Agony Aunts of AFF  

TheCliticals 36F/F
994 posts
6/12/2006 11:37 pm

Last Read:
7/5/2006 12:07 am

Agony Aunts of AFF

I suggested this to Dee on Sunday " What AdultFriendFinder needs is an Agony Aunt" but she laughed and wandered off to the kitchen. Later she returned smiling " We could really have some fun with that but what if people really have problems?"

"No bother darling, most of them didnt actually pay for their membership"

With little further thought we now wish it to be known that Sympathetic Sandy and Dependable Dee will answer all questions, however lame and misguided, that the lovelorn, lost, crazy, confused, and simply horny wish to submit to us in the comments section of this post.

Using some of our emails as examples, lets begin with .....


Eaasy , who writes " Hi, I'm a 40 year young black man. Is that OK?"

Dear Eaasy,
Yes Eaasy. You're perfectly within your rights to be any age and color you want. Next week Im thinking of being green.

Dependable Dee

and then there's ....

monkeybumlove, who wrote "Nice pic's, but the question is, is it really you or AdultFriendFinder dick teasing???? "
Dear monkeybumlove,
Afraid to advise you that we are only AdultFriendFinder BOTs sent here to tease you, though we cant coz your dick seems to be inside that monkey.

Sympathetic Sandy


And then there's realboy, who wrote "How are you today? It was pleasant to discover your profile. I work as a teacher here in Norway. Would like to teach two sexy woman.....a lesson in math or something. Then it would continue in a ......yes you have got the point. I have to punish students who didnt do they homework Could this be interesting?"
Dear realboy,
Thank you so much for your very kind offer. Our maths are fine although we could help you with your english if you can bear the pain. As your first exercise write 100 lines of " My name is realboy and I am a dull boring idiot who fancies himself as a dom". Then hit your head against a wall ten times, Very hard.

Dependable Dee

But we couldnt miss out freelancer, who asked
" May I introduce the London Greedy Guys.
I am a member of that group, we are a large group of guys that help out people such as yourself. We have a variety of guys in the group to cater for most tastes. If you want to know more just ask or send me a wink and I will sort something out."

Dear Freelancer,
You have been making such good progress since we first observed you in the asylum. Its so good to see that you have overcome your feelings of aloneness and self-loathing by linking up with other men with the same condition. Now all you need to do is to channel some of that combined energy away from victimising women and into your local rugby team. Enjoy the scrums.

Sympathetic Sandy

All comments will be dealt with compassionately so do please leave yours.

That Includes You Shy People
.


funintheday2006 57M
9659 posts
6/13/2006 12:17 am

Fucking priceless!
Remin me never to send yoou 2 vixens an email, the embarrasment would drive me off the site!
Wicked witches, I luv ya!
Have fun


rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
6/13/2006 12:30 am

Dear S&D,

My lover's significant other has gone to Europe for the summer and now we are able to have some time together. Since you're over there, can you manufacture an international incident that grounds all traffic to the U.S. for a few years? You have some time to work on this, since she's not due back until the end of July.

Thanks,
Kelli


londongames 37M

6/13/2006 12:37 am

damn it i might have to write you two monkey lovers an email just so as not to feel left out. I never fully understood the idea of an "agony" aunt though.... care to find out the origin?

lg

ps. boy do i look forward to your responses to my next post


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/13/2006 12:51 am

    Quoting funintheday2006:
    Fucking priceless!
    Remin me never to send yoou 2 vixens an email, the embarrasment would drive me off the site!
    Wicked witches, I luv ya!
    Have fun
Dear FunInTheDay,
Rest assured that many men suffer from a similar reluctance, all because they fear embarrasment. We understand that the same problem prevents many boys from taking up team sports when they are young. Repeat the following ten times every morning on waking " I am, I can, I will." Or as I often told my ex-boyfriend, darling size isnt anything to be embarrased about.
Sympathetic Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/13/2006 12:53 am

    Quoting rm_kelli4u2dew:
    Dear S&D,

    My lover's significant other has gone to Europe for the summer and now we are able to have some time together. Since you're over there, can you manufacture an international incident that grounds all traffic to the U.S. for a few years? You have some time to work on this, since she's not due back until the end of July.

    Thanks,
    Kelli
Dear Kelli,

We have booked a brief iceage to commence at the end of July. That should do the trick. Normally we'd wait till November but as you seem on a tight deadline, we're making an exception.

Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/13/2006 12:57 am

    Quoting londongames:
    damn it i might have to write you two monkey lovers an email just so as not to feel left out. I never fully understood the idea of an "agony" aunt though.... care to find out the origin?

    lg

    ps. boy do i look forward to your responses to my next post
Dont think that the coincidence of your previous post and the name of the emailer known as monkeybumlove was lost on us. We were very tempted to refer him to your blog post but there are limits even to the effort that we are prepared to go to keep our readers happy.

Did you have a question for us?

Dependable Dee


toothysmile 52M
16517 posts
6/13/2006 3:36 am

Well, I'm glad your email inbox is more fun than mine...
Please share more of these gems with us, I'm sure there 'll be a lot more coming in.



