It's So Creamy...  

WildWon1982 35M
625 posts
7/5/2006 10:14 pm

Last Read:
7/14/2006 9:56 pm

It's So Creamy...

Greetings pussies and horndogs, bitches and butches. Let me be the first to welcome you to Nevada’s newest full service brothel, Ranch Undressing, where we guarantee your satisfaction, or your semen back. You all know me, I’m Bill, your friendly neighborhood Player In a Management Position. Ten points are available for correctly guessing the reference I just made. Come with me on a fully guided tour of our fine establishment. You won’t be disappointed. Your resources have been well invested. Why have we named our establishment the Ranch Undressing? Two reasons: One, for some reason, every brothel in Nevada has the word “Ranch” in it (Bunny Ranch, Chicken Ranch, etc), we figured we’d at least use a ranch term that would be recognizable to a mass audience, and two, we had rejected the last idea, “Nickel Sluts,” because people might confuse this place for a casino. And while our prices can’t be beaten, five cents just makes our employees seem trashy. We offer high class sex at middle class prices.

I hope you enjoyed the valet parking service. Of course, the garage is too small to hold the cars of all our customers, which is why they are taken to a small lot behind the field across the street. The garage here is actually one of the many fantasy rooms for our clientele. Ever have the desire to be bent over a workbench and tooled? Our garage offers such enticing pleasures and more.

Welcome to the main lounge. When our customers first arrive, I’ll be here to meet them, greet them, and answer any questions they might have. We try to cater to all anticipated needs and requests of our customers.

We can cater to walk-ins, or those with appointments. For the walk-ins, they will have a fine assortment of men and women, whichever they prefer. If they just come in off the street, our customers will be able to choose from six different women (1 black, 1 Latina, 1 Asian, 1 blonde, 1 brunette, and 1 redhead), who will service men, women, or couples, three straight men (1 black, 1 white, 1 Latin), who will serve women only, and even one gay man, who will service men. Don’t worry, though. The selection will not get stale. Every one of our employees will be on a rotating schedule, so that all our customers will have a different selection every day. Anyone who comes into our fine establishment without an appointment will leave with a full menu of our selections, and a full roster of our workers, so that they will be able to request a much more specific experience on their next visit.

We do prefer for our customers to make an appointment three hours in advance. Why? For one, three hours helps for our customer to get sufficiently horny for their experience. Imagine three hours of anticipation leading up to the greatest sex you’ve ever had. Two, the three hours allows for plenty of time for our workers to make it into the Ranch, so they can be ready and able to meet our clients’ needs, even if they’re not on the rotation for that day. Also, since most people are used to making appointments for certain goods and services up to a week in advance, and no less than a day, the idea of only having to wait three hours for the sexual experience of a lifetime will appeal to our clientele on an astronomical scale. Those that do make an appointment will be able to choose from an array of workers, rooms, and sexual experiences, all of which tailor-made to make you cum cum my lady like a butterfly sugar baby (10 more points there).

Let me take you around the Ranch. Every room in our vast manor will offer a unique experience for our wide array of customers. We begin just to our right, at the “James Gang Bar and Girl.” Other brothels use the bar as an arena for the customers to get to know the man or woman they’ve chosen for their sexual exploit du jour. I say why stop there? Sure you can have a seat, grab a cocktail served up by John Stamos (he needs the work, oh yeah, and 10 points), and maybe get some chicken wings, but our customers will also get the opportunity to serve up body shots on their worker as a means of foreplay. Why just meet the guy or girl here, when you can also roleplay successfully picking this person up? Why just sip a cognac when you can have a lovely lady sip on your yak cone? And if you’d prefer to play a little game, the bar is equipped with two pool tables. Grab your stick, whack some balls, and take a trick shot while you take a shot on your trick.

