It started out with a did it end up like this?  

23 posts
1/20/2006 3:10 pm

Last Read:
3/7/2007 3:09 am

It started out with a did it end up like this?

Before I begin this email, I want to make you aware of some things first. I want you to know why I am writing all this now–it’s because I want you to not only know but hopefully find some way to believe in what I am about to write. Somehow believe the words as being genuine and from my hidden agenda or desperate plea to win you back--it has been pretty much established by your behavior and attitude towards me as of late that nothing I can say, do, or act upon at this moment will suddenly win you back. It's now more important that before we close this chapter in our lives, I take this opportunity to open up and empty out some thoughts and feelings that are extremely important to me...and that I want you to hear. In essence, I simply want to get everything I feel out in the open... and everything I am feeling right now about what has happened to our relationship. That's all I want you to know, and I hope it comes out clearly after reading this email. I'm also doing it for closure on my behalf, closure that will hopeful help you understand where I am at mentally, physically, and emotionally now that you are no longer in my life.

so with that being said...let's begin:
To start I need you to know that I'm still very much in love with you. I loved you the moment I laid eyes on you and it only grew stronger as time moved problem was I just wasn't mature enough and selfless enough to realize how to make it work, how to protect it, how to let it grow and mature into something special. I know this now and I know will learn from it--I just hope I am lucky enough to meet another girl like you... It's because I want you to know not one hour of my day goes by without me thinking of you, not a single night passes without dreaming of you in some way, and not a drive is finished from Waco to Dallas and back without gripping my steering wheel tightly thinking (over and over) of how I let you down time after time. When I drive past the West Village, Primos, the Grapevine, or if I am just sitting upstairs at the Quarter Bar, I can’t do it without wishing you and I were still together hanging out, oblivious to everything going on around us. When I hear the music of Modest Mouse, The Killers, Interpol, Gwen Steffani, and the Pixies (just to name a few), I can’t stop the tears from swelling up in my eyes as I am brought back to a wonderful time and place I feel I will never be able to experience again with you. I can’t even drive on Lovers or Greenville, without wanting to go straight to your apartment. I miss the paintings your talented hands created…I miss the style, warmth, and grace of your d├ęcor…I miss feeling the softness of your white sheets when we use to lay in your bed for hours at a time just wasting our day away. I miss all the moments I had being lost in the glow of your eyes, smelling the vive fragrance of your hair, and aroma of your perfume. I miss the giddy feeling I always got when I would watch you get ready for a night on the town or when we casually talk about a future together, a future that seemed so imminent. When alone, I imagine feeling the warmth of your body on top of mine, feeling the amazing chills you give me as you lightly caressed your fingers all over my body and gently kiss my lips. Pictures of you are always in view, whether it's my slide show screen saver or a desktop background picture... you are always in view. I enjoy the moments when I open my phone, seeing my favorite picture of you on the screen and smile as I trace the silhouette of your back with my finger. I don't know why I do this to myself, maybe it's so I can watch you closer, study the ways I believe I still belong to you. Either way, I desperately hold on to these images I have of you…images I hold tight and close to my heart like a scared little boy in the dark clinching to his favorite blanket…images I fear are beginning to fade away inside you. I never realized how upside down my world would become without you in it. Often I wish I could go to sleep and wake up with amnesia, so I can forget all the things I've done. All the things I said that hurt you, abused you, and slowly pushed you away. All the intended truths that ended up becoming continuous lies, all the excuses used to explain another mistake. I wish I had known how to keep the promises I made to you and secure the honesty you once had in me. I wish I had been man enough to protect most beautiful thing you ever gave me…something I never wanted to let go of but couldn't stop myself from dropping over and over…your heart. Nevertheless, I wasn't’t and in the end, you deserve better than what I gave you. I find myself wondering if you think about me as much as I think about you…? Cause I do think about you, I think about you more than anything else in my life and you’re not even in my life anymore. I cannot and do not want to stop either. Yet, I know I must stop because I am too late… I am too late to have another chance to give you all the things you wanted from me, things I’m now ready to give to you ten fold. I want so badly to show you how I get it now, how I will never take for granted the love you have given me, how I will never lie again, deceive you in anyway, or abuse you with intimidation or hurtful words but I am simply too late. I know this… I feel it in my heart and now more than ever its making me realize I have to let go of you…I have to let go because you have already let go of me. I have to let go because I can see how my holding on is now starting to change the way you see me, how you think of me and most noticeably how you address me. Every part of me is screaming no! don’t ever give up fighting for what you believe in, for that which you truly love, but the reality of our situation, our relationship, has finally deteriorated so much and so fast, that it is forcing me, making me overrule what my heart and soul really want me to do. I want to fight for you, fight to prove how much I do love you, prove how badly I want to make things right, make things perfect, make things forever between us. I don’t want to do it through words, but through actions--actions like going to counseling, reconnecting spiritually with my faith, staying away from influences prone to inciting destructive behavior or poor decisions on my part. I want to do everything and all things you want me to do and I want me to do in order to rebuild what we once had.…But I no longer have that chance and it is very obvious to me now. It’s now obvious when I hear the negativity and anger in your voice when we talk. I can hear it all through your voice and with every word you say. I can feel the anger you have inside, your lack of patience when I do actually get a moment to talk to you. I am becoming an annoyance to you and it has really put me in a bad place mentally…I hate how I feel, I hate how you feel about me. This is not just b/c of my strong feelings for you, but b/c I see a person who once saw a quality of greatness in me, love and compassion in me, strength and stability in me, yet now seemingly despises every word spoken by me. It may not be a bad as that but it’s what I see and what I feel inside; so it’s all I can conclude. When I think of how bad it has gotten between us, the grief I feel breaks my heart and brings so many tears to my eyes that I can no longer bare to think about it anymore. You have recently been a relentless image running through my head almost every moment of my day. Every night you are the main character of two very distinctly different dreams I have…two unique dreams that somehow seem to produces the same painfully sad feeling when I wake up. Whether I dream of you and I together like we use to be or I dream of you hating me, yelling at me, punching me because of all the pain I caused, I still wake up despondent and empty inside. This is what I look forward too every night before I go to bed…a self-inflicted torture I cannot break free from. It haunts me like a ghost from my past, it's become my own internal damnation. Why has it been so hard for me to let go of you? Why has it been so hard to stop fighting for you, wanting you, wanting to be with you, or thinking in some way you want to be this me? Why can’t I accept the fact we no longer are going to be together, that you no longer love me like you once did, that you see me differently than when we first met, that you have moved on and you are not coming back. I guess that's what I must figure out, what I must understand for me to finally see the light at the end of this seemingly never-ending dark tunnel I’i've been in.

To be continued...

crazygurl2xx 58F

1/22/2006 5:33 am



1/25/2006 2:43 pm

thank you for the huggz--intrigued by you, am i

Katekat79104 43F
2 posts
1/28/2006 9:22 pm

I dare say, I dream of my Ex writing these very words to me! Ahhh... to dream... Bless you Heady! You are unique! (and a talented writer!)

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