100 Ways to Leave Your Lover with 99 Problems  

WildWon1982 35M
625 posts
7/9/2006 2:30 pm

Last Read:
7/12/2006 8:54 am

100 Ways to Leave Your Lover with 99 Problems


20 points on that one.

Yes folks, it has finally happened. No, still haven't gotten laid, but that can be rectified if anyone wants it to be.

This is my 100th post. I've been on the site just over a year, and blogging just under a year. I've mused, joked, opined, begged for sex, and shared some good stories (I hope). But what to do to celebrate the centennial?

The standard thing is to do a post listing 100 things about yourself. But I already did that. See 100 Reasons to Love or Hate Me. I didn't know it was a 100 post tradition at that point. I just saw that a bunch of people did it (most recently at that point was frogger1995), so since I was still relatviely new to the blog universe, I figured it would be a humorous way to open up. But now that I've done that, what do I do now? Well, check the first paragraph for the answer.

It has been a running gag for the past year that I can't get laid to save my life. I have gone 1 year, 7 months, 9 days since the last time I had sex of any kind. I call it "involuntary celibacy," or "the unholy streak." As much consternation as I draw from it, I also find humor in it. Even last night at the picnic, the CT Bloggers all (including myself) had a good laugh at it at one point or another.

So in the spirit of tradition, and a show of good sportsmanship (cause I can take anything I dish out), I submit for your entertainment, enjoyment, and masturbatory assistance:

100 Reasons (Excuses) Why I Can't Get Laid
1. I actually know how long it's been.
2. I actually make up names for the streak.
3. In my year plus here, I've never actually asked anyone to fuck me outside of a joke.
4. NSA thinks I'm too young.
5. I couldn't get enough gas to drive to kuriousqt's end of NYS.
6. I can't go to bars alone, and when I do, it's too loud, and I'm too nervous, to talk to anyone. The only way to calm those nerves is to get massively drunk, but I can't do that if I'm alone, cause I have to drive myself home. It's a catch-22.
7. I won't pay (that includes prostitutes, chat rooms, and this site).
8. I haven't yet found that special girl who'll say "yes."
9. I don't want pity sex, unless the pity actually makes a girl WANT to sleep with me. Don't do me any favors, don't act like you're lowering your standards for my sake. If you want me, take me. If you don't, then don't.
10. One word: Mango.
11. Kali got to CC first.
12. I'm about as good at picking up chicks as I am at picking up a Chrysler.
13. The multitude of condoms in my car has a greater chance of scaring a woman to death than turning her on.
14. Although I have magic fingers, touching women in public is frowned upon in this country.
15. 1lovelybrunette is allergic to my rubbers.
16. I turned down the one offer I got (from an older couple that I wasn't attracted to).
17. I didn't go crawling back to my ex.
18. I didn't go crawling to a dominatrix.
19. I watch pornos for plot.
20. Women my age want models, athletes, and porn stars.
21. Women older than me think I'm immature when they see my age.
22. Women younger than me could land me in jail.
23. Most women prefer it if my breasts are smaller than theirs.
24. Though it has a sort of novelty sexiness to shave one's pubic area, the ingrown hairs three days later are not appealing to the eye.
25. I can sing, but I don't sing the songs most women like, cause ballads are lame, and pop music sucks.
26. MWW has the same first name as my mother, which is just kind of weird to me.
27. ESPN has a very strict sexual harrassment policy.
28. It turns out that strippers really aren't that interested in me.
29. Though it is true, and though in private it is appreciated, telling a woman that I love the taste of pussy can be quite awkward, especially while on line at the DMV.
30. Tipsy Bill is fun. Drunk Bill is sexy. Stumbling-over Plastered Bill is not. And Drunk Bill can't tell when he's about to switch classes.
31. I complain about too much stuff, which kills any potential mood.
32. I'm a full grown man who watches cartoons.
33. I am honest to a fault, which includes admitting my shortcomings when it comes to women.
34. All the sexiness genes in my family apparently went to my sister (has dated men, women, trannies, is engaged, and has been offered stripping jobs).
35. As it turns out, I am not too sexy for my shirt.
36. When mentioning the absurdity of the movie, "40 Days and 40 Nights," sarcastically feeling sorry for Josh Hartnett having to go 40 whole days without sex, a girl once responded, "You're not Josh Hartnett." Ouch.
37. Although I believe in fidelity, and monogamy (swinging exlcuded), I spent a summer in Ireland with 7 women, and didn't make a move on any of them, even the single ones, because I had my girlfriend at the time.
38. Mentioning you're from Syracuse, and that you hate the Yankees and Red Sox, does not sit well with the women of Connecticut.
39. Despite the videos, saying, "What up bitch" to anyone but your dog is not appreciated.
40. I can't get Mrs. Prag a job at ESPN. At least not yet.
41. I don't do guys, so half the population is eliminated.
42. I keep accidentally giving away classified information for the Meet & Greets.
43. My Fleshlight's material contains a sort of "penis crack," which makes me addicted to it, rather than actual vagina.
44. Ice picks only make a good icebreaker in the most literal sense.
45. If karma and reincarnation are real, I must have done something fucked up in a previous life.
46. The US's failure in the World Cup has diminished my spirit.
47. George Bush. I blame him for every other problem in this world.
48. The last woman who seemed interested lost that interest as soon as I decided I didn't want to chat on a webcam site.
49. I can't dance.
50. I switched places with Bizzaro Bill, who gets laid every 45 minutes in another dimension.
51. I just made a Bizarro reference.
52. No one will let me be their wingman.
53. Sixty extra pounds.
54. My eyes are my best feature, but I can only undress a woman with them. I can't fuck her with them.
55. I have yet to come up with a system for redeeming my blog reference points.
56. I give out blog reference points.
57. I haven't done the obvious, and just said that the points can be redeemed for sexual favors from me.
58. Until recently, my bed was a futon matress on the floor.
59. I have a roommate with a frenetic schedule, so we're never guaranteed to be alone. Plus my roommate is way prettier than me.
60. I work nights.
61. I give up and resort to porn and masturbation way too soon.
62. I give up and resort to porn and masturbation way too often.
63. I refuse to change who I am.
64. Beggars can be choosers. I won't sleep with someone I'm not attracted to.
65. If I don't win "Sex-Prentice," I'll use that as well.
66. If I do win "Sex-Prentice," I'll say that it takes up too much of my time.
67. I honestly don't know how to tell if a woman is attracted to me.
68. I can't tell a signal from a traffic light.
69. God hates me.
70. Women may hate me.
71. Apparently, headaches and periods last for months at a time.
72. I'm a nice guy, and I deserve a nice girl, but...(insert rejection tag here).
73. I find humor in the fact that I can't get laid.
74. Telling women I'm sexier than Napoleon Dynamite really doesn't mean all that much.
75. When a woman says, "Bite my ass," she really doesn't want you to respond with, "Really?"
76. Women on this site don't want to see dick pics, but won't talk to me if I don't show it. Which is it?
77. Mycin works even later hours than I do.
78. The only time I got solicited by a hooker was the night my truck died. So even if I wasn't so pissed off and accepted, the death of the car would have killed any chance of nookie.
79. Pornos lie. I've never seen a porno scenario happen in real life.
80. I have, in the past, said awkward things in bed. Example: "Oh yeah baby, play with my worthless male nipple." Kind of kills the mood.
81. Everything's a joke to me. Perhaps too many things.
82. There's a step in the process I haven't figured out. I know step one is wanting to fuck. I know the last step is the actual fucking. I can't figure out the stuff in between.
83. The gym has not yet had the desired effect.
84. I have been THAT friend to women. The friend they can trust, love in a platonic sense, and share intimate moments with, but they won't screw.
85. For the longest time, people associated my bad luck with latent homosexuality.
86. Assuring a woman of the best 30 seconds she'll have this minute really doesn't sell the case.
87. I've brought condoms to a date, which was deemed to be too presumptuous.
88. I've left condoms behind when going on a date, and was turned down because I didn't have them.
89. I've been given condoms at a social gathering, but not given the opportunity to try them out.
90. I know how to have fun without having sex, but there's a fucking limit, people!
91. Telling a girl it's your birthday rarely works, especially when it's the chick checking your ID at the bar.
92. Many woman have pondered aloud, "I wonder why he doesn't have a girlfriend," or "I wonder why he can't get any." But when asked if they'd be the one to change that, they answer their own question with, "No."
93. As many times as I've been kicked down there, I should be thankful the junk even works.
94. Admitting that I can relate to the "Shrinkage" episode of "Seinfeld" doesn't help my case.
95. I was voted "Most Likely to Marry out of Desperation," by my high school's underground newspaper.
96. I almost justified it.
97. As it turns out, it isn't the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean. However, it takes a while to cross the ocean in a canoe.
98. My first girlfriend only fooled around with me to make my best friend jealous, refused to be nude in front of me, and wouldn't suck my dick. There's a surefire confidence builder.
99. I've been thinking up this list when I could have gone to the beach to troll for booty.
100. I honestly don't know why I can't get laid. Anybody figured this out yet? Any ideas?

