I Miss You Too  

absolutelynormal 57F
6016 posts
5/31/2006 10:41 am

Last Read:
8/19/2007 3:55 pm

I Miss You Too

He taught me how to be a "boy", my mom tried to teach me girl stuff but boy stuff was so much more fun than playing with dumb dolls or pretend house etc.

We'd go fishing. Sometimes my sister would come and he'd rock the boat back and forth and make her scream. I would laugh, I wasn't scared.
He taught me how to bait my own hook, tie knots (although I don't use the one he taught me now), how to cast and most importantly, how to be quiet.

We'd go fishing just he and I and come back with 50 shellcrackers, which is a form of panfish for my yankee friends. We had a "deepfreeze" on the back porch, we'd clean them and put them in there.

I couldn't do now what I did back then. I'd watch fascinated as my dad cleaned the fish. We had a big ice chest, when we'd catch a fish, it would go into the ice chest where there was ice. It didn't occur to me till much later in life that this would be like drowning.

He'd scale them first then take the head off, make a cut down the center of the belly and pull their insides out. Sometimes you got to see what the fish had been eating before you caught it. Crawfish, minnows, we caught a bass once that had eaten a tiny baby turtle.

Sometimes the fish wouldn't "quite" be dead. They would wiggle and he would say "be still, it'll be over in a second," then he would cut off the fish's head.

I'm not a vegetarian, which is kinda hypocritical, cause I couldn't kill anything myself to eat unless I was starving to death. I have empathy with a fucking fish for crying out loud. I'm the kind of person who catches the cricket that gets in the house and puts it outside.... different story if it's a roach!!

Sometimes I miss going fishing. My dad is dead and I wonder what I would say to him. Part of me idealizes and idolizes him and part of me hates him.

Parents are far from perfect. It took him 7 years to die. I was amazed at his strength, his will to live when it was so apparent he was going to die. I think I would have just given up, he did not.

He was in the hospital, the cancer had come back and they had operated. This was a few days later. I walked in the door, he and my mom were holding hands. I suppose they had been talking about me because as soon as I walked in he began to cry.

He couldn't reveal himself. He couldn't say the words. He didn't tell me he loved me. He said "I am going to miss you so much."

All my life, it's all I ever wanted, for my daddy to love me. I know he did. He never said it. I needed to hear it, I still do.

rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
5/31/2006 11:14 am

My dads still alive. He has never said it, never will. I know you do cause I do too.

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 12:57 pm:
Mac reminds herself to never put sl in parentheses because it makes the L a loser YIKES! ((((Saint))))

rm_1sexyroo 57M/57F
333 posts
5/31/2006 12:14 pm

Blink blink , I can only ask why ?? Mac when you know your Daddy loved you ??? And your sister too. Maybe it was cause he loved you a little more then your sister he felt guilty dunno , didn't know the man only getting to know the woman he raised. But havin 6 daughters of my own all I can say is that is one thing I will never understand their need. The older girls never got to hear the words they live with their mothers or on their own now. The two youngest ones start and end every day with those words but there are still times I can see it in their eyes that they just need to hear that I love them and that everything is gonna be ok. And yet I still don't get it , there isn't anything I won't do for my kids they are my world and when they are ok everything in my world is right and good. Yet some days its like I can't say I love you enough to them. Today like any other day I walked with them to school, both came running back for "extra"" hugs and mmuahs before school like it was going to be the last time they saw me. Sent a chill down my back as I watched from across the street as they ran into the play gorund of the school with their friends.
I can't imagine what you are feeling nor can I relate my own father is very much alive and most likely making my mothers life a living hell but that is their life together and not something I involve my life with. I have long since got over or worked threw the wasting of my life wishing the man to be DEAD. I know that sounds horrible its a long sad story and one that I don't really care to share or rehash.
My Roo never met her biological father and was adopted at the age of 5 , I am sure that she can relate to something similar but even then its not the same. You were blessed for the closeness that you shared and the time you had. Why torture yourself with wishing there was more ???? I'm sorry I guess I really really just don't get it

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 12:29 pm:
Yes, at one time we were close butyou see I have a younger brother. I was shoved aside for the brother. No one explained to me why. I now know it's because IS male and I wasn't. This is why I am angry at my dad, he molded me into something I was never meant to be. I was his son until my brother was old enough to be. When you're a child, and you're rejected, you believe it's your fault. Children are egocentric. I tried everything within my power to try to "win" him back. I became better at being a boy than my brother was. How many women do you know that can outfish you, tht can track animals in the woods, look at a set of foot prints and can tell you the animal that made it?

