The post... 300th  

aascrompn 43M
6957 posts
8/3/2006 8:42 am

Last Read:
10/18/2006 8:04 am

The post... 300th

This post means a lot for me... I've been attached to this shit for quite sometime, but this post, so far, is the one w/ most of my emotions all running gambit.

Please bare w/ the emtional divergence of this post, as I'm everywhere, but I think, I just think that I might actually have some point that I think I can get to with this.

The real title of this post should be Perception

What is percieved is the actual reality for those that are out looking in... Perception is x% of reality. I could go on, but I think you see what I'm saying here.

While smoking a cigarette 10 mins ago, I saw something so simple, yet so assounding to me. I saw a bee persistantly run into a window. Thwap, drop in altitude, then thwap, thwap... The little fucker didn't seem to understand that although it looks like the coast is clear, it's not always. He may keep going down the glass, until he runs around the corner and is off to fly again in the great unknown. Although my air looks to be free ahead, I keep smacking myself into a window. It doesn't necessarily hurt, but I can say that over time, it's most likely going to lead to a headache.

I have to be at least happy that what I'm running into are windows. Before my life started get back on track, I was running right into brick walls.

Now, to an outside observer who is sitting there ruining his lungs w/ deadly toxins, including tar , it looks as if the bee has already taken on a form of brain damage, but he has actually not. You see, what this bee has is fucking determination. He wants clear skies to fly freely. He knows that what he want may only be a reflection of his current situation, but he'll be damned to have that stop him. My perception is that he is a persistant little fucker. He's willing to keep on trying until something good or bad happens.

The bee can't control where the windows are, however he can control the approach in which he has to take to be free flying. Maybe a direct approach is not always the best way. Maybe he has to wait for me to put my cig out, and open the door to allow me, and him, back in. Could he? He sure could, if and only if, he's patient enough. The patient bee will gain access. The irrational, or insane, bee will not. The defenition of insanity is performing the same action over and over again expecting different outcomes. I love the bee's drive, however. There is a minor caution, however, to be thought about. Just b/c there is green grass in his reflection, is by no means a gaurantee that there will be green grass on the other side of the door. If he's too anxious to get in, without really taking a few moments to look around first, he may be walking into something that he may not be content with.

The bee gave up right as I was putting out my cig. He wasn't patient enough. He evidentally didn't want it that damn bad. Unlike the bee, I do want it, and I'm fully stocked w/ aspirin.

Is seems very suitable to dedicate this post to her, as over half of my blog is pertaining to her anyway. I hope she's following along, as well as you all, about me talking about bees.

This is why the bee is doing what he's doing. He sees the queen and wants her. At this point in his quest, the bee has made it through two actual doors and is now sitting on the hinges of the third, and last (according to his map). The problem with this door is that it's difficult to get a really good view as to what lays ahead, as the room is kind of preasurized. Everytime the door opens, the bee trys to get a glimpse, but is almost actually sucked all the way in. The bee has made it for many years. He wants to be absolutely certain that he's not wandering upon something else that would jeopardize his well being upon his quest for the queen (the holy grail of bees). He's hesitant. She too, knows he's close and sings her bee song to him (almost strangely close to the sounding of sirens) but he just needs to make sure. Does she really, really want him?? Her sounds say she does, but this leads us all to another tangent in this quest... Be careful of what you wish for... I can say that after evaluating where he has come from, the two doors he actually was able to traverse, he's commited.

So there I was, flirting, licking old wounds reading blogs, and trying to find myself. A harmless email lead me to IM dialogue. As things progressed, she got scared and briskly walked away. I understood the fears and let her go. I actually kinda threw her away, as I knew what she needed was more important than what she wanted. It was then that I became good with myself. I had centered my thoughts, feelings and emotions into my own place. I needed to. I had found the comfort w/in myself that I had lost all sense of over the years.

If you want love, you have to stop looking for it. How true this is. I blogged about my peace. I blogged about my progress from w/in. I was actually happy w/ not being fully happy. The happiest I'll ever be is when I finally to attain her, if that's even at all possible, but I was good with good enough for now. Then, it happened. The window popped up out of nowhere as I was writing some stupid post about nothing much at all, I'm sure. "Hey there! How are you?"

...and now for, the rest of the story - I'm here staring through the door into that of what I want, of what I need. I know that there is a lot of pressure w/in, but it just seems worth it to me. Is she looking for me to save her from the pressure? Is she looking for me to join her and stay w/in the pressure? Is she looking for me to help her back outside to start to fly all over again. If so, does she want to fly with me?? There are certainly no answers to these questions. She's answered some of them, but I'm not sure she's willing to go all in with her honey...