MWWwantmore 52F

7/9/2006 2:56 pm

You are too hard on yourself!

LMAO at # 26 Come on son!



I'll have a cafe, mocha, vodka, valium latte to go please!

Good girls go to heaven.....bad girls go down!!


moonlightphoenix 46F
6508 posts
7/9/2006 3:16 pm

George Bush. It's definitely all his fault.


rm_KarmoHunny 56F
888 posts
7/9/2006 3:19 pm

Oh, you are way too funny! I hope you'll be able to get laid soon! No shit!


NSAAddict 43F

7/9/2006 4:13 pm

FLMAO!!! This is the best 100 things list I've seen on this site Now I apologize for number 4, I take full responsibility for that one, but yes you can blame George Bush as well I do however promise not to make things worse and complain about my current run at celibacy. Hoping you get some SOON and congrats on 100!!


Djeeper1987 48M

7/9/2006 4:42 pm

62. I give up and resort to porn and masturbation way too often.



Carpe Diem


JuicyBBW1001 56F

7/9/2006 5:06 pm

That is too funny and Happy 100th

Juicy


WildWon1982 35M

7/9/2006 8:24 pm

Why would I vote for my competition, especially when they're way the fuck ahead of me?


LustyTaurus 50M
21253 posts
7/9/2006 9:51 pm

Congrats on 100 WildWon...#19 on your list was my favorite....mainly because I do that too...

As for your "involuntary celibacy", your time will come...no pun intended...


docdirk 49M

7/10/2006 8:20 pm

Ever think about becoming a priest? They don't seem to have any problems getting laid!!

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...


mycin62 56F

7/12/2006 1:59 am

LOL at Doc, as usual

OK, here's why you can't get laid: NSA thinks you're to young, Mango is a fake, MWW's name is the same as your moms, you can't get Mrs Prag a job at ESPN, Kali got to CC first, Phucbuddy, Mr Prag and Doc are guys and I work to late!!!!

CONGRATS ON 100!!


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