If your children need more hugs then give them more hugs, there is nothing wrong with that. Call your grown daughters and tell them that you were thinking of them and wanted them to know how much you love them. They will appreciate it.

Everytime I see or talk to my kids, they hear the words. If we're togther physically and they're going somewhere, they get a hug. I am sure they know that I love them, perhaps the hugs are for myself?

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 12:59 pm:
ps kids are intuitive, it may not be about how they are feeling, they may not be feeling needy.... maybe it's you.

digdug41 50M

5/31/2006 12:16 pm

jeez that so sad, I tell my baby gurl all the time I love her to pieces even if she is fighting and trying to beat up her brothers

roaming the cyber streets of blogland

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 12:30 pm:
You're a good man DD, that's why you're one of my buddies

chas4037 69M
4119 posts
5/31/2006 12:28 pm

Mac, here is a different take, from a Dad who tries to say "I love you" each and every time I am with my kids.

Our fathers grew up to be Manly Men; they never thought it was OK to be soft and squishy, especially with their kids. (I'll admit that I was terrified of my Dad till I was perhaps 15 and almost as big as he was; yet once I got to know him as an adult, he was the MOST GENTLE Soul on the face of the earth) And part of their outlook was how they were raised, and part of it was the times they grew up in; the depression and war for my Dad. From the end of WWII through the mid-60s, we lived in a male dominated culture, where the military chain-of-command was inculcated into our whole society. Dads were the 'generals' of the family, whether Ward Cleaver types, or Earnest Borgnine types (sorry, can't think of a paternal role he played, and have no idea who played Ward, Beaver's Dad).

And society was still very much locked into boy - girl roles back then too, much to everyones' loss.

SO shift forward many years. Now, we know, as men, that hugging our kids is important to us, just as it is for our kids. And we know that showing we love someone is important, but saying those three little words is important too. And none of us are ever too old to need a hug (you should see me & my 30 year old Marine when it is time to part, we hug SERIOUSLY!).

It sounds to me like your Dad DID love you, and he showed he did, in every way he KNEW HOW to do. (saintlianna, maybe your dad will never say it because he does not? I sure do hope for him and for you he does!)

You learned many things from your Dad, Mac, besides how to bait your own hook. He did the BEST he knew how to do. You learned from him and YOU are doing the very BEST you know how to do. The next generation will do better yet, I bet.

And all my words will never give you the one thing you crave, Mac. But I think in your heart you know the truth, that you were very much loved!

Or at least I hope so.

Here is MY hug to you, if it is any help
Chas, who enjoys reading your posts. Thank you for sharing

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 12:32 pm:
Thank ((Chas)), from Mac who enjoys that you enjoy her posts and wonders why you don't have a blog too when you can write like this? Mac

norprin5 56M

5/31/2006 12:56 pm

i don't remember hearing it from my dad much...but i try to say it to my kids every day, and they say it back...no matter what else might be going on, or what kind of trouble they get into, they will always know that i love them

good post, Mac

King Nor XVIII

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 1:45 pm:
Thanks Noprin

expatbrit49 64M

5/31/2006 1:37 pm

I think you would find a lot of people like that, Dads didnt say that back then and especially to boys but I know that he did love us. Times have changed as others said I tell my kids I love them all the time. The main thing is that you know he loved you

Thank You for Your Time and Attention

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 1:53 pm:
We all have that little kid inside, the adult Mac knows her dad loved her. The child is still feeling like she did something wrong, that she wasn't good enough. I can still be incredibly egocentric, or completely selfless, gray is hard for me. Blabbing about shit like this helps, thanks for listening Mac

rm_gerson42 53M
2419 posts
5/31/2006 2:11 pm

expatbrit has it right in my book, with the addition of acknowledging that it would be far better to hear and feel it. Men are not always taught to show and express emotions and feelings, something I used to battle from my childhood. Not that we can't but that we were taught and shown that way. Hope that helps.