QueenOfSwords 36F

6/13/2006 5:05 am

Ok. If I ride my bicycle from Amsterdam to Brussels in July, am I likley to meet a nice guy along the way?


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/13/2006 5:15 am

    Quoting DustyWidget:
    Ladies

    My name is Dusty and I have this terrible secret.

    Whenever I'm near a tree I have this burning desire to make love to the two nymphs that live within. At first it was just a mild obsession but the other day I was observed in a highly compromising position in a woodland glade. I wouldn't mind so much butI can't get all the splinters out.

    Do you think there's a future for me and my dendrolovelies?
Dear Dusty,

Yes there's every possibility of a few silvan romps in your future unless you fall victim to woodworm before your leafy fantasy comes to fruit.

Dependable Dee


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/13/2006 5:23 am

    Quoting toothysmile:

    Well, I'm glad your email inbox is more fun than mine...
    Please share more of these gems with us, I'm sure there 'll be a lot more coming in.



Dear Toothysmile,

Thank you for your best wishes for our little space in A F F Blogstown. We almost have enough of your picture now to cut and paste a good identikit poster.

Now, to answer your complaint regarding emails and the lack of, we suggest that you replace the picture of your eyes with a picture of your ears. We love men with BIG ears

Sandy


londongames 37M

6/13/2006 5:36 am

yes i do.
is dusty widget your irish pimp?

dear dusty:
you're doing a fine job even if i do say so myself. please re-iterate to the girls that they are to stop this nonsensical emotional advice bin, and stick to the nitty gritty: that be - those live webcasts from London zoo - that way everyone can see how I handle them both from my cage

fluckin monkey arms my arse!!

lg


rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
6/13/2006 6:18 am

Thank you! {=}


earthShiva 61M

6/13/2006 8:31 am

Dear SS & DD bots,

I'm SO glad you're taking on this task! My verbosity problem is getting much better, thank you. Your non-response to all my other emails has been a tremendous help! Thank you so much for your compassionate silence. It means so much to me!

Today I'm not writing about me. My malpractice underwriter does not allow me to respond to requests from foreign nationals. A few requests have crept into my Inbox. As I am strapped with a gag order, I thought perhaps you could help.

A poor soul in Surrey writes:

Dear Earth,
I've been having this terrible problem that nobody takes seriously. I'm well-hung, good looking, robust libido and basically a good catch. I've never had trouble getting women to pay attention to me, and have always taken pride in my skill and attentiveness as a lover. A couple months back, a friend returned from Brazil with a secret formula from the Amazon for increased male vigor, along with the main ingredient - fresh yohimbe bark. We followed the recipe and brewed up the tea. Well, it seems the recipe calls for dried bark, not fresh, and it has worked much too well! I've been fully erect non-stop for over two months. It was fun for about eleven hours, but then it just started to hurt. Now my maleness is so sensitive that the lightest touch is excruciatingly painful. My doctor just laughed and told me to open a tea shop and get rich. My girl got fed up with just looking at it and told me to call when I come back down. My friend is doing no better and has called Brazil. Nobody there seems to know about any antidote.

I'm terribly horny but I can't even touch myself. I tried receptive anal just to get some relief but I don't get along with that crowd well and it didn't really work for me anyway. What do I do?
-HandsOffMidas

A cottage owner in Cornwall writes:

Dear ES,
I have a problem. I'm a distance runner and a lifelong crossdresser. I am completely straight and have been in a stable relationship with a wonderful woman for nearly two years. The problem is, my conditioning keeps me lithe and trim, and I am two dress sizes smaller than she is. She sometimes tries to wear some of my more loose-fitting outfits, but they just look silly on her. The few times I've said anything critical, so accuses me of being competitive. And there isn't a thing in her closet I would put on. We're at the point where we are talking about moving in, but I just don't know if I can handle her looking silly in my clothes. Do I let her move in? If so, how do I keep her our of my closet?
-CornwallFlower

I'm sure any advice for these folks would be appreciated. I'll tell them to watch your blog. Keep up the good work!


bigsexualtrainer 34M

6/13/2006 10:30 am

    Quoting QueenOfSwords:
    Ok. If I ride my bicycle from Amsterdam to Brussels in July, am I likley to meet a nice guy along the way?
Sorry can i ride with you????


SpaceRangerNJ 56M
4687 posts
6/13/2006 11:57 am

Hello ladies.
I need to find a place to play when I have a partner. Home is not an option; Married. If their home is not an option, where would you suggest. Hotels can be expensive and leave a trail.
See my blog on the state of my marriage if you're curious.
Thank you dears.
SR


Sarahwilling 37F

6/13/2006 1:38 pm

Dear Cliticals:
My question: was it hard to decide to embarrass AdultFriendFinder men further knowing how much they embarrass themselves already?

Second question: I am flying to Europe via London in July. If I were to have tea with you, would it be at 5 or it is just a myth?

Love, Sarah.


toothysmile 52M
16517 posts
6/13/2006 2:59 pm

Dear S+D,
Thank you for your kind suggestions. Feel free to visit my blog. You'll find many more pics for your poster. Unfortunately, only partial ones of my ears, but I'll do my best to comply with your request in the near future.
I am sad to inform you my ears are rather small. I have large feet, if that wins me any points with you.
kisses.