The next three rooms, all interconnected and lining the right side of the floor, are specifically designed for erotic and sensual massages. All our sex workers are state certified masseurs and masseuses. Sometimes our clientele won’t need full on intercourse. The stress of work can make a man’s or woman’s joints very tight. Our workers will relax the client with the most soothing, and stimulating massage in all of Nevada. Of course, what happens from there is anybody’s guess, which is the fun.

Next is the living room, with plush carpet, a warm, hearty fireplace, and a sunken-in couch. When our customers sit down to relax after a rousing session, they will actually walk into a small pit, facing the 52” plasma television on the wall. Closed circuit, all channels are actually voyeur cameras, giving multiple views of every room in the house. Now that’s living!

Take a walk out into the back yard and gaze upon the glory of our extra-large swimming pool. You may notice the odd shape of the pool. Don’t worry, that’s part of the design. If you’ll look to the far end, you’ll see a small spring board extending from our nude man sculpture. If one were to look from above, they would see that the diving board is precariously placed between the legs of a lovely nude woman. Go ahead, check the pool cam on the living room TV if you don’t believe me. That’s it. All riiiiiiiiiight (10).

Off from the living room is our exquisite dining room. It basically came with the house, but we at Ranch Undressing do not let a room go to waste. Imagine having your next business luncheon with the board of directors right here, being served world class meals by our staff. Let them place your napkin, and hopefully pour your wine or martini into your glass. But if it lands in your lap, they’ll gladly clean you up. Every businessman in the country would love a hot meal served by a luscious lady, or a supple young man if they’re Japanese businessmen.

Adjacent to the dining room is, of course, the kitchen. Here we prepare the world class meals that are served in the dining room, as well as the pub grub that grace the James Gang Bar and Girl. But of course, what brothel would be complete without at least offering our guests the opportunity to take their trick into the kitchen, lay them on the counter, and dowse them in whipped cream and honey and lick it off? Anyone with a food fetish will certainly have their fill here. Don’t worry; the food we serve is prepared on a different side of the room from where any sex would take place, so the Health Department will not have any issues with us.

That does it for the first floor, but if you’ll follow me down the stairs, I’ll lead you to a place of pure torture. No, it’s not a Rob Schneider movie, but you’re close. Welcome to Room 101 (10). As can see, the door we just entered is the only way out. But then again, every exit here is also an entrance. OH! Our Masters and Mistresses will show you no mercy. You may bleed, but you will cum like a goddam firehose. Ow! Sorry Rosmerta (10), I didn’t mean to speak out of turn, and use such uncouth language. Aside from our leather clad dominators, the dungeon comes fully equipped with chains, whips, a rack, and obedience cages, courtesy of THE FOUNDATION (okay, I stole them, sue me).

Back up the stairs to the second floor, and the bedrooms.

1 ‒ Smooth Operator ‒ This lush room is centered around a king sized bed with silk beige sheets under a four post canopy. The windows are lined with scented candles that I bought at Sears. Don’t worry, they’re cheap, but very effective, just ask NSAAddict. The lights are dim, the candles burn, the bed is inviting, and romantic music plays in the background. It is the perfect setting for those customers seeking a truly romantic encounter, the people who wish to make love as opposed to fucking like rabbits.

2 ‒ The Honeymooners Suite ‒ Perfect for couples, this room features a lovely heart shaped bed, with red and pink painted walls. Spend time with your loved one here, or bring in one of our workers for a third. Alice loves it when you give her a pow right in the kisser (10).

3 ‒ The Quick Stop (10) ‒ The ideal room for our customers who don’t make an advance appointment. In and out in a matter of minutes, no foreplay or oral goes on here. There’s always a line, so we need quick turnaround. However, to maintain cleanliness, the room is self cleaning, with soap and water hoses built into the walls, as well as instant-dry carpet and sheets. Let’s see those Dateline punks find anything in here (10). Also, be courteous to our employees, especially Dante. He’s not even supposed to be here today (10).

