Disclosure: Now That  

WomanOfSpirit 65F
30 posts
8/3/2006 10:52 am

Last Read:
8/10/2006 2:07 am

Disclosure: Now That

I have been thinking about the beauty of openness, disclosure, in relationships versus game-playing. You know, the whole 'should I call her, should he call me, do I say this, do I never bring it up…'.

Maybe it’s my age : ), but I lean heavily toward the disclosure approach. I begin with the premise everyone is slightly neurotic, probably more than slightly, with insecurities, daydreams, fantasies and such, and with that premise the so-called art of wooing wherein who should do what first or at all smells of bad theatre.

Explanation: Too much planning and strategy. Do you really want to expend that much head energy on “getting” the girl/boy? Somehow I think that if you’ve got something going on you want to say, you are better off saying it, and let the pieces fall where they may, rather than pretend to be someone you are not.

A lot of it simply has to do with personality types, though. E.g., introverts just won’t disclose that easily, obviously….

And I am not an introvert by a long shot. I love to talk. Love to initiate (not all the time; I want reciprocity) and reach out. I love being fully who I am, and being with people who are the same, and none of us judging each other.

I suppose that may be why I love the artist-musician-writer-theatre crowd. Hiding who they are, hiding the passion, just isn’t an option.

Growing up, of course, societal messages were to never call the boy, blah-blah. I never could understand that. Worse was if you actually said you loved him before he did. Worse than that was saying you loved him before you had been together a “certain length of time”. Never could figure out what the “certain length of time” was. Nine months, like having a baby? What?

I also could not understand why saying you loved someone meant the next step was marriage. Who says? How come? Can’t I love you without wanting to marry you? Can’t I love more than one person at a time?

I have an odd disposition, I have discovered, on this topic because I don’t have a problem saying I love someone. I pretty much love everybody, and even assholes fascinate me. It’s the attraction of the study of the human psyche; I can’t get enough. And if we have sex together, and it’s good, well, then, I really love you. : )

The traditional romantic, though, is also alive and well in me in that (and my profile reflects this) I do want the long-term growth relationship, the partner thingamajig, and wouldn’t it be lovely if we had creative projects we wanted to work on together. I do see it as monogamous, hetero, but I can also see how if the open disclosure mechanism was functional, if one of us needed an adventure into ‒ what would you call it? ‒ an adjusted monogamy on a temporary basis (read: affair, 3some, whatever), I could see how that would be FINE if you have your foundation together that you don’t want to screw up. Not allowing your partner what they need/want I think would more likely mess up the foundation, don’t you think?

Love to hear reactions to this.

dandy6912000 62M/60F
3383 posts
8/3/2006 12:54 pm

That is very good thinking, we really like the last part. It is a true test of the foundation to share the love of your life with another. More surprizeing as it may seem to feel the closeness of each other afterwards, when we are both recalling the chain of events that took place. To hold back from giving someone you love a freedom of choices, a chance to live out a fantasy, to cure an itch maybe that felt they missed out on at some distance past is selfest we feel. For all it has given us is a stronger bond between us
have a great day D & S

WomanOfSpirit replies on 8/8/2006 11:15 pm:
Very glad to hear it brought a closer bond between the two of you. That would be the whole point.

luv2wkout69 66M
14 posts
8/4/2006 2:07 pm

I was curious as to why someone with all of your assets was still single.
I love to dance and I too know that with the right partner it's magic.
However. after reviewing your blogs, it strikes me that you are a bit verbose. My intention is not to be mean spirited, just that in life we learn more by listening then by espousing.
Happy trails

WomanOfSpirit replies on 8/8/2006 11:28 pm:
I think I need to write a blog on the beauty of non-judgmentalism.

I suspect one of the reasons (one of the main reasons) why relationships don't work out (and I see you are separated) have to do not only with being able to listen, but being able to accept without judgment. Most of us can tell when we are being judged even in a space of silence. Judgment is a mechanism for distancing, typically a way to make oneself better than someone else, and that typically comes from fear that they might be better than you.

We all have our perceptions of how we think other people should be, i.e., less of this, more of that. What's tough is looking at ourselves, and realizing judging others is pointless and never leads to healthy communication or healthy relationships. Sometimes the very thing we criticize others for is the very thing we need to work on the most in our self.

Old_Crew 64M
4 posts
8/6/2006 1:36 am

I agree that life is too precious to not be up front. I do however find that lots of people dont know how to handle real emotions expressed openly. At this stage in my life I would rather know sooner rather than later that what I am and what I have to give meets your needs or desires.

Sometimes however discretition can be wise. I think perhaps you, read me, can come on too strong or too quickly and scare the other person away.

Romance is one of the best emotional spices I have found - it adds an intensity to the experiences. It inspires me to create and be more than who I am.

WomanOfSpirit replies on 8/8/2006 11:30 pm:
I agree with all you have said.

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