aascrompn 43M
6957 posts
7/29/2006 7:12 pm

Last Read:
10/18/2006 8:00 am


Why does the mind take over at night time? Why does it think whatever it wants to? Tonight, I've allowed my brain to run through every bad course of events that could happen to me...

Tonight, my brain is telling me that I'm going to be very, very lonely in my new house (last post). Tonight, my brain is controlling me and that it knows I'm going to lose. Tonight, my brain is again telling me I'm not good enough to change anything to make this work...

I just can't control it. I've turned on music. I've turned on some of my favorite films. I've turend on lights, called people, etc... My brain just won't shut the fuck up!

My heart is heavy. I've tried to medicate myself to stop my brain... Nothing, absolutely nothing, is stoping it. I will try to go to bed soon, but it's going to be another sleepless night. I actually feel my heart beating (what happened when I had a panic attack). It's soooooo not in a normal state. My brain is controlling my feeling and therefore, my heart.

I've drank another bottle in one night! I'm not proud of this, but I just don't know how else to cope right now. At least I'm at home and not on the road. At least this time, I'm not going to fall asleep at the wheel, like I did about 1.5 weeks ago. The bottle of choice is Captain Morgan. 750ml's please! Oh, please add a splash of Coke! Thank you!! On top of that, I've had to take Benadryl to lower my anxiety, on top of my normal meds...

I just can't stop these overwhelming feelings... I just can't think that I'm coming out of this the winner. I don't even think this fight is going to even last long. I think I will lose.

Make it stop!

absolutelynormal 57F
6563 posts
7/29/2006 7:29 pm

((((aascrompn)))) Mac

rm_mmmgoodnova 107M/107F
1259 posts
7/29/2006 7:31 pm

Just. Stop.
Tomorrow will be better.

Admittedly, I don't know you...but from reading your blog, I think you're allowing life to control you right now rather than vice versa. Not trying to be preachy, just objective. You've got to keep some optimism. You're on the cusp of what you want...don't push it away through negativity, anxiety, and the blues. It's almost as if something is so close you can taste it, and the fear of actually achieving it is making you react negatively, and allowing your self doubt to take over. I'm not your girlfriend--and yes, most women like to see the sensitive side of a man occasionally--but too much, and it appears to be whining and gets a bit scary if one is considering embarking upon a life with someone who is so riddled with angst.

Again, please do not take this as mean-spirited, I just hate to see someone so down, especially if it appears out of proportion, and I really hope your relationship, your new home, etc. succeed.

BTW taking Benadryl, period, makes me feel really blue. So don't dismiss the possibility that it's making you feel worse rather than better.

Chin up. You've got friends in Blogville.

TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
7/29/2006 9:02 pm

Your house looks so nice, be proud aas, I have a feeling things will work out..we all go through dark times. You have many friends here.
I do hope you will be happy, and hopeful the woman you love will someday join you.

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