mourning  

Tahlathali 35M
26 posts
8/29/2005 2:43 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

mourning


Thank you for the comments on my first post. But how am I supposed to have fun at this site when I'm totally ignored anywhere I go in it? or any personals sites for that matter? Even around the university I'm ignored. I've tried going up to people before to try to get a conversation started. Not once have I been successful. Even the people that I thought were my friends ignore me. I try to join in a conversation with them and I get ignored completely. Recently it's been really hard to even find something in my life worth living for. What's the point of living if you're going to be alone your entire life? I don't know how to meet people. Whenever I try, it's like I forget every word in the english language. I freeze up. I really just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. The only way I've found that I can actually talk and be myself meeting people is online. Whether in chat rooms, on the phone, or playing online multiplayer games. I used to work at a Wal-Mart and I could barely even talk to the customers other than saying "May I help you find anything". Most of the time I never said more than that because I couldn't think of or remember how to say more than that. The only subject I've found I can talk about and be laid back and myself is gaming, be it video games, roleplaying games, board games, whatever. But I know that most women don't play games like that. But I've been trying for the past 10 years to work up the guts to talk to people without being so shy. I don't think I have made any progress whatsoever. I might have made it worse with all the failures I have gone through. I've never been successful at getting a girlfriend and I don't even know what it feels like to be kissed. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Everyone I meet seems to like me for who I am, that is until I develop feelings for them, then they end up avoiding me. But it's rare that the people I meet don't like who I am. So why can't I find anyone that likes me more? It doesn't make any sense to me. Well I think it's enough ranting from me for now. I have calculus homework due tomorrow.

Loosetooth 42M
1148 posts
8/29/2005 4:06 pm

I do not know if this was a site glitch but I originally saw this as a reply to your first blog and have written my reply to it there. I am not going to keep bugging you beyond that reply as you will just feel brow-beaten. I do not think that you are as useless as you allow yourself to feel and I do think that if you get the right help you have the power to take more control of your situation and you might then feel less pathetic and depressed. I wish you all the best. Contact me if you ever need a chat.


rm_hotdarter 48F
1520 posts
8/29/2005 4:24 pm

One of my first and continuous contacts here recommended a book that really hit home with me. Yes, it is of the self help variety, but Oh, so worth it! Look for The Highly Sensitive Person. Check it out from the libray and give it a go. The insight I gained from it has helped me immensely. In fact I am rereading it now. (yes I am Chris, if you are reading this)


Tahlathali 35M

8/29/2005 7:14 pm

Loosetooth, no glitch, I just thought I should put it as a new post. I've never done a blog before so I don't know exactly what I'm doing there either.


Tahlathali 35M

8/29/2005 7:35 pm

Yes, I know I'm a geek, I've acknowledged that. I am both seeing a psychiatrist and going to group therapy right now and have been for the past 6 months or so. I started seeing the psychiatrist right after I got out of the psych ward at the hospital. I got admitted there by my group councelor one night after group. I didn't see my own home for five days. I also practice martial arts (Tae Kwon Do). I realize I put myself into a catch 22. I'm sad and miserable because I'm lonely, and people avoid me because I'm sad and miserable. I just don't know how to get around it. I don't feel right putting a fake face on to hide what I'm actually feeling. I don't like to lie and I have a huge conscience that bugs me every time I even think about it. Putting on a false smile is a lot like lieing to me.