So I sit here and think back to yesterday. I think to myself, she was scared for you, AAS. She was absolutely petrified something had gone wrong, way wrong. Something did go wrong, but it wasn't finality. Was she scared for me? Was she scared for us? Was she scared she couldn't get one last word in to me... one last feeling... one last... sigh. I can't answer these questions. If it was scared for me, then she's a loving person and just wants to know that I, as an individual was ok. If she was scared for us, then I know the pressure is worth it. If she just wanted one more conversation, one more chance to express herself, one last 'I love you', then I say it's b/c she has what she's looking for and that it would've just sucked not getting that off of her chest one last time.

I love movies. I love the romantasism of them. I'm not sure she's into movies or not, but don't we all really just love them. They pull us out of our daily rut. They take our minds out to another world, where we don't have to think about our current shit. What they also do, however, is get us thinking. Is it possible to implement even a fraction of what I just saw into my everyday life? What if it's even half as good as what I've seen in this movie? Would I be happy with that?? I think I sometimes live in a movie, as what I'm seeking may not be able to actually be attained, however I've got a great scene that I want to run with.

Yesterday, after all was cleared up to the best of the situation's ability, I was there alone to decided the next course of action. I was there to determine what my life needs and what my current wants were. I felt as if I were alone. Hell, I was. What I wanted, more than anything else, was to be with her. Not necessarily in the physical sense, for that's still a few weeks away, but in the sense of just being online with her. I know it sounds crazy, but that's what my norm has become. After the shock and understanding of my penalties hit me like a brick, I just wanted to be normal again. Hence, I wanted to be w/ her. I feel her. I feel everything about her. I just wanted that feeling. Just knowing she was there. The movie scene... In forces of Nature, in one of the final scenes, Ben Affleck was rejoined w/ his fiance after a very tumultuous time period away from her. The seen climaxes w/ bad weather moving in on his wedding. There they stood looking at each other as chairs and other debris started flying all around them. Guests were screaming and running for cover. Rains came down. The camera kept circling these two as they were reconnecting. They were there, in their own world, and nothing else mattered. They embrace and kiss... They were standing in the middle of chaos, yet it didn't matter. They had each other... Hmmmm. Powerful... This is all I longed for yesterday. In a way, I got 50% of that, and yes, it was good enough.

Today, I'm still faced with that door. I still want it and am willing to take the pressure. I hope that she doesn't just get what she wished for, b/c it might just come true. I hope she realizes what she has available and convinces me to actually fly through the final door.

...and that, was the rest of the story.

"In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these”

Paul Harvey quote

~ This is AAS. Good Day!

Seriously_Real 49M

8/3/2006 9:01 am

Read the whole thing. Ignored the typos. And loved this post more than any other of yours.

I hope you know how much I mean it, how much I want you to understand it, and how proud I am of you (as if I have standing to be, but whatever) when I say this:



aascrompn replies on 8/4/2006 2:49 pm:
You and being fucking perfect... damn!

Thank you very much, senior! You are the one who got me here... Scary thought, huh?


NSAAddict 43F

8/3/2006 10:06 am

Wow Aas, what an excellent heartfelt post, I loved the bee analogy, I wish you luck and happy 300th

aascrompn replies on 8/4/2006 2:50 pm:
Thanks, your royal hotness! I just hope it made sense...

TabithaElectra 39F

8/3/2006 10:08 am

That really was amazing, and I agree with Seriously, I loved this post the most out of all of them...

So much so, that I know I will come back and read it all over again...

aascrompn replies on 8/4/2006 2:51 pm:
I'm glad that you liked it. You loved it the most? You don't have to come back... You can always just send it to the printer...

bardicman 51M

8/3/2006 4:40 pm

Well Aas...

It only took 300 posts for you to finally turn out something of quality.


Congrats Bro. You know I luv ya. Just not in that anal bandit kinda way.

I am not dead yet

aascrompn replies on 8/4/2006 2:52 pm:
It's not even good quality...

Thanks, man! I love ya back in a church kinda way.

alphuctup 41M

8/4/2006 4:08 am

Bees are cool, congrats on the 300!

aascrompn replies on 8/4/2006 2:54 pm:
Bees are cool... Hornets are even cooler, but I didn't think about that until I was half way through the damn post.

rm_xxSpecialKxx 47F
1614 posts
8/4/2006 6:47 pm


big huge hugs xxxk

jadedbabe78 107F

8/4/2006 8:23 pm

Congrats on the big 3-0-0. You made it further than I did.

Loved the post, it was insightful and I agree, one of your best yet.

Keep going strong.

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