TheCliticals 36F/F

6/13/2006 7:47 pm

    Quoting londongames:
    yes i do.
    is dusty widget your irish pimp?

    dear dusty:
    you're doing a fine job even if i do say so myself. please re-iterate to the girls that they are to stop this nonsensical emotional advice bin, and stick to the nitty gritty: that be - those live webcasts from London zoo - that way everyone can see how I handle them both from my cage

    fluckin monkey arms my arse!!

    lg
Dear LondonGames,
Dusty used to be our pimp till we caught him sneaking tabs from our complimentary Viagra tray in our customers' lounge. Since then we've replaced him with an Agent who gets us published in addition to getting us laid.
Since then Dusty has been writing a novel of his own, "The Clitical Invasion", basing much of his material on his previous life experience as Inspector McSporran of Scotland Yard.
We also have to decline your offer to document our wildlife adventures as we have a prior commitment to 'Uncle David'.
Sympathetic Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/13/2006 8:22 pm

    Quoting earthShiva:
    Dear SS & DD bots,

    I'm SO glad you're taking on this task! My verbosity problem is getting much better, thank you. Your non-response to all my other emails has been a tremendous help! Thank you so much for your compassionate silence. It means so much to me!

    Today I'm not writing about me. My malpractice underwriter does not allow me to respond to requests from foreign nationals. A few requests have crept into my Inbox. As I am strapped with a gag order, I thought perhaps you could help.

    A poor soul in Surrey writes:

    Dear Earth,
    I've been having this terrible problem that nobody takes seriously. I'm well-hung, good looking, robust libido and basically a good catch. I've never had trouble getting women to pay attention to me, and have always taken pride in my skill and attentiveness as a lover. A couple months back, a friend returned from Brazil with a secret formula from the Amazon for increased male vigor, along with the main ingredient - fresh yohimbe bark. We followed the recipe and brewed up the tea. Well, it seems the recipe calls for dried bark, not fresh, and it has worked much too well! I've been fully erect non-stop for over two months. It was fun for about eleven hours, but then it just started to hurt. Now my maleness is so sensitive that the lightest touch is excruciatingly painful. My doctor just laughed and told me to open a tea shop and get rich. My girl got fed up with just looking at it and told me to call when I come back down. My friend is doing no better and has called Brazil. Nobody there seems to know about any antidote.

    I'm terribly horny but I can't even touch myself. I tried receptive anal just to get some relief but I don't get along with that crowd well and it didn't really work for me anyway. What do I do?
    -HandsOffMidas

    A cottage owner in Cornwall writes:

    Dear ES,
    I have a problem. I'm a distance runner and a lifelong crossdresser. I am completely straight and have been in a stable relationship with a wonderful woman for nearly two years. The problem is, my conditioning keeps me lithe and trim, and I am two dress sizes smaller than she is. She sometimes tries to wear some of my more loose-fitting outfits, but they just look silly on her. The few times I've said anything critical, so accuses me of being competitive. And there isn't a thing in her closet I would put on. We're at the point where we are talking about moving in, but I just don't know if I can handle her looking silly in my clothes. Do I let her move in? If so, how do I keep her our of my closet?
    -CornwallFlower

    I'm sure any advice for these folks would be appreciated. I'll tell them to watch your blog. Keep up the good work!
Dear Professor Shiva,
We are honoured that a tantric healer of your standing would garnish our little blogspace as you do, and we always enjoy your efforts to write in proper english, notwithstanding your American education. Lettuce begin firstly with your own problems. Your verbosity can only be cured, as we have previously advised you, by a strenuous culling of your book shelf. Build a good bonfire in the backyard and begin by throwing in everything written by Marx, Freud, Galbraith, Yung, Mathew, Mark, Luke, & John. Be prepared to throw in your treasured editions of Lord of the Rings, yes all six copies. Then remove the gag, take a deep breath and throw in your contract with that silly underwriter.
Sandy
Now, as to your more difficult case studies,

Dear Poor Soul In Surrey,aka HandsOffMidas aka
You are an obvious fraud. There are no good-looking, well-hung men in Surrey.
Sympathetic Sandy

Dear CornwallFlower,
I so feel for you. I used to have the same problem with my brother when we were growing up, but once he accepted me as another member of the village rugby team all was bliss, though I have since quit competitive weightlifting and even his old shorts no longer fit me. It must be simply awful when youre both comparing bums in front of the mirror. By all means let the poor girl move in, but put a lock on your closet and hide your thongs.