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 2:15 pm:
Yeah, I kinda already knew that. Especially with men his age, he would be 78 now if he were still alive. SO, let this be a lesson to any guy that reads this... it IS more than OK to say I LOVE YOU to your kids, even the grown ones, even if you've never, ever said it before Mac

rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
5/31/2006 3:09 pm

I too have never heard it from my father, and knowing how much that hurt me, I say it to my son every time I get to see him. There is not much more I can add to what all these people have al ready said, other than hugs to you

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 3:19 pm:
Thank you and hugs back to you, my sweet friend Mac

rm_mmmgoodnova 107M/107F
1259 posts
5/31/2006 3:30 pm

I was lucky. I never heard it or felt it from my "real" father but my stepdad was in my life from the age of 3 and said and showed it all the time. Still does, and I always am thankful that I had his support and such a great role model, growing up. So I can understand how you needed to hear those words. They are comforting, reassuring, solid if they come from the right guy. But some men are better at showing their love than professing it verbally. And some men say the words freely--too freely--and they are empty, hollow promises from either bad fathers or bad lovers!

I'll bet you he looks after you every day from heaven, and says those words now, Mac.

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 4:25 pm:
I used to dream about my dad. My dad had throat cancer and had to have his larynx removed so he couldn't really speak, at least not in the voice that I grew up hearing. In my dreams he never said a word. He would be at one of my kid's ballgames, wearing this goofy hat he always wore and he'd smile at me and offer me a french fry.

I see him sometimes, I look like my dad, my son looks like me, so sometimes, certain things he does, I can see him.

I am glad you had a wonderful dad, he raised a wonderful woman Mac

ProtonicMan 49M

5/31/2006 3:33 pm

I'm a very, very lucky man. Although I didn't really know my father much while I was growing up, I have gotten pretty close to him in the last several years. We live several states away, but we talk on the phone at least 2 to 3 times a month. We share a lot of interests, and just enjoy talking to one another. And, yes, he has told me that he loves me.

I'm sorry that your pain is still with you, my friend. Wish I could take some of it away from you.

Imitating Mac's dad's voice: "I love you, daughter."


absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 4:29 pm:
I wish you could too TJ, I wish you could too. today is just a bad day. I'm sick and that makes EVERYTHING worse!

Jeepidiot 43M

5/31/2006 3:44 pm

I'll admit it's hard to say the 'L' word to some people. I probably don't say it enough to my parents or sisters. It just feels weird saying it. I've never had a problem telling my little boy I love him or even giving him a kiss. I know that no matter how old he is, I'll still give him a kiss and tell him I love him no matter how much it might embarass him. I'm not faulting your father though for not saying it. For some people it's just really hard.

I am always worried though that some people might not know just how I feel about them. That's why they say you should always tell someone you love them every chance you get because you never know when it might be the last time.

My Granny was sick in the hospital several years back. Her and my Papaw had been married for at least 50yrs. I'd never seen them argue but my mom said they did on occassion. I wasn't there at the time, but one day in the hospital, my Granny and Papaw got into an argument. My Papaw left the room to get something to eat and to cool off. My Granny passed away while he was out of the room. To this day it tears me up inside(just started crying) thinking of how my heartbroken Papaw must feel knowing that instead of telling my Granny how much he loved her, she died while they were having an argument. I'm terrified something like that could happen to me. Probably one of the reasons why I don't think I'll ever get married.

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 4:21 pm:
Awwww (((Jeep))) You gotta know that your Granny doesn't blame your Papaw, he may blame himself but she didn't die thinking that he didn't love her. You know that. XO Mac

RogueAgent000 51M

5/31/2006 4:10 pm

It took 33 years for my Father to say it...and only a year to forget how. It wasn't until he truly realized that there were fewer days ahead then behind him that he made any attempt at all. 21 times makes a habit as I hear it...it also goes in the opposite direction. Perhaps it's time...? Great post as always.

