Word of the Day  

aascrompn 43M
6957 posts
5/23/2006 7:52 am

Last Read:
10/18/2006 7:19 am

Word of the Day

Deflated...

It's a really sad day when something that you've been working on so hard falls through. Being the perfectionist that I am in life, I'm not used to failure. I usually hit almost every goal that I put in front of me.

When I was in the Air Force, it was my goal to become a pilot. My entire life was prepped for it. I was in the Civial Air Patrol throughout my middle school and high school years. I started flying when I was fifteen. I attended a military university in order to keep my focused on my goal. I made a 3.0 GPA while being in a fraternity. Everything that I'm accustomed to deals with structure. I'm used to and thrive on discipline.

I took the qualifying tests in the Air Force and passed it. I have to admit that 3 hour test was one of the hardest tests I've ever taken in my life. I got my degree. Officially speaking, I was qualified in all aspects to become a pilot. I interviewed every year that I could. It would always start w/ approximately 250 applicants and they would narrow down and only accept two. I, in every interview that I had, always finished in the 5th (one time) and 3rd (3 times) spot. I never got my wings. I used to really get depressed about this, as it was my dream, my goal. My first major goal that I couldn't achieve. I don't mean couldn't, I mean didn't. You see, I understand that I did everything that I could. I passed every prerequisite that I could. It was out of my hands.

I can honestly say that I've learned many things from that set of circumstances. When my fiancé walked out the door, a little part of me died. I seriously think she took a part of my life. I couldn't understand that with the amount of patience, love, love for her children, financial support that I was providing, that it wasn't enough. However, thinking back, I've learned to understand that nothing that I did or could've done more would ever have been enough. Her lifestyle was growing different than mine. Her drug addiction took over and there was nothing that I could ever do to change the way that the drug made her feel.

My current set of circumstances is the same type of thing. My New One, shall now be called my Divergent One... After many conversations (hours of IM'ing), we had so many damn things in common, it was really scary. I remember remarks about how well I know Her, w/out having ever met Her. I had the ability to envision how She would look at me if we were to have met. I had Her character traits pretty well pegged. It was really very easy to talk to Her from day one. Everything just seemed to click. However, the reason why She is now the Divergent One, is b/c there is one major aspect that can't ever be compromised. Our lifestyles, as far as sex is concerned, are literally the opposite ends of the spectrum. There is really no way in the world that I could change to accommodate Her needs. I say needs, b/c that's exactly what they are. She, no matter how much She may have desired to want to try, in no way could live without what She is accustomed to. I don't blame her at all!! We both, I think, really wanted to work it out. We both thought of every option there was to make it work. However, it just can't. She, however, is working things out in Her current set of circumstances. I'm really very happy for Her. I mean that.

I guess at the end of the day, I am not as bad off as I thought I would be. I once did a post asking if an online breakup hurt as much as in RL. I can honestly say that yes it does. This decision was by no means a one way thing. We both concluded that we would be wasting each others time. Although it burned in the center of my chest, it was not out of anger about the situation, it was from not being able to make something so wonderful work. There are, just like the Air Force, times where one must understand that not everything can be figured out.

Am I depressed? No! I thought I would be. I thought my anxiety would take control yesterday. It never happened. I'm learning. I'm learning from my past experiences and I'm grateful for my past. I also understand that She really did think of every angle She could've. She never led me on. She was clear from day one. She did nothing wrong at all! I did nothing wrong at all. This is the first "ending" (first e-ending for sure) that I'm not completely devastated by. However, I must admit that I'm deflated. I'm drained. I put every ounce of brain energy into trying to find a solution. There just isn't one to be had.

I'm back to square one. The square is becoming my home. It is in dire need of a fresh coat of paint. So, while I'm hanging out here, I might as well get started on rebuilding it. Once it is pretty on the inside, I can than focus on making it pretty on the outside as well. Square two will eventually find me. Although it's supposed to look better than square one, square one is not all that bad if you just give it a new look.

My journey is a complete mystery to me. As I'm wandering through this arid desert, I'm searching for my damn near invisible door to become available for me to dive into a parallel universe, where I'm pretty damn certain She will be waiting for me. I'm certain that love exists in different planes. Maybe I've been stuck on a plane where love is all used up. The other planes should be able to offer me something, as love can neither be created, nor destroyed... (Or is that matter??)

AAS ~ Alone again...


MaggiesWishes 61F

5/23/2006 7:59 am

sending ya warm huggies
... your journey is not complete, not by a long shot.


rm_gerson42 53M
2419 posts
5/23/2006 9:01 am

yep... not complete and Aas is not alone.
ger


SweetDarlinAngel 40F
2996 posts
5/23/2006 12:28 pm

Aas~
Although it may not mean much coming from me ... can I just say that if you knew me better perhaps my pride in you would be more valuable. I am beaming with joy and admiration in this amazing insight you have found. Congratulations! Walk Tall, Stand Proud, and by all means Strut! You have certainly come a long way baby!!!
~SDA

~Angel


rm_PurryKitty2 49M/51F
9753 posts
5/23/2006 9:11 pm

Remember, I told you, that you dont know where the road is leading@

Hang in there baby!

Purry {=}

Purry


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