Sympathetic Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/13/2006 8:59 pm

    Quoting SpaceRangerNJ:
    Hello ladies.
    I need to find a place to play when I have a partner. Home is not an option; Married. If their home is not an option, where would you suggest. Hotels can be expensive and leave a trail.
    See my blog on the state of my marriage if you're curious.
    Thank you dears.
    SR
Dear SpaceRanger,
Do you know why Im awake at 4.30 AM answering your question? Do you? Its because my beautiful wonderful Dee got home from work at 3AM and woke me. Then she flopped into bed and was asleep before I could so much as get a lick in or a lickin for that matter. When Dee sleeps that deeply she snores and I mean SNORES. She always says that Im the snorer here but it isnt so. I cant get back to sleep when she snores like that. That's why Im answering your question at nearly 5AM when I should be sleeping snuggled up beside her, and thats why I spent 30 minutes reading your glog to uncover the problems in your Marriage. You made me do so much work and now you owe me for that. I expect a peaceful nights sleep in the most expensive hotel in London and damm your credit card limit.

Can we look at this from your wife's point of view and we may uncover reasons why she isnt sharing the 'master' bedroom with you these days?
1. Do you shower every night before you go to bed? Come on, be honest. Have you started to get a little lazy with your personal hygiene and how long is it since you trimmed that nostril hair mister.
2. Do you apply deoderant after showering before you go to bed? Make sure its one she likes.
3. Do you shave before you go to bed? Being kissed by a cactus isnt fun and the rash is very uncomfortable I can tell ya.
4. When she used to sleep with you, how did you commence foreplay? Did you tug on her sholder till she rolled over, grab her boob, or did you whisper sweetly to her the way you used to before you were married?
5. How differently are you towards her now compared to the way you were when you were both happy? Come on, you were happy once or she would never have married you and chosen you as her sperm donor
6. Have you indicated even slight resentment that she abandoned you to sleep with your daughter? Many men unconsciously resent the time that mothers spend with children, just as they resented the attention that their mums showed to their dads when they were little boys.
7. Do you think that you have a right to her sexually as her husband? I dont mean in only your choice of words. Check your bodylanguage too.
8. Do you remember what a nice man you were when you were wooing her?
9. Can you reload yourself, the wooing nice man she fell in love with? Yes you can do that. You seem such a nice man.
10. Can you speak gently with her regarding her reluctance in a manner that is not confronting? Agree with her whatever she says. Then be apologetic and sorry, no matter how silly anything she says may seem.
11. Can you stretch that credit card enough to take her on a weekend away from your matrimonial home, away from the little space rangers, to some place where she will feel happy, reminiscent, and possibly even horny?

Go get her tiger. Good luck.

Sympathetic Sandy

PS If this doesnt work, we can refer you to EarthShiva, our tantric healing consultant for more assistance


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/13/2006 9:08 pm

    Quoting Sarahwilling:
    Dear Cliticals:
    My question: was it hard to decide to embarrass AdultFriendFinder men further knowing how much they embarrass themselves already?

    Second question: I am flying to Europe via London in July. If I were to have tea with you, would it be at 5 or it is just a myth?

    Love, Sarah.
Dear Sarahwilling,
Thank you so much for your question. As one good Catholic girl to another, I can expect you to understand that all men should be made to feel guilt, the more public the better. Theyre so lucky that we cant send them off for a good racking.

Tea at 5 cannot possibly work munchkin. Dee is off to work by 3PM on most days and moi usually trolls the bars near college after classes till 7PM. Midnight cocoa and a champagne breakfast later sounds better?

Sympathetic Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/13/2006 9:10 pm

    Quoting toothysmile:

    Dear S+D,
    Thank you for your kind suggestions. Feel free to visit my blog. You'll find many more pics for your poster. Unfortunately, only partial ones of my ears, but I'll do my best to comply with your request in the near future.
    I am sad to inform you my ears are rather small. I have large feet, if that wins me any points with you.
    kisses.



Dear Toothy,

Dont worry about your small ears. We arent looking for a Bill Gates
Sandy


rm_jd29992z 55M
3888 posts
6/13/2006 9:47 pm

Cool all too funny ok I will give it a go!

Do you find me too fuzzy? Do you like a guy with a hairy, well everything later JD.


QueenOfSwords 36F

6/13/2006 11:03 pm

Why Didnt you answer my question?


meerkittykat 43F

6/13/2006 11:21 pm

Ok ladies...I have one for you....

My girlfriend is about to give birth in a Sheffield hospital. I, of course, am here in the United States. (It's a long story )

What I need to know is...how can I ensure our baby will have my strong, flouride protected teeth, as opposed to the suspect Yorkshire molars of my girlfriend?

That said...her dad is a member of the British Dental Association.


SpaceRangerNJ 56M
4687 posts
6/13/2006 11:51 pm

Hi Sandy. Thanks for taking so much time and for your comprehensive reply.

Let's see what we have here.

