Why is this affecting me like this?  

WildWon1982 35M
625 posts
5/29/2006 9:02 pm

Last Read:
5/31/2006 7:32 pm

Why is this affecting me like this?

My last post was a bit ill-advised, I'll admit. I really don't have the right to get so passionately angry at myself for my sweetness's injuries. My role was tertiary at worst, and I'm a little embarrased about what I wrote. I hope if she recovers, and sees it, that she's not embarrased herself.

All the same, I'm in a state of flux about this. It's affecting me in a way that no normal man should. I've only known her, in this capacity, for a few months. I've never met her in person, and only in the two weeks leading up to the accident did our relationship begin to grow into anything.

But I feel genuinely depressed, like something was taken away from me, and I'm not even talking about sexual things. The way I'm reacting to this, I don't react when a family member gets sick, or even when Rick died in February (see the archives). What the duece has come over me.

I'm not in love. I can't be. I made that mistake before. I fell in love with my last girlfriend before I saw her, and while there were a lot of good moments, it lead to a relationship that wasn't exactly healthy, and it started me on the road of my streak of involuntary celibacy (18 months exactly as of tomorrow). I promised myself I wouldn't do that again. I care for her, I even like her, but I've done everything in my power to control my emotions beyond that point, at least until I actually see her. She's the type of woman I could fall for, and quite easily. But I'm doing all I can to make sure that I don't make the mistake of falling too far, too fast, especially before I see her.

But now, there's a possibility, God forbid, that I may never see her. So what does it all mean? I've done all in my power to take my mind off things, immersing myself in work, seeing movies, and other stuff, but I find myself praying more in the last 10 days than I have in the last 10 years.

SincereSiren 43F
24 posts
5/29/2006 9:46 pm

A friend of mine had a similar incident. he was corresponding with a woman from Australia - they made plans to meet over Christmas (after talking online for over a year), she was killed in a car accident a week before she was due to come into town.

My friend was shattered. How do you get closure in such a situation? In his case he had me to keep him company, either in silence or in talking. He shared what he knew of her with me and I took him out of the house on occasion so mold didn't grown on him. Eventually he met another friend of mine and they're getting married this year.

Hang in there and lean on your friends. it'll get better.

And not to belittle what you're feeling at all but it's easy to misread your own feelings when you feel like your choice has been removed or made for you.

NSAAddict 43F

5/29/2006 9:47 pm

It's a shock and you're still reeling from it. These relationships we build here are real and you can't help what you feel. Sending comfort and prayers your way...

2hard2betrue 44M

5/29/2006 10:57 pm

I don't know either of you but here's my take...
Whether you have met her in person or not, you made a connection. It's as real as anything on earth, and can be the most powerful thing in the world. Perhaps you're feeling this way not only because of the connection you have with her, but a feeling of loss about what might have been. I do hope she recovers and you two finally meet. My thoughts will be with you both.

sassyangel2006 53F

5/29/2006 11:32 pm

poor babe...its a terrible thing...and all that longing and waiting...what can i say? it happened, it is nobodies fault really it just happened... all you can do now is send your thoughts to the universe for her safe and speedy recovery. i send them too from so very far away.

i'm a new blogger, and i'm amazed at the breadth and depth of the numerous postings on here from the riduculous to the sublime, from the infinitely happy to the terribly sad.

my thoughts with you too hon, dont hold blame, hold hope ok...kisses a sassyangel

sleekmako 41F

5/30/2006 9:06 pm

damn I knew I shouldn't come here , I think you know how she felt about you .

WildWon1982 35M

5/31/2006 8:44 am

I have an inkling, and I hope she recovers to confirm it.

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