Dark Place...  

aascrompn 43M
6957 posts
8/16/2006 7:50 pm

Last Read:
10/18/2006 8:18 am

Dark Place...

I'm in a very dark place right now...

I have had a really long, hard day. I don't feel like being happy... just have no desire.

I just can't believe how quickly everything changes. I can't believe the ride that I've been on.

I don't want to be held. I don't want to be in a good mood. In some aspects, I feel I don't deserve to be.

I feel like staying home. I feel like quiting my job.

Right now, I feel like going out and staying out. I feel like going back to my old ways, to forget about my recent changes. Back then, I was happy w/ who I was. I was happy b/c I just couldn't feel anything. It's amazing how well you feel when you clean up a little bit. Back then, my daily schedule was quite easy. I would get up for work, take an advil, go to work, go to the bar, get drunk, come home to fall asleep. Get up, repeat pattern. I almost miss it.

How can I give anything to anybody when I can't give anything to myself??


Seriously_Real 49M

8/16/2006 8:13 pm

Johnny Appleseed here, dropping off another load.

Normal is what you feel when you feel. It's not normal to not feel. What you remember and think of returning to isn't "normal," but "usual." And usual is eventually going to kill.

Funny, but it seems like I'm living the past six years of my life all over again. And I'm normal.


hereIam51757 57F
8001 posts
8/16/2006 9:24 pm

Oh, AAS -- I can SO relate.
My love, my husband, died, for real, in November 2005.
In February 2006, it finally "HIT" me, that Ron was NEVER coming home. Never. Ever. Period. I fell into such a depression. Honestly, I had a nervous breakdown! And... well, I wanted that numbness too and for that one weekend I did just that. I locked myself in the house, in the basement, and by myself, did some serious drinking and drugging. Just didn't want to feel anything. Mind you, I stopped drinking, oh 15 years ago, and stopped doing recreational drugs over 6 years ago. So, what was I really trying to do? Punish myself? Punish Ron? Punish God? Who knows... I've stopped trying to figure out what that weekend was all about. Like you, I've got to, simply GOT TO, find the way to LOVING myself again. It's a very challenging and difficult and sometimes an "I don't want to" road. It would be so, SO easy to fall back into that drinking mode -- the numbness, the "Fuck you" attitude! But I won't. I refuse to hurt myself because of lingering unanswered questions. Every day, when I wake up, by myself yet again, I wonder... will today be better? Will I laugh? Will I cry? Will I smile? Will I make someone else happy? Where is my contentment? Does it come from work? From friends? From SEX? But, I am learning to love myself again, and I do respect myself now, more than ever before. I do not have the answers, buddy, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!!! I will make it, AAS, and so will you!

***** kisses *****
((((( hugs )))))

[whether you want them or not -- so there!]


Hippink 36F  
4498 posts
8/16/2006 10:23 pm

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a dark place. I read over your last few posts, as I'm a new visitor to your blog... but I don't know if there's any one cause for your sadness, or a mixture of life itself.

I recently came out of a depression myself... something that follows me around like a shadow and threatens to shroud me again in darkness.

I looked at my life from the outside, and figured out what was causing the problems. I removed some, found a way to live with others, and started over again. Things aren't any better yet, but at least I'm more optimistic.

I hope you can take stock of the good things, throw out the bad, and start over.
Good luck to you.
Hippie XXX

How to Get Laid on AFF The Basics
Have fun, play safe!

southrnpeach333 51F

8/17/2006 7:42 am

GROWING PAINS!!!!!! don't step backward...stand still for a moment if you have to... but don't go backward

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