1. Do you shower every night before you go to bed? Come on, be honest. Have you started to get a little lazy with your personal hygiene and how long is it since you trimmed that nostril hair mister. Showers are in the morning. And after working out. Nose hair is in order. Ear hair, eyebrows, hair trimmed an neat. I understand some guys get lazy. Get off the fashion train and never get back on as well. She would come to bed smelling not so hot sometimes.
2. Do you apply deodorant after showering before you go to bed? Make sure its one she likes. Fragrant free deodorant. And one should be careful not to mask the natural pheromones so it's not always a good idea unless one has stinky arm pits. I keep myself physically fit. She deserves a man who takes care of himself. The whole family does. They depend on me.
3. Do you shave before you go to bed? Being kissed by a cactus isn't fun and the rash is very uncomfortable I can tell ya. Understood. Didn't shave before bed. Don't know if that was an issue.
4. When she used to sleep with you, how did you commence foreplay? Did you tug on her shoulder till she rolled over, grab her boob, or did you whisper sweetly to her the way you used to before you were married? Ya know it's been so long I don't even remember. But I'll tell you it certainly wouldn't be my style to grab at her.
5. How differently are you towards her now compared to the way you were when you were both happy? Come on, you were happy once or she would never have married you and chosen you as her sperm donor The kid isn't mine. No kids of our own. Everyone acts differently in the beginning of a romance, men and women. Yes, I bought and read the books on romance. I read the relationship books. Saw therapists. Tried the gentle touches. Tried making dinner for the two of us when she worked later. Asked her out. Tried to spend time with her, etc. You read this in my blog and comments.
6. Have you indicated even slight resentment that she abandoned you to sleep with your daughter? Many men unconsciously resent the time that mothers spend with children, just as they resented the attention that their mums showed to their dads when they were little boys. Now on this subject, she is obsessed with her relationship with her daughter. There has never been any balance. And when I asked for it even a little she said no; tough shit deal with it. Friends, family, therapists all say it is unhealthy. Yes I had my issues with our daughter. Yes I worked on them and corrected them. Yes my wife could not separate her relationship with her daughter and her relationship with me. She said I was not being nice to her daughter so she couldn't be intimate with me. So no hygiene involved. So I fixed things but she never wanted sex again. There were other issues I had to deal with and took care of those as well. I understood that with the relationship not well that you don't just jump back into bed and have sex. You need to work the relationship. So as you've read I tried to no avail. And although I was lead to think it was all my fault it really wasn't. She never owned up to her own problems or worked on anything herself. Only dealt with her own issues as they applied to her daughter and the things she was going through.
7. Do you think that you have a right to her sexually as her husband? I don't mean in only your choice of words. Check your body language too. Nope. It's not her obligation as a wife to have sex with me at my beck and call. I don't want an unwilling partner. She laid down the ground rules. I took care of what she wanted but she never came back.
8. Do you remember what a nice man you were when you were wooing her? I'm still a nice man. I try very hard to keep her in my thoughts. To do things because she likes it and it makes her feel comfortable even if it's silly to me. The main thing is it's not silly to her and that is all that matters. That's what partners do. It's part of the love.
9. Can you reload yourself, the wooing nice man she fell in love with? Yes you can do that. You seem such a nice man. I really have been trying. Nothing seems to have an effect.
10. Can you speak gently with her regarding her reluctance in a manner that is not confronting? Agree with her whatever she says. Then be apologetic and sorry, no matter how silly anything she says may seem. I work very hard to choose the right words, have the right perspective and the right attitude when communicating with her. I understand the importance of it and discuss it often with therapists. I don't want to get in a tit for tat and he said she said. Just want to move forward.
11. Can you stretch that credit card enough to take her on a weekend away from your matrimonial home, away from the little space rangers, to some place where she will feel happy, reminiscent, and possibly even horny? She won't go. Haven't had even a family vacation but once in the last 9 years or so. She won't leave the pets unless there is a house sitter. If the kid goes away and we have the place to ourselves, she plans a trip of her own away and leave me to babysit the pets. You think she would want a week to ourselves. Nope. She would never leave the kid to her own devices and go away with me at this point. As simple as asking her to plan on Wednesday a date with me for a Saturday she won't. Has to wait to see what the kid is doing. The kid's schedule trumps all. Can't tell the kid that if she needs a ride somewhere it has to be before a certain time or she will have to arrange it with a friend. Same for coming home. It's a normal thing parents do. She said no. I understand kids come first but 100%. Really. Isn't it good to show the kid what a healthy relationship looks like and that the marriage has some importance?

I think I have done more than enough to try to pull the relationship back. At this point I am just a paycheck and a body guard. She feels safe when I am in the house.

I've never treated her daughter any different than if she was my own. If she needed something I was there for her. I tried to have a hand in raising her but my wife really didn't want my input. Gets very defensive when I voice an opinion. So I left it to her. She fancies herself a single mother and I think, from things she has said and the way she acts, that she believed I don't want to take any responsibility for raising her, emotionally, financially, etc.

I do look at what went wrong and try to figure out what I want in a relationship for the future. I have put a lot of thought and energy into trying to make this work. I'm very stubborn that way. I don't like to give up and will work extremely hard to solve a problem. I have gotten to my breaking point. I give up. No walking away in shame thinking I didn't do everything I could.