4 ‒ The Studio ‒ Here our clients can live the full adult entertainment experience. The room has microphones, light stands, and a full time camera crew to help you make your own porno. And don’t worry about the film crew. They’re fresh out of college, so they’ll take any abuse you give them, at slave wages, and they’re grateful for it. They better be, cause there are a hundred little punks graduating from Syracuse this year who would beg to kiss my butt (10).

5 ‒ The Classroom ‒ The experience in this room is two-fold. One, as we all know, every single adult with a sex drive greater than Pat Robertson (10) has had a fantasy about being disciplined in the classroom by the teacher. The yard stick on the chalkboard makes for good spankings. Where’s the bed you ask? Remove the top of the teacher’s desk, and you’ll see where you can be the teacher’s pet. The second use is as the site for actual group classes held once a week, in which our seasoned workers teach our members how be even better lovers. Perhaps the student can become the teacher. Hell, we’re always looking for new recruits.

6 ‒ The Jungle ‒ It’ll drive you mad. It’ll make you crazy (10). Here, tropical rainforest ambient sounds fill the grounds as our staff makes you feel like you’ve stepped into a tribal paradise. Of course, the skimpy tribal costumes don’t hurt either. National Geographic ain’t got shit on us (10). The wild monkey sex you have in here will bring you to your sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-knees (10).

7 ‒ Around The World ‒ French Maids, Arabian Princesses, Indian Gurus, all await you as you travel around the world in this themed bedroom. Backgrounds and scenery are drawn down from the ceiling to surround the room. Ambient music plays for whatever exotic land you choose to visit, and that can vary depending on the intensity of the sex. For instance, I traveled to Britain twice last week while auditioning new employees. Margaret served me tea while I teabagged her to the sounds of “Rule Britannia,” (10) then Trudy punched me like a hooligan while the Sex Pistols played (10).

8 ‒ Mile High Club ‒ Decked out like the fuselage of a 747, finally our clientele can experience the thrill of sex in the clouds. The room has three main features. First, the row of coach seats connect together to form a First Class bed. In the front of the “plane,” is the cockpit, where we can take you to the pilot (10). And finally, the room contains a small, cramped bathroom, one of four in the house (but we’ll explore those last), to give our guests the added stimulation of the airplane bathroom shag.

9 ‒ First Aid ‒ The nurses’ station of the Ranch Undressing, this room offers deep examinations for men and women (never has a prostate exam felt so good), and the nurses love it when you give them a throat culture. But aside from the aesthetic pleasures, this actually does serve as a first aid station, complete with medical supplies, accessed only by those members of our staff who are certified CPRs and medics. Well, it looks like little Susie’s on the up (20). Let’s move on.

10 ‒ Champagne Room ‒ Our final themed bedroom is the Champagne Room. Modeled after the shag pads of the 1960’s, this room features a spinning bed, psychedelic music, and a full bar recessed into the wall. But be diligent on your reservations. Chris Rock has the place booked through next weekend (10).

There are two further items on our tour. First, the bathrooms. All employees must wash their hands after use. There are four bathrooms in this establishment. The first you already saw in the Mile High Club. There’s another full bath on the second floor, complete with a full size tub and a stand up shower big enough for two. There are two bathrooms on the first floor, one off from the kitchen, and another adjacent to the pool, complete with a jacuzzi. Of course, for the fetishists amongst our clientele, the bathrooms can be used for blumpkins (10), Cleveland Steamers (10), and the like, depending on the workers’ willingness to perform.

