no where else to vent  

Thebedhoudini 44M
7 posts
5/20/2005 4:30 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

no where else to vent


I just needed to vent and didn’t feel like talking to actual humans. I am currently finishing up getting devoiced after 7 years of marriage. I have two little girls who are well a gusted and extremely smart. Over the years I have allowed myself to think more and feel less. It’s a safe place when rationality is your compass. But the one place my heart has always been soft is my girls. My ex told me once that it was like they had an all access key to any part of my heart and everyone else had to wade through barricade after barricade. Not to say I don't feel. It’s more to say that allowing myself to recognize the truth of what I feel is sometimes pretty murky. My friends find me easy to be around, understanding, open-minded, intuitive, and a lot of them think they know me pretty well. But it seems the closer you get to knowing me better the more you realize how many layers there are. I am very fortunate to have a handful of great friends. Anyway I got off track. The reason I am writing this is in 5 weeks my children are going to be moving away from me and I don't know how to handle it. This is one of those times I wish I could just get out of my head and cry. The thought of being separated from my children is chewing me up from the inside. I go about my days very business as usual only it feels like someone is taking a cheese grader to my insides. It hurts so badly and I can't do anything about it. I try to make every moment count and I tell myself "they won't be that far","you'll see them all the time" but I won't not because I am going to neglect my kids but just the fact that I want them to continue to be an everyday part of my life but if they live 3 1/2 hrs away it makes it a little difficult. Wow it's late. I apologies for rattling on. I don't normally open up like this. I need to sleep. I hope I feel better in the morning.

rm_IntensityToo 48F

5/20/2005 4:46 am

I am so sorry about your situation. I admire you for being able to express your feelings towards your girls, most men can't or don't. It is very refreshing. I can't imagine your pain, but I do have understanding of it as I have been divorced with children involved. I allowed them to live with their father for two years, and though only and hour and a half away, my days were miserable and my heart longed for them every minute. I can't give you answers or say anything that will ease your pain, but perhaps a few suggestions as you make this transition: get unlimited long distance and call, call, call....call every night before bed, make it a routine so they look forward to hearing from dad. Mail something everyday (with a prepostaged return envelope) maybe coloring pages, connect the dots,(I don't know how old your kids are, but something age appropriate)This gets them looking for something from you and has things from them coming to you. Talking picture frames are cool too, change the message each time you get to see them...ones for you and ones for them (they have talking stuffed animals also. I know this doesn't help, but I couldn't read your post and not respond.


kcbg707 32F

5/20/2005 10:44 am

As you know this is a weak subject for me to talk about for as I am writing right now, tears are falling from my eyes.The love you have as a father for your children is more than a lot of kids receive in their lifetime. I think that what "Intensity" is suggesting are some of the best ideas I have ever heard in my life. If that would have been done for me when I was younger, I'm quite sure I would have a very different relationship and attitude with my Bio-Dad. Let alone, be a much different person now. It's hard all the way around. There will not be a simple solution, but if you never let them go and let them always know you are thinking of them, they'll know you were not abandoning them, neglecting them, or giving them up. Give them you're all while they're still here, even if that means spending less time with others. Do it every night if possible. And of course, there is always the option of you leaving too. And I for one wouldn't blame you if you left. {=}


kissablemeinmn 49F

5/23/2005 7:17 pm

It is just wrong for parents and kids in a healthy relationship to be separated. It is just wrong. Great suggestions listed here. My best to you. All children should be so lucky to have such love for them. My heart goes out to youand to your children. Should you ever want a shoulder or an ear to vent to - I'm almost always online. Big hugs to you. I hope you find your inner strength.

Kisses,
Miranda


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