Loosetooth 42M
1148 posts
8/29/2005 11:52 pm

Hey I do not want you to put on anything, especially not a false smile. But you are apporaching this from a 'I do not know what to do, my life is awful, I am debilitated, no-one likes me....'. This is not being kind to yourself, but it is awful to watch (it i not looking good from here in the U.K.) so christ knows what it is like to be around. Now dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddI say that with trepidation as I know that I have just handed you another bat to beat yourself with BUT the reason I say that is to make you realise that you have gotten into an awful situation and you cannot expect miracles from people. You are miserable right now, you believe your are hated by a person before you have even given them the chance to hate you (joke) and if you bring that baggage into a relationship/conversation then you have pretty much doomed that relationship/conversation. Now does that mean that it would be better that you were not around? NO. It means that you have a problem (much like any other people experience...halitosis, b.o., even tourets, picking their nose and wiping it on the sofa) which conditions peoples response to you. Now while you are tackling that problem the situation is not going to improve, however once tackled it will be gone forever. There is going to be unpleasantness while you tackle the problem but that ends once said problem is faced and defeated. The attitude you bring to your treatment determines the success. If you could be shown people like you (now) who went on to successfully rehabilitate themselves then perhaps you would see light. The thing is here your worst problem is not that other people do not like you, IT IS YOU DO NOT LIKE YOU. That is what you have to tackle first, cos you are not giving yourself a chance. You are so intolerent of yourself that you are not listening to the people around you (me, other commentators, psychiatrics, group councillor) you are just beating yourself up. So we spend time giving you good advice and then you dismiss it with a broad brush stroke....'I cannot lie...., I have tried......yeah I know but......'. You end up sounding like a broken record. People cannot keep doling out the same advice and watch it not being taken in favour of trite self-loathing. You have to go and look at your objectives here, is it;

1. to tackle your problems and make your life better OR,

2. is it to beat yourself up and put yourself down and generally moan/whine/ignore peoples help in favour of continuing in a rut to perpetuate a belief that you are a freak beyond redemption.

I will give you that your life is hard. I will give you that people have been intolerant and played upon the things which do not come easy to you. What I can not tolerate is watching you perpetuate those peoples myths about you. There is no reason that you cannot stop hanging yourdelf with your own rope. There is no reason why you cannot stop disliking yourself. You've tried? it did not work? well try again and maybe try something different and do not allow yourself to reach a horrible pathetic state where all you can do is sit around and beat yourself up. You have no choice here it is either do or do not do. If you give yourself the chance to do then all will start to be better, if you do not do you will stay stuck in that rut and that will be it.

In your next post or comment I do not want to see the following:

1. Any indication that you have tried or failed. It is Year Zero right now. Draw a line and forget past failures.

2.Any allusion to the fact that it (situation) or you are hopeless.

3. Any analysis of what happens when you talk/try to people (I clam up....they push me away).

4. In fact I do not wish to hear about your problems, we shall talk of them again BUT NOT in your next blog. Tell me something new.

I do want to see the following:

1. I want to see if you can write 10 things you like about yourself, they can be pathetic as you like (my trainers in 5th grade where cool).

2. I want you to tell me something about yourself which is not related to this shit. Favourite music, something cool that happened (and do not worry that I will not find it cool, so if it was the solving of a math puzzle or the winning of a role-play game that is fine with me as long as it is not griping about how crap you are!).

Lets move away from dwelling and start looking at other stuff in your life AND wobetide you if you make no effort and just say 'I do not know about that stuff cos I am rubbish' because if you cannot make this effort ask yourself why I should? Do not think about it just try and do it. Easy.


Loosetooth 42M
1148 posts
8/30/2005 12:01 am

By the way I am going away for a few days so if I do not get back to it is not cos I am ignoring you but because I am not near a computer. You better do those positive blogs and you better call them by cool no negative names (blog 1: 10 things I like about myself, NO NEGATIVES ALLOWED!!!! if you feel like saying something negative thaen just leave it out!!! blog 2: stuff about me which is not negative shit, details about like/dislikes music, hobbies, uni work and a brief story of one moment in your life when something good happened, NO NEGATIVES ALLOWED!!!!! IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING NEGATIVE WRITE IT ON A SEPERATE PIECE OF PAPER NOT THE BLOG. THAT IS NOT LYING, OMISSION IS NOT A LIE, ASK COLONEL OLIVER NORTH, KID HE'LL TELL YOU).


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