The final stop on our tour is the gift shop, right next to the front entrance. Here, we offer our customers a wide variety of erotic toys, games, videos, and other delights. If we don’t have it in stock, we have an extensive catalogue of items we can special order direct from Adam and Eve, and get them for a discount, sometimes even at cost, allowing us to pass the savings on to the customers. Also, the guests can buy voyeur pictures of their visit, or the VHS or DVD copy of their “Studio” session. We also sell Ranch Undressing membership cards, giving our customers discounts on future visits. We also offer our own array of personal nick-nacks with our corporate logo, condoms, coffee mugs, etc. We even have clever t-shirts, like this one. “I went to the Ranch Undressing and all I got was rubbed, kissed, licked, sucked, fucked, cornholed, jizzed on, and this lousy t-shirt.” We also have a Lost and Found. Look what’s in the crate right now:

One Timex digital watch, broken
One black suit jacket
One pair black suit pants
One hat, black
One pair sunglasses

(50 points for that one)

You would think that all this sexual pleasure would come at a premium. You’d be wrong. We cater to all sexual deviants, regardless of social status. All over the place, you see people charging hundreds, even thousands of dollars, just to spend a few minutes with an attractive man or woman. We here at the Ranch Undressing say, “Fuck that,” and offer our customers realistic prices. It doesn’t cost that much to get laid in the real world. Why should it cost an arm and a leg to get it from professionals? Here’s an example of some of our prices.
Massages: $10 per half hour, with $5 extra for a happy ending.
Oral: $20 to receive, $10 to give. Our employees may charge a personal premium to swallow.
Sex: $20 for Quick Stop sessions. No appointment necessary, though there may be a line. We charge $40 for a full session of sex, including massage, foreplay, oral, and penetration to coitus. We provide the condoms for free cause we steal them from the VD clinic. There’s a $5 extra charge for walk-ins, and an extra $10 per partner beyond the first. The workers may charge personal premiums for extras, including anal, double penetration, internal orgasms, snowballs, and other perversions I haven’t thought of.
There are also niche services, such as “Make Your Own Porno,” in The Studio. MYOPs will cost a total of $75 for VHS, $80 for DVDs, all inclusive.
The Ranch Undressing also sells Membership Cards. Clients who buy memberships for $400 a year will receive five full sex sessions for free, as well as a 25% discount on all services. Members also enjoy exclusive benefits and promotions.

Now, how do we get the word out there? Well, this blog, run by the generous, and dead sexy (10) WildWon1982, is only the beginning. Did we mention he’s available, ladies?

This is Nevada. And what is Nevada most known for? Casino resort hotels. And what is the most useless thing in a hotel room, especially in Sin City? The freaking Gideon Bible in the night stand drawer. Well, we’ve finally put that piece of shit to use. Inside every hotel bible is a copy of our full menu, directions to our establishment from the hotel, and exclusive couPOONs to be used here at the Ranch.

We’ve also launched a massive television advertising campaign. During the daytime soap operas, we’ll run ads targeted directly at the desperate housewives of Nevada (10). During the afternoon and evening, we’ll air fun little animated ads designed to make children giggle, all the while subliminally corrupting their brains. The parents won’t notice, because they’ll be laughing at the subtle adult jokes laced in. During the late night hours, we’ve produced this lovely spot.

“Ever dream of having your own personal island, full of hot young girls battling each other to get naked for you? Then you’re fucking insane. Girls Gone Wild is a ball of shit. All it is is a bunch of drunk 18 year olds getting naked for the camera. You don’t want to see girls get naked. You want to FUCK girls! Fuck GGW and their teasing ways. Come down to Ranch Undressing, and see, and feel the real thing. And none of that stupid ass censor shit over the tits and pussy.”

We’ve also devised several print ads based upon the Magic Eye pictures. Cross your eyes, and you can see a giant cock.

Finally, we have forged an exclusive business contract with all the local dairies to subtly advertise the Ranch Undressing. On the back of every milk carton distributed throughout the state of Nevada, there will be a picture of one of our workers in place of those pathetic little missing kids, all bearing the message: “Have you fucked me?”

You may wonder how we’ll be able to remain profitable while offering such low prices. Well, for one, by the laws of supply and demand, lower prices will equal more demand. Word of mouth will create a larger base of customers. Also, since all of our employees are freelance “independent contractors,” they are responsible for their own taxes, saving us money on accounting services. I, as Player in Management Position, will take 25% of all sales off the top, and they’re responsible for the rest. But aside from the basic economics, we have what it takes to beat the competition.