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 5:50 pm:
Thank you ((Rogue))

complexlysimple 35M

5/31/2006 5:25 pm

Welcome to the club, I got shoved aside when my brothers where born too ... Sometimes I wonder if I can even claim that I have a family ... I'm not sure I want to get into that now ...

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 5:52 pm:
Yeah, I know what you mean (((CS)))

rm_Twister2bed 48M
617 posts
5/31/2006 6:05 pm

My father never said it to me.....But then again he never really had to..I didn't need to hear the words to know whats in the heart.
Unspoken words were enough for me...I miss fishing and hunting with my pops too.
LOL my mother would accuse my father and me of just going to sit by the lake and drink beers so we wouldn't have to do house work because we rarely caught any fish.....Hmmm come to think of it she might have been right all along...I Miss them both.

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 6:25 pm:
sorry about your parents Twister. Thank you for visiting my blog Mac

docdirk 49M

5/31/2006 7:10 pm

Nicely written, Mac. Very touching. I so envy those who had relationships with their fathers, and especially those that retained good memories of that relationship.

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 7:15 pm:
I know what you mean, a lot of mine is bittersweet. Least my was there to support us. Mac hugs the man with the cute butt and grins while she's doin it

jdocfunguy 51M

5/31/2006 7:16 pm

This is a very touching blog, Mac. For me, neither my father nor my mother tells me they love me. I think that accounts for some of my anti-social behavior. However, I am smart enough to recognize the importance and tell my children all the time that I love them. It's been hard on my 6 year old son that I don't live at home now, but I still tell him that I love him and hug him tight every chance I get. It's the greatest feeling in the world.

Thanks for sharing your story and I hope you get well soon. This illness is dragging on too long.

absolutelynormal replies on 5/31/2006 7:21 pm:
Perhaps you should start first? What would happen if everytime you saw them, or spoke to them on the phone (well maybe not everytime), you told them that you loved them. I'm able to say it to my mom now, I wasn't for a long time.

I think this illness is more allergies than anything, hence all the sneezing and itching. I'm on antibiotics, just in case.

ps... where's the story you were supposed to post?? hmm?

brute472 75M
3480 posts
5/31/2006 11:03 pm

You brought tears to my eyes thanks for sharing.
Ps I tell my daughter as often as she will let me but teenagers today get so embarrased by parents showing their love the same as your parents generation were embarrased to show theirs.

I am so sorry you wondered but all the signs were there that he cared for you the way any good father does he loved you.

absolutelynormal replies on 6/1/2006 7:10 am:
Thank you Brute, keep telling her anyway, even if she can't say it back. It's so important for her to hear, especially right now when she's going through so much emotionally. MAc

curious082385 32F
4925 posts
6/1/2006 12:20 am

My dad was the same way. Somewhere I knew that he loved me and was proud of me, but he never said it. One day when I was about 9, I blew up at him...screaming and crying and asked him why I was never good enough for him to just say three little words. Came into my room that night crying and told me that he thought I knew and that those words just didn't come easily to him....his parents didn't show much emotion either. I remember how hard it was to try so hard and never hear those words.
Hugs to you.

absolutelynormal replies on 6/1/2006 7:17 am:
Thank you for sharing that sweet story with us Mac Hugs right back at ya

Intensity4U 53M
7432 posts
6/1/2006 10:47 pm

Mac, I read this a couple days ago and still don't know what to say now any more than I did then. Even though my experience isn't the same, it's painful to see how it hurts you. Since you know he loved you, I suppose you have to accept that he said "I love you" in his way. It's a shame that he couldn't say it simply and directly the way you needed.

At least take comfort from knowing your post is a reminder to dads here that they need to make sure to say it often in a way their kids need to hear it.

absolutelynormal replies on 6/2/2006 4:34 am:
Just hug 'em, kiss 'em and tell them that you love them. But always remember that whatever they see you do, they'll think it's ok to do too. Mac

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