OK, have we covered it? Well at least for now. There are a lot of details that I can't go into here without writing a book. And now here it is a quarter to 3 in the morning. You should be getting up soon if you aren't already. So I'm going to hit the sack.
Hope you enjoyed the reading. And I wish you a better nights sleep tomorrow all snuggled up with Dee. Give her a good "tongue lashing" for snoring and keeping you up. And maybe she'll give you one back.
Thanks again for your efforts. It was above and beyond.
SR


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/14/2006 1:46 am

Dear bigsexualtrainer,
Hey stop that. We charge a fee for introductions.
Your problem is obvious. You need a bigger bicycle

Sympathetic Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/14/2006 1:51 am

    Quoting QueenOfSwords:
    Ok. If I ride my bicycle from Amsterdam to Brussels in July, am I likley to meet a nice guy along the way?
Dear QueenOfSwords,
Honeypot your question should be on your own blog as a post in huge letters,

Cycling From Amersterdam to Brussels. Handsome Hunky Guys Apply. Leaving Whenever.


Otherwise open your window and whistle. They'll come running.
Sympathetic Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/14/2006 2:03 am

Dear SpaceRanger,
Seems that its time you had that other chat with her. The one that starts "I believe that you no longer love me because...."
Good luck. We are sorry that our shallow humor collided with your sincerity and that we cannot be of any real help.

Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/14/2006 2:10 am

    Quoting rm_jd29992z:
    Cool all too funny ok I will give it a go!

    Do you find me too fuzzy? Do you like a guy with a hairy, well everything later JD.
Dear id29992z,
No I can see you very clearly. My eyesight is perfect and you dont look a bit fuzzy. I love men with hairy chests, one chest per man though each chest can have as many hairs as it likes. Dee cant stand body hair and asks that you get the Council in to mow before you drop in to see us.
Hmmm yeah.

Sympathetic Sandy


londongames 37M

6/14/2006 2:19 am

Dear sympathetic Sandy,

holy shit! David is family?? His voice makes me horny. Making love to his whispers outdoes any whale-song crap in my eyes...(oops, don't tell him I said that he fuckin loves those wales..)



first tree-hugging now wildlife lumping....whatever next ladies?
and yes....that is a challenge


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/14/2006 2:21 am

    Quoting meerkittykat:
    Ok ladies...I have one for you....

    My girlfriend is about to give birth in a Sheffield hospital. I, of course, am here in the United States. (It's a long story )

    What I need to know is...how can I ensure our baby will have my strong, flouride protected teeth, as opposed to the suspect Yorkshire molars of my girlfriend?

    That said...her dad is a member of the British Dental Association.
Dear Meerkittykat,
Now thats a hard one. We dont understand why you are sitting in Minnesota while your true love is giving birth under Third World conditions. As her dad will confirm, even British Dentists can apply fissure caps to prevent decay when the tot gets Her second set of teeth. In the meantime She can eat as many sweets as she likes to get rid of her milk teeth faster.

Do you think that your GF's dad might give us some laughing gas for Dusty's party?
Sympathetic Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/14/2006 2:49 am

    Quoting londongames:
    Dear sympathetic Sandy,

    holy shit! David is family?? His voice makes me horny. Making love to his whispers outdoes any whale-song crap in my eyes...(oops, don't tell him I said that he fuckin loves those wales..)



    first tree-hugging now wildlife lumping....whatever next ladies?
    and yes....that is a challenge
Dear LondonGames,

David is a statue in Italy. Someone in the 18th century chopped off its penis. Thats whats going to happen to you if youre not careful

Ohhh but you meant David, sorry.

We have nothing against your denrophiliac inclinations nor your thing with lesser primates ( I dont mean that girl we saw you with last weekend) but we insist that you refrain from using the loocam when we come to visit.
Sympathetic Sandy


earthShiva 61M

6/14/2006 4:36 am

    Quoting TheCliticals:
    Dear Professor Shiva,
    We are honoured that a tantric healer of your standing would garnish our little blogspace as you do, and we always enjoy your efforts to write in proper english, notwithstanding your American education. Lettuce begin firstly with your own problems. Your verbosity can only be cured, as we have previously advised you, by a strenuous culling of your book shelf. Build a good bonfire in the backyard and begin by throwing in everything written by Marx, Freud, Galbraith, Yung, Mathew, Mark, Luke, & John. Be prepared to throw in your treasured editions of Lord of the Rings, yes all six copies. Then remove the gag, take a deep breath and throw in your contract with that silly underwriter.
    Sandy
    Now, as to your more difficult case studies,

    Dear Poor Soul In Surrey,aka HandsOffMidas aka
    You are an obvious fraud. There are no good-looking, well-hung men in Surrey.
    Sympathetic Sandy

    Dear CornwallFlower,
    I so feel for you. I used to have the same problem with my brother when we were growing up, but once he accepted me as another member of the village rugby team all was bliss, though I have since quit competitive weightlifting and even his old shorts no longer fit me. It must be simply awful when youre both comparing bums in front of the mirror. By all means let the poor girl move in, but put a lock on your closet and hide your thongs.

    Sympathetic Sandy
Thank you aunties,
I'm feeling more succinct already. All six copies, eh? Can I keep the limited edition Gandalf's cloak? It goes with the hat.

Oh, and as far as the American education goes, my 4th form English teacher was an Oxford man, and a protege of Tolkien's, to boot. Does this explain why nobody here gets my subjunctives?