Yes, we have the best prices of any brothel in the world. But that’s just the beginning. We will draw their customers, one, by honoring all competitors couPOONs, HOmotions, and DICKScounts. No competitor’s price will beat ours. It’s as simple as that. But the real kicker is in our workers themselves. We have several “moles” working for us. When they’re not in the rotation, and not scheduled for a trick, they are working freelance at the other brothels, under different names and wearing different makeup and costumes, intentionally giving sub-standard performances to their customers. The clients, dissatisfied with their experiences, will eventually make their way to us, where even if they meet up with one of our moles again, they’ll have the time of their lives, and if they question it, our employees will simply chalk it up to the training they got here.

Also, our employees go beyond the fuck. Many men and women feel ashamed about the prospect of paying for sex. They may feel they’re unattractive, somehow inferior, and that’s why they have to pay. They feel that they’d never get it otherwise. That’s where our follow-up service comes into play. Our workers will not only fuck you, but they’ll actually call you the next day, to see how work was going (10). Our customers will have improved self-esteem, but they’ll also develop a sense of consumer loyalty to our establishment. They’ll feel good about themselves, AND they’ll keep coming back.

The final base for consumer loyalty has been staring you all in the face for some time. Throughout this tour, you’ve seen me note numbers whenever I make a reference of some kind. When our customers buy a membership to Ranch Undressing, they’ll be able to accumulate these points whenever they correctly point out the reference to any employee. They will then be able to redeem those points for a variety of goods and services. Free merchandise, free oral, even free sex. If they save up their points, they can even redeem them eventually for an all day mass orgy.

And now, to you, my investors. We can’t thank you enough for your time and resources, so we offer these extras to you. First, before taxes, you get a minimum of 10% of our profits, and that’s not including the normal kickbacks you get as the executives of the company. We also offer the pick of the litter for free. Our employees are here because of you. They are more than willing to show their appreciation free of charge. Hell, they’ll even let you cum inside them, or them cum inside you (they’re tested weekly, don’t worry). We want our investors to have the fullest sexual experience as thanks for everything you’ve done. Finally, as a special added bonus, our workers will visit you at any place you choose, work, home, hospital after your husband/wife dies, whatever you desire. They will not do this for anyone else. House calls are not available to our customers, only to you. Not only do we want you to have great sex, but we want added convenience as well.

Thank you once again for your investment, and we will do everything in our power to make this the greatest brothel, not just in the state of Nevada, but in the world. Thank you for visiting Ranch Undressing. Now, if you’ll walk this way, you can have your salad tossed (10).

mycin62 55F

7/6/2006 2:23 am

This is BRILLIANT!!! Sign me up, I want to invest ALL my money with you!!!

And, maybe, work a little on the side in the jungle room

Kaliedascope61 43M
4084 posts
7/6/2006 4:24 am

Great Ideas! Brillant!!!!

I'd like to reserve the champagne room please!

champagnechaser 42F
1639 posts
7/6/2006 5:07 am

This is great wildwon!

NSAAddict 43F

7/6/2006 8:37 am

Wow WW you rocked it! LOL, I can picture you giving that little tour in a hugh heffner smoking jacket Excellent job!

meerkittykat 43F

7/8/2006 7:38 pm

Ok Bill...the voting booth is up and running...........

Come to [post 419109] vote!!!!!!

Thanks for humouring me....y'all made it good fun.

Whispersoftly5 53F
15176 posts
7/8/2006 7:52 pm

This is excellent!! Good luck in the contest!


rm_sexxikritter 53F
2715 posts
7/8/2006 8:23 pm

Wonderful! I love those theme rooms.

rm_sexxikritter 53F
2715 posts
7/13/2006 2:32 pm

As the newly named VP for Havala's Playhouse, I take great pleasure in posting this for the whole world to see:

[post 424759]

Peace, Kritter, VP...that's Vice Pussy

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