/27/2006 1:46 pm

This sounds all too familiar. Our lack of intimacy with ourselves is shattered long before we realize it. I think it's part of our "growth" process into adulthood. It's difficult to say, I love you to yourself and mean it, when we should ... everyday. Finding faults is so much easier, making excuses is made simple by ignoring the fact that until WE learn to love from within, we can't give love outwardly.
I find that I'm alot easier to deal with when I'm honest with myself, I tend to be straight forward to others in the process. Yet, I'm woman, and I dream ... crossing that bridge into a rose colored world that would have me surrender myself, if only for a day.
Maybe that's the "normal" side of reality?

absolutelynormal replies on 4/27/2006 6:56 pm:
Yeah, I think it is normal to slip off into dreamland from time to time, it's when people choose to stay there that they run into problems.

whatulike2006 46M

4/27/2006 1:58 pm

Don't be so hard on yourself. That way when other people try to be hard on you, then you can blow it off. I try not to take myself too serious or I will lose out on having fun.

absolutelynormal replies on 4/27/2006 6:57 pm:
I agree with everything you said whatulike Thanks for visiting Mac

RogueAgent000 51M

4/27/2006 2:22 pm

Wow...lots of good stuff here. A lot of good personal insight and realization. Certainly no expert on this end, but intimacy comes in many different forms; mainly though it is either physical of emotional. Both are requirements for for us to maintain health mental and physical state. Emotional intimacy is also based highly on a trust factor.

From what I see, you have a tremendous grasp on who you are and what you want. I had much more to add, but hit the wrong button and lost it...I hate when I do that! Mac...stay true to the course.

absolutelynormal replies on 4/27/2006 6:58 pm:
Sorry I don't have time to comment on your post to this blog. I'm running right out to buy a GPS

rm_yukonpaul 52M
1120 posts
4/27/2006 2:55 pm

I deny love. For myself and for others. I suppose that I love my family, but I rarely feel it. I don't love myself and I can't see me loving another. I love things - food, ideas, and sports teams. I have no passion for life other than my work and reading. It may be sad, but it's my truth.

absolutelynormal replies on 4/27/2006 7:00 pm:
It may be your truth now, but it doesn't have to stay that way. I think you have a passion for this place, you spend a lot of time here. You've always been sweet to me, I thank you for that Mac

Helper874 46M

4/27/2006 5:25 pm

Amazing Mac, I think about the same things all the time. I wonder why relationships don't last, and usually always look at everything else but me. We have to love ourselves first and be able to be intimate with ourselves before we can truly be with someone else.

You are right about the blogs though. You can be yourself without fear of having to actually face an emotion from someone else. You can say what You truly feel. It is not unusual to feel that way when putting feeling down that won't be responded to imediately. I know I joke about things, but I feel the same way sometimes about this whole thing.

I really enjoyed this blog, made me think a lot. You do that a lot. I guess that is a really good thing. I am glad that I have run into you here.

absolutelynormal replies on 4/27/2006 7:02 pm:
I'm glad too Helper I enjoy reading the things you write and running into you too

mangomamiCT 43F

4/27/2006 9:43 pm

I agree with you on so many points !!

I am the harshest judge of myself , unrelenting really
I never judge people .
I give love freely . But it is not intimate . I have loved many people but have never been completely intimate with them .This includes family , friends, lovers.

As for blogging it is liberating .

another great post !!!!!!!!!

ProtonicMan 49M

4/28/2006 6:34 pm

Hi, Mac. I missed commenting on this when you first posted it. Been kinda busy.

Not all that many years ago, I was right up there running with the big dogs. I could dis myself with the best of them. I was dealt perfectionism in spades. I was never happy with anything I did. I couldn't take a compliment graciously, no matter who it came from or what it was about.

My parents would say they were proud of me. I believed, "Of course they said that! It is their JOB to say that, they are my parents."

I don't do any of that any more, or if I do, it's short lived. If I don't talk me up, who else will? I have changed my perspective on life, why we're here, what we "are." I'm here to tell you, it has so been worth the effort.

I'm happy now. I don't take it personally if a lady says she doesn't think we're a match. I don't take my work so seriously, and I laugh harder, and much more often. Guess what? I get more done at work, and it's better quality, too.

It does comes down to loving oneself. I see the good in me, and it makes it easier to recognize the good in others. There is so much goodness in all the bloggers on this site. I love it. The one thing that makes me sad is that there are so many here who don't see it in themselves.

I am a damn good people! And so are all of you! (Especially you, (((Mac))). )


absolutelynormal replies on 4/28/2006 9:34 pm:
Thank you ((((TJ))))

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