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/14/2006 5:43 am

    Quoting earthShiva:
    Thank you aunties,
    I'm feeling more succinct already. All six copies, eh? Can I keep the limited edition Gandalf's cloak? It goes with the hat.

    Oh, and as far as the American education goes, my 4th form English teacher was an Oxford man, and a protege of Tolkien's, to boot. Does this explain why nobody here gets my subjunctives?

Dear Prof Shiva,
I do not get your subjunctives and if you use that color font I certainly will get conjunctivitis.

Dependable Dee


pillowtalk4Uonly 60F
292 posts
6/14/2006 6:35 am

Dear S&D ... I have a new AdultFriendFinder Guy that I am becoming very close to. We live in the same town and see each other often. Tomorrow he is coming over to my house for me to take some fresh nude photos of him to go on his AdultFriendFinder profile. He has mentioned the possiblity of using me as a surrogate lover to act out all of the things that the other AdultFriendFinder Ladies email to him and say they would like to do his very hot body.
So my question is should I play along and f*ck and suck him senseless in the name of spreading the AdultFriendFinder love around?


ohcurious14 60M  
1684 posts
6/14/2006 8:07 am

Dear Cliticals, Every time I have seen your picture up here two things come to mind. One being I have imagined a soap opera about the 2 of you with your picture here as the the foreground. Would it be called the Cliticals? Sounds right to me. Secondly, Do you 2 play with others together? Seperately? Women only? Men too? Strap-ons or no straps? Just Curious!!!!

You two are so perfect for this. I shall be a regular visitor.

My lady, Naughtyblonde78 would kill to get her hands on the two of you.


earthShiva 61M

6/14/2006 8:21 am

    Quoting TheCliticals:
    Dear Prof Shiva,
    I do not get your subjunctives and if you use that color font I certainly will get conjunctivitis.

    Dependable Dee
Dear Auntie DD,
I would say that it might be easier if we were conjugating. I should very much enjoy that remote possibility.


_Safira 55F
11260 posts
6/14/2006 9:42 am

Luhrrrvelies ~ I've been Agony-Aunting for years. It's priceless. Recently I've taken to being somewhat more bitchy, especially after this week's full moon wrought such wretched emails from, what we'll affectionately call, fucktard wankers ... and one alien from the planet Majaris. (I couldn't make-up this shite!) Since I answer every email I receive I usually decide on a very nice, polite standard reply. Here was/is this week's:

"Dear (Insert the Friendly Freak's Name):

My sincerest apologies. You must be deaf. I am now using sign language. Let me know if you need further interpretation.

Regards,

Safira"


I have other, "wordier" replies; but I think that truly captures my "spirit" this week.

Hope you both are having a glorious day! (And I mean that, sincerely ...)

*gentle hugs*


Safira {=}

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F The Only Site For Me


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/14/2006 9:53 am

    Quoting pillowtalk4Uonly:
    Dear S&D ... I have a new AdultFriendFinder Guy that I am becoming very close to. We live in the same town and see each other often. Tomorrow he is coming over to my house for me to take some fresh nude photos of him to go on his AdultFriendFinder profile. He has mentioned the possiblity of using me as a surrogate lover to act out all of the things that the other AdultFriendFinder Ladies email to him and say they would like to do his very hot body.
    So my question is should I play along and f*ck and suck him senseless in the name of spreading the AdultFriendFinder love around?
Yes Yes Yes. Definetly Yes. Though you should demand equal status with the rest of the AdultFriendFinder ladies and not merely that of a surrogate, unless he supplies a surrogare penis And do by all means do your best in the name of all of us here at AdultFriendFinder

Sympathetic Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/14/2006 9:57 am

    Quoting earthShiva:
    Dear Auntie DD,
    I would say that it might be easier if we were conjugating. I should very much enjoy that remote possibility.

Dear Prof Shiva,

Stop it stop it stopit before we all go blind.

Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/14/2006 10:04 am

    Quoting _Safira:
    Luhrrrvelies ~ I've been Agony-Aunting for years. It's priceless. Recently I've taken to being somewhat more bitchy, especially after this week's full moon wrought such wretched emails from, what we'll affectionately call, fucktard wankers ... and one alien from the planet Majaris. (I couldn't make-up this shite!) Since I answer every email I receive I usually decide on a very nice, polite standard reply. Here was/is this week's:

    "Dear (Insert the Friendly Freak's Name):

    My sincerest apologies. You must be deaf. I am now using sign language. Let me know if you need further interpretation.

    Regards,

    Safira"

    I have other, "wordier" replies; but I think that truly captures my "spirit" this week.

    Hope you both are having a glorious day! (And I mean that, sincerely ...)

    *gentle hugs*

    Safira {=}
Dear Safira,
Oh how I know that feeling. Only last time I surrended to my bitch within and when the moon was full I howled long and hard then started chasing cars down the high street. Waking up the next morning in my birthday suit in Kew Gardens with blood on my lips and chin was a little disturbing though. And the fleas took ages to get rid of.

Sympathetic Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/14/2006 10:13 am

    Quoting Arheilegenman:
    Queen,
    I am not moving to Hawaii until the middle of July...

    Oh, by the way, great blog ladies.... well done!

    Arh
Dear Arheilegenman ,

Now dont let our efforts to mend a few broken hearts and provide guidance to the lost and lame interrupt your own attempts to pull a beautiful lady. Write her an email dammit man

And there will be a small charge for using our blog to snap her up, though you better be quick because we fancy her too

Not-So-Sympathetic Sandy


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/14/2006 10:23 am

    Quoting ohcurious14:
    Dear Cliticals, Every time I have seen your picture up here two things come to mind. One being I have imagined a soap opera about the 2 of you with your picture here as the the foreground. Would it be called the Cliticals? Sounds right to me. Secondly, Do you 2 play with others together? Seperately? Women only? Men too? Strap-ons or no straps? Just Curious!!!!

    You two are so perfect for this. I shall be a regular visitor.

    My lady, Naughtyblonde78 would kill to get her hands on the two of you.
Dear ohcurious,

Thank you for your questions
We dont have a soap yet, but thanks for the idea. Something herbal would be nice. Perhaps you have us confuced with "Wheels On Fire", the sad tale of Edwina Monsoon and her pet blonde stick insect?
You havent read our profile have you ? We only play together and we believe in equal opportunity.
We dont have a strap-on yet, so may we borrow yours?
Sympathetic Sandy


ohcurious14 60M  
1684 posts
6/14/2006 2:09 pm

    Quoting TheCliticals:
    Dear ohcurious,

    Thank you for your questions
    We dont have a soap yet, but thanks for the idea. Something herbal would be nice. Perhaps you have us confuced with "Wheels On Fire", the sad tale of Edwina Monsoon and her pet blonde stick insect?
    You havent read our profile have you ? We only play together and we believe in equal opportunity.
    We dont have a strap-on yet, so may we borrow yours?
    Sympathetic Sandy
You are correct, I cannot read profiles but that will be rectified this Friday.My apologies.You 2 are DDG.Thanks.


TheCliticals 36F/F

6/15/2006 1:37 am

    Quoting rm_mzhunyhole:
    Are ya all for real??..ya all are soooo pretty.
Dear Mz Huny,
Not only are we for real, but we also come in several different flavours
Dee


pillowtalk4Uonly 60F
292 posts
6/16/2006 6:21 pm

Dear Sandy & Dee,

I took your advice and the Photo Shoot went Great (Hop on over to my blog for a photo of my hand on his Vajra and an erotic story about what happened.)

My new AdultFriendFinder male friend and I spent the day with the famous Mz Huny today. You would eat her right up ... She is SO Sweet..!!

~ pillowtalk ~


Spudmuncher69 46M
157 posts
6/17/2006 4:20 am

A most amusing read! These girls are both gorgeous and witty! What a bargain! Would so like to chat with them sometime!
spudmuncherx at yahoo.co.uk
Go on girls email me!
hugs spud


ella1966 52F
1528 posts
6/21/2006 5:34 am

I am not amused!

signed, the representative of HRH Her Majesty, The Queen.

Seriously girls, it reminds me of my undergraduate days reading the local student rag (well I am still an undergraduate in some respects, certainly my sense of humour is). The agony couple in question were called 'Rodney and Fleur' and they would get some doozies from the students. It always amused me no end that Fleur stated she was "studying" dentistry (in those days, not common for a caucasian girl so it was not believable) and I forgot what Rodney said he was studying, probably something bland like an Arts degree. I'll never forget a letter from a lecturer in the Faculty of Arts (forgot what discipline it was) that said something like this:-

Dear Rodney and Fleur

I present and dress well and give interesting lecture presentations, and tell the requisite number of jokes. I don't understand then why nobody comes to my lectures? (Of course it was funnier at the time!)

Anyway, you get the gist

ella X


ohcurious14 60M  
1684 posts
7/4/2006 10:31 pm

Dear Cliticals, I need some sound advice. I'll be brief but also try to be thorough. I have 2 female friends and between the 2 of them they have a male friend(common denominator). Female #2 has told the male a story that concerns me. And it is false. She for whatever reason has alledgedly said she had an affair with me and she cut it off because i wasn't married. I know for a fact she won't do married men. The male knows woman #1's son and is over at the house of woman #1 and tells her what woman #2 has alledgedly said. I have had sexual relations with woman #1 but do know there is no jealousy between the two of them. Based on what I was told, I confronted woman #2 and asked her about what I had heard. She walked away from me and would not speak. So being that she won't speak, I asked female #1 to have the male either contact me or call me so i could hear it from him. I've asked til i'm blue in the face and am getting nowhere. I have since ended relations with woman 1 but still have asked her to ask the male to contact me. He is refusing to, I believe, because he is tired of dealing with it because his girlfriend works with woman #2 and alledgedly is getting tired of being asked ??? by her. Woman #2 knows my best friend and they have discussed this situation and my friend believes woman #2 and he thinks I owe her an apology. The issue I have is I still don't know which is lying but 1 of them definately is and I have lost 2 friends instead of just 1.

What;s your opinion and do you feel refusal to elaborate and get the whole thing over with is in a sense admission of guilt? I